should I believe my husband? (sensitive post)

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Please, do go talk to your Priest.

One question, how does your father in law treat your mother in law?
 
kage_ar said:
Please, do go talk to your Priest.

One question, how does your father in law treat your mother in law?
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well, they are both deceased but his dad was a jerk. I’ll leave it at that because I don’t want to talk bad of the dead.
 
pinky,
your husband’s behavior regarding confession/ ignoring your (name removed by moderator)ut/ possibly ending his one-person marriage/ lent etc is nothing new. it feels like something new has happened, but it’s nothing new.

this is who your husband is.

i’ll repeat my list of suggestions:
  1. get on your knees. pray for his conversion. don’t stop praying for his conversion. his salvation is at stake.
  2. talk to a priest. do you have grounds for an annulment? even if you don’t move on it, maybe it would be good to know.
  3. live your own life. you have a job and a child and a Gods who loves you. live in that. ((how old is your child? (did i miss that info?))
  4. protect yourself from STDs. get tested. insist he get tested. as soon as he walks out the door on some questionable excursion again, it’s time to abstain from sex. if he refuses to get tested, abstain from sex.
  5. repeat number 1.
  6. repeat number 3.
  7. stay close with people who voice respect for you. not simply people who want to ‘down talk the dawg’. that’s bad for you. but stay with people who love God and respoect you.
  8. repeat numbers 1 and 3.
 
Lerin said:
Pinkyyy… I am so sorry!!!

As for the above, I wouldn’t believe anything he says. I have serious doubts that a Catholic priest would say any such thing. With all the other lies he is obviously telling, I think this is just one more manipulation.

Go talk to YOUR priest as soon as you can. Keep praying for your husband’s conversion and peace in your home. You can only control so much… just don’t allow your husband’s actions to steal your peace or cause you to despair!

I am praying for you today, and if it helps to talk here, then keep doing it! CAF can be a wonderful CATHOLIC support network.

:hug1:
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thank you. It does help. I don’t believe what he says. He said that he was in there for hours but I was pretty mad with him and accused him of it and he was mad so he said that. Then he said you want to know the truth? You can’t handle it. I went there. First I went to the salsa bar and then there to the strip club with my friends. It was too late and they told me why pay $10 for 15 minutes? So, I had a beer in the parking lot and locked my keys in the car. I didn’t go in.

I said, but you would have gone in and had a real good time if they were open for another hour wouldn’t have you? He said he would have gone in then. I said, well that’s real great of you while I am willing to go get you and sit at home hoping you are having a good time dancing with your group you are trying to get into a naked bar. You are acting like a pervert. He said he looks at other women and how “good” they look and that I don’t. I said, we have a kid and I was home for all those years, and I was never exactly small (I have gone up and down) and if I haven’t been what you wanted in a wife (looks wise) you sure haven’t been my ideal of a husband with your attitude.
 
I have read through this thread and I think you should leave him. He needs to get scared and see that you mean business.

I also think you have grounds for an annulment, but you have children, so that changes things a lot.

A trial separation can help you figure things out and maybe it will snap him in shape. You can’t continue the way things are now for sure!
 
Pinkyyy said:
If he wants to go dancing again, I don’t know what I’ll do. QUOTE]

Please consider reading the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Cloud-Townsend. You really must get past the “I don’t know what I’ll do” phase and start making some real changes. You must know what you will do next time and tell him what that will be. Then carry it out if he chooses.

Example: I personally would tell him I don’t appreciate that he feels he can come and go all hours of the night, disturbing my peace of mind and sleep. Coming home with alcohol and cigarrettes on him. “My bedroom door will be locked when I go to bed, if you are not home by then. You should fix yourself somewhere to sleep before you leave, b/c I will not make it comfy for you to sleep outside our bed. I will also NEVER pick you up at night. A grown man that is out at night should be taking care of himself. I don’t like what you are doing to us, and if you continue, I will have to make some more tough choices for myself so that I can feel safe and loved.”

Just a suggestion.
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**In continuing to read through the additional posts of yours Pinky…it almost looks like your husband doesn’t see the wrong at all in his behavior. Like he is justifying it. He blames you, etc…for wanting to go to strip club…

You know, I dated a very verbally abusive guy back in college–I have shared this story in spurts on here, forgive me to those who are rereading this. Eventually, he became physical…shoving, pulling my hair, etc…I finally broke it off with him…he stalked me, literally…eventually he gave up, most likely found another ‘victim.’

