should I believe my husband? (sensitive post)

[noclevername]

I am really confused about something.

Pinkyyy talking about her hubby’s salsa friends.

See, my husband joined a group that teaches salsa and he was in a show with this group. Well, they also started going out at nights to the salsa clubs that are open on the weekend and that’s where that started.

As for the other night, he and his friends were dancing at a salsa club and he says they asked him to go to the strip club

Pinkyyy’s response to someone saying her hubby needs a new set of friends.

As for the friends, you are right. I said to him last night, I couldn’t trust you with those one set of friends the first time and now these friends I thought were decent have done the same thing. Who can I trust you to spend time with?

Pinkyy’s reply to Kager defending her hubby’s friends.

Hi. I actually have gone before and that’s why I’ve always been okay with it. I knew those people and I’ve gone. it’s just not my thing really, especially out late when I have a child at home to take care of. You know? Thanks

OK, I am completely confused. Aren’t the salsa “friends” the ones who talked him into going to the strip club?

And another note, in a previous post, you said your husband was just going to “drop his friends off at the strip club”. If he was just going to drop them off, why did he shut the engine off and lock the doors? (which lead to his locking the keys in the car). I hate to sound distrusting but there are a lot of holes in his story. It sounds like he was in the strip club the whole night and he didn’t realize his keys were locked in the car until it was time go to home when the place closed down. Who knows if his friends were really there to begin with.

My point is that there are a TON of holes in his story. I think the more ya’ll talk about this, the more he will have a problem keeping his lies straight.

I recommend you go get counseling ASAP!

 

[whatevergirl]

I can see where it sounds the other way though, lol. I think he’s having a hard time letting go of the fun times when he was a little younger. I have said to him it’s time to grow up. Thanks again for writing.

Yeah, plus he is Catholic, and the spiritual leader of the household…keep telling him that. That is not mothering him, but some men, need a little push. I think that once he embraces that, his ‘old’ life will look trite and stupid. Going out to the wee hours of the night, to nude clubs, etc…isn’t becoming of a single Catholic man either…let alone a husband. It’s a good thing he married you, tell him–you are saving his soul.

 

[Pinkyyy]

"OK, I am completely confused. Aren’t the salsa “friends” the ones who talked him into going to the strip club?

And another note, in a previous post, you said your husband was just going to “drop his friends off at the strip club”. If he was just going to drop them off, why did he shut the engine off and lock the doors? (which lead to his locking the keys in the car). I hate to sound distrusting but there are a lot of holes in his story. It sounds like he was in the strip club the whole night and he didn’t realize his keys were locked in the car until it was time go to home when the place closed down. Who knows if his friends were really there to begin with.

My point is that there are a TON of holes in his story. I think the more ya’ll talk about this, the more he will have a problem keeping his lies straight.

I recommend you go get counseling ASAP!
"

Yes, some of the guys that are salsa friends were the ones who talked him into taking them to the strip club. He did tell me he would take me to the salsa bar where he could prove he was there that night. As for why he shut off the engine was because aparently you can’t drink in the bars of that city after a certain time and they had a beer in the parking lot and he did show me a few beers that they did not drink (each had one so 2 were left) that were in the car. don’t know if that really proves it though

I trusted those friends before, but not now.

 

[whatevergirl]

"OK, I am completely confused. Aren’t the salsa “friends” the ones who talked him into going to the strip club?

And another note, in a previous post, you said your husband was just going to “drop his friends off at the strip club”. If he was just going to drop them off, why did he shut the engine off and lock the doors? (which lead to his locking the keys in the car). I hate to sound distrusting but there are a lot of holes in his story. It sounds like he was in the strip club the whole night and he didn’t realize his keys were locked in the car until it was time go to home when the place closed down. Who knows if his friends were really there to begin with.

My point is that there are a TON of holes in his story. I think the more ya’ll talk about this, the more he will have a problem keeping his lies straight.

I recommend you go get counseling ASAP!
"

Yes, some of the guys that are salsa friends were the ones who talked him into taking them to the strip club. He did tell me he would take me to the salsa bar where he could prove he was there that night. As for why he shut off the engine was because aparently you can’t drink in the bars of that city after a certain time and they had a beer in the parking lot.

I trusted those friends before, but not now.

Trouble is, there shouldn’t even be a ‘story.’ lol My dh goes out from time to time with a friend from work for a beer, or his brother to watch a hockey game, etc…there are no tall tales though, when the night is over. I trust him, he trusts me…and life goes on. The fact is that your husband spinning a tale, is not necessary if he is doing nothing wrong. Going out with friends is very healthy in a marriage…it’s healthy for spouses to have friends, and to have some fun time out with friends…but fun should never lead one to do something that would compromise their values or marriage.

