Seriously, what's REALLY going on?

[Gertabelle]

You need to be very careful with deciding that God did this or that thing in your life. By definition, a human can’t comprehend God. Our ability to deduce divine intervention is extremely limited. Faith can be misplaced without proper guidance. Wishful thinking is generally more probable. Convenient explanations (e.g. ones that allow us to reduce effort or excuse our shortcomings) are very appealing and may therefore appear rather convincing. One needs some kind of spiritual direction before making such conclusions with anything approaching certainty.

But are you open to the idea that the man is not there, that you may need to find a man?

I have been reading this conversation and enjoying the volley very much. It’s quite thought-provoking really.

Regarding a man versus the man… I personally see it more like this:

I meet someone and a friendship develops followed by courtship. Throughout all I this, I remain in prayer, talking things over with my Dad, as it were. If and when the time comes to consider a marriage proposal, I ask my Father’s permission. So rather than thinking in terms of finding the one, I seek God’s guidance throughout the relationship, especially in the matter of marriage.

There may be a number of good options for a spouse. But as marriage is a means of sanctification for both spouses, as well as their children, I think Our Lord has a very good idea of who would be the best option, among the many (well, “many” when I was in college), to work with my gifts, strengths, weaknesses, etc., to aid in both of us growing in holiness through a marriage.

So personally, I think God really does care about which of our options we choose. Though I’m not convinced that it’s a matter of the one, I absolutely think He knows how every possible combination of souls can work together (or not) for growth in holiness. And I think if we remain in communication with Him – through prayer and the sacraments – He’ll definitely lead two souls to each other.

I mean, "Ask, and it shall be given you: seek, and you shall find: knock, and it shall be opened to you. For every one that asks, receives: and he that seeks, finds: and to him that knocks, it shall be opened. Or what man is there among you, of whom if his son shall ask bread, will he reach him a stone? Or if he shall ask him a fish, will he reach him a serpent? If you then being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children: how much more will your Father who is in heaven, give good things to them that ask him?" (Matthew 7:7-11)

God bless you all.

Gertie

 

[benjammin]

Hey Benjamin! Would you like to meet my sister? I think what we need are more matchmakers! Everyone calls us nosy and obnoxous but i say we have our place. Sometimes God sends an unusual messenger to test our faith. Be open and fear not! (unless your internet dating, in that case fear everyone!)

Are you referring to me JK. This is so true. I definitely need a matchmaker

 

[SeekNFind]

You need to be very careful with deciding that God did this or that thing in your life. By definition, a human can’t comprehend God. Our ability to deduce divine intervention is extremely limited. Faith can be misplaced without proper guidance. Wishful thinking is generally more probable. Convenient explanations (e.g. ones that allow us to reduce effort or excuse our shortcomings) are very appealing and may therefore appear rather convincing. One needs some kind of spiritual direction before making such conclusions with anything approaching certainty.

But are you open to the idea that the man is not there, that you may need to find a man?

I don’t mean to imply that I know for a fact that God has done this, but I do believe God reveals Himself to us more often that we realize and that we have to be attune to His “still small voice.” Without revealing too much on the forum, I feel pretty good that God has been revealing things to me about this area of my life. I guess only time will tell if I was right or was just hearing my own thoughts.

I am totally open to the idea that there are probably a handful of men I could marry and live with. I don’t believe in the notion of a soulmate per se, but I do think that asking God to be involved in the process means that one of these handful of men is the guy. I know many balk at such an idea, but I’ve seen too many Biblical and real-life modern examples of how God got involved in others’ love stories. Again, I’m not at all being passive or expecting God to dangle this man from the sky but I believe as I’m faithfully going along my journey, God can orchestrate this. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it

 

[SeekNFind]

I have been reading this conversation and enjoying the volley very much. It’s quite thought-provoking really.

Regarding a man versus the man… I personally see it more like this:

I meet someone and a friendship develops followed by courtship. Throughout all I this, I remain in prayer, talking things over with my Dad, as it were. If and when the time comes to consider a marriage proposal, I ask my Father’s permission. So rather than thinking in terms of finding the one, I seek God’s guidance throughout the relationship, especially in the matter of marriage.

