E
e3342
Guest
I think it would be easier on you if you did not do an in-house separation. Tell him to get an apartment elsewhere. Your head will be much clearer if you don’t see him everyday.
- Status
G
gretahope
Guest
Beyond the feelings of what you want/need to do…an urgent matter regarding your health —even though it’s painful to think about—is what many have advised here: please get yourself to (can be free) checked by an GYN…it’s a big part of learning to take care of yourself. It’s important.
M
Melchior_1
Guest
THIS.
Also, I may have missed something here…but does his behavior pre-date your marriage?
I
Irish_Girl_68
Guest
I truly don’t mean this in an offensive way, but I’ve followed your posts regarding your husband’s behavior. I felt compelled to comment. In light of his actions, your husband telling you he loves you and needs you sexually reminds me of something a high school guy would tell a girl he wants to bed. It sounds like he’s buttering you up only
to get what he wants. But, that’s just my opinion. Married or no, I would never sleep with any man who chronically disrespected me.
I don’t know if any of your posts addresed the ages/gender of your children. I would highly caution you to watch how you and your spouse behave in front of your kids. They will take cues from both of you. If nothing else, you want to be a good model for your children so they won’t have to go through this themselves later.
Good luck and God Bless.
C
Corinne3
Guest
Hi! Yes, after him sleeping on the couch now for a month, I have come to the conclusion it IS easier on me and our kids NOT having an “in-house” separation. It just made things worse. I HAD to have it that way a month ago, and you all know why. Just the way I feel emotionally knowing my husband is sleeping on the couch, causes me stress, and also I think our kids knowing their dad is sleeping on the couch, causes them stress, and indicates “mom and dad are having serious issues”. This is horrible. Poor kids…
I have previously asked him to move out, and he is refusing. Oh well. It’s all on me now. To do what I must.
You are right I will be much happier, once I am out of the house every day and working again, which I will be soon, Lord willing. He sure is putting me through trials here!
While I am job hunting vigorously, I make every effort to be out of the house, going to Mass, on interviews, exercising, walking, etc. It really is clearing my head a lot. Exactly as you say e3342. Thanks.
D
dulcissima
Guest
So good to hear. Best wishes for your future.You are right I will be much happier, once I am out of the house every day and working again, which I will be soon, Lord willing. He sure is putting me through trials here!
E
Ellen_Catherine
Guest
I’ve read this whole thread and I’ve read the link posted on the Exegetical Commentary on Canon 1151-1155. So where does it leave me in my situation? My husband has not committed adultery according to those definitions. But he certainly has rejected the oneness of marriage and my role as his spouse.
My husband is a life-long gender-confused cross dresser who, when under stress, wears my clothes and masturbates with his female fantasy self when I am at work because he believes that “inside” he is “really a girl.” He is a 50 year old, very tall, big man, who talks, acts, and thinks like a MAN. I have been hiding my lingerie and makeup for years, once it became clear that this was going to be an ongoing issue. He went to counseling for a short time a number of years ago, it did no good. And he told me, because he can no longer find my underwear or makeup, that this last time (May) he went into our daughter’s room while she was at work! Fortunately our other children are boys. And none of our kids knows about any of this.
He doesn’t see any of this as a violation of any kind, or a rejection of me as his wife or my role as spouse. He cares nothing for the feelings of others or the effect of his words/actions on others. It’s all about poor him, his insecurities, the unfairness of ______ (fill in the blank), he can’t help himself, God won’t take the female desires away – therefore he refuses any kind of relationship with God except for the expected attendance at Mass each Sunday. He descends into his addiction for about a week about every 3 months, and it changes his whole personality – he becomes irritable, argumentative, and withdrawn. Our conjugal life grinds to a halt, which then inspires him to tell me what he’s done again, go to Confession and come home expecting sex since God’s forgiven him now I should too. Decades of indulging, going to confession (can we have sex now?), indulging, going to confession (can we have sex now?)… At least WHILE he’s indulging he doesn’t receive our Lord in the Eucharist, but he does so on every other Sunday, and serves as EME now and then, too.
