Sexual History & Marriage

[manualman]

Is YOUR realtionship chaste? For how long? Really chaste, or just technically?

If you two have been in a truely chaste relationship for over a year, then I’d say you’ve both demonstrated true conversion, not just the power of infatuation. But if you guys are sexually active (even if you haven’t had sex by the Clinton definition), you just can’t know where she’s at. Sorry.

If it has been less time than that, don’t overlook infatuation. When my wife and I were dating, she asked me after about 8 months if I ever got mad! We still chuckle about that sometimes now. (The answer is emphatically YES!)

If you are convinced you are both sufficiently healed of your wounds, you need to discuss kids and NFP before a formal proposal. Nothing scares a lukewarm catholic out of the bushes faster than the prospect of a married life with no birth control!

 

[misericordie]

Benedictus:

The part that would concern me is that she is still friends with some of these people. That raises some red flags in my mind.

Nor should she be forthcoming. She was not your wife and didn’t to anything wrong to you.

Maybe this question/answer on askfather.net would be helpful.

I agree. I would also BREAK the relationship with her. There are plenty of self-respecting women out there who are serious about their Catholic faith. She may have a sexual addiction she does not want but may be there=i would be very weiry.

 

[Lilyofthevalley]

Maybe the reason she isn’t forthcoming is because it’s none of your business and doesn’t like being interrogated.​

With diseases such as AIDS , herpes, hep b and c she SHOULD be forthcoming.

 

[Beaver]

Catechistben,

Man is to protect his seed. Planting our seed in unfertile ground is not recommended, unless you make prior arrangements for your offspring. You are not to take the children for granted in this arrangement as if they were nothing. You are responsible to God for what happens to the seed you plant. Do not enter this venture without securing the future of your seed.

 

[Fitz]

Many young adult people confuse sex with love. I fear that you may walk away from her to find that most you meet have some past to deal with. So, I agree with the poster that recommended the precana type of format to talk to her about this. I think she is very worth saving if she loves only you and will give up any previous friendships. That type of friendship would not be healthy.

If your friend is truely turning over a new leaf, then you can be a help to her. Mind you, you must follow the guidelines for being a Catholic gentleman yourself.

 

[roymckenzie]

TarAshly:

OH MY GOODNESS! are men really still that neanderthalistic?! you are not the one to forgive her and if she is asking YOUR forgiveness for something in her past before you then shes mistaken her past is hers and Gods not yours! and as far as her being friends with her partners thats a good thing, sex was not casual for her, she cared for them but loves you, MARRY her and get over it, if you cant then you dont fully love her, however if you think youve found the one youd be crazy to let her go over something in her past, love who she is now, who she was doesnt matter. and shes probably not forthcoming because shes humiliated, ask yourself what you did to make her feel like she cant be open with you, dont judge her or make her feel ashamed thats not love.

So let me get this right, if she were a murderer you should just let it go due to it being in the past. If you were a pedophile she should just let it go it is in the past. It is God’s place through the priest to forgive or not forgive. It is our place to make prudential judgments on who we want to be the parents or our children.

Marriage is for life if you don’t feel you can trust your future spouse either take more time or move on. Your children are too important to not have a mother and father for life.

 

[catechistben]

Thanks again to all my fellow Catholics for your feedback. I appreciate the comments from both those who are sympathetic this issue and those who may be critical of my perspective. All responses are helpful in weighing, what I consider to be, a difficult and important issue.

Again, I am aware that it is not my right, responsibility, or position to forgive her. As many of you have pointed out though, it would be foolish to make a life long commitment to someone that may not be able to remain faithful to that commitment. It is not about judging her, holding this over her head, or browbeating her in any way whatsoever. I love her dearly and would not ever want to do anything to hurt her, or any less of a wonderful woman that I know her to be. That is precisely why I am seeking some Catholic/Christian feedback here.

This is a very sensitive issue for both of us. She is clearly ashamed of many of the things she has done and is hesitant to communicate clearly with me about it for fear of what I might think, do, or say. At the same time, we both must know where we both stand as it relates to any important issue in our lives before we can truly say we are ready to commit them to one another. If it was totally clear to me that these actions were totally in her past then this would not be an issue. My biggest concern is that promiscuity is something she has always struggled with (and never quite got away from), and that it could potentially rear its ugly head after she is my wife and possibly the mother of my children as well. I have also had premarital sex though, but it was many years ago when I was much younger. I am not perfect and am admittedly flawed in many ways (she must weigh my flaws as well). Since those mistakes many years ago I have tried to live a chaste life in order to prepare myself as best I could for the woman that God has planned for my wife. I don’t expect her to be perfect, just in a place spiritually and emotionally that she is truly ready for the life long commitment of marriage. That is no more than I would expect of myself.

I guess another way of putting it is that actions speak louder than words. Someone’s actions speak to what their heart truly believes moreso than the words they speak. Therefore if my potential wife claims that she agrees with the Church on the issue of premarital sex and recognizes the importance of lving a chaste life prior to marriage, but has still been very promiscuous right up to the point of meeting her future husband then I would question what and who she really is. The actions and the words would clearly contradict each other in that case. I think that could probably be said for any “moral” shortcoming a person may have trouble with.

The bottom line is that we are headed in the direction of determining these things about, not just her, but each other. We are attempting to do this in a thoughtful, sensitive, godly manner. It has already been a difficult issue to begin delving into. I think we will either make it or we won’t when the covnersations are over.

We are both continuing to pray in earnest about this and all the other issues that must be considered when determining whether another person is suitable, and part of God’s plan, as our future spouse. Thanks again for your thoughts, help, and prayers.

CB