There may be a number of good options for a spouse. But as marriage is a means of sanctification for both spouses, as well as their children, I think Our Lord has a very good idea of who would be the best option, among the many (well, “many” when I was in college), to work with my gifts, strengths, weaknesses, etc., to aid in both of us growing in holiness through a marriage.

**So personally, I think God really does care about which of our options we choose. **Though I’m not convinced that it’s a matter of the one, I absolutely think He knows how every possible combination of souls can work together (or not) for growth in holiness. And I think if we remain in communication with Him – through prayer and the sacraments – He’ll definitely lead two souls to each other.

I mean, "Ask, and it shall be given you: seek, and you shall find: knock, and it shall be opened to you. For every one that asks, receives: and he that seeks, finds: and to him that knocks, it shall be opened. Or what man is there among you, of whom if his son shall ask bread, will he reach him a stone? Or if he shall ask him a fish, will he reach him a serpent? If you then being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children: how much more will your Father who is in heaven, give good things to them that ask him?" (Matthew 7:7-11)

God bless you all.

Gertie

You explained it beautifully.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

I’ll probably end up marrying a Mormon or something similar. You’re right about the majority (95%) of young Catholic men. If I do meet someone who is actually Catholic, we’ll probably have nothing in common. Or he’ll be on a different continent. Or going in the seminary.

Although not impossible, it is a journey to find a young Catholic man with whom to discern marriage!

It is sad when they say they are Catholic, and you really have to question what *kind * of Catholic they are. Are they a name only Catholic? Or a practicing Catholic who loves the Church?

As for seminary, I have the same issue. There are some young men in my youth group really embody what I am looking for in a future spouse. I must have great tastes, because God and I keep picking the same guys So I pray for them and their vocations. All in God’s timing and His will be done!

God Bless!
Chloe M.

 

[Bataar]

It’s just crazy hard to meet people. I’m a life long Catholic (33 years old) and I haven’t had a Catholic friend since I was a kid. It probably depends on what kind of environment you’re in, but up here in the northwest, there aren’t a lot of Catholic community, well, anything. You go to church and you go home right after. That’s about it. For someone like me, my hobbies/job/etc are pretty much male dominated which makes it very difficult to meet women at all, let alone Catholic women.

 

[SeekNFind]

It’s just crazy hard to meet people. I’m a life long Catholic (33 years old) and** I haven’t had a Catholic friend since I was a kid.** It probably depends on what kind of environment you’re in, but up here in the northwest, there aren’t a lot of Catholic community, well, anything. You go to church and you go home right after. That’s about it. For someone like me, my hobbies/job/etc are pretty much male dominated which makes it very difficult to meet women at all, let alone Catholic women.

In general, it’s hard for me to make new friends and this becomes more challenging as I get older. However, as a new Catholic with no family support, I see how important it is to have a rock-solid Catholic community. Although I’m not feeling called to join, I have met some people at Opus Dei recollections and am starting to socialize with them outside of Mass. Young Adults groups are also a good way to meet other devout Catholics in your age range. I have also seen other groups mentioned like: Catholic Alumni Club, Theology on Tap, Catholic Underground, Frassati, etc. Also regular service activities may help you cross paths with other young Catholics.

 

[chevalier]

I have been reading this conversation and enjoying the volley very much. It’s quite thought-provoking really.

Regarding a man versus the man… I personally see it more like this:

I meet someone and a friendship develops followed by courtship. Throughout all I this, I remain in prayer, talking things over with my Dad, as it were. If and when the time comes to consider a marriage proposal, I ask my Father’s permission. So rather than thinking in terms of finding the one, I seek God’s guidance throughout the relationship, especially in the matter of marriage.

There may be a number of good options for a spouse. But as marriage is a means of sanctification for both spouses, as well as their children, I think Our Lord has a very good idea of who would be the best option, among the many (well, “many” when I was in college), to work with my gifts, strengths, weaknesses, etc., to aid in both of us growing in holiness through a marriage.

So personally, I think God really does care about which of our options we choose. Though I’m not convinced that it’s a matter of the one, I absolutely think He knows how every possible combination of souls can work together (or not) for growth in holiness. And I think if we remain in communication with Him – through prayer and the sacraments – He’ll definitely lead two souls to each other.

