Seriously, what's REALLY going on?

[SeekNFind]

I’m not interested in dating people on this site, but there should be a chat function on here. It would be entertaining at the least.

As a convert, I cannot speak to the search for a specifically Catholic mate. I was a devout Protestant when I was back at the age of getting married, and I knew that I could not marry someone who was not, at least, a Christian. Being Protestant, I didn’t place such a high priority on my husband’s sharing my “denomination”, as those are of lesser importance than the difference between Catholic and non-Catholic.

My darling husband and I converted to Catholicism about six years ago.

I do know, though, that our marriage is the direct cause of at least one of our friend’s still remaining single. He told us that, had he seen only the marriages of some of our other friends, he would probably have married any one of a few different girls he has known over the past years. Knowing us, however, and seeing our marriage have spoiled him. He wants what we have.

Unfortunately, I don’t know ANYONE who has what we have, so I don’t know if that is a good thing for him or not.

What a nice testament to your relationship. When I was Protestant, I didn’t claim a particular denomination (and tried finding one which lead me to Catholicism ) but always felt I would convert to whatever my husband was. I just needed him to be Christian. Now that I’m Catholic, I don’t see myself marrying someone who isn’t Catholic. However, never say never I guess

 

[SeekNFind]

At one dating website where I have an account, which used to be a Catholic one but isn’t really any more although the applicable fields still remain to be filled in in questionnaires, there are like almost 400,000 users. At this stage, I can actually recognise face in thumbnails that appear on the starting page under the “random 5” or “recently active”. (I’ve also learnt a heckton about people in the process.)

(Of course. Conspiracy theories about dating are my favourite topic of discussion. Please prepare yourself for a loooong read.)

…But the typical problem is lack of sufficient cause. Okay, she’s kinda pretty. Okay, not bad hobbies or interests, at all, nice education. Not bad attitude. But what makes her different from 20 other people who fit the same description?

I can’t go and meet all 20 of them. Nor will I ever, ever solve such an issue by randomisation, whether picking the first one I came across or any, say 5 out of 20, or even those who live the closest but are otherwise not noticeably different, those would be really stupid, inadequate criteria of choosing. But the conclusion is at any rate that there is simply no sufficient cause in any of the cases.

That is not to say I classify the person(s) as not unique, uninteresting, etc. I suppose in more natural conditions I might perhaps become interested in some of them starting from a chance meeting at work or conference or another post-grad course. But then you deal with what’s coming at you, which is different, and you are naturally in a better position to appreciate the person’s unique qualities.

Another frequent problem is silliness or platitudes. If I see a profile where the question about personality is answered along the lines of, “variable, like any other woman,” I take it as a sign that it could be someone who can’t fill in a simple questionnaire meaningfully and especially in a situation where she should be interested in the outcome!

Yet another is politics. When I see a happy drone of the ruling party along with its media clique and attached moral authorities, I know that it’s pointless. It probably isn’t really, but I just don’t have the stamina or energy.

Perhaps something I should have mentioned in an earlier position is permissivism or indifferent attitudes. When I see answers like, “that’s a person choice,” “I don’t have an opinion,” on matters such as birth control, divorce, premarital relations, then like above, it’s not a pointless situation, it’s not a lost case by any means, but I simply don’t have the stamina or energy to go through it. A person with that type of attitude would find life with me very hard, and vice versa.

What else? I’m probably not going to write to a person who can’t punctuate to save his life (missing a couple of obligatory commas is one thing but altogether missing punctuation or completely messed up typography when someone has a Master’s degree is a different cup of fish). Same for grossly wrong grammar or syntax, especially when it obstructs communication or begs the question whether that person is really thinking logically, is really communicating.

I also skip some profiles based on poses taken for pictures. I remain aware of that a picture is just a picture, one of many, possibly random, perhaps an isolated occurrence (while the probability of the opposite is much higher), but the pose still has meaning, the choices made with regard to one’s own appearance or the scenery or the message to be conveyed, it all matters. As I said, I try to be cautious here because there’s a huge risk of mistake but in some cases I can tell that’s not a person for me. For example, as a “blanket policy”, I skip any profiles with pictures alluding to nudity or even jokingly conveying a sexually suggestive message. I just don’t want arguments about that with a future girlfriend, let alone wife. I try not to judge but I exercise my right to opt out of examining the possibility of a romantic relationship.