I will say that we are victims only as long as we stay in the situation. If you continue to tolerate the behavior, it won’t change. Not recommending you leave, but I personally could see a separation doing you some good. On the one hand, your husband seems to want to change…has a conscience when he thinks about Lent, but when it comes to you, he treats you very badly. I mean, the degradation and berating is very akin to verbal abuse. I think that your husband needs help for that, to be honest. Justifiying bad behavior, name calling, put downs, making you feel unsettled and unsure of yourself (classic abuser signal), are all components of an abuser’s cycle.

I would not continue to banter back and forth with him–I think he likes that, because he can verbally abuse you some more, by doing so. Just tell him, you want things to work, but only if he starts treating you with respect…and I’d suggest that he seek out counseling for his verbal abuse. It just sounds like he has no clue (or is pretending to have no clue) as to what he is doing, and therefore, he is preparing you for another let down, because he isn’t admitting any wrong…When we admit wrong, we realize we need to change-he doesn’t sound like he is heading there, the more I read of this thread.

Start taking care of you and your child. Prayers going to you…God bless.**
 
Hey, Pinkkky- I HIGHLY DOUBT that a priest would say such a thing to him regarding your marriage.

Stop believing the words that are coming out of his mouth-- they are meant to hurt you and what does that tell you about him as a man?

Call your priest. Make an appt. He will make time for you, believe me.
 
OK, I know Pinkyyy and her husband need some serious help BUT I can’t believe how many of you are telling her to leave her husband. You have to freakin’ kidding me. I thought you all were Catholics and believed that marriage is a sacrament. Why on earth would anyone encourage anyone else to end a marriage? Especially on a forum where you are only hearing one side of it. And this is just one incident. Yes, her husband sounds like a jerk but she I am sure he was this way when she married him so she has known how he is for quite some time. And there are kids involved. Yes, they need some serious help but divorce? Come on!! None of you have any right to tell anyone to end a marriage. And you all could be treading on very light and possibly illegal ground so please be very careful.
 
noclevername said:
OK, I know Pinkyyy and her husband need some serious help BUT I can’t believe how many of you are telling her to leave her husband. You have to freakin’ kidding me. I thought you all were Catholics and believed that marriage is a sacrament. Why on earth would anyone encourage anyone else to end a marriage? Especially on a forum where you are only hearing one side of it. And this is just one incident. Yes, her husband sounds like a jerk but she I am sure he was this way when she married him so she has known how he is for quite some time. And there are kids involved. Yes, they need some serious help but divorce? Come on!! None of you have any right to tell anyone to end a marriage. And you all could be treading on very light and possibly illegal ground so please be very careful.
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**Not one poster recommended she leave her husband. Some (me included) said that a separation could help, but no one suggested divorce. Not sure where you read that? If anything, the majority of posts were a resounding chant of get counseling, he needs counseling, etc…not ONE person told her to leave her husband. **
 
whatevergirl said:
Not one poster recommended she leave her husband. Some (me included) said that a separation could help, but no one suggested divorce. Not sure where you read that? If anything, the majority of posts were a resounding chant of get counseling, he needs counseling, etc…not ONE person told her to leave her husband.
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This sounds like the same thing as suggesting a divorce to me. There were a few others too but I have to run and don’t have time to go back and reread.
monicatholic said:
pinky,
your husband’s behavior regarding confession/ ignoring your (name removed by moderator)ut/ possibly ending his one-person marriage/ lent etc is nothing new. it feels like something new has happened, but it’s nothing new.

this is who your husband is.

i’ll repeat my list of suggestions:
  1. get on your knees. pray for his conversion. don’t stop praying for his conversion. his salvation is at stake.
  2. talk to a priest.** do you have grounds for an annulment? **even if you don’t move on it, maybe it would be good to know.
  3. live your own life. you have a job and a child and a Gods who loves you. live in that. ((how old is your child? (did i miss that info?))
  4. protect yourself from STDs. get tested. insist he get tested. as soon as he walks out the door on some questionable excursion again, it’s time to abstain from sex. if he refuses to get tested, abstain from sex.
  5. repeat number 1.
  6. repeat number 3.
  7. stay close with people who voice respect for you. not simply people who want to ‘down talk the dawg’. that’s bad for you. but stay with people who love God and respoect you.
  8. repeat numbers 1 and 3.
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she’s not advocating divorce…she is sharing with pinky, some things she could discuss with her priest, if she chooses.
 