I mean, "Ask, and it shall be given you: seek, and you shall find: knock, and it shall be opened to you. For every one that asks, receives: and he that seeks, finds: and to him that knocks, it shall be opened. Or what man is there among you, of whom if his son shall ask bread, will he reach him a stone? Or if he shall ask him a fish, will he reach him a serpent? If you then being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children: how much more will your Father who is in heaven, give good things to them that ask him?" (Matthew 7:7-11)

God bless you all.

Gertie

Gertie, God is omniscient, so He knows whom we will have ended up marrying, who would in fact be or have been the best option, whom else we could marry or could have married, and how exactly each of the combinations would work out or have worked out. There is no such thing that God doesn’t know.

Also, soulmate theory can’t be assailed on the mere grounds that God doesn’t supposedly care enough to matchmake us individually. Every hair on our heads is counted. But the part about being set apart for each other before the world existed was said to Tobias and his wife.

There’s simply not enough grounds to justify the assertion that there is somewhere “the” man or woman, as much as I wish it were true and sometimes pray that it would.

The emphasis is always on choosing responsibly with the use of our natural gifts and grace.

We also both agree that from the blue part a wife or a husband can very much follow, whereas the definite article would be a rather bold hypothesis.

 

[chevalier]

I don’t mean to imply that I know for a fact that God has done this, but I do believe God reveals Himself to us more often that we realize and that we have to be attune to His “still small voice.” Without revealing too much on the forum, I feel pretty good that God has been revealing things to me about this area of my life. I guess only time will tell if I was right or was just hearing my own thoughts.

I am totally open to the idea that there are probably a handful of men I could marry and live with. I don’t believe in the notion of a soulmate per se, but I do think that asking God to be involved in the process means that one of these handful of men is the guy. I know many balk at such an idea, but I’ve seen too many Biblical and real-life modern examples of how God got involved in others’ love stories. Again, I’m not at all being passive or expecting God to dangle this man from the sky but I believe as I’m faithfully going along my journey, God can orchestrate this. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it

No issue with that! Just that it’s hard to justify any sort of assertion that there is one, single man or woman set apart and waiting. While it’s possible that there is.

Although not impossible, it is a journey to find a **young **Catholic man with whom to discern marriage!

It is sad when they say they are Catholic, and you really have to question what *kind * of Catholic they are. Are they a name only Catholic? Or a practicing Catholic who loves the Church?

As for seminary, I have the same issue. There are some young men in my youth group really embody what I am looking for in a future spouse. I must have great tastes, because God and I keep picking the same guys So I pray for them and their vocations. All in God’s timing and His will be done!

Youth is overrrated! A man’s youth fades as much as a woman’s good looks and a good Catholic woman should not be focusing on something so earthly!

 

[Gertabelle]

In general, it’s hard for me to make new friends and this becomes more challenging as I get older. However, as a new Catholic with no family support, I see how important it is to have a rock-solid Catholic community. Although I’m not feeling called to join, I have met some people at Opus Dei recollections and am starting to socialize with them outside of Mass. Young Adults groups are also a good way to meet other devout Catholics in your age range. I have also seen other groups mentioned like: Catholic Alumni Club, Theology on Tap, Catholic Underground, Frassati, etc. Also regular service activities may help you cross paths with other young Catholics.

Something that my friend starting doing was inviting people to her home for poker parties. We call it church lady poker, and it is as fun and silly as it sounds! We didn’t all know each other before the first party, but everytime we saw each other after mass afterwards, we’d stay and chat awhile. And as we stay and chat, we’ve each met other people who either stopped by to chat with us, or whom one of us knew.

Even though the parties are ladies only (both married and single), I’ve met lots of men through these connections – OK, no one single anywhere near my age, but it’s just so, so, so good to have a community to belong to. It makes it possible to not be thinking about me and my marital status all the time, because I have that Catholic social life, others to serve, and others to support me.

And another great way to meet people at your parish – Linger a little bit after mass. Say hello to Father and introduce yourself. Make some small talk with other people and families – the weather, the homily, someone’s beautiful baby or family, etc. Introduce yourself. And look out for opportunities to volunteer – GREAT way to make connections in the parish! Be an usher, join the music ministry (areas that involve groups of people), or join an established group like the Knights of Columbus, the Holy Name Society, the Altar and Rosary group, etc.

I think something that’s really important is getting involved to be of service and to create community, and getting to know people as your brothers and sisters in Christ. Trying to meet some 40-something men who are eligible for sacramental marriage has not been my focus. Whether or not I get married in the future is in God’s hands. But being single doesn’t mean I can’t connect with people in my parish.

