Sex before Marriage believers?

[Captain_America]

Taking the Big Picture View, I see the “try her out before marriage” thing AND the “better have sex before you’re married” thing as problem-creating, not problem-solving.

The claim is that if you try her out before marriage, you’ll see if you are “sexually compatible”. ((hmmm, is this a scientifically genuine psychological concept; do real-life psychologists use this concept?))

The assumption is that two people may be “incompatible” and thus unsuited for each other.

The genuine falsehood here is the notion of sexual compatibility. The vast majority of people are heterosexual; the vast majority of people have similar sexual response. It seems antisocial to circulate the notion of “testing her out” because of this.

It’s also a flaky concept since people of weird sexual bent don’t want to find normal persons to have sex with. They find each other and do to each other whatever it is they particularly enjoy doing.

If the notion is that it’s “educational”, that’s just a hoot. Sex is pretty easy to do and to learn. It’s not rocket science.

 

[mikecash]

I understand what you are going through. When I was your age (ten years ago), I thought sex outside of marriage was fine and I nominally considered myself a Christian.

When I decided to consider becoming Catholic, I was totally blown away by what I read in the Catechism, “The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God; and God never ceases to draw man to himself. Only in God will he find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for.” Amen!

Our culture is so obsessed with sex because we look to it for our happiness. People have given up faith in God. We see Heaven as something we hope exists but that surely if it does God will send all people there! Instead of ordering our lives towards God, we seek happiness in materialism and pleasure. We think having sex defines who we are.

I know so many people like you, who thought that it would just be one partner. Then things change. The story is usually the same. One night they were drinking and made a bad decision. They justify it saying, I’ll only do it once. Then, it happens again. It becomes a roller coaster. I promise, ultimately, this lifestyle leads to sadness.

Sex was designed by God to be unitive, when you have no interest in the unitive aspect, you will experience hurt. How classic is the breakup scene where the woman cries her eyes out, hits the guy, etc. Giving yourself to someone causes deep emotions that aren’t designed to be broken. Even if you are totally committed to your boyfriend, if you don’t marry him, the longer you continue being sexually active, the more it will hurt when you do end up parting. Trust me on this, it is from experience.

Last December, I told my fiancée that I could no longer continue living an unchaste lifestyle. I got down on my knees and asked God to forgive me and prayed that I could make an act of perfect contrition. I burst into tears that night, and I cannot wait to go to confession as RCIA goes along.

Going from a sexually active relationship to being chaste was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It rocked my relationship with my fiancée to the point that I wasn’t sure we’d make it. But, the thing is, we did, and it made us stronger. It helped us settle deep wounds in our relationship. When we are united in matrimony, both my fiancée and I will be in a state of grace! We will have been chase for a year and a half.

I think sometimes we look at God’s commandments as a set of rules to get us to heaven. So, then we reject them saying the Church is wrong. True, our most important goal is to make Heaven. But, we shouldn’t forget that God gave us these rules for our own good and happiness.

I invite you to consider being counter cultural. To say, I’ll give God’s way a try. It is hard. But, I promise it’s the most liberating feeling you can imagine. It’s where you can find true happiness, living in God’s Kingdom on Earth.

As a starting point, check out the recent Catholic Answers radio program, “Living with Same-Sex Attraction” with Daniel Mattson. His attitude towards human sexuality is inspiring.

God Bless.

Mike

 

[skrlife]

My opinion is that sex within marriage is so much more fulfilling and loving. It’s special. I have made a promise to God that I will wait until my honeymoon to lose my virginity. And I am glad I have. Sex was designed to bring married couples closer, not to feed unmarried couples’ lust. The Bible specifically speaks against fornication. To name a few: Matthew 15:19, Mark 7:21, Revelation 21:8, 1 Corinthians 7:2, Colossians 3:5. Not to mention that the Bible tells us that our body is a temple. And sex before marriage is going against that.

Remain chaste, and God will bless you. God knows how hard it is for us to contain ourselves; He made us. But God would never ask us not to fornicate and wait until marriage if He knew we couldn’t control our hormones.

 

[billcu1]

My opinion is that sex within marriage is so much more fulfilling and loving. It’s special. I have made a promise to God that I will wait until my honeymoon to lose my virginity. And I am glad I have. Sex was designed to bring married couples closer, not to feed unmarried couples’ lust. The Bible specifically speaks against fornication. To name a few: Matthew 15:19, Mark 7:21, Revelation 21:8, 1 Corinthians 7:2, Colossians 3:5. Not to mention that the Bible tells us that our body is a temple. And sex before marriage is going against that.

