Sexless marriage validity

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I don’t think it’s a medical issue. He’s never had a strong interest in sex. I’m trying to be really cautious about how I handle this, because I don’t want him to feel less manly or like he’s not good enough. I know our situation isn’t easy for him either.
 
Unless you can read minds don’t believe just everything he says especially since it sounds too good to be true. If he wasn’t sexual at all you wouldn’t even have had the conversation.
Plus you said he is attracted to other girls. You should confront him and ask him exactly what he means and if you two talked about marriage then ask him how does he envision this? You’re selling yourself short here. If you love him provoke him to fibd out what he means by that.
 
Intimacy in marriage is not a sentiment, it’s very important. The marriage vows clearly show this. You would not have a marriage. No priest is going to go ahead with the mandatory marriage prep in light of this.
This person does not define you. There are so many things that you are overlooking for the simple fear of being alone.
Why would you not trust God to bring someone into your life that has the same feelings and concern for you? Desires children? A man that does not want to have intimacy also does not want children.
This relationship sounds very one-sided. Why has he not been frank with you and encouraged you to find someone else to spend your life with? Sounds selfish on both sides of the table. Putting each other first n a marriage is far different than co-dependency. I will say a prayer for you to come to terms with this rejection.
 
I think you’re right about me needing to ask more questions. I tried to avoid questions because I didn’t want him feeling invalidated, guilty, or like I didn’t believe him.
 
Maria2 said:
Let me start off saying my boyfriend and I love each other very much. He’s an atheist, but he’s always respected my religious practices. A few months ago, my boyfriend stopped being sexually attracted to me, not because he’s no longer attracted to women, it’s just me. At the time, he must not have realized the implications because when I confronted him about my suspicions, he seemed easygoing about it while I inwardly panicked. However, that changed a couple of nights ago when I alerted him to what this meant for our Church marriage and having children. I’ve come up with a few solutions here, but need advice.
  1. We get married in the Church and use an unnatural–but abortion free (no in vitro)–method to conceive. Would the Church call this marriage valid? I know he doesn’t want to adopt, but would be willing to if that’s the only way.
  2. We get married in the Church and adopt.
  3. We only get a state marriage and adopt. Would the Church be okay with us cohabiting? The reason behind her rules against it is to prevent sexual temptation, but that’s not a possibility here. Would it be wrong to get a state marriage with someone I can’t marry in the Church, due to the invalidity of our marriage?
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(1) The marriage would be valid but the child bearing method is at best a very moral gray area especially if you don’t need that type of assistance. And the only licit way to obtain the material would involve having sex anyway. Donor materials or asking him to masturbate would be immoral.

(2) This is fine.

(3) This would not be a valid marriage and cohabiting can give rise to scandal.

But do you really want to be married to a man who is not attracted to you personally but is attracted to other women? That’s a recipe for disaster, and this does not seem a healthy long-term relationship. He’s not necessarily done anything wrong, but that doesn’t mean you two are compatible for marriage and it may be best to break it off.
 
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I’m sorry dear one.

You are making it far too easy for him to think of you as an old shoe.
YOU are doing all the worrying, all the recognition of his feelings, all the what if’s.

I pray that what you find out is not crushing, but given your blind affection for him, that will likely happen soon. If you were my daughter, I would have a serious sit down with you, and that convo would start with “Wake upl”!
What do your parents say about this?
He IS attracted to other women? Well, then, I think you have your answer.
I didn’t see it until others point it out.
As I tend to say, no bueno.
 
Maria2 said:
…Would the Church be okay with us cohabiting? The reason behind her rules against it is to prevent sexual temptation, but that’s not a possibility here. Would it be wrong to get a state marriage with someone I can’t marry in the Church, due to the invalidity of our marriage?
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No, living as husband and wife (even without sexual activity) while not married with Church approval is not acceptable.

Infertility does not invalidate a marriage, however, antecedent and perpetual impotence to have intercourse does (general or specific). Also without the intention to grant conjugal relations to each other, a valid marriage cannot occur.

CIC (Latin Canon Law)
Can. 1061 §1. A valid marriage between the baptized is called ratum tantum if it has not been consummated; it is called ratum et consummatum if the spouses have performed between themselves in a human fashion a conjugal act which is suitable in itself for the procreation of offspring, to which marriage is ordered by its nature and by which the spouses become one flesh.

Can. 1084 §1. Antecedent and perpetual impotence to have intercourse, whether on the part of the man or the woman, whether absolute or relative, nullifies marriage by its very nature.
§2. If the impediment of impotence is doubtful, whether by a doubt about the law or a doubt about a fact, a marriage must not be impeded nor, while the doubt remains, declared null.
§3. Sterility neither prohibits nor nullifies marriage, without prejudice to the prescript of ⇒ can. 1098.

Can. 1098 A person contracts invalidly who enters into a marriage deceived by malice, perpetrated to obtain consent, concerning some quality of the other partner which by its very nature can gravely disturb the partnership of conjugal life.

