Repeating pattern of "you just don't do it for me" in dating... any solutions?

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A cigarette once in a while wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for a lot of women. But I would take someone who thinks that pot is no big deal (whether they use it or not) as a red flag of incompatibility.

I have a strong aversion to conversations about dating in or out of one’s league; it is such a demeaning perspective on compatibility and attraction.

It really sounds like you need to work on forming friendships. The best relationships always have a friendship at their core. Rather than trying to be what you think would be most attractive to the largest number of girls, I would suggest that you spend time in environments that you enjoy. Join a club for something you actually enjoy doing. That will be the place you meet someone you are compatible with. And pressure will be eased because you will be getting to know others in a relaxed, natural way, while your attention will be focused on the object of enjoyment.

Another suggestion I have, if it has interest to you, is to do one of those charitable work trips. There are Catholic and Christian organizations that offer them. It is a great way to expand your social network; I have a friend who met her husband on such a trip!
 
Don’t appear as if you’re trying too hard, don’t appear desperate to have a girlfriend, don’t turn the date into ‘work’ , be cool, be confident, be you (cause sooner or later, they’ll anyways know the real you) and relax!
 
CaliLobo said:
One more thing I want to add, is that I find beautiful women intimidating. The beautiful, outdoorsy, beach-loving, Lululemon-wearing white women I describe above, I get scared to approach because I feel like there are so many guys already giving them attention; what can I possibly offer to them? They can literally reject men left and right and still more will come. I don’t want to be their next victim! Most likely they probably have boyfriends, or worse, they know they’re hot so they take advantage with their bad attitude.

Double this if they’re also smart with a career. Triple this if they’re actually nice and kind.

(Yes I know, don’t just care about looks. But ironically, it’s average-looking women that have rejected me.)

How do I not be intimidated by the most beautiful, sharpest women?
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Generally speaking, it seems like a bad idea to date women you don’t find attractive. Eventually, you’ll start to make them feel unattractive or “average looking”, and nobody wants to feel that way.

As for dating the women who are most attractive, try changing your presuppositions. If you assume that she’s got lots of options for male companionship and that she will be meticulously judging you to see if you’re worthy of her, of course you’ll be nervous and awkward. If you assume that most men don’t ask her out because they’re intimidated by her and that she might actually be lonely and a little desperate, it becomes easier to talk to them. Granted, the former scenario is probably more likely, but since you don’t know for sure you might as well make the assumption that helps you.

At any rate, you’re striking out with “average looking” women. Maybe you’ll have better luck with gorgeous women.
 
styrgwillidar said:
Be thankful that women are honest enough to end things at 1 to 3 dates vice stringing you along. Many may sense you are really looking for a long-term relationship at the outset and may just not be in that mindset. Kind of the equivalent of a woman on a first date starting to talk about raising children together…You seem to be you’ll settle for the first woman who tolerates going 10 dates with you or something. It shouldnt’ be about who accepts you, it should be about you establishing the type of woman you’re compatibile with…
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That’s interesting, I always thought in the 30s, women are looking for long-term and are in the long-term mindset, and that they’re over it with short-term stuff.

You mention settle for the first woman who tolerates going 10 dates. I admit, there are days I panic because of my age. I’m afraid of running out of time. Realistically I can’t keep dating around, can I?

As far as hobbies, I do dive (I will return to aquarium volunteering soon) and I swim, run, and play piano. I’ve taken guitar lessons before. We’ll see if those are conducive to meeting women.
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Xantippe:
There must be a grown up version of her somewhere in LA.
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I hope she’s still available. And I knew guitar lessons would pay off! One thing I’ll miss in Albuquerque is my guitar instructor.

Also, Xantippe, putting motorcycles and tattoos aside, what is your opinion on whether women are attracted to higher levels of energy in general?
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Thorns:
It sounds like you’re being too mechanical in your personality and being to pretentious about doing the right things. Women pick up on that.
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Is it just me or do women pick up on EVERYTHING?
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JorduSpeaks:
As for dating the women who are most attractive, try changing your presuppositions. If you assume that she’s got lots of options for male companionship and that she will be meticulously judging you to see if you’re worthy of her, of course you’ll be nervous and awkward. If you assume that most men don’t ask her out because they’re intimidated by her and that she might actually be lonely and a little desperate, it becomes easier to talk to them. Granted, the former scenario is probably more likely, but since you don’t know for sure you might as well make the assumption that helps you.
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Yeah, everything I’ve read is similar. One’s perfect 10 is another’s 6, even the hot women are insecure about something, and maybe those hot women are lacking in dates because everyone shies away.