Sometimes a picture can tell a lot about personality or sense of humour. So it can send a powerful message (stronger than a thousand words etc.) that makes me identify a person potentially after my own heart. But in other, more frequent situations, it conveys the message that we evidently don’t really have a compatible sense of humour or balance between seriousness and light-heartedness, or sense of situational propriety. (For example, for me subjectively, both too serious and too airheaded can be a problem.) Again, I don’t expect any sort of perfect balance. In fact, I don’t believe a perfect balance exists, it’s variable. People aren’t that constant. But I can tell when we’re just not compatible. Or not compatible to the extent I’d desire because there’s no such thing as absolute incompatibility (to paraphrase a judicial expert appointed by the Roman Rota in one of the cases I’ve read the judgment from). Somebody who makes you laugh can be your match. Somebody who laughs at your jokes may be interested. Somebody whose jokes appear unfunny to you (or vice versa) is likely not a match.

Sometimes in some responses provided in open answer fields, I notice traces of attitudes or moods or personality traits that I’ve had to deal with the past and would prefer to avoid dealing with in the future. I don’t even mean anybody who just simply has some issues. Everybody has issues. The Catholic definition of normalcy admits of even moderate issues (to quote the Roman Rota again ). But some people I just wouldn’t get along with in a romantic relationship. I could give more examples but here’s just a few: someone who always complains (a generally negative attitude), someone who has a visible grudge against men to the point of contempt or hostility (merely believing that most men are up to no good and cats are generally preferable is not something we’d significantly diverge on).

Other causes of skipping someone include contempt for my line of work or education (if she hates lawyers, then I guess we have something in common but the situation is kinda difficult if we’re going to click) or my hobbies or a character or personality trait I have. “Latin is for nerds,” “only immature men play computer games,” “a real man knows how to fix stuff without calling professionals,” “who needs a Ph.D.,” go on making statements like that and see if I’ll write to you. Not a chance, to be precise. I still respect you but I’d be missing something in such a relationship, probably a lot. If you believe I’m a scoundrel or lazy bum (or both) but you still want to marry me for some reason, then you’d better be prepared to provide a really good reason.

Very interesting, especially the candid insight into what makes you go for or skip someone’s profile. I should have you analyze mine and give me tips LOL

 

[SeekNFind]

**In yet other cases I simply see I don’t have what the particular lady needs. I respect her and I want the best for her, so it won’t be good to try and convince her. **Both she and I “deserve” to meet someone we can more fully accept and be accepted by. Typical cases include persons who emphasise physical fitness or good health in their “ideal” man. I keep sprinting when I’m spitting out blood, so I guess I’m one tough bastard but the problem is I do spit that blood if I run half a mile. (And lungs are just one of the things that have gone wrong.) So if someone wants “good health”, then I obviously don’t qualify. So I move on. Some other girl needs a guy who will basically direct her life. I’m not that guy. Or a guy whose primarily role is to support her as she makes all the cool decisions herself or about their life. I’m not that guy either.

**Therefore, skipping is the most frequent decision I make when it comes to dating websites. **I also give people enough information to skip me preemptively now rather than years later. Or rather than living out a disappointment. My profile actually lists the fact that I play Starcraft, can never find my keys or wallet or mobile phone, don’t know what job I’ll be doing in 5 years from now, don’t have a life plan, don’t engage in any physical sport. Not so overtly but I’ve also provided a practical sample of ways in which I can be annoying: writing a long column of text, using literally language rather than “keeping it real” (but at the same time enough tough colloquial talk to displease any softie), splattering it with trivia from all sorts of areas I can’t possibly be good at the same time, occasionally using foreign languages or going off on a historical tangent, or talking like a lawyer. It’s all there, (as much as I made the effort to make it attractive because I’m not an idiot who thinks the opposite sex should actually have to compete for his grudgingly given attention or anything like that.)

This is interesting: unless a woman says she wants a very specific trait or attribute that you don’t have (ie he must be a doctor or he must be 6’5", or the example you have) what else would a woman say in her profile to make you think that you don’t have what she needs? And I know guys don’t like this word, but could it also be intimidation about something in her profile? Do you talk yourself out of a potential candidate because you think you might not be good enough? And I’m not implying you aren’t of course I’m wondering if this is common in guys’ minds.

 

[chevalier]

Very interesting, especially the candid insight into what makes you go for or skip someone’s profile. I should have you analyze mine and give me tips LOL

By all means go ahead.

 

[chevalier]

This is interesting: unless a woman says she wants a very specific trait or attribute that you don’t have (ie he must be a doctor or he must be 6’5", or the example you have)

I actually am 6’5’’. But a lanky type, not a train stopper.

