A
AM_2012
Guest
I really need some help advice, just someone to listen… just anything
I have been married for 9.5 years and have 2 children, 7 and 5.
Overall my marriage has been good in that H and I have a lot in common, same beliefs, interests, morals etc, however our love life is **** and has been most of the marriage. I would attribute most of this to me. I never treated H with the respect he deserved because I always felt that he never put me first (his job has always been #1) and therefore I just brushed our sex and love life aside. I would say the last 6 years has been completely loveless. I have hated every minute of it, but didn’t know how to change it. As the years passed he because more involved in work and I resented him. We were on a downward spiral. About a year an half ago, I asked H to see a therapist, but he said no, we didn’t needed it. What needed to happen was I needed to fix myself and not until I did that could things change.
About 5 mths ago, he finally decided that he would go on a marriage weekend retreat with me. A friend of mine went and said it was very helpful. 1 week before the retreat he decided that he had enough and moved out saying the marriage is over and we can never ever make it work. Said the dreaded words, I love you, but not in love with you. It crushed me. I was a complete mess, feeling totally shocked that he would just give up so quickly when we have been together for 16 years.
We still went on the retreat, however the timing couldn’t have been worse. I cried the entire weekend and instead of actively participating in the sessions, I was too busy crying and begging him to come home which was the worst thing I could have done.
After the weekend we continued to speak to the therapist who ran the retreat and she informed us that it would take a miracle to save this marriage and that there was nothing left because the lack of love/sex for so many years. I didn’t feel the therapist had the right to say that to us and so I stopped the sessions with her.
About 2 mths ago H came to me and said that he didn’t think it was fair to just run away from the marriage and that he had to put a real effort in. He continued to live away, but agreed to see a new therapist and started coming over every day mostly to see the children, but was really showing an effort.
During this time, I came across Michele’s book and read it a couple of days.
After reading the book, I started to implement some of the things and noticed a change. When H came over he seemed excited to see me, even hugged me a couple of times which is a huge accomplishment from where we were.
Last week, I was so frustrated that instead of accepting these baby steps H and I got into a huge fight because I felt that I wasn’t seeing enough improvement. I wanted him living back home. After our fight, he decided to move back to the spare room, but since he’s been back he is miserable and I am so angry with myself for 1. Telling him he was not putting in enough effort 2. Making him move back in. I feel all that hard work has gone down the drain. He is no longer excited to see me, haven’t received a hug yet, not even on Christmas… I am at a total loss and so sad.
He keeps telling me how sad he is that we are in this situation and is still willing to try, but is very very doubtful that things can change because he can’t imagine being intimate - its been so long. He said he has a lot of soul searching to do and needs to decide if staying in the marriage is the right thing just being content, or just end it and move on where he can find the love that he has needed for so long that he wasn’t getting from me.
I don’t think he wants the marriage to end because of the sadness he will feel being apart from the kids, but cannot imagine things getting any better EVER. I am not sure if he is really done with the marriage part of me thinks he really is done and is only trying to say hes tried
Recently I came across retrouvaille and thought why not, we have nothing to lose. I very badly want to save this marriage. We go on Jan 18. I feel like this is my last hope as I don’t know where else to turn.
have read many reviews about retrouvaille, but only one of them focused on saving a sexless,loveless marriage. Does anyone have any stories about how retruovaille can fix this? Can it? Is this really over?
I have been married for 9.5 years and have 2 children, 7 and 5.
Overall my marriage has been good in that H and I have a lot in common, same beliefs, interests, morals etc, however our love life is **** and has been most of the marriage. I would attribute most of this to me. I never treated H with the respect he deserved because I always felt that he never put me first (his job has always been #1) and therefore I just brushed our sex and love life aside. I would say the last 6 years has been completely loveless. I have hated every minute of it, but didn’t know how to change it. As the years passed he because more involved in work and I resented him. We were on a downward spiral. About a year an half ago, I asked H to see a therapist, but he said no, we didn’t needed it. What needed to happen was I needed to fix myself and not until I did that could things change.
About 5 mths ago, he finally decided that he would go on a marriage weekend retreat with me. A friend of mine went and said it was very helpful. 1 week before the retreat he decided that he had enough and moved out saying the marriage is over and we can never ever make it work. Said the dreaded words, I love you, but not in love with you. It crushed me. I was a complete mess, feeling totally shocked that he would just give up so quickly when we have been together for 16 years.
We still went on the retreat, however the timing couldn’t have been worse. I cried the entire weekend and instead of actively participating in the sessions, I was too busy crying and begging him to come home which was the worst thing I could have done.
After the weekend we continued to speak to the therapist who ran the retreat and she informed us that it would take a miracle to save this marriage and that there was nothing left because the lack of love/sex for so many years. I didn’t feel the therapist had the right to say that to us and so I stopped the sessions with her.
About 2 mths ago H came to me and said that he didn’t think it was fair to just run away from the marriage and that he had to put a real effort in. He continued to live away, but agreed to see a new therapist and started coming over every day mostly to see the children, but was really showing an effort.
During this time, I came across Michele’s book and read it a couple of days.
After reading the book, I started to implement some of the things and noticed a change. When H came over he seemed excited to see me, even hugged me a couple of times which is a huge accomplishment from where we were.
Last week, I was so frustrated that instead of accepting these baby steps H and I got into a huge fight because I felt that I wasn’t seeing enough improvement. I wanted him living back home. After our fight, he decided to move back to the spare room, but since he’s been back he is miserable and I am so angry with myself for 1. Telling him he was not putting in enough effort 2. Making him move back in. I feel all that hard work has gone down the drain. He is no longer excited to see me, haven’t received a hug yet, not even on Christmas… I am at a total loss and so sad.
He keeps telling me how sad he is that we are in this situation and is still willing to try, but is very very doubtful that things can change because he can’t imagine being intimate - its been so long. He said he has a lot of soul searching to do and needs to decide if staying in the marriage is the right thing just being content, or just end it and move on where he can find the love that he has needed for so long that he wasn’t getting from me.
I don’t think he wants the marriage to end because of the sadness he will feel being apart from the kids, but cannot imagine things getting any better EVER. I am not sure if he is really done with the marriage part of me thinks he really is done and is only trying to say hes tried
Recently I came across retrouvaille and thought why not, we have nothing to lose. I very badly want to save this marriage. We go on Jan 18. I feel like this is my last hope as I don’t know where else to turn.
have read many reviews about retrouvaille, but only one of them focused on saving a sexless,loveless marriage. Does anyone have any stories about how retruovaille can fix this? Can it? Is this really over?
