Retrouvaille

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"no one in their right mind wants to separate and divorce unless their is someone else but it will never work out for them."

Dear GoBison,

Contrary to what MOST people believe, unfaithfulness is NEVER the cause for marital discord, separation or divorce. It is only a symptom of a deeper wound in the relationship…lack of respect and a breakdown of communication between spouses.

After nearly 18 years, I had my fill of abuse and neglect…always “wrong,” never “right,” and “being a lousy excuse for a wife, mother and human being…” There was no other man in my life; I only wanted my husband, but at that point he was NOT the same person I admired, respected, married!

Somewhere along the way one or both spouses begins to act in a disrespectful way toward the other – maybe he/she said or did something the other did not agree with – we’re talking really minor things here, like pet peeves at this point. Instead of accepting their differences or rationally discussing and resolving disagreements, one spouse becomes more dominant over the other, more controlling and demanding more from the relationship. They are no longer equals in the marriage but rivals (as defense v. offense on the football field).

There is the loss of respect and the breakdown of communication begins where the two can no longer express their hopes, dreams, needs and desires, their true feelings openly and honestly.

This is when spouses mentally or physically “pack their bags” and run away from the relationship. Some turn to drugs, alcohol, gambling, extramarital affairs, etc. to meet their needs.

I apologize for this reply-turned-epistle…it just bothers me to read such generalities (must be someone else…).

BTW: We are not “bible thumpers” – we are only one of the 80% of thousands of couples who have attended the Retrouvaille program to learn how to be open and honest and respectful in our communication with each other (something no one else has ever taught us). Now we can truly hear and understand the other and we have both come to realize that WE WERE BOTH WRONG and that we wanted to work hard to become the person our spouse married. Love is a DECISION…not a feeling. I decide to love my husband multiple times every day in big and small ways…and he likewise!

Still praying for you and your wife. God hates divorce and HE IS FAITHFUL!
 
I just read this thread all the way through for the first time. My heart goes out to you GoBison.

My 2 cents for what it’s worth…
GoBison, The Lord knows you did all you honestly could. Perhaps best to get the divorce and you get an annulment. Then start life anew. Yes, God hates divorce. But he loves those who do all they could to live in his ways. That sounds like you.

My prayers are with you.

My marriage is on the rocks now and I’m considering retro. I may lay it on the wife after our next explosive fight. If history repeats itself that will be within a day or so. Annulment isn’t an option for me. I’m 15 years and two kids into it. Sadly, the sick part of my soul envies you. At times I dream of starting again free of the misery of marriage. But I have to stick it out.
 
Thanks for the thoughts. I know I have “an out” I pray my wife would want to make things work but it doesn’t look like it right now. The retro weekend starts tomorrow and she is against it still.
 
Joe why are you waiting for a fight to ask your wife to retro? I don’t think she will be receptive to go during the next fight it will look like you are trying to say “you are wrong let’s go to this weekend deal so that I can show you I am right”. If you have the chance to sit down with her and say “I don’t like where we are headed I would like the two of us to go to this weekend and see if it can help both of us feel better about us”.
 
Great advice, GoBison. 👍

Give her a rose and sit down and talk to her when you’re both calm and peaceful and tell her you prize her too much to see more damage done and you want to fix things because you can’t imagine life without her. Take it from that point of view.
 
Dear GoBison,

Just checking in to see how you are doing and to let you know that I am still praying for you and your wife. We are preparing for our community’s program scheduled to begin the weekend of March 19-21. We pray our promotional efforts fall upon the right ears so that spouses can hear our message of help and hope.

We are encouraged to know, too, that next Wednesday a Retrouvaille couple, Frank and Julie LaBoda, will be interviewed on a nationally syndicated program called “The Word in the World.” Here it airs on Trinity Broadcasting Network. Maybe you can check it out in your area. This couple was the Retrouvaille International Coordinators and now are “consultors” to the Pontifical Council on Marriage, hand-picked for the job by the Pope himself! This is just a fancy way to say that this very ordinary couple sometimes still suffers disillusionment and misery in their marriage just like we do…but we know how to move past our difficulties because through Retrouvaille we learned how to talk about them in an open honest and respectful way. This is what we are, this is what we do…try to bring hope to others by our example: we’ve been there, done that, but we survived…you can too! We know you can’t do it alone, but we pray God gifts you with strength to persevere for what’s right and good.