For the record, those specifically intended traits connect to the canon law device provided canon 1097 § 2, which is a defect of consent by which if a person directly and principally intends a certain quality in his spouse, then error concerning that quality makes marriage invalid. Jurisprudence or doctrine tends to understand “directly and principally” as basically more desired than the specific person (candidate, prospective spouse) himself, while noting that such a desire is perhaps not ideal from the point of view of personalist theology but it’s lawful. Desiring a medical doctor specifically (as in must have an MD/licence to practice or no deal) would be a textbook example (I’ve seen it used at least once). Anything less than that and the marriage is not invalid. But still, let’s treat people fairly and respect their desires. They can probably budge if we pester them long enough, especially if they’re starved for a partner (and many people have a difficulty saying no in such personal situations or when it’s implied that they’re selfish or discriminatory for not giving in), but we can’t be sure that they’d be happy if they “gave us a chance”. In fact, I’d be cautious and I’d expect such a person to be very sure that she really wanted to change her mind, that it wasn’t a hasty decision that she could later regret.

More egoistically, I want someone who doesn’t see significant lacks in me or see me as second best or the best of what generally bad material is there. The thought of a woman “settling” for me hurts my ego and would be difficult for me to handle, I’d need to know that she at least sees me as someone special on a personal level and has a concrete reason to pick me and not somebody else (and better a subjective reason too apart from only objective considerations like appreciating the degrees or supposed earning potential in status/good catch terms as opposed to referring them to my personality).

what else would a woman say in her profile to make you think that you don’t have what she needs?

Plenty of stress on being, what’s the English word, I’m afraid there’s none… something of a handyman that’s able and effective in the conventional sense. The opposite of absent-minded, distracted. I can be very resourceful and pragmatic, so I guess I could occasionally impress such a woman, but I’m often absent-minded, lost in thought. I’m a Ph.D. wannabe in an Arts field, you know. Oh, I guess “practical” could be one way to put it.

(Reminds me of a situation when my mother asked my father to remove water from a washing machine. There was a funky rubber cord for that, something that worked based on pressure. But he just liften the thing upside down and emptied it into the bathtub. It took less time, was less complicated and didn’t tax him much physically, so IMHO it was a practical solution. But I understand that it could have seemed crude, unelegant from my mum’s point of view. Years later, I used a gimmicky structure based on variables to achieve with 6 lines of code the same thing that “professional” programmers spent two pages on with all the proper structure and definitions and all that jazz that wasn’t really necessary. But I’m not practical in the conventional sense)

Then I guess if the lady’s expectations in her profile have manly/masculine written all over it, then I skip. This is not because I consider myself effeminate but I don’t really have macho traits, well, depends which ones. Primarily, I don’t have typical male hobbies or even skills (e.g. can’t drive or repair a car, not interested in sports, don’t body-build), I solve a lot of things by talking and diplomacy and I really don’t like watching testosterone at play where men start to look like roosters fighting, appreciate refinement within reason (eating meat off a knife is cool and particularly endearing when a woman does it but some other things men generally tend to do on the rougher side don’t sit too well with me). While on the other hand I have a collection of manly traits of character and a distinctly male manner in things I do (way of writing, speaking etc.), and I’m also the kind of litigator you wouldn’t like to meet in the coutroom unless on your own side, I still probably don’t fit the description that such a lady has in mind (large chest, rough around the edges, knows how to fix a tap or break a jaw). Especially when you additionally consider my health. For the record, I perfectly understand and respect a woman’s preference for a sporty, more fit guy. If she has that preference, she would be happier with someone else than with me! Obviously, if we already had some romance going because of some events in life, then things would be different, but if we don’t, if we’re only friends yet, then it’s only fitting to prompt her to go for what she really likes instead!

What else? If she overemphasises the serious attitude/approach she expects from men (note: this is different from when she emphasises the expectation of honesty or respect, in which case I’m more inclined to write to her because she sounds like a kindred soul). I need romance and I’m not exactly looking for somebody to sign a mortgage with and move on to the next stage of suffering in life. I am very serious on commitment and monogamy (to a fault perhaps) but I still don’t want that type of commitment. I won’t fall in love when I have a deadline set. And if I am to marry someone who isn’t in love with me, I want that person to be someone who has a good reason to forego being in love, e.g. respecting or trusting me or being impressed with my individual qualities, some other individualised reason that has some merit. And if any reasonably handsome man with a nice degree will work, then there are many more such men, doesn’t have to be I.