Remain chaste, and God will bless you. God knows how hard it is for us to contain ourselves; He made us. But God would never ask us not to fornicate and wait until marriage if He knew we couldn’t control our hormones.

I really admire your faith in God.

 

[Snuffyspaw]

I argue that the reason that a couple shouldn’t have sex before marriage is because sex tends to get in the way of developing a deep, committed relationship. Once the sexual part of a relationship starts, it tends to become the focus of the relationship. The other parts of the relationship, such as getting to really to know your future spouse or developing a joint prayer life, take a back seat. I’ve always thought that a couple should pray together just before sex to ask for God’s blessing on their union. If the prayer feels really awkward, then you shouldn’t be engaging in sex. Christopher West once told me that a sexual union IS a prayer. Do you want to be in God’s presence with someone other than your spouse?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I argue that the reason that a couple shouldn’t have sex before marriage is because sex tends to get in the way of developing a deep, committed relationship. Once the sexual part of a relationship starts, it tends to become the focus of the relationship. The other parts of the relationship, such as getting to really to know your future spouse or developing a joint prayer life, take a back seat. I’ve always thought that a couple should pray together just before sex to ask for God’s blessing on their union. If the prayer feels really awkward, then you shouldn’t be engaging in sex. Christopher West once told me that a sexual union IS a prayer. Do you want to be in God’s presence with someone other than your spouse?

If that’s what sex does to a relationship then I wouldn’t recommend becoming sexually active after marriage either…

 

[on_the_hill]

If that’s what sex does to a relationship then I wouldn’t recommend becoming sexually active after marriage either…

Ya know, I kind of agree.
There are comments about sex taking on too much importance, but it seems to me it’s coming from both directions.

 

[EasterJoy]

I had a friend who got pregnant the first time she had sex with her boyfriend. She got an abortion. They stayed together awhile, but didn’t marry.

If you’re not married, you’re not ready to be a parent. If you’re not ready to be parents together, you’re not prepared to have sex together. Ergo, if you’re not married, you’re not ready for sex.

The OP asked “what happens if you don’t know what it’s like sexually with someone and get married and you don’t enjoy it with them”? The chances are, dear one, if someone makes your heart beat faster and you make his heart beat faster and you both commit give to each other selflessly, you’re going to work out a good sex life with each other.

Besides, if you use the “test drive” method, what if you enjoy him the first time, but not a month later? What if you like it six months later, but not a year later? What if you enjoy it a year later, but by the time seven years go by, you don’t “enjoy” him much any more? What if he doesn’t “enjoy” you much any more? Does he get to divorce you when he tires of you? When you get stretched out or gain weight after childbirth? When he gains weight because he’s working two jobs to make ends meet and doesn’t get to the gym like he used to? And what if, dear friend, the man who was your “perfect lover” before marriage decides not to marry you? What, pray tell, are you going to do with that?

When sex is a mutual gift that reflects and consummates a total gift that makes a single life instead of two people looking for someone to help them satisfy themselves, that is a recipe for a life of “compatibility”. Yes, I’m suggesting that you find someone to share your whole life with, and decide that you’re going to do the giving necessary to have a good sex life, from Day One to Year Fifty, for as long as you’re married. This method is the moral law because it is the least likely to crush someone’s soul with grief and regret, less likely to crush yours, less likely to crush his, and less likely to crush your child’s. Think about that.

 

[EasterJoy]

I argue that the reason that a couple shouldn’t have sex before marriage is because sex tends to get in the way of developing a deep, committed relationship. Once the sexual part of a relationship starts, it tends to become the focus of the relationship. The other parts of the relationship, such as getting to really to know your future spouse or developing a joint prayer life, take a back seat. I’ve always thought that a couple should pray together just before sex to ask for God’s blessing on their union. If the prayer feels really awkward, then you shouldn’t be engaging in sex. Christopher West once told me that a sexual union IS a prayer. Do you want to be in God’s presence with someone other than your spouse?

I think sex can get in the way of discerning that a lifelong and mutually giving relationship is not in the cards.

 

[57thDimension]

Saving sex before marriage saves you a lot of headache. No risk of STDs

Unless the other person waits, too, there’s still a risk of STDs (and various other medical consequences).

+Sebastian

 

[oneofmany]

Unless the other person waits, too, there’s still a risk of STDs (and various other medical consequences).

+Sebastian

This is why we should date for awhile and get to know the person. Make sure they are truthful about their past and IF they have a disease they would tell you.