I have forgiven him time after time after time, year after year because I believed that was my obligation under Canon law precisely because it’s not “real adultery.” It’s an addiction, a sickness (which he blames on God). I just need more patience and fortitude, more prayer, kindness, and good example. All my current priest ever says is “You’re doing a good job as a wife and mother. Just keep praying for patience.” My daughter called me a “doormat” the other day.
The feelings of rejection, violation, disrespect, and worthlessness (except for sex of course – he always needs me for sex) are simply overwhelming sometimes. And fear – that the our daughter and the boys will find out, that someone in our community will find out. We live in small town/rural mid-America. There is nowhere else to go, no one to talk to who doesn’t know both of us. I am even half afraid to post here. I gather from Canon law that this is a cross I will simply have to endure. The man who refuses counseling cannot be helped.
Well, it’s all certainly brought me closer to Christ, and that is always a good thing regardless of how it happens.
My husband is a life-long gender-confused cross dresser who, when under stress, wears my clothes and masturbates with his female fantasy self when I am at work because he believes that “inside” he is “really a girl.” He is a 50 year old, very tall, big man, who talks, acts, and thinks like a MAN. I have been hiding my lingerie and makeup for years, once it became clear that this was going to be an ongoing issue. He went to counseling for a short time a number of years ago, it did no good. And he told me, because he can no longer find my underwear or makeup, that this last time (May) he went into our daughter’s room while she was at work! Fortunately our other children are boys. And none of our kids knows about any of this.
He doesn’t see any of this as a violation of any kind, or a rejection of me as his wife or my role as spouse. He cares nothing for the feelings of others or the effect of his words/actions on others. It’s all about poor him, his insecurities, the unfairness of ______ (fill in the blank), he can’t help himself, God won’t take the female desires away – therefore he refuses any kind of relationship with God except for the expected attendance at Mass each Sunday. He descends into his addiction for about a week about every 3 months, and it changes his whole personality – he becomes irritable, argumentative, and withdrawn. Our conjugal life grinds to a halt, which then inspires him to tell me what he’s done again, go to Confession and come home expecting sex since God’s forgiven him now I should too. Decades of indulging, going to confession (can we have sex now?), indulging, going to confession (can we have sex now?)… At least WHILE he’s indulging he doesn’t receive our Lord in the Eucharist, but he does so on every other Sunday, and serves as EME now and then, too.
I have forgiven him time after time after time, year after year because I believed that was my obligation under Canon law precisely because it’s not “real adultery.” It’s an addiction, a sickness (which he blames on God). I just need more patience and fortitude, more prayer, kindness, and good example. All my current priest ever says is “You’re doing a good job as a wife and mother. Just keep praying for patience.” My daughter called me a “doormat” the other day.
The feelings of rejection, violation, disrespect, and worthlessness (except for sex of course – he always needs me for sex) are simply overwhelming sometimes. And fear – that the our daughter and the boys will find out, that someone in our community will find out. We live in small town/rural mid-America. There is nowhere else to go, no one to talk to who doesn’t know both of us. I am even half afraid to post here. I gather from Canon law that this is a cross I will simply have to endure. The man who refuses counseling cannot be helped.
Well, it’s all certainly brought me closer to Christ, and that is always a good thing regardless of how it happens.
C
Corinne3
Guest
I’ve read this whole thread and I’ve read the link posted on the Exegetical Commentary on Canon 1151-1155. \
Dearest Ellen Catherine:
I say divorce the man, this sick man, asap. GET OUT from under this. And for ME to even utter the D word, knowing all I have endured too, is pretty severe. YOU do not need to subject yourself to this mistreatment, nor do I. Your h is not married to you in his heart, nor is mine. They both long for some other type of life. So let them have it then.