To illustrate the above, I once had a nice colleague, a great girl and very attractive at that, in a unique way as she also had an improbable (rare) ethnic combination (a comfortable mix of familiar Polish with something more exotic). The problem was she didn’t see a husband as someone who’d keep her home. A child, yeah, but not really husband. The implication was that a child was something, someone, you’d give attention to but a husband was relatively marginal. It wasn’t exactly respect for her vision of life and marriage that prompted me to skip her (It was more about my vision being different) but I did conclude that our ideas of marriage diverged a lot because while I appreciate “breathing room”, I generally want romance (more in a Walter Scott than a Hollywood understanding, though ) and a lot of warmth, with emphasis on companionship and comaraderie. I am not interested in a traditional Polish marriage, which is a martyrological affair, a malum necessarium and a purgatory on earth. In which children are your only consolation, while the spouse inevitably ends up being the “other party”.

I also tend to skip people who are in formative stages of their lives, seeking etc. It can be fun and very connective to go through that with someone. There could be a very special bond from that. At the same time, I’m somewhat afraid to get involved with someone whose taste in men can change and whose character and personality may change when she makes some decisions concerning her identity. Too many answers like “I still need to make up my mind” and I don’t take risks (even as a person who doesn’t know for sure which job line he will be in, in, say, five years from now).

For a similar reason I skip women who emphasise variability, fickleness. It can be charming, especially to other people (to me particularly, it doesn’t appeal that much, although I can understand why it appeals to others), but I have some bad experience there and honestly I have some trouble respecting a position which seems to claim some right to behave unreasonably, even perhaps go back on you. As in, it can have its good sides like when your lady has a different style every year or so, goes through different hobbies and dabbles with many things but it’s far less cool when she goes back on promises, loses interest in interacting with you, leaves you and then comes back to you or, well, leaves you and doesn’t come back. Plus, I grew up on tales of chivalry. One’s word is one bond. I also don’t particularly appreciate fickleness for some reason, maybe because of my law education that emphasises the necessity for delivering on one’s agreements. I like cheerfulness and an adventuring streak in people a whole big deal (doubt I could live without it) but I also like something that a writer referred to as “regal sagacity”.

 

[chevalier]

And I know guys don’t like this word, but could it also be intimidation about something in her profile?

Of course it could! And is. I am intimidated by negativity, plenty of stern statements in a profile, a notable defiance in attitude; but also by the fickleness or variability. Those things are scary. I can also be intimidated by signs of a high temper combined with signs pointing towards the possibility that the person might be too physical or too sensual before marriage from my point of view, or perhaps some tendency to understand monogamy less restrictively than I do. Those are scary things too, I freely admit I’m intimidated by them.

Do you talk yourself out of a potential candidate because you think you might not be good enough? And I’m not implying you aren’t of course I’m wondering if this is common in guys’ minds.

No, but I’d acquire additional respect for her, which might show. There is a type of respect which is earned and also not everyone whom we respect we are impressed by equally. And that would be a person I’d have special respect and be especially impressed by, in this sense. If anything, it’d be refreshing to find a person’s profile inspiring me to put all my effort in meeting her, getting to know her. As you may remember, I mentioned insufficient cause before, insufficient motivation.

On the other hand, if it were someone like, I don’t know, Ph.D. in hard science plus national champion in a certain sport, looks of a model and an indomitable work ethic, plus some serious Christian formation, then I’d know that I couldn’t compare with that type of achievement and that there were many men more deserving (while I wouldn’t allow the difference in social standing, income or even intelligence to make me shut off a possibility).

Sometimes I hesitate when I see what a great Christian girl someone is (a hint of sanctity perhaps?) and I know what scoundrel I am, but I’m not sure I’ve ever skipped someone for this reason, at least not in a very direct way, as in strictly not good enough, mostly still in terms of a difference of expectations (even though it might be superior to be what she expects than to be what I am). Maybe if it were at the same time a significantly younger person, with less life experience, with some noticeable naiveté. But otherwise I’d leave it up to her to decide. (And wouldn’t be trying to protect her from herself.)