 

[joandarc2008]

Wow, ouch, bang, er, um, outch.

Yes, my husband would have walked home. They went to one strip club at the bachelor party because the best man had left his wallet there the night before - hey, we can’t control our friends.

I will say this the human side of me would be outraged. Now lets talk about the vocation of marriage. I remember when taking the FOCUS test one of the questions was whether or not we could forgive our spouse if he/she cheated. The answer the test writers are looking for is that we can forgive. Here is the reason why as explained by our deacon: (mind you perfectionism is an ideal and not easily obtained, anger is a natural human emotion)

-A bride must love a groom like the Church loves Christ
-A groom must love a bride like Christ loves the Church

Well, Christ loved the Church so much that he was tortured and died for their sins and his last words “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.”

If Jesus can forgive us for torturing and killing him for OUR sins and we our supposed to love on another within the vocation of marriage as much as he loved us than yes there must be a whole lot of forgiveness IF someone is willing to change their behavior.

Now, on the flip side, I don’t know if you have children but one thing the same deacon usually asks couples who are at the brink is," Is this the type of marriage you would want your children to get themselves into." Behaviors repeat themselves across generations.

Good luck and God bless,

 

[jwashu]

My take… before we start accusing people and judging people before we know all the facts lets don’t suggestion someone’s marriage is in trouble.

Is going to a nude bar acceptable… technically no but a lot of people do it and don’t cheat on their wives and a lot of wives who are secure that their husband won’t cheat and loves them, don’t care.

While I would not go, I have in the past many years ago with some business associates and my wife didn’t care one bit. She knew exactly where I hung my hat. We were liberal Presbyterians then though and didn’t believe a lot of things were “morally” wrong. I’m talking though from a relationship standpoint. It may not be you at all. He still must deal with whatever is going on but don’t blame yourself.

Now that being said, I do believe you guys need to have a very long talk. Is your husband Catholic too? Then perhaps you guys should talk to your Priest about why he shouldn’t go.

If there are indeed real issues that come out then by all means please seek some counseling.

Often men get caught in a lie because they feel they can’t be honest. Just like teenage kids. From a man’s standpoint, many feel they can’t be honest, not for the real reason but for the imagined ones.

 

[Lerin]

Is going to a nude bar acceptable… technically no but a lot of people do it and don’t cheat on their wives and a lot of wives who are secure that their husband won’t cheat and loves them, don’t care.

This is a Catholic forum, not a forum for spiritual relativists.

Jesus tells us that a man who looks at a woman with lust in his heart has commited adultery.

I find it hard to believe that a man goes to an all-nude strip club and looks at a naked woman is doing anything but lusting after her.

It is a slap in the face to a faithful, Catholic wife. Pinky has every right to feel betrayed.

I am so glad my husband doesn’t rely on technicalities.

 

[baylee]

Originally Posted by jwashu forums.catholic-questions.org/images/buttons_cad/viewpost.gif
Is going to a nude bar acceptable… technically no but a lot of people do it and don’t cheat on their wives and a lot of wives who are secure that their husband won’t cheat and loves them, don’t care.

*This is a Catholic forum, not a forum for spiritual relativists.

Jesus tells us that a man who looks at a woman with lust in his heart has commited adultery.

I find it hard to believe that a man goes to an all-nude strip club and looks at a naked woman is doing anything but lusting after her.*

I see both points in your posts.

Yes, it is wrong to go to a nude bar and yes, it is lustful…but does the fact that he went to the nude bar mean that he will cheat on his wife with another woman (ie. have an affair)? Could the same thing be said for porn? Yes, it’s wrong, but does it necessarily mean that the man will have an affair?

 

[Leonius]

My take… before we start accusing people and judging people before we know all the facts lets don’t suggestion someone’s marriage is in trouble.

Is going to a nude bar acceptable… technically no but a lot of people do it and don’t cheat on their wives and a lot of wives who are secure that their husband won’t cheat and loves them, don’t care.

God cares, that kind of thing is a mortal sin, leave your moral relativism behind, grow a back bone and fight against the anti-christian secular standards of the world, don’t embrace them.

“But I say to you, that whosoever shall look on a woman to lust after her, hath already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28

Is that clear enough?