Can. 1095 The following are incapable of contracting marriage:
1/ those who lack the sufficient use of reason;
2/ those who suffer from a grave defect of discretion of judgment concerning the essential matrimonial rights and duties mutually to be handed over and accepted;
3/ those who are not able to assume the essential obligations of marriage for causes of a psychic nature.

Can. 1134 From a valid marriage there arises between the spouses a bond which by its nature is perpetual and exclusive. Moreover, a special sacrament strengthens and, as it were, consecrates the spouses in a Christian marriage for the duties and dignity of their state.

Can. 1135 Each spouse has an equal duty and right to those things which belong to the partnership of conjugal life.
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I’m not clear on whether you are living together. If so, the first step is to move out. This will give you both a chance to clear your heads. Right now, you are living as brother and sister, and that is perhaps why his interest in you has diminished.

Secondly, you will need to communicate a lot better. Put everything out on the table. The truth will come out sooner or later, so before marriage is better. If he feels guilty, allow him to work through those feelings of guilt. Don’t worry too much about his feelings, but concentrate a bit more on your feelings.

I think you’ve enjoyed a comfortable feeling with this fellow. You may need to go through some discomfort for a while to see where things are at.
 
It could also just a temporary inertia for you two. If things get sorted out you may just be closer to one another than before. But imagining things by yourself can’t help it into happening.
 
A Josephite marriage is perfectly valid, if both parties are baptized it would also be Sacramental. There are conditions on such a marriage, these would be part of your marriage preparation with your Pastor. One of the conditions is that should you decide that you wish to have a marital sexual relationship, he would comply.

On the other hand, it is not common for young people to want to enter such a marriage.

This is very personal, do not answer it here in public, but, consider it. Are you providing financial or other material support for him that he would lose if you broke up? Make sure that he is not trying to keep you on the hook for financial reasons.
 
Lou2U said:
to be with someone requires attraction
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I have asexual friends and this is not the case.

It is completely valid for the OP to chose to marry a man who doesn’t find her sexually attractive. It is up to the OP and her partner to decide whether they truly wish to enter this arrangement, but it seems as they do, and I wish them the best. Let us not forget that the perfect marriage was between Joseph and Mary, a heterosexual man who entered a sexless marriage with a perpetual virgin. There is so much more to marriage than sex, and asexual couples, or couples such as the OP, have the ability to live in happy marriages, despite the challenges.
 
The Church does not require couples to have children, but rather to be open to life during sex. So as long as you do not use birth control within your marital sexuality, you can check off that box. Of course, if you chose to adopt, that would be wonderful! 🙂 Creating children through in vitro fertilization or using artificial insemination are forbidden by the Church, but embryo adoption is an option you could consider. As I understand it, civil marriage outside the Church is always considered wrong for Catholic, although there is no prohibition against chaste cohabitation, provided you do what you can to avoid scandal, or the impression you are sexually active.
 
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Maria2 said:
I don’t think it’s a medical issue. He’s never had a strong interest in sex. I’m trying to be really cautious about how I handle this, because I don’t want him to feel less manly or like he’s not good enough. I know our situation isn’t easy for him either.
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If you don’t mind me asking, does your boyfriend identify anywhere on the asexual spectrum?
 
Maria2 said:
A few months ago, my boyfriend stopped being sexually attracted to me, not because he’s no longer attracted to women, it’s just me.
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Perhaps this mysterious event warrants further exploration?
 
But asexuality doesn’t seem to be the case here. The OP’s boyfriend is attracted to other women and used to be attracted to her - as Rau says, he should look into why that is.
 
That statement “A Catholic MUST include sexual relations always open to life as a major part of it” is NOT exactly true. I’m aware of a Catholic couple in New York (both in their mid 20’s) who in the 1990’s got married by none other than the New York Cardinal, because other Catholic priests refused to marry them. The priests refused because the marriage would NOT be consummated as the man had full blown AIDS. The Cardinal agreed to marry them IF the woman AGREED to profess a vow of celibacy until her husband to be died. She agreed to this and the Cardinal married them.
 
Maria2 said:
It’s not that he’s not willing to touch me, he just doesn’t want to be sexually intimate. Affection and sex are two different things.

He would never cheat on me. I know he’d rather be honest and breakup than cheat. And all relationships run the risk of a breakup.

I mentioned he’s an atheist to give a possible reason for his misunderstanding of the situation and to demonstrate how much he loves and respects me despite our differences.
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The unmarried should avoid prolonged contact or anything that would bring on strong physical reactions, to either person, and tempt them into sinful behavior. Being romantic can mean intense physical affection which is not permitted between unmarried people: a serious sin. It is important to remember that in a Catholic marriage the spouses try to help each other grow in holiness, and even before marriage, when considering marriage. Also it is a serious matter to give scandal (lead other into sin by example or temptation) to each other and others.
 
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