My hubby worked for some OB/GYNs and they saw many women that had scarred fallopian tubes which prevented them from getting pregnant. Being cured of a venereal disease doesn’t mean it’s all over since they do leave scars. Plus genital warts which are not curable and recur many times. Also, AIDS which is life threatening. Many diseases out there from sexual sins. Following the Ten Commandants is for our own good, not just rules to keep us from enjoying things.

 

[57thDimension]

and IF they have a disease they would tell you.

Not quite. If they know they have a disease they might tell you. That’s the key. In a large number of viral STD infections, people are not aware that they have one (despite being tested). Beyond that, some STDs cannot actually be tested for. Honesty is not a fail-safe STD test.

Many diseases out there from sexual sins.

They are widespread due only to sexual sin.

+Sebastian

 

[Phil_Marinus]

This Thread is worthy of a million responses… much depends on the circumstance …
and there is a million of them… I think a lot depends on the age, and situation…
In a word I say yes it’s a good idea… but it’s all in the eye of the beholder…

 

[on_the_hill]

They are widespread due only to sexual sin.

+Sebastian

Speaking of which, way back when my wife and I first got married I was having problems with prostatitis. Eventually a urologist got involved, and he said that maybe my wife and I were passing trichomaniasis back and forth. Then he left for a vacation.

Talk about a good bedside manner. Tell the newlyweds that they’re passing an STD back and forth.

I never went back to that dope.

 

[kozlosap]

“If you’re not married, you’re not ready to be a parent. If you’re not ready to be parents together, you’re not prepared to have sex together. Ergo, if you’re not married, you’re not ready for sex.”

I find this to be an over simplification. I found myself single and pregnant at age 30. I owned my own house, had a MA and a wonderful job. My daughter attended Catholic schools and universities through law school and is a well adjusted loving and Catholic woman. Do you think a married set of 18 year olds with no means of support would have been better parents and able to provide emotional as well as financial support? Every situation is different and over generalizations make arguments such as yours inane.

 

[EasterJoy]

“If you’re not married, you’re not ready to be a parent. If you’re not ready to be parents together, you’re not prepared to have sex together. Ergo, if you’re not married, you’re not ready for sex.”

I find this to be an over simplification. I found myself single and pregnant at age 30. I owned my own house, had a MA and a wonderful job. My daughter attended Catholic schools and universities through law school and is a well adjusted loving and Catholic woman. Do you think a married set of 18 year olds with no means of support would have been better parents and able to provide emotional as well as financial support? Every situation is different and over generalizations make arguments such as yours inane.

Who said that two 18 year olds with no means of supporting either themselves or a family are ready for marriage? I don’t think I wrote that. I’m quite sure I did not.

No, it is not an oversimplification, nor is it “inane”. Heaven help the parent who has to parent alone, although many have to do it through no fault of their own, and I hope you didn’t choose that for yourself or your daughter. I hope you didn’t decide on your own that her father was someone you could dispense with, that your MA and your house and your wonderful job could replace her dad in her life. I can’t imagine my boys being brought up thinking they don’t need their dad. Children need, want, and where possible have a right to be raised in the same house with both of their parents, parents who love each other and have one life together. I hope you are not implying that this is some kind of a frivolous luxury that being “well-adjusted” could possibly prove a child has no need of. Human resilience does not mean that what was taken away was never needed in the first place.

BTW, why did you choose to write that you “found yourself” single and pregnant? Bravo to you (and I mean that!) for choosing to take on all the duties of parenthood when your child’s father wasn’t there to support you and your daughter, but why did you choose to put it that way? Surely you did not gain the age of 30 and a professional degree without knowing that this was a reasonably likely consequence of sex outside of marriage.

Your daughter was not a foundling. You did not wake up pregnant as one wakes up having grown or lost hair or height. Pregnancy requires someone to have made a choice; it does not just happen. Even Our Lord was conceived only after Our Lady made her brave fiat. Either you decided to become pregnant or someone else criminally made that decision for you, but it did not happen by no one’s decision.

Still, it happens very often to women that support implied outside of marriage is not forthcoming when pregnancy comes about. The people who raise children alone are heroes, no matter how they find themselves with that task. We ought not imply that it is “inane” to not wish that on anyone or to tell them it is simply another choice of how to raise a child, though. It just isn’t. You deserved the help of a husband and she deserved a father. Bravo to you for all you did for her, but please do not imply that the resilience you and your daughter showed proves that marriage is merely an option someone looking to become a parent might consider.