 

[JCnMe]

…none of the “suppositions” changes what he DID do- He lied to his wife-He disrespected her- on more than one occasion AND he forces her into a “mother” role in the marriage by being irresponsible and expecting her to rise to the occasion(literally and drive) when he calls…he demeans her by calling her names -deliberately destroying her self esteem so she feels inadequate or to blame in some way… and then has excuses that just don’t hold water…(((Pinkyyy)))-bless your heart for wanting to hold this together-hopefully your husband will step up and be the man you want him to be…but deal with reality-don’t rationaize bad behavior- it is NOT your job to save his soul-Jesus already did that for him-it’s HIS job not to lose it… and his family in the process

((((((Pinkyyy))))-I hope you can get him to counseling -someone with a more clinical eye that isn’t fooled by the smoke and mirrors and will speak plainly to both of you…this will eventually take a toll on you and your child if it continues-keep in mind that you may know the difference between what a loving home life is and what you’re living- but your child doesn’t…plan your course on what you want for your child if you can’t do it for yourself…(((hugs)))) God Bless

 

[Pinkyyy]

Well right now I don’t know what to do. He thinks this situation is over - it is not. I am still mad. He gets mad if I bring it up. he thinks everything is okay because he says he didn’t go inside. Even if he didn’t, he was still wrong in even being there and not telling me he was there. I said to him because he’s going for reconcilliation for lent, are we going to go talk to the priest and he said “for what?”. You know for what!!

If he wants to go dancing again, I don’t know what I’ll do. After the first time I was so paranoid he was lying to me, I used to make the short drive over to the strip club to make sure his car wasn’t there cause I hate lies. I can’t do that this time (or want too). I don’t think I could take him anymore going dancing an hour away at the middle of the night. He better learn to grow up and stay home with his family because I just can’t take it anymore.

 

[JCnMe]

(((((Pinkyyy)))))… one way you can take care of yourself in all of this is to keep a journal so you can write it down and let it go after each circumstance…he obviously isn’t taking it seriously any longer…don’t leave the journal laying around-it’s privateand you don’t want him to destroy it- but it will give you a chance to release some of the emotions you are carrying around-and at a later time if necessary-reading the instances all together will give you the strength to make tough decisions…if you continue to be mad- I can tell you what the excuse will be next time…“you are accusing him of it-so he might as well go…”…which puts it back on you…just understand that it is not (((you)))- and it is not the"friends" male or female-HE makes the decisions-and He is responsible for the outcome and what he is doing to his family…last resort-you might just print all these responses out and give them to him to read…the next words out of his mouth will tell you what he is made of- either he will have a heartfelt apology for everything and will work on making your life together better whatever it takes- or he will get angry at all of us and you too for bringing it up here… and will go out again to show you he can do what he wants- when he wants…one is a man who loves his family- the other is a self centered child in an adult body…I pray you are dealing with the man and not the child…((((((hugs)))))))) God Bless

 

[joandarc2008]

Well right now I don’t know what to do. He thinks this situation is over - it is not. I am still mad. He gets mad if I bring it up. he thinks everything is okay because he says he didn’t go inside. Even if he didn’t, he was still wrong in even being there and not telling me he was there. I said to him because he’s going for reconcilliation for lent, are we going to go talk to the priest and he said “for what?”. You know for what!!

It sound like your dh has an ego problem:

Easing
God
Oout

Try this it is sure to match even the strongest of male egos: Dear, you May be right and I want to fix this problem that I am having with my lack of trust for you. Why don’t we go talk to the Priest so that I may fix my issue and be a better wife.

Granted you may feel like you are eating crow but even in the worst situations we all play a “small” part. This may at least get you in the front dear of some kind of counseling which would involve you and him sitting with a priest in the same room. In my opinion manipulation has a lot to do with intent and you are not exactly lying because in the long run if you are going to stary married to this man than you will have to learn how to trust him.

Praying for your family and that your dh be blessed with the Holy Spirit,

God Bless,

 

[monicatholic]

Yes, it is wrong to go to a nude bar and yes, it is lustful…but does the fact that he went to the nude bar mean that he will cheat on his wife with another woman (ie. have an affair)? Could the same thing be said for porn? Yes, it’s wrong, but does it necessarily mean that the man will have an affair?

now here’s a no brainer. Jesus said the adultery already happened in the man’s heart. these behaviors are always contrary to chastity, always contrary to the marriage vows and always damaging.

before we start accusing people and judging people before we know all the facts lets don’t suggestion someone’s marriage is in trouble.

a guy who gloats to wife that she’s fat and unattractive and that he visits strip clubs because of it, is a marriage in danger.

pinky, here’s what i see: you’re married to one of the Great Princes of Obfuscation (fancy word for cover-up lies.) he’s actually really bad at it, but somehow, he’s got you second- guessing your every thought, so that keeps your wheels spinning well enough for his purposes.