Gertie

 

[sw85]

After browsing one of the popular Catholic internet dating websites, I realize there seem to be a lot of good Catholic men out there!!! Actually, this site restored my faith that not all the good men are taken. I have been really impressed by many of the profiles I have read. The men are handsome, educated, well-spoken, some are very open about being virgins or living chaste. Some of these guys are older, though, in their 40s and 50s and never married. Assuming these men are being honest in their profiles and not just saying what they think women want to hear, how is that possible?

I know there are probably an equal number of good Catholic women out there. So WHY aren’t we getting together? We know God wants us to be fruitful, multiply and raise good Catholic children, so why isn’t that happening? Why aren’t people getting together anymore? Even on these dating sites, members seem to be at an impasse and there is no real communication going on: men don’t write women or respond when the women do write; women are afraid to be vulnerable and hope a man will write to them.

What is really going on? Thoughts? Conspiracy theories?

Can’t speak for anyone else, just myself. I may seem like a raging jerk on these forums but I’m a teddy bear in real life. Probably too much of one. Hence, I am still single.

All that said, I’ve never had a problem with communication on Catholic dating sites. I’m generally pretty aggressive. I send out messages freely, usually fairly short to avoid wasting time; longer exchanges can come later if there’s mutual interest and attraction. In my experience women rarely initiate dialogue, which is as it should be. When they do it’s more of an attention grabbing thing, kind of a “hey, look at me, let’s talk!” sort of thing. Like sending ones of those little emoticon things.

I will say in my experience on some different dating sites, women are more aggressive on Catholic sites than on non-Catholic ones. I think that’s due to the gender disparity. More good Catholic women looking for good Catholic men than there are good Catholic men looking for good Catholic women. They *have *to pursue more vigorously. Secular sites by contrast are largely a meat market for horn dogs, so the women (being outnumbered) can afford to stay quiet.

Of course I regard dating sites as deeply suboptimal. I just live in a dumpy, unpleasant area which all the young Catholics have escaped. I’ll never meet my wife here, so online I go.

 

[LSK]

I have been a widow for 25 years. Short answer: no one wanted to marry me.

 

[SeekNFind]

Can’t speak for anyone else, just myself. I may seem like a raging jerk on these forums but I’m a teddy bear in real life. Probably too much of one. Hence, I am still single.

All that said, I’ve never had a problem with communication on Catholic dating sites. I’m generally pretty aggressive. I send out messages freely, usually fairly short to avoid wasting time; longer exchanges can come later if there’s mutual interest and attraction. In my experience women rarely initiate dialogue, which is as it should be. When they do it’s more of an attention grabbing thing, kind of a “hey, look at me, let’s talk!” sort of thing. Like sending ones of those little emoticon things.

I will say in my experience on some different dating sites, **women are more aggressive on Catholic sites than on non-Catholic ones. I think that’s due to the gender disparity. More good Catholic women looking for good Catholic men than there are good Catholic men looking for good Catholic women. They *have ***to pursue more vigorously. Secular sites by contrast are largely a meat market for horn dogs, so the women (being outnumbered) can afford to stay quiet.

Of course I regard dating sites as deeply suboptimal. I just live in a dumpy, unpleasant area which all the young Catholics have escaped. I’ll never meet my wife here, so online I go.

I think it’s good that you take the initiative. I didn’t realize that on Catholic dating sites, women are the aggressive ones. Maybe that allows the men to be a bit more passive. I’ve only sent 2 messages out of interest and 1 message to ask a question about something the guy mentioned on his profile. The first two guys responded and the one I wasn’t interested in didn’t However, I’ve decided not to send messages (at least for now). It just doesn’t feel right to me. It’s probably a risky strategy but after reading a lot of success stories, it seems more often than not that the guy initiated contact. I figure if a guy sees my profile and isn’t interested enough to contact me, then me writing him first isn’t really going to change anything. (Of course, there’s the argument that on an internet site, your profile might get lost in the shuffle.)

I think the Catholic sites are actually quite good compared to the secular sites although it’s not organic. Exchanging messages with someone is kind of awkward and eventually peters out. I can see why some people advocate messaging for a short time before moving on to phone and meeting in person.