For the record, I can be very much intimidated by a beautiful woman (not without connection with how she acts, not just narrowly understood features) in the sense that I find it harder to speak, the mood becomes more solemn, the etiquette more formal, language more archaic. Perhaps also in part because I realise what might be going on, that this might be a defining moment in life, but mostly because of her presence. But if she takes this for a weakness or falls for the evolutionary shortcut that if I’m so taken with her, then my position on the roster must be low or lower than of a guy who doesn’t feel so special about her (it might be somewhat natural that people see themselves as being above people who seem to be significantly impressed with them), then I’m ready to move on and conclude that while I found exceptional good or beauty in her, there were also other factors which prevailed. With regret, but move on nonetheless.

 

[fastenatingguy]

After browsing one of the popular Catholic internet dating websites, I realize there seem to be a lot of good Catholic men out there!!! Actually, this site restored my faith that not all the good men are taken. I have been really impressed by many of the profiles I have read. The men are handsome, educated, well-spoken, some are very open about being virgins or living chaste. Some of these guys are older, though, in their 40s and 50s and never married. Assuming these men are being honest in their profiles and not just saying what they think women want to hear, how is that possible?

I know there are probably an equal number of good Catholic women out there. So WHY aren’t we getting together? We know God wants us to be fruitful, multiply and raise good Catholic children, so why isn’t that happening? Why aren’t people getting together anymore? Even on these dating sites, members seem to be at an impasse and there is no real communication going on: men don’t write women or respond when the women do write; women are afraid to be vulnerable and hope a man will write to them.

What is really going on? Thoughts? Conspiracy theories?

Reminds me of freshman year at my all boys catholic high school. We would invite freshman girls from the four nearby girls schools for a dance. The first thirty minutes all the boys on one side, all the girls on the other.

 

[chevalier]

Reminds me of freshman year at my all boys catholic high school. We would invite freshman girls from the four nearby girls schools for a dance. The first thirty minutes all the boys on one side, all the girls on the other.

Well, exposing yourself is not really a problem. It’s worse when you need to pick one, which means you don’t pick the others.

Also, I think women shouldn’t be in a position like where there’s a guy moving in between them and picking. It does feel indecorous, irreverent. As in, you can go and pick and even stroll and pick, but it shouldn’t be like they’re all gathered and waiting for you to pick one out of twenty.

 

[SeekNFind]

By all means go ahead.

Might just take you up on that haha. Watch your PM box.

I actually am 6’5’’. But a lanky type, not a train stopper.

More egoistically, I want someone who doesn’t see significant lacks in me or see me as second best or the best of what generally bad material is there. The thought of a woman “settling” for me hurts my ego and would be difficult for me to handle, I’d need to know that she at least sees me as someone special on a personal level and has a concrete reason to pick me and not somebody else (and better a subjective reason too apart from only objective considerations like appreciating the degrees or supposed earning potential in status/good catch terms as opposed to referring them to my personality).

What else? If she overemphasises the serious attitude/approach she expects from men (note: this is different from when she emphasises the expectation of honesty or respect, in which case I’m more inclined to write to her because she sounds like a kindred soul). I need romance and I’m not exactly looking for somebody to sign a mortgage with and move on to the next stage of suffering in life. I am very serious on commitment and monogamy (to a fault perhaps) but I still don’t want that type of commitment. I won’t fall in love when I have a deadline set. And if I am to marry someone who isn’t in love with me, I want that person to be someone who has a good reason to forego being in love, e.g. respecting or trusting me or being impressed with my individual qualities, some other individualised reason that has some merit. And if any reasonably handsome man with a nice degree will work, then there are many more such men, doesn’t have to be I.

To illustrate the above, I once had a nice colleague, a great girl and very attractive at that, in a unique way as she also had an improbable (rare) ethnic combination (a comfortable mix of familiar Polish with something more exotic). The problem was she didn’t see a husband as someone who’d keep her home. A child, yeah, but not really husband. The implication was that a child was something, someone, you’d give attention to but a husband was relatively marginal.** It wasn’t exactly respect for her vision of life and marriage that prompted me to skip her (It was more about my vision being different) **but I did conclude that our ideas of marriage diverged a lot because while I appreciate “breathing room”, I generally want romance (more in a Walter Scott than a Hollywood understanding, though ) and a lot of warmth, with emphasis on companionship and comaraderie. I am not interested in a traditional Polish marriage, which is a martyrological affair, a malum necessarium and a purgatory on earth. In which children are your only consolation, while the spouse inevitably ends up being the “other party”.

I also tend to skip people who are in formative stages of their lives, seeking etc. It can be fun and very connective to go through that with someone. There could be a very special bond from that. At the same time, I’m somewhat afraid to get involved with someone whose taste in men can change and whose character and personality may change when she makes some decisions concerning her identity. Too many answers like “I still need to make up my mind” and I don’t take risks (even as a person who doesn’t know for sure which job line he will be in, in, say, five years from now).