I think only a miracle of conversion will change your husband. you can’t provide the graces for that miracle-- it’s not your job. you’re not the Holy Spirit. so i think dragging him back and forth to priests and counselors is a waste of time.

you already know that you know what you think you know: you’re husband is unloving and doesn’t "get’ the meaning of marriage. he’s spiritually unfaithful, cruel and humiliating. he’s possibly physically unfaithful.

pinky, any marriage built on “You can’t prove it” is already a disaster.

1. get on your knees. pray for his conversion. don’t stop praying for his conversion. his salvation is at stake.
2. talk to a priest. do you have grounds for an annulment? even if you don’t move on it, maybe it would be good to know.
3. live your own life. you have a job and a child and a Gods who loves you. live in that. ((how old is your child? (did i miss that info?))
4. protect yourself from STDs. get tested. insist he get tested. as soon as he walks out the door on some questionable excursion again, it’s time to abstain from sex. if he refuses to get tested, abstain from sex.
5. repeat number 1.
6. repeat number 3.
7. stay close with people who voice respect for you. not simply people who want to ‘down talk the dawg’. that’s bad for you. but stay with people who love God and respoect you.
8. repeat numbers 1 and 3.

 

[GerlyOne]

WTH is wrong with you?

Her husband is behaving like a lust driven degenerate animal and its her fault? Are you a complete moron or what? Do you do this to by any chance?

Men go to strip joints because they like looking at nude women, because it gets them horny and they like it, period. She has absolutely nothing to do with his degenerate behaviour, and has every right to be furious.

It is the husband and the husband alone who is to blame, there is no excuse, absolutely none for this kind of betrayal by a husband of his wife, she could be the worst wife on the face of this planet and there would stil be no excuse. The wife by puling him out of these kinds of places may just save his soul in the end. Now if she remained silent in the face of this abuse she would be guilty of her husbands sins, through silence we participate in the sins of others.

He needs to stop been a arrogant scum bag, get a bit of humility beg forgiveness of his wife whom he has betrayed and beg forgiveness of God through confession for his disgusting behaviour, get some will power and start acting like a man worthy of respect instead of a immoral, vice ridden degenerate.

RIGHT ON! I have been married to my husband for almost 25 years, I recently discovered he had been having an emotional affair via emails with a co-worker…fortunately, the bimbo was fugly! (What he was thinking, I’ll never, ever understand!)

Over the years, my husband has had a habit of holding my face in his two hands and telling me how beautiful I am, how he loves my body, how he is still attracted to me after all these years…

Where in hell were those thoughts when he decided to play boyfriend to this other bimbo??? Almost 25 years and he blew it! I am still bitter and trying to come to terms with it all.

I guess my point is, to TLM or TML…WHATEVER…that my husband still finds me attractive, I have always taken care of myself, yet it was not enough when it came to the temptation of getting involved with this chick on the internet…

And strip clubs??? Don’t even get me started ( if you go to such clubs, you may as well get your first class ticket to hell!)…I agree, STRONGLY, with many of the posts, why in the heck would he be salsa dancing, smoking, and drinking on doctors orders? Seems a little off to me…the guy sounds like a complete P-I-G!!!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

As for the other night, he and his friends were dancing at a salsa club and he says they asked him to go to the strip club and that he said he didn’t want to go - that when he’s tried before that time something interferes with him going. They said well then you just take us and you don’t have to go in - just drop us there. Then he says okay and takes them there and then apparently he notices he can’t find his key after driving them there (shut them in the car and locked it accidentally) and he says (again, this is what he says, but who knows) that by that time the strip club closes and he calls a cab for his friends. But he also said on the phone that he couldn’t find them in the bar either. Slip of the tongue/admittance he was inside or just a coverup so that I wouldn’t think it was a strip club?

Then he calls me and asks me to come get him not telling me this is a strip club (and there isn’t anything really identifying it as a strip club, but really my intuition is really tuned into when something is not right and I figured something was going on here thats why I looked it up). He says his friends were too chicken to face me and ran off not wanting to be there when I arrived.

So which is it? He couldn’t find them in the bar which he didn’t go into? And he goes out to his car and the keys are locked in?

Or he calls his friends a cab and they leave and the keys are in his car so he has to call you (can’t call a cab for himself too?)

Or his friends WERE there and left before you came? Wait… I thought he couldn’t find them in the bar. The chickens scattered and no one gave him a ride home?

Doesn’t add up to me. He needs to pick one lie and stick with it.

