After browsing one of the popular Catholic internet dating websites, I realize there seem to be a lot of good Catholic men out there!!! Actually, this site restored my faith that not all the good men are taken. I have been really impressed by many of the profiles I have read. The men are handsome, educated, well-spoken, some are very open about being virgins or living chaste. Some of these guys are older, though, in their 40s and 50s and never married. Assuming these men are being honest in their profiles and not just saying what they think women want to hear, how is that possible?
Some people have it more difficult to find a partner and some also feel their vocation to married life with a varying intensity throughout the stages of their life. In common words, some people need a longer time to settle down. Some are socially awkward in this or that way (which may be a problem when you try to have a relationship with them but it also may totally be not a problem as well).
Also, some men who are handsome, educated, well-spoken etc. are not actually successful with women. They get passed over or it just doesn’t work out. It isn’t always clearly explicable.
I know there are probably an equal number of good Catholic women out there. So WHY aren’t we getting together?
Because people and especially people of the 21st century can’t really just locate an eligible specimen of the opposite sex and marry. At least not in the Western culture. They need things to happen in a more natural way. Plus, attraction is a factor.
We know God wants us to be fruitful, multiply and raise good Catholic children, so why isn’t that happening? Why aren’t people getting together anymore? Even on these dating sites, members seem to be at an impasse and there is no real communication going on: men don’t write women or respond when the women do write; women are afraid to be vulnerable and hope a man will write to them.
At one dating website where I have an account, which used to be a Catholic one but isn’t really any more although the applicable fields still remain to be filled in in questionnaires, there are like almost 400,000 users. At this stage, I can actually recognise face in thumbnails that appear on the starting page under the “random 5” or “recently active”. (I’ve also learnt a heckton about people in the process.)
What is really going on?
Thoughts? Conspiracy theories?
(Of course. Conspiracy theories about dating are my favourite topic of discussion. Please prepare yourself for a loooong read.)
…But the typical problem is lack of sufficient cause. Okay, she’s kinda pretty. Okay, not bad hobbies or interests, at all, nice education. Not bad attitude. But what makes her different from 20 other people who fit the same description?
I can’t go and meet all 20 of them. Nor will I ever, ever solve such an issue by randomisation, whether picking the first one I came across or any, say 5 out of 20, or even those who live the closest but are otherwise not noticeably different, those would be really stupid, inadequate criteria of choosing. But the conclusion is at any rate that there is simply no sufficient cause in any of the cases.
That is not to say I classify the person(s) as not unique, uninteresting, etc. I suppose in more natural conditions I might perhaps become interested in some of them starting from a chance meeting at work or conference or another post-grad course. But then you deal with what’s coming at you, which is different, and you are naturally in a better position to appreciate the person’s unique qualities.
Another frequent problem is silliness or platitudes. If I see a profile where the question about personality is answered along the lines of, “variable, like any other woman,” I take it as a sign that it could be someone who can’t fill in a simple questionnaire meaningfully and especially in a situation where she should be interested in the outcome!
Yet another is politics. When I see a happy drone of the ruling party along with its media clique and attached moral authorities, I know that it’s pointless. It probably isn’t really, but I just don’t have the stamina or energy.
Perhaps something I should have mentioned in an earlier position is permissivism or indifferent attitudes. When I see answers like, “that’s a person choice,” “I don’t have an opinion,” on matters such as birth control, divorce, premarital relations, then like above, it’s not a pointless situation, it’s not a lost case by any means, but I simply don’t have the stamina or energy to go through it. A person with that type of attitude would find life with me very hard, and vice versa.
What else? I’m probably not going to write to a person who can’t punctuate to save his life (missing a couple of obligatory commas is one thing but altogether missing punctuation or completely messed up typography when someone has a Master’s degree is a different cup of fish). Same for grossly wrong grammar or syntax, especially when it obstructs communication or begs the question whether that person is really thinking logically, is really communicating.
I also skip some profiles based on poses taken for pictures. I remain aware of that a picture is just a picture, one of many, possibly random, perhaps an isolated occurrence (while the probability of the opposite is much higher), but the pose still has meaning, the choices made with regard to one’s own appearance or the scenery or the message to be conveyed, it all matters. As I said, I try to be cautious here because there’s a huge risk of mistake but in some cases I can tell that’s not a person for me. For example, as a “blanket policy”, I skip any profiles with pictures alluding to nudity or even jokingly conveying a sexually suggestive message. I just don’t want arguments about that with a future girlfriend, let alone wife. I try not to judge but I exercise my right to opt out of examining the possibility of a romantic relationship.
Sometimes a picture can tell a lot about personality or sense of humour. So it can send a powerful message (stronger than a thousand words etc.) that makes me identify a person potentially after my own heart. But in other, more frequent situations, it conveys the message that we evidently don’t really have a compatible sense of humour or balance between seriousness and light-heartedness, or sense of situational propriety. (For example, for me subjectively, both too serious and too airheaded can be a problem.) Again, I don’t expect any sort of perfect balance. In fact, I don’t believe a perfect balance exists, it’s variable. People aren’t
that constant. But I can tell when we’re just not compatible. Or not compatible to the extent I’d desire because there’s no such thing as absolute incompatibility (to paraphrase a judicial expert appointed by the Roman Rota in one of the cases I’ve read the judgment from). Somebody who makes you laugh can be your match. Somebody who laughs at your jokes may be interested. Somebody whose jokes appear unfunny to you (or vice versa) is likely not a match.
Sometimes in some responses provided in open answer fields, I notice traces of attitudes or moods or personality traits that I’ve had to deal with the past and would prefer to avoid dealing with in the future. I don’t even mean anybody who just simply has some issues. Everybody has issues. The Catholic definition of normalcy admits of even moderate issues (to quote the Roman Rota again
). But some people I just wouldn’t get along with in a romantic relationship. I could give more examples but here’s just a few: someone who always complains (a generally negative attitude), someone who has a visible grudge against men to the point of contempt or hostility (merely believing that most men are up to no good and cats are generally preferable is not something we’d significantly diverge on).
Other causes of skipping someone include contempt for my line of work or education (if she hates lawyers, then I guess we have something in common but the situation is kinda difficult if we’re going to click) or my hobbies or a character or personality trait I have. “Latin is for nerds,” “only immature men play computer games,” “a real man knows how to fix stuff without calling professionals,” “who needs a Ph.D.,” go on making statements like that and see if I’ll write to you.
Not a chance, to be precise. I still respect you but I’d be missing something in such a relationship, probably a lot. If you believe I’m a scoundrel or lazy bum (or both) but you still want to marry me for some reason, then you’d better be prepared to provide a really good reason.
).