For a similar reason I skip women who emphasise variability, fickleness. It can be charming, especially to other people (to me particularly, it doesn’t appeal that much, although I can understand why it appeals to others), but I have some bad experience there and honestly I have some trouble respecting a position which seems to claim some right to behave unreasonably, even perhaps go back on you. As in, it can have its good sides like when your lady has a different style every year or so, goes through different hobbies and dabbles with many things but it’s far less cool when she goes back on promises, loses interest in interacting with you, leaves you and then comes back to you or, well, leaves you and doesn’t come back. Plus, I grew up on tales of chivalry. One’s word is one bond. I also don’t particularly appreciate fickleness for some reason, maybe because of my law education that emphasises the necessity for delivering on one’s agreements. I like cheerfulness and an adventuring streak in people a whole big deal (doubt I could live without it) but I also like something that a writer referred to as “regal sagacity”.

Haha, 6’5" was a good guess. Thanks for explaining what you meant further. It’s amazing how much a profile may convey (perhaps without even recognizing it ).

 

[SeekNFind]

Of course it could! And is. I am intimidated by negativity, plenty of stern statements in a profile, a notable defiance in attitude; but also by the fickleness or variability. Those things are scary. I can also be intimidated by signs of a high temper combined with signs pointing towards the possibility that the person might be too physical or too sensual before marriage from my point of view, or perhaps some tendency to understand monogamy less restrictively than I do. Those are scary things too, I freely admit I’m intimidated by them.

No, but I’d acquire additional respect for her, which might show. There is a type of respect which is earned and also not everyone whom we respect we are impressed by equally. And that would be a person I’d have special respect and be especially impressed by, in this sense. If anything, it’d be refreshing to find a person’s profile inspiring me to put all my effort in meeting her, getting to know her. As you may remember, I mentioned insufficient cause before, insufficient motivation.

On the other hand, if it were someone like, I don’t know, Ph.D. in hard science plus national champion in a certain sport, looks of a model and an indomitable work ethic, plus some serious Christian formation, then I’d know that I couldn’t compare with that type of achievement and that there were many men more deserving (while I wouldn’t allow the difference in social standing, income or even intelligence to make me shut off a possibility).

Sometimes I hesitate when I see what a great Christian girl someone is (a hint of sanctity perhaps?) and I know what scoundrel I am, **but I’m not sure I’ve ever skipped someone for this reason, at least not in a very direct way, as in strictly not good enough, mostly still in terms of a difference of expectations **(even though it might be superior to be what she expects than to be what I am). Maybe if it were at the same time a significantly younger person, with less life experience, with some noticeable naiveté. But otherwise I’d leave it up to her to decide. (And wouldn’t be trying to protect her from herself.)

For the record, I can be very much intimidated by a beautiful woman (not without connection with how she acts, not just narrowly understood features) in the sense that I find it harder to speak, the mood becomes more solemn, the etiquette more formal, language more archaic. Perhaps also in part because I realise what might be going on, that this might be a defining moment in life, but mostly because of her presence. But if she takes this for a weakness or falls for the evolutionary shortcut that if I’m so taken with her, then my position on the roster must be low or lower than of a guy who doesn’t feel so special about her (it might be somewhat natural that people see themselves as being above people who seem to be significantly impressed with them), then I’m ready to move on and conclude that while I found exceptional good or beauty in her, there were also other factors which prevailed. With regret, but move on nonetheless.

I can understand the negative stuff being a turn-off for sure. Your decision to leave the the other woman who’s educated and well-formed for someone else who is better qualified is a dangerous one for the woman. . .Often, no one comes along who thinks he’s “good enough” or all the guys assume she must already have tons of offers and this woman ends up thinking she’s flawed.

Reminds me of freshman year at my all boys catholic high school. We would invite freshman girls from the four nearby girls schools for a dance. The first thirty minutes all the boys on one side, all the girls on the other.

LOL, story of my life back in grade school.

 

[Et_Cetera]

Am I imagining this or was there a like a big chatroom type of thing attached to CAF at one time? I know this is kind of off topic, but I don’t know why I’m thinking that there was.

 

[chevalier]

I can understand the negative stuff being a turn-off for sure. Your decision to leave the the other woman who’s educated and well-formed for someone else who is better qualified is a dangerous one for the woman. . .