Peace and prayers,

Happy Again
 
Happy Again thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

Things are still the same full speed ahead for her on the divorce. I pray that God is working on softening her heart.

I will look for the program thanks for the info.
 
Tomorrow I am going in for divorce hearing to settle everything. It’s not what I want but have no choice in the matter. I really don’t understand. I have always done “the right thing” and what has it gotten me. I never miss church, I go to confession, adoration. I waited for my wife to have sex while everyone else was out doing whoever not going to church or even being religious and now they are married with kids what do I get. No kids, soon no house and divorced. I have prayed constantly for God to stop the divorce seven months later what am I left with the court is pissed at me for taking so long my wife won’t talk to me and am going to get screwed over in court. What is the point of even praying or doing the right thing.
 
*I’m sorry GoBison,😦 praying for you. Your efforts don’t go unnoticed by God…that’s who matters most, even though what you’re experiencing in this life is quite painful. Nothing that we do for the Lord, is done in vain. I know it’s hard when you’re doing ‘‘right’’ and you see others being rewarded it seems, for doing wrong…but again, everything you’ve done, God has not lost sight of.

I hope that life gets better for you soon. :gopray:*
 
Thanks for the thoughts but right now I just don’t see the point in doing the right thing anymore. If it doesn’t go unnoticed by God why doesn’t he help. I read how divorce has brought people back to God and they seek him. Right now I think I am moving the opposite way and becoming angry with God. Maybe my faith was never strong enough, if not I really don’t think it ever will be strong enough to make it to heaven.
 
GoBison said:
Thanks for the thoughts but right now I just don’t see the point in doing the right thing anymore. If it doesn’t go unnoticed by God why doesn’t he help. I read how divorce has brought people back to God and they seek him. Right now I think I am moving the opposite way and becoming angry with God. Maybe my faith was never strong enough, if not I really don’t think it ever will be strong enough to make it to heaven.
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*People who go through divorces, suffer the same levels of grief as someone who has lost a loved one through death. I lost my parents as a kid…and was angry for gosh, such a long time, GoBison. :o A long time! I think that is completely normal to feel intense anger right now…at God, and what happened…at your wife…etc. This in an important ‘‘step’’ of the grieving process, to let yourself be angry, but to at the same time, give that anger to God. Have you sought out any personal counseling for yourself, may I ask? I think it could be helpful to find a good Catholic counselor who can help you walk through these levels of grief. But, don’t give up the good fight! That is what the devil wants us to do…he uses divorce and loss as tools to move us away from God. Don’t let him. Just know what you are feeling is quite ‘‘normal,’’ but don’t despair. You have people here praying for you, and keep your prayer life alive…God carried me through those dark times after my parents’ deaths (for years actually, I felt He was carrying me)…He will carry you, too. :console:

God bless you, and I admire your tenacity for wanting to keep your marriage together. I will keep you in my prayers. *
 
GoBison said:
Thanks for the thoughts but right now I just don’t see the point in doing the right thing anymore. If it doesn’t go unnoticed by God why doesn’t he help. I read how divorce has brought people back to God and they seek him. Right now I think I am moving the opposite way and becoming angry with God. Maybe my faith was never strong enough, if not I really don’t think it ever will be strong enough to make it to heaven.
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GoBison. Keep this in mind. God sees the big picture that you don’t see.

Remember, the Israelites didn’t want to leave slavery, they were too afraid. I have a sneaking suspicion that you were in a marriage where you weren’t respected or valued. I honestly believe God has a better plan for you.

It’s natural to feel the way that you do, but don’t let that feeling stick. Don’t let it crystalize and obscure who you really are deep down inside.

It really does sound like you were doing all of the right things, and I know for sure that has not gone unnoticed by God, so don’t turn your back on him now. Instead, open up your heart to him and tell him, really tell him how you are hurting and how disappointed you are.