Time to put my fire suit on and talk to them.

Do women understand how scary approaching women is for men? The fear of rejection and consequences real and imagined, it paralyzes us.
 
CaliLobo said:
We’ll see if those are conducive to meeting women.
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I highlighted this sentence because it seems to be a trend with you.

Let me make this recommendation. Stop planning your life based on whether or not something is conducive to meeting women.

It seems like you are creating a fake you. With the hopes that the fake you will attract the right woman.

The problem is, you can’t be the fake you forever. Eventually the real you will come out. Maybe that is what is happening now. The real you shows through after a couple of dates and these women feel lied to.

Chances are, someone that smokes pot would attract different people than someone that doesn’t. Someone outgoing and high energy will attract someone different than someone that is less outgoing.

You seem to be pretending to be someone you aren’t. When the real you shows up, people are confused.
 
maryjk said:
I highlighted this sentence because it seems to be a trend with you.

Let me make this recommendation. Stop planning your life based on whether or not something is conducive to meeting women.

It seems like you are creating a fake you. With the hopes that the fake you will attract the right woman.

The problem is, you can’t be the fake you forever. Eventually the real you will come out. Maybe that is what is happening now. The real you shows through after a couple of dates and these women feel lied to.

Chances are, someone that smokes pot would attract different people than someone that doesn’t. Someone outgoing and high energy will attract someone different than someone that is less outgoing.

You seem to be pretending to be someone you aren’t. When the real you shows up, people are confused.
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Then maybe someone like me doesn’t attract Ms. Lululemon after all. What does it take to attract Ms. Lululemon? Who does someone like me attract?

Is it possible that I attract the type of women I am not attracted to? If so, what a conundrum.
 
CaliLobo said:
Do women understand how scary approaching women is for men? The fear of rejection and consequences real and imagined, it paralyzes us.
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I imagine that if they didn’t understand, they’d be asking US out a lot more often.
 
CaliLobo said:
Then maybe someone like me doesn’t attract Ms. Lululemon after all. What does it take to attract Ms. Lululemon? Who does someone like me attract?

Is it possible that I attract the type of women I am not attracted to? If so, what a conundrum.
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To be honest I think you need to nurture your soul and spiritual life so that you can recognise beauty and attractiveness in more than just beach bunnies bodies. Just my own feelings about you as per this thread… you seem shallow, only looking for ways to create an illusion of yourself, rather than to develop what truly makes a person lovable to others. Honesty, virtue, humility, transperancy.

Time to work on your spiritual life, CaliLobo!
 
LongingSoul said:
To be honest I think you need to nurture your soul and spiritual life so that you can recognise beauty and attractiveness in more than just beach bunnies bodies. Just my own feelings about you as per this thread… you seem shallow, only looking for ways to create an illusion of yourself, rather than to develop what truly makes a person lovable to others. Honesty, virtue, humility, transperancy.

Time to work on your spiritual life, CaliLobo!
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Please don’t get the wrong idea. I am more than capable of seeing more than just physical beauty. Just skin and thin alone doesn’t cut it, as that’s an object, not a human. I’ve met my share of pretty but vapid. I just use “Ms. Lululemon” as an example of someone who is attractive to me but hard to get to know.

At the same time, the idea that looks doesn’t matter, and that men should waive looks entirely and only consider spiritual beauty is something that churches (and honestly, some women in church) use to create guilt in men. It’s part of the feminization of today’s church at the expense of men. Are women in the wrong for wanting men who can provide financially??
 
CaliLobo said:
Are women in the wrong for wanting men who can provide financially??
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Yes, to the same degree as it is wrong to be looking for that trophy wife. It objectifies the other person. They are seen as a thing, not the person they are. I would rather be with a poor man who worked hard, loved God and lived to the full faith, hope and charity.

I ain’t not gold digger. 😛
 
JorduSpeaks said:
I imagine that if they didn’t understand, they’d be asking US out a lot more often.
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It feels like when I approach women, I feel like if I mess up, they are ready to swing Thor’s hammer on top of my head and banish me from their world.
 
CaliLobo said:
You mention settle for the first woman who tolerates going 10 dates. I admit, there are days I panic because of my age. I’m afraid of running out of time. Realistically I can’t keep dating around, can I?

You’re probably pretty young looking for your age, which may be a problem. A little age might help.