Sorry, I didn’t express myself clearly enough. I wouldn’t necessarily skip even someone with a long list of achievements, credentials and whatever. But if I clearly saw I didn’t have nearly enough to offer from my side, then I’d be rather inhibited, definitely careful, not the usual method of action, it would be rather difficult.

For the record, as I said before, I do skip profiles that make some requirements I don’t meet. It doesn’t really make sense to nudge people to negotiate and lower (or change) their standards, unless the situation is exceptional like something they might have not foreseen or unless it concerns something they only prefer but don’t really require. Basically, if they have reasonable standards, they should be encouraged to follow their dreams, while if they have unreasonable ones, they probably need to grow up a little before they’re ready for a relationship.

Often, no one comes along who thinks he’s “good enough” or all the guys assume she must already have tons of offers and this woman ends up thinking she’s flawed.

Yes, that’s true. You’re quite perceptive. But there’s actually one problem with that. We don’t really want to be with someone who takes us because he or she can’t find better (or especially until he or she finds better). What if he or she does find better? Well, obviously, before marriage one should do the right thing and return his or her beloved the freedom and encourage that person to do what’s good for him/her (rather than being an egoist and insisting on the promises), but this may mean a lost investment of months, perhaps years, which won’t be coming back, and a lot of emotions.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I think it has been easier for boys not to grow up until they are over 35. I think some of those in their 40’s and 50 are finally mature enough to handle it now. It’s just rather late.

I think that’s a lot of it plus the world today tells people that marriage is sort of prison and not something to be honored where as being in a couple unmarried is considered smart by the world especially if you are just living together. I think also selfishness has something to do with people in general are very self absorbed these days and for many it’s hard to think about the needs of another person. I this is a general trend among both genders.

 

[Gertabelle]

(Of course. Conspiracy theories about dating are my favourite topic of discussion. Please prepare yourself for a looong read.)

Chevalier, I can hardly wait to meet you in heaven - though if you’re ever in the slice of heaven-on-earth called Colorado, I’ll arrange a poker party so you can join me and my friends (many of whom are faithful single ladies) for a few hours of not-so-serious card playing.

Seriously, I have been reconsidering being open again to dating again, though dating is probably not the correct term, perhaps even the worst possible term. Your posts have given me much to consider, particularly the importance of NOT trying to be “all things to all men.”

Thanks for the awesome posts - it truly made my morning reading through this thread!

God bless y’all!

Gertie

 

[AthenaC]

That’s disappointing. I do think there are a LOT of nominal Catholics out there or liberal Catholics (liberal about pre-marital sex, birth control, etc) but I’m not giving up! I feel like I gave God a huge challenge of finding me a spouse when I became Catholic. Then again, maybe that was something I needed to do before He would lead me to the man He has in mind for me.

You misunderstand. When I say “not really Catholic” I don’t mean those types of issues. I mean “I think that God and Satan depend on each other for existence (in some sort of yin-yang causality loop)” or “Well the Church is wrong here because the English in the KJV says something different in this verse right here.” And my personal favorite: “I’m not sure I believe in the Real Presence.” At which point I told him that he should not be receiving the Eucharist if that were the case. The conversation didn’t go too well from there.

My agnostic husband is better catechized than any “Catholic” man I tried to date.

 

[chevalier]

Hey, Gertie, how nice of you! Thank you! Wish you luck in your endeavours, whether in love or in poker!

Chevalier, I can hardly wait to meet you in heaven - though if you’re ever in the slice of heaven-on-earth called Colorado, I’ll arrange a poker party so you can join me and my friends (many of whom are faithful single ladies) for a few hours of not-so-serious card playing.

The kind where one can seven cards in hand and another three in his sleeve and nobody minds?

Seriously, I have been reconsidering being open again to dating again, though dating is probably not the correct term, perhaps even the worst possible term. Your posts have given me much to consider, particularly the importance of NOT trying to be “all things to all men.”

How about a little reframe? That actually got me thinking. I think at least I myself sort of try to be that to some extent, in a jack of all trades kind of sense but it only makes me feel that while I can connect with so many people to some extent, that kind of one-and-only special connection is decisively unlikely to be found. (As in dabblers are unique in how they dabble with a number of different things.) But I definitely stand by the idea that not everybody is a great option for everybody and that one shouldn’t force it, while we shouldn’t take offence or feel wronged or anything like that just because we don’t click with somebody or that somebody has different dreams. As long as it’s said candidly and without drama, I think it can all be healthy and non-depressing. I think mannerisms, beating around the bush and all sorts of other-than-simple ways are a major cause of the problems people experience in the dating field.