Grieve a little now, but life will get better. I have no doubt that you will look back on this day at some point down the road and know that what happened was for the best. You will find a way to rebuild and on a more solid foundation. Don’t doubt it.

Praying for you now.
 
I could have written everything you did, Bison. Sometimes God allows what we have in our grasp to be taken away from us. Because if our hands are full of that, they cannot hold something much better He may want to give us.

You tried. You can look yourself in the mirror for the rest of your life. What happened to you doesn’t diminish you. In fact, it validates to someone of quality in the future that you really did take your vows seriously in a society that has a throwaway attitude toward vows and people.

I suggest that after your divorce hearing you go to church and make a private holy hour and spend time with the God who loves you above all else. THAT love is always faithful and never dies. Look at the crucifix, the perfect symbol of unreturned love. There was a resurrection after Good Friday. You will have your Easter also. God bless you. I know it hurts. But it gets better.
 
Thanks for the replies. It is now over. Everything settled upon and just waiting to sign the final decree. It was nice to see my wife. She is still a good person just confused. I went to adoration after we got done sat there for 20 mins and cried. Now I’m sitting at the bar.
 
GoBison said:
Thanks for the replies. It is now over. Everything settled upon and just waiting to sign the final decree. It was nice to see my wife. She is still a good person just confused. I went to adoration after we got done sat there for 20 mins and cried. Now I’m sitting at the bar.
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*😦 I’m sorry, GoBison. Please know you’re in my prayers. *
 
Dear GoBison,

I wrote lots this morning … perhaps too much … because when I hit submit it all disappeared. I shared that feelings are not right and they are not wrong, they are a gift from God. Even the anger I feel toward the young kid who rammed and totaled my van yesterday, is valid and real and has worth. But if I were to lash out at him with vulgar hateful words or physically attack him, then I would be guilty of sin.

At the deepest level of despair over 16 years of abuse, when I thought I could not go any further in life and suicide was a real possibility, God still said “no, you will not go to Retrouvaille…yet.” I didn’t think life could get worse, but I was wrong. But in God’s PERFECT time and even in a place that was NOT convenient at all for us (we had to fly to another state to attend our Weekend), God performed a miracle on both me and my husband. That was in 1991.

We know couples come to Retrouvaille even after several years of divorce. I’m not saying it will happen for you, only God knows. I’m just saying there’s always hope and faith, both can be a very valuable thing. When we met for a private audience with Pope Benedict over a year ago, he called all who minister in Retrouvaille “guardians of hope for…couples who have lost all hope.” I will continue to pray that you both may one day hope for forgiveness and reconciliation.

Peace and prayers,

Happy Again
 
Go Bison…I’m sorry you’re going through this difficult time. There really are no words that are going to be the magic ones to take the pain away and make all this make sense to you. I’ve been there, so I know.

I’ve had a lot of disappointments over the years. Many times I prayed and prayed and prayed, yet my prayers were for naught. What I finally realized is that God was answering my prayers…he just wasn’t giving me what I was asking for because it wasn’t right for me, even if I thought it was.

I’ve learned that some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I may not always remember that when I am in the midst of my pain over what I was not getting or what was not happening in my life or what was happening but later, sometimes much later I’ll realize that it really was for the best that my prayers were not answered.

I hope this is what you find someday. That God was doing the right thing when he let your prayers go unanswered.

Hang in there…there are many praying for you.
 