As far as hobbies, I do dive (I will return to aquarium volunteering soon) and I swim, run, and play piano. I’ve taken guitar lessons before. We’ll see if those are conducive to meeting women.

It all sounds very promising.

Also, Xantippe, putting motorcycles and tattoos aside, what is your opinion on whether women are attracted to higher levels of energy in general?

Of course–in general. But you can have too much of a good thing.

Is it just me or do women pick up on EVERYTHING?

I think one of the feminine vices of younger women is overinterpreting everything. Sample girltalk: He says he doesn’t want to see me anymore. What does he mean???It’s older married ladies who achieve the cross-gender interpreting skills necessary to interpet that as: He doesn’t want to see you anymore, honey. I could go on and on with similar examples of young women overthinking things.

Time to put my fire suit on and talk to them.

Go for it!

Also, google Doctor Nerd Love and read the archives and the comment threads on stuff that seems relevant.

Do women understand how scary approaching women is for men? The fear of rejection and consequences real and imagined, it paralyzes us.

Not when I was younger, no.
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maryjk said:
It seems like you are creating a fake you. With the hopes that the fake you will attract the right woman.

The problem is, you can’t be the fake you forever. Eventually the real you will come out. Maybe that is what is happening now. The real you shows through after a couple of dates and these women feel lied to.
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What do you do when you feel that no girl has shown attraction to the “default you?”
 
Come to think of it, an important fact is that Ms. Lululemon does not think of herself as Ms. Lululemon.

Figure out who she believes she is, and you’ll get further.
 
LongingSoul said:
To be honest I think you need to nurture your soul and spiritual life so that you can recognise beauty and attractiveness in more than just beach bunnies bodies. Just my own feelings about you as per this thread… you seem shallow, only looking for ways to create an illusion of yourself, rather than to develop what truly makes a person lovable to others. Honesty, virtue, humility, transperancy.

Time to work on your spiritual life, CaliLobo!
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No offense, LongingSoul, but you’re in fantasy-land. Honesty, virtue, humility, and transparency all make a person lovable, but without sexual attraction they just make a person lovable as a friend.

Sexual attraction is the only factor that separates friendship from romantic partnership. You can be the best friend in the world, but that won’t make the other person commit to an exclusive, lifelong friendship. It also won’t keep them from looking for a friend whom they do find sexually attractive. Platonic, friendship love is nice, but it is a very different, and less valuable form of love than what the original poster is looking for.
 
JorduSpeaks said:
No offense, LongingSoul, but you’re in fantasy-land. Honesty, virtue, humility, and transparency all make a person lovable, but without sexual attraction they just make a person lovable as a friend.

Sexual attraction is the only factor that separates friendship from romantic partnership. You can be the best friend in the world, but that won’t make the other person commit to an exclusive, lifelong friendship. It also won’t keep them from looking for a friend whom they do find sexually attractive. Platonic, friendship love is nice, but it is a very different, and less valuable form of love than what the original poster is looking for.
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👍
Nice to know that I can bring this stuff up with some Catholics and not have reactions of shock.
 
JorduSpeaks said:
No offense, LongingSoul, but you’re in fantasy-land. Honesty, virtue, humility, and transparency all make a person lovable, but without sexual attraction they just make a person lovable as a friend.

Sexual attraction is the only factor that separates friendship from romantic partnership. You can be the best friend in the world, but that won’t make the other person commit to an exclusive, lifelong friendship. It also won’t keep them from looking for a friend whom they do find sexually attractive. Platonic, friendship love is nice, but it is a very different, and less valuable form of love than what the original poster is looking for.
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I wasn’t advising that he look for girls with those traits… I was suggesting he hone those traits in himself so that he is naturally maritally attracted to those qualities in ladies. If you are shallow and self oriented, you are going to ironically find shallow, self oriented people attractive. That might be the goal of the OP but it isn’t a basis for life long relationship.
 
LongingSoul said:
I wasn’t advising that he look for girls with those traits… I was suggesting he hone those traits in himself so that he is naturally maritally attracted to those qualities in ladies. If you are shallow and self oriented, you are going to ironically find shallow, self oriented people attractive. That might be the goal of the OP but it isn’t a basis for life long relationship.
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I am aware of what you are suggesting, but there’s a problem. Expecting other people to want to be in a relationship with someone they don’t find attractive is every bit as unrealistic as expecting the same of yourself. Having great personal qualities is great, but it’s not the first thing a person will notice. Nor is it sufficient for a romantic relationship.
 
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