 

[kozlosap]

Easter Joy - I was being quite a bit sarcastic when I wrote my earlier post this morning, I apologize.

Is it preferable to have a 2 parent household - Absolutely! The minute I told the “father” of my daughter that even though he wanted me to end the pregnancy, I would not, I never saw or heard from him again until my daughter met him at age 22. I chose not to sue him for child support because I did not want someone in her life who had wanted her dead. When she met him 7 years ago she announced to my Sister and Brother in Law and I (the 3 adults who all raised her) that I was right in not pursuing money because then he would have also had visitation rights. She was quite happy to meet her half sister and brother and I am happy for those relationships. I told her to invite him to her CA Bar swearing in ceremony along with her siblings, and she did. It turns out that he left their mother when the youngest was 18 months old. Quite a track record.

It is sad, but in some cases marriage is not the end all/be all when raising a child. Those who are marred by staying with physical or emotional abusers for the sake of their children are grossly mistaken. Having taught high school for over 30 years I can spot a young woman who thinks its just fine to be hit by a boy because she was acting in the wrong manner. Chances are that her mother was also a victim.

I realize I was very lucky to have been a self supporting adult when my birth control failed (remember the sponge?). Having a child when not married in 1984 was the scariest thing I ever encountered, but turned out to be the most precious. I certainly cannot imagine my life without my child. My current prayer is that her endometriosis stays under control until she finds the perfect spouse, marries and is able to have a baby or two before the hysterectomy is necessary. Hope this explains a little better what I meant the first time around

 

[Phil_Marinus]

Speaking of which, way back when my wife and I first got married I was having problems with prostatitis. Eventually a urologist got involved, and he said that maybe my wife and I were passing trichomaniasis back and forth. Then he left for a vacation.

Talk about a good bedside manner. Tell the newlyweds that they’re passing an STD back and forth.

I never went back to that dope.

hahaha … serious… but funny

 

[EasterJoy]

Easter Joy - I was being quite a bit sarcastic when I wrote my earlier post this morning, I apologize.

Is it preferable to have a 2 parent household - Absolutely! The minute I told the “father” of my daughter that even though he wanted me to end the pregnancy, I would not, I never saw or heard from him again until my daughter met him at age 22. I chose not to sue him for child support because I did not want someone in her life who had wanted her dead. When she met him 7 years ago she announced to my Sister and Brother in Law and I (the 3 adults who all raised her) that I was right in not pursuing money because then he would have also had visitation rights. She was quite happy to meet her half sister and brother and I am happy for those relationships. I told her to invite him to her CA Bar swearing in ceremony along with her siblings, and she did. It turns out that he left their mother when the youngest was 18 months old. Quite a track record.

It is sad, but in some cases marriage is not the end all/be all when raising a child. Those who are marred by staying with physical or emotional abusers for the sake of their children are grossly mistaken. Having taught high school for over 30 years I can spot a young woman who thinks its just fine to be hit by a boy because she was acting in the wrong manner. Chances are that her mother was also a victim.

I realize I was very lucky to have been a self supporting adult when my birth control failed (remember the sponge?). Having a child when not married in 1984 was the scariest thing I ever encountered, but turned out to be the most precious. I certainly cannot imagine my life without my child. My current prayer is that her endometriosis stays under control until she finds the perfect spouse, marries and is able to have a baby or two before the hysterectomy is necessary. Hope this explains a little better what I meant the first time around

You’re a hero in my book. Every one of us has made decisions that aren’t exactly the stuff of saints, but not every one of us has chosen sanctity when dealing with the consequences of our decisions, either the good decisions or the bad ones. You weren’t married to your daughter’s father, but you were faithful to your daughter all the way. I would warn anyone against seeking the cards you were dealt, but you played a very difficult hand brilliantly!

This brings up a point: Even sex within marriage leads to consequences that any of us might have to face alone. Remember Horton Hatches The Egg…“I meant what I said and I said what I meant, an elephant faithful 100%?” That was one great elephant. You never know when your hand-picked spouse is going to wind up being a Mayzie, even if you do wait…but your chances of getting a worthy fellow parent are better than if you don’t wait.

 

[oneofmany]

It really shocks me that people are so blase about sex now with AIDS still not cured.

I told my hubby he had to go get tested for AIDS before we got married. His ex-wife cheated on him. I trusted he was faithful but had no trust in her and didn’t know what she had brought home to him. He was clean thankfully but I wanted to be sure. I can’t believe how many people are not concerned for their health.