I would say adios to him, God knows your dilemma, as he does mine. Do not feel guilty about it either. My hubby told me just last nite, which broke my heart, “I HATE BEING A PARENT”…
My question is though, and it is probably yours too, should we divorce them? or wait until they divorce us? I think we have every grounds to divorce them, but some pastors say with until they leave. But this brings in how much can we endure? We do not have to, I say, when our husbands are being such unfaithful jerks. Yes, your h is a major jerk as is mine. Let them have their kicks I say.
I am sorry you are going thru this trial. I will pray for u. Please pray for me too. I have had a major trauma just tonight.
God Loves You~
PS: Do you have a job and a means to support yourself?
J
jmcrae
Guest
I think if anybody has just cause for an annulment, it would be you.I’ve read this whole thread and I’ve read the link posted on the Exegetical Commentary on Canon 1151-1155. So where does it leave me in my situation? My husband has not committed adultery according to those definitions. But he certainly has rejected the oneness of marriage and my role as his spouse.
My husband is a life-long gender-confused cross dresser who, when under stress, wears my clothes and masturbates with his female fantasy self when I am at work because he believes that “inside” he is “really a girl.” He is a 50 year old, very tall, big man, who talks, acts, and thinks like a MAN. I have been hiding my lingerie and makeup for years, once it became clear that this was going to be an ongoing issue. He went to counseling for a short time a number of years ago, it did no good. And he told me, because he can no longer find my underwear or makeup, that this last time (May) he went into our daughter’s room while she was at work! Fortunately our other children are boys. And none of our kids knows about any of this.
He doesn’t see any of this as a violation of any kind, or a rejection of me as his wife or my role as spouse. He cares nothing for the feelings of others or the effect of his words/actions on others. It’s all about poor him, his insecurities, the unfairness of ______ (fill in the blank), he can’t help himself, God won’t take the female desires away – therefore he refuses any kind of relationship with God except for the expected attendance at Mass each Sunday. He descends into his addiction for about a week about every 3 months, and it changes his whole personality – he becomes irritable, argumentative, and withdrawn. Our conjugal life grinds to a halt, which then inspires him to tell me what he’s done again, go to Confession and come home expecting sex since God’s forgiven him now I should too. Decades of indulging, going to confession (can we have sex now?), indulging, going to confession (can we have sex now?)… At least WHILE he’s indulging he doesn’t receive our Lord in the Eucharist, but he does so on every other Sunday, and serves as EME now and then, too.
I have forgiven him time after time after time, year after year because I believed that was my obligation under Canon law precisely because it’s not “real adultery.” It’s an addiction, a sickness (which he blames on God). I just need more patience and fortitude, more prayer, kindness, and good example. All my current priest ever says is “You’re doing a good job as a wife and mother. Just keep praying for patience.” My daughter called me a “doormat” the other day.
The feelings of rejection, violation, disrespect, and worthlessness (except for sex of course – he always needs me for sex) are simply overwhelming sometimes. And fear – that the our daughter and the boys will find out, that someone in our community will find out. We live in small town/rural mid-America. There is nowhere else to go, no one to talk to who doesn’t know both of us. I am even half afraid to post here. I gather from Canon law that this is a cross I will simply have to endure. The man who refuses counseling cannot be helped.
Well, it’s all certainly brought me closer to Christ, and that is always a good thing regardless of how it happens.
I would “out” this turkey with no fear of what the neighbors think (they’ll be on your side, I should think), divorce him, mention to the Tribunal that, after the wedding, he started stealing your underwear, which was when you first realized that he married you so that he could “borrow” your clothes, and not because he intended to be married to you, or even understood what that term means.
After the couple days or so that the Tribunal paperwork would take to complete (seriously - they aren’t going to think even for a second that a Christian marriage was ever possible, here), I’d move on with my life.
Unless you want to put up with this for the rest of your life, of course. It’s always up to you.