 

[chevalier]

Slightly pushing the limits of the topic but I’ve got a hint for dating website users:

don’t start a conversation with a man or woman with complaining.

Seriously. Life can be miserable, for many of us it is tough. But if we’re looking for a therapeutic proverbial sleeve to cry into, that sounds like the role of a friend, not something to do with a dating website.

One just can’t build a relationship on that, and it will give the man the impression that the complaining is all there is there or at least that it is as large a part of your life as it is of your conversations. And while he might actually want to be for you that arm to cry on, that can make him a friend or something of a step sibling… which, in fact, may well be what you are actually seeking without realising it (from the perspective of a person with some experience in this type of thing, there is a likelihood of becoming the comforter rather than relationship here, by the complaining person’s choice).

To be extra sure, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with specifically looking for an opposite sex friend to help deal with that because it’s only natural for a woman in a difficult spot to need that tangible strength of a male arm, just like a man in a rough spot may need that delicate female touch (sister-like). But know the difference between that and looking for a romantic relationship. Even a person who would be comfortable being the crying shoulder could feel uneasy about the confusion of roles.

I also think that experiencing significant negativity in our lives (which is something I know a good bit about) may perhaps need to be addressed and solved before we try to get on with other things in our lives. It very often comes down to unresolved things from childhood, some difficulty coping with (new) things, some ways of thinking, which are all something that a conversation with a counsellor or good friend or experienced person, or a book, can help with.

Going on about bad things in one’s life from sentence one or two will not attract a member of the opposite sex. It would probably not attract you, either.

(Also, there is nothing shameful in talking to a counsellor, especially with some heavy burdens, in formative periods or when stress is too much or when you suspect you may have signs of depression. Or when you just feel sad all the time.)

Oh, another, slightly unrelated one:

• Don’t impose familiarity on a stranger. When we’re interested in someone, it may feel natural. On the other hand if someone is interested in us and we are only reacting, observing, deciding what to do, we don’t want that interested stranger to begin or sign off as if it were a love letter (hugs and kisses, warm regards, xoxox, one-letter initial of first name etc.). Observe some form, respect personal space. But “do unto others as you would like to be done unto” seems like a good guide. Just imagine somebody accosts you out of the blue, how you would like to be treated by such a person. Then apply it when you write to someone you’re interested in.

 

[Gertabelle]

Hey, Gertie, how nice of you! Thank you! Wish you luck in your endeavours, whether in love or in poker!

The kind where one can seven cards in hand and another three in his sleeve and nobody minds?

Wow, that’s a really hard call. It would depend almost entirely on what prizes are on the table that night and who’s trying to win them. I mean one night two of my friends nearly came to tears trying to win a $5 laundry basket from Walmart. To be fair, one of these women is the single mom of three teenagers – THREE! And when laundry calls, well, all’s fair in love and poker for prizes.

And I might have fought you if you tried to beat me at the party where I won the large wooden rooster now gracing my kitchen… But I digress…

Why am I still awake? :yawn: Maybe because it’s back to school in two weeks and then I won’t be able to pretend to be a night owl.

Gertie

 

[chevalier]

The kind where one can* seven cards in hand and another three in his sleeve and nobody minds?

“Can have,” of course.

 

[Gertabelle]

Slightly pushing the limits of the topic but I’ve got a hint for dating website users:

Don’t start a conversation with a man or woman with complaining.

Oh, another, slightly unrelated one:

• Don’t impose familiarity on a stranger. When we’re interested in someone, it may feel natural.

You make some very good points, and I have both seen this sort of behavior as well as probably been guilty of it myself.

I recently discovered a Catholic singles group that has a four or five activities a month in my area. That’s probably a better option for me as I don’t do as well online as I do in person. Besides not being particularly photogenic, I just have a hard time knowing what to say/not say/how to say things in my profile – and that whole starting up a “conversation” through messages… How many times can I type “I’m really not good at this online thing”?

And honestly, I’m not sure I’m really looking for a romantic relationship so much as just wanting to connect with other singles and seeing whether or not I can actually have a coherent conversation with an adult male. I’m just really comfortable with my life as it is, and I see interacting with other singles as an opportunity to grow with and support my peers. Guess I’d be one of those difficult females if I were to participate in online dating right now.

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and wisdom with us. I’m sure this has been a blessing to many!

St. Raphael, pray for us!

Gertie