Dear Happy Again, I so agree with your post of dec 29th. I see this in my husband and I. at some point we stopped treating each other with respect, stopped communicating. I am guilty too on my part of taking him for granted, our relationship for granted. I see now that I didnt show the respect towards him that I should have. As I felt disrespected, not listened to I reacted by getting upset, which probably gave him more reason to be open to “find” that person who saw him as the “hero” that I used to see him as.
He believed the lie that If you dont “feel” love, romantic feelings, then youre with the “wrong person”. I see we failed to stay connected to each other and probably both became bitter towards each other, angry. Its hard to be romantic and physical with your husband/wife when you are bitter, angry at them. I knew that we had been drifting apart, not being as connected. I blamed it on not spending enough time together, time to talk. Unfortunately at the same time I had within the prior year lost one of my parents after a long illness, and I felt emotionally drained. I am the one who went to the weekend with my husband- Retrouville, but we did not do the follow up. He refused to do it. Even on the weekend he was pretty mean , lot of blaming me, refusing to do the stuff we were supposed to do even on the weekend. I just thank God that he DID go . He still stays here at our home most evenings, in a separate bedroom of course. I pray that one day he will realize love is a choice, not always a feeling. we have a family, and except for putting our relationship at a low priority, I think we did get along well for the most part for a lot of years- at least the first 10-12 years. I dont know what is in our future. I pray for healing of our family, and marriage. whether it means that one day- to return to Retrouville ( as active participants this time), or some other program only God knows. whatever it takes I will do.
thanks for your helpfull, positive , encouraging message!
 
Dear Mommabear,

I believe you do not see things as clearly as I can from a distance…from what you’ve shared with us, I would surmise that your husband IS making a “decision to love” just by staying physically close to you; that is, in the same house most evenings. And if your level of communication now is even a smidg more civil than it was prior to your Retrouvaille Weekend, I’d say you both heard/learned something during the weekend. Retrouvaille offers couples a 90 day guarantee: If both spouses do not have a crystal clear vision for their future either together or apart after attending the Weekend AND all of the Post Weekend sessions and writing/sharing your innermost hopes, dreams, thoughts and most importantly your FEELINGS with your spouse, you can have your old relationship back. Personally, we both agreed that that was someplace we both NEVER wanted to go back to! So, to stay “on track” and to “give back” to help other couples in honor of those who helped us, we both vowed to stay active in the ministry…forever! It’s working just great for us!

Now, if there is some minute glimmer of hope for your relationship, I would suggest that you pick up a pen and begin writing dialogue letters to your husband again…but be sure to follow the rules to a t! No garbage dumping, accusing, blaming, etc…just answer the question in one word or sentence and spend the rest of the time sharing and describing your strongest feeling. Since you did not get any of the Post Weekend materials with dialogue questions, you might choose to write on the following question as often as you’d like: What was the most positive thing that happened to me today (one word or one sentence!). How do I feel about this experience? Describe the strongest feeling fully.

Next, with gentleness and respect ask your husband to honor your “decision to love” by handing him your notebook and saying something like: “You know that feelings are neither right nor wrong and I made a “decision to love” you by sharing my feelings with you today, and I would be very honored if you would just read my letter.” There doesn’t have to be a verbal exchange after that…all you want him to do is read the words written FROM YOUR HEART.

Here’s the thing: if you write your letter then you can say that YOU are doing something positive to help move your relationship forward. What he may or may not choose to do after reading it is totally his decision. Be prepared for the best and worst response to your request, but I highly recommend that you respect his decision and act in a kind and loving way rather than ‘react’ to the situation as you might have in the past.

We are not counselors and cannot tell you what to do, all we can do is share with you what we know works! You and your husband are the ONLY ONES who can turn your relationship around, but you have to make the decisions to make it happen.

Please know I will keep you both in my prayers. Please keep us posted.

Peace and prayers,

Happy Again
 
Still haven’t received final divorce papers. I don’t know how long it will take to get over this but it really sucks. I don’t even know why I’m getting divorced. It was good of my wife to leave me my dog when we went to divorce court last week because today I found out that my 3 year old lab now has cancer. So I will probably have to put him down. I know living in the US life is a lot easier than most places and but I have to admit from my point of view it kind of sucks right now. I’m 7 hours from my home and only moved here last year because of my wifes job. I work at a small company with only older married people so not a lot of friends here. Getting a job back home isn’t an option because of the market and I turned down the only opening they had in that small down the day wife asked for divorce.

Does God really have a plan for us? If he has one for me I don’t get what it is. It seems like I did everything but it’s just not working out. I’ve always wanted children but after jumping through all the hoops of my wife that didn’t work out. So now I have to jump through more hoops to be able to even start dating. Meanwhile my soon to be ex wife is out enjoying the dating life not carrying about what the church thinks.
 
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