I
Irishmom2
Guest
" My hubby told me just last nite, which broke my heart, “I HATE BEING A PARENT”…"
And there perhaps, is your husband at his most truthful. The other stuff he says to get back and/ or remain with you (considering what he does to wrong both you and your family) is not to be trusted. He has shown that every time he leaves your house and goes out…
“My question is though, and it is probably yours too, should we divorce them? or wait until they divorce us?”
It all depends on how much pain you can stand…At some point it is up to you to decide if YOU will change your life for the better for you and your family. Even if that means you being the one to get the divorce. Why wait for it to be on his schedule? It may never be on his list as he can have it both ways if he stays with you.
I believe elsewhere on this site I have read over and over that although it is not the ideal, Catholics are allowed to get divorced. They just are not free to marry without an annulment. You sound like someone that has tried everything and waited a very long time for him to change. If change never is going to come, how long will you stay? Long enough for it to affect your family more than it already has?
I also don’t believe the in-house separation is a real separation. You are still in the same house. He sleeps in a different room. Not that big of a change. Not a real trial of what it would be like for real.
May God bless you and guide you and all others struggling with the same kind of issues.
And there perhaps, is your husband at his most truthful. The other stuff he says to get back and/ or remain with you (considering what he does to wrong both you and your family) is not to be trusted. He has shown that every time he leaves your house and goes out…
“My question is though, and it is probably yours too, should we divorce them? or wait until they divorce us?”
It all depends on how much pain you can stand…At some point it is up to you to decide if YOU will change your life for the better for you and your family. Even if that means you being the one to get the divorce. Why wait for it to be on his schedule? It may never be on his list as he can have it both ways if he stays with you.
I believe elsewhere on this site I have read over and over that although it is not the ideal, Catholics are allowed to get divorced. They just are not free to marry without an annulment. You sound like someone that has tried everything and waited a very long time for him to change. If change never is going to come, how long will you stay? Long enough for it to affect your family more than it already has?
I also don’t believe the in-house separation is a real separation. You are still in the same house. He sleeps in a different room. Not that big of a change. Not a real trial of what it would be like for real.
May God bless you and guide you and all others struggling with the same kind of issues.
C
Corinne3
Guest
" My hubby told me just last nite, which broke my heart, “I HATE BEING A PARENT”…"
And there perhaps, is your husband at his most truthful. The other stuff he says to get back and/ or remain with you (considering what he does to wrong both you and your family) is not to be trusted. He has shown that every time he leaves your house and goes out…
It all depends on how much pain you can stand…At some point it is up to you to decide if YOU will change your life for the better for you and your family. Even if that means you being the one to get the divorce. Why wait for it to be on his schedule? It may never be on his list as he can have it both ways if he stays with you.
You sound like someone that has tried everything and waited a very long time for him to change. If change never is going to come, how long will you stay? Long enough for it to affect your family more than it already has?
I do not know Irishmom. I do not know. You are right what you said above. My h essentially hates being married, being responsible for kids, etc. being a responsible parent,(yes, much stress it is in the teen years)-- and hates being tied to one woman, ME. Sad really. Now of course as he says, this is largely due to the fact that he is most unhappy, unemployed for over 2 years, and feels himself to be a failure, that he cannot provide for his family like he should. I do understand this. But only to a point, as I am not a man. I wonder is this reason enough for him to act so cruelly? Go visit strip clubs? speak so terrible at times to me? saying FU and calling ME a B? He completely loses it, like he did last nite, when our son was gone after dark, and we knew not his whereabouts. He just took off on his bike around 8---- It was soooo stressful. I of course criticized my h for not disciplining or setting out boundaries for our son, grounding him when he doesn’t mind, then he takes it as me attacking him, which probably it was, but I couldn’t help it…He has never disciplined…ever. And kids do not mind their mom, when the dad does nothing!
Anyway such is my life right now. Need to go on a nice long walk now and deep breathe.