 

[mesurman]

last night I get a call from my husband who likes to go salsa dancing (exercise recommended by his dr). He goes to a salsa bar an hour away. He calls at 1:30 to say his keys were locked in his car. I drive an hour to pick him up and he says I am so great and he loves me, so on and so on. I drive him to get his car. We leave and drive another hour. Well, I have to be to work by 6, so as soon as we get home I get an hours sleep and head out to work. I try to look up the salsa bar online that his car was at and I find out it’s a “totally nude enteratainment bar.”

I just called him screaming at him. I say it’s lent and he’s smoking and drinking and breaking all these things he’s supposed to go and now he does to a NUDE bar!!! I mean, I am not perfect in lent either, I did have a cigarette and a beer the other night but only one and I have not touched one since. And guess what, I never went to a TOTALLY NUDE BAR or keep smoking or have another drink!!!

He says his friends asked him to take them and that he was going to go in but didn’t. But he locked his keys in the car. I’d say that’s karma. Thing is when he’s mad he’ll tell me he’s gone to strip bars because i am fat and ugly. I have also caught him in a nude bar about 5 or 6 years ago on his birthday with his friends and he said he didn’t know it was one, that his friends made him go and he wanted to leave it after 5 minutes but I saw his car and caught him dragging him out of there like I’m his mother or something.

He says he didn’t go in. He says he’ll swear to it infront of a priest, but I don’t know anymore. He says he’ll take me to the salsa bar that he goes to and they’ll tell me he was there last night. He says he didn’t tell me what kind of a bar it was because he knew I would freak and that we’ll talk about it after he gets some sleep (yeah, I drove all night in bad weather to get him and then went to work but he’s tired). Also, some great friends you have if they just abandon you in the parking lot in the cold when you’re keys are locked in the car. I told him if they told you they wanted to have him drive them to get some heroine they culd shoot up, he’d take them too?!?!!!?!?!!?!?!

If I was there, I think I would have slapped him

I’ll also mention both times I kinow of he’s been there, I have felt like God was pushing me to find out something and find out what these bars were or in the case of the first time I caught him, that I should go in because he was in there.

NO. Do not trust him. He is in deep. He needs help to kick his habit. He needs to go Confession and talk with a priest and then go to a counselor with and without you. This thing has a grip on him. But do not give up on him, deep inside him is the man you need him to be. He needs some polishing and repair, but the real man in him will come out.

My prayers for you and your family.

 

[Pinkyyy]

thanks everyone. I am going to try to go to a priest today if I can get off work in time. I hope he will have time for me. My husband was telling me yesterday that he wants more kids and then he goes to confession and that night comes home telling me the priest says he has a right to end the marriage and he doesn’t think it will work out. That realy made me mad and I said then why did you call me saing this and that and that you want more kids - which by the way if anyone is wondering, my answer to that right now is of course NO anyway.

But, then I say you just told this priest your side and did you tell him you call me names and put me down and all of the other stuff you’ve done to me? No he says and I said then you didn’t make a full confession. I said you say you want to avoid meat on fridays and this and that during lent but you don’t want to be a loving husband and thats hypocritical. He said I was right and that he would pray over lent and make a decision about us. Like he’s the only one with (name removed by moderator)ut.

It makes me mad he thinks he can snap his fingers and cut me out of his life and move on to whoever else and leave me by the side of the road after all that I do (he thinks he does it all). Also when we were talking last night he again said he has gone to that bar then he said he didn’t and he was just mad because I was accusing him. Grow up and tell me the truth. How can I believe anything he says? I can’t.

Then this morning he wants a hug from me.

Anyway, I shouldn’t keep going on and on I guess. I will go talk to my priest and see what he says.

 

[Lerin]

…he goes to confession and that night comes home telling me the priest says he has a right to end the marriage and he doesn’t think it will work out.

Pinkyyy… I am so sorry!!!

As for the above, I wouldn’t believe anything he says. I have serious doubts that a Catholic priest would say any such thing. With all the other lies he is obviously telling, I think this is just one more manipulation.

Go talk to YOUR priest as soon as you can. Keep praying for your husband’s conversion and peace in your home. You can only control so much… just don’t allow your husband’s actions to steal your peace or cause you to despair!

I am praying for you today, and if it helps to talk here, then keep doing it! CAF can be a wonderful CATHOLIC support network.

:hug1:

 

[Katie1723]

…In fact, he is always mistreating me it’s quite the opposite - I have about zero say in anything relating to our house, marriage, work, you name it. If anyone is a parent, it’s him.

No one for ANY reason deserves mistreatment. The best thing for you AND your marriage, may be a little physical distance. Stop enabling your husband.And yes, I have been where you are.

Kathy