Thank you friend(s) for your compassion, and concern. Oh the trials of this life are never-ending. Only God is eternal. This fills my heart with such peace. Yes, the peace which surpasses all understanding. Why can’t I always feel it at every moment? It’s so hard. I wish I could always have the Holy Spirit in me every second of every day. Please pray for me, that I will be a good mom.
You all are a blessing to me. Never forget YOU are doing something to help another, even thru this crazy internet world.
C
Corinne3
Guest
Irishmom:
Oh if things were that easy. How I’d love to meet a nice Catholic man, divorce my h, and remind him what he said, how he “hates being a parent”…and here, this nice devout Catholic man adores me, cherishes me, loves our kids, and loves being a dad, loves providing for us, etc. This would be my dream, of what I would want.
Only God knows my future, just like he does everyones here.
Oh if things were that easy. How I’d love to meet a nice Catholic man, divorce my h, and remind him what he said, how he “hates being a parent”…and here, this nice devout Catholic man adores me, cherishes me, loves our kids, and loves being a dad, loves providing for us, etc. This would be my dream, of what I would want.
Only God knows my future, just like he does everyones here.
E
Ellen_Catherine
Guest
We had an annulment. A few years into the marriage we split because of this issue and I got an annulment based on his lack of disclosure before the wedding. Then several years later I was so stupid as to believe him when he claimed it was all gone and behind him – and I think he even believed it, too, at the time – and somehow he even convinced the priest/Church because we were remarried IN THE CHURCH in the same diocese! That was 20 years ago. So I don’t think they’re going to give me another annulment. Because the second time, I knew it was there; I thought it was an addiction/sickness that had been overcome.
Yes, I work (someone asked that), 30 hrs/wk, no benefits. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. It’s like this is his alcohol (he doesn’t drink or smoke, BTW). When he is not stealing my clothes and indulging in his fantasies, he is a wonderful person. When he is being “the other woman,” he is a terrible husband and father (verbally and emotionally abusive). I am afraid to “out” him because of the kids (3 teens), one still in middle school – young enough to fall under visitation laws (and yes, these guys get visitation rights, and he would take them). Right now, the kids know nothing except that dad has attitude problems now and then. And they have no respect for him.
Just writing this down is an amazing relief. Except for talking with the various priest where we’ve lived over the years, it has been a secret for so long. It is just hard trying to not give too much detail because I am so afraid someone will know me.
I really want my marriage to work. He’s not like this all the time. I want him to break this addiction and form a relationship with God that meets his needs instead of turning to a fantasy world when he can’t take the stress of _______ (usually work/money issues). But if it’s something that will never change, then how do I get out of it a second time when I knew it going in?
I’m very confused.
C
Corinne3
Guest
Oh I do hear you friend, and your cries for help.
I know you want your marriage to work and last just as I do mine. I also hear the D word should not even be an option. As I feel most strongly and you do as well. Ok then. Try to make it work then. If your cross-dresser hubby wants to leave you,let him. Just like if my porn thrilled, strip club going hubby wants to leave me for some whore, let him. They are the ones who need to make the move I really do feel in my heart.
Gosh, your situation is so very hard indeed.
I cannot and would not ever tell you what to do or not do. As many here, being divorcees themselves are so free to say.
My only advice is to say pray. Seek the Lord, in adoration, in the Rosary in maybe a woman’s group in your parish. You and I both need help, from others, but most of all we need to hear from God.
You will be in my prayers. Keep me in yours too.
And you can PM me if you want.
Love,
Corinne
Do not forget the Scripture: “when I am weak, I am strong”. II Cor. 12:10: "******
"Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and constraints, for the sake of Christ, for when I am weak, then I am strong."
I know you want your marriage to work and last just as I do mine. I also hear the D word should not even be an option. As I feel most strongly and you do as well. Ok then. Try to make it work then. If your cross-dresser hubby wants to leave you,let him. Just like if my porn thrilled, strip club going hubby wants to leave me for some whore, let him. They are the ones who need to make the move I really do feel in my heart.
Gosh, your situation is so very hard indeed.
I cannot and would not ever tell you what to do or not do. As many here, being divorcees themselves are so free to say.
My only advice is to say pray. Seek the Lord, in adoration, in the Rosary in maybe a woman’s group in your parish. You and I both need help, from others, but most of all we need to hear from God.
You will be in my prayers. Keep me in yours too.
And you can PM me if you want.
Love,
Corinne
Do not forget the Scripture: “when I am weak, I am strong”. II Cor. 12:10: "******
"Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and constraints, for the sake of Christ, for when I am weak, then I am strong."
S
Shin
Guest
You have my prayers for your success! Whatever God guides you to do… may you follow His path and heal the damage in your family!
P
Ponyguy
Guest
The c-r-a-p that you women are undergoing makes my current “rough time” seem trivial…
All of you have my sincere prayers…
(Where were you girls when I was a lot younger, anyway? http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v313/ponyguy/thinking.gif ) Not born yet…:nope:
(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)
All of you have my sincere prayers…
(Where were you girls when I was a lot younger, anyway? http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v313/ponyguy/thinking.gif ) Not born yet…:nope:
(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)
J
jmcrae
Guest
You are in my prayers, sweetheart. I don’t know what to say, other than, get the counsel of a good priest, and see what he has to say. There is always at least one priest on the Tribunal - is there any way you can speak with him, privately and off the record? He might know of a way out of your dilemma.
A
Ailina
Guest
Oh dear Corinne! You have had advice from your Christian counselors and priest regarding this issue. Listen to them.
Personally, I think you are putting your health at risk if you are having sex with your husband at this point. He has broken your trust already; why would you believe that he hasn’t had sex with the lap dancer? Some STDs cannot be detected in men, such as HPV which can cause cervical cancer.
Listen to your counselors and priest and quit reposting the drama here. Start detaching yourself and getting healthy. I’m starting to get cranky because the same questions keep getting reposted in new threads. This is my last bit of advice.
G
gretahope
Guest
PLEASE get yourself tested. So many of us have asked if you have gone to a GYN and there’s been no response…or maybe you have, I can’t remember…but just taking this step will mean that you’re doing something proactive, and you will for sure feel better for it. It will also put your feet on the ground, by doing something that’s simple common sense…although painful to face. If you don’t you could be putting your future life/health at serious risk. Have you asked him about his health in this regard?
C
Corinne3
Guest
Thanks gals for your concern, but as I mentioned previously, I do not feel in my gut that my h had intercourse with this lap dancer. OK? I may be wrong, but I trust my intuition. And this is what it is telling me. Usually my intuition is pretty accurate. It has been for 50 years of life.!
I have not had a pap for 3-4 years. Or a mammogram. I guess I should. I will make an appt this week. I know I need to care for myself, just have had so incredibly much to deal with over the past 2 years, doing this, well, I just did not have the energy to face. I will though. Thank you for the reminder.
You all are so awesome! Thank you so much for writing.
Love,
Corinne:thumbsup:
P.S. A sidenote: I remember 2 years ago when I did meet with a Priest from my church, telling him about my finding out h was going for lap dances at a nude strip club. Know what he said:? essentially, “that’s all”? and how he’s had MUCH worse marital issues from couples…WOW!
I have not had a pap for 3-4 years. Or a mammogram. I guess I should. I will make an appt this week. I know I need to care for myself, just have had so incredibly much to deal with over the past 2 years, doing this, well, I just did not have the energy to face. I will though. Thank you for the reminder.
You all are so awesome! Thank you so much for writing.
Love,
Corinne:thumbsup:
P.S. A sidenote: I remember 2 years ago when I did meet with a Priest from my church, telling him about my finding out h was going for lap dances at a nude strip club. Know what he said:? essentially, “that’s all”? and how he’s had MUCH worse marital issues from couples…WOW!
- Status