Yes, marriage is a sacrament. It mirrors Christ’s love for His Bride the Church. It brings grace and glory to God and leads the couple to heaven.

Christ didn’t dishonor His Bride by going to nudie bars.

More than once.

Christ didn’t lie to His Bride. Repeatedly.

Christ didn’t mock and verbally abuse His Bride. Over and over.

Christ didn’t put His Bride in danger by making her come out in bad weather to pick him up from bad places.

The Pope Himself wouldn’t demand that a Bride stay in a situation where her husband endangers her health or her sanity.

I’m not telling Pinkyyy to leave her husband. I’m telling her to take a very close look at what other women are dealing with and have endured so she can see her situation more clearly. If she didn’t have so many doubts she wouldn’t be asking an internet forum if she is out of line or if she should believe this farce of a story.

Which has more holes in it than swiss cheese.

With a man who is using confession and a priest’s advice to hurt her???

I’ll bet if we scratch the surface here we’ll find this IS NOT the only incident. You see, the happy wives whose husbands love honor and cherish them don’t write here in agony over what to do or believe. They KNOW they are blessed and don’t have any doubts.

So you get a skewed perspective here when the people who have serious problems come here for a reality check because husbands who go to nudie lap dance places blame THEM for their own bad behavior. :mad:

When I hear that, red flags go up all over the place. If she lost 30 pounds he’d claim he went because she yelled, or the dinner was cold, or he’d find some reason that it was HER fault. I’d bet money.

So please don’t lecture us. Some of us stayed in marriages and honored our vows all alone and prayed for conversions for spouses who only used their free will to hurt us more. And by the time we escaped the burning-down marriage, we were lucky to get out with anything left at all. Hardly even our sanity or faith left. Does a sacrament do that to you?

Does a good mother want her kids to know daddy is out again with the guys at the nudie bar, coming in at 0300 like a tomcat? What kind of environment is that?

Are you SURE you knew she knew he was like this when she married him? Or was he kind and sweet and generous and the day after they unpacked their honeymoon suitcases he turned into Dr. Jekyll. What do you know about this situation you can tell us?

Unless you’ve ever been in a situation where your husband is jerking you around to the point you can’t decide what to have for breakfast, please be patient with those of us who are advising this poor woman to watch her back.

Unless you’ve been married to a man like this, what DO you have to advise but nice platitudes that don’t work on people who are hardened in sin?

Stop and think of the implications of a man who would go to confession and instead of coming back filled with the grace of God and a desire to be a better husband, he comes home telling her the priest says he should end the marriage. When earlier in the day he was talking about having more kids. THAT has a name. It’s called “crazymaking” and if you’ve never endured it, please step out of the way.
 
I have been through a divorce and it is the worse thing I have ever been through in my life. My ex was addicted to illegal drugs and was verbally and very close to physically abusive and I do not regret that I have divorced him BUT it was still horrible. It was like a death. If people can avoid going through that pain I say they should try with everything they have.

As a matter of fact, I have gone through so much tragedy in my life, more than most ever goes through in a life time and I have learned how to come through it. So don’t tell me about suffering.
 
noclevername said:
I have been through a divorce and it is the worse thing I have ever been through in my life. My ex was addicted to illegal drugs and was verbally and very close to physically abusive and I do not regret that I have divorced him BUT it was still horrible. It was like a death. If people can avoid going through that pain I say they should try with everything they have.

As a matter of fact, I have gone through so much tragedy in my life, more than most ever goes through in a life time and I have learned how to come through it. So don’t tell me about suffering.
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I will agree with you that divorce is a very terrible thing. I can’t imagine why so many people do it for reasons like they just don’t feel in love any more.

The only thing worse than going through a divorce is to spend your days having your soul slowly killed, clinging to hope even though repeatedly your spouse demonstrates that not only do they not love and respect you, they literally hate you.

Divorce is very damaging to children, but it doesn’t begin to compare to the damage caused by seeing one parent systematically dehumanized, disrespected, and kicked around. If the poster is out having to pick her husband up from a nude bar on a snowy night at 1:30 in the morning, where do you think her children are? Probably right there in the thick of it instead of home safe and secure in their own beds.

Do not even suggest that it is not Catholic advice to give someone encouragement to leave a dangerous situation. My priest not only told me to leave; he gave me a deadline.

Praying for Pinkyyy. It is terrible when you can’t see that you aren’t the one to blame and that the behavior is totally not acceptable.
 
noclevername said:
… If people can avoid going through that pain I say they should try with everything they have.

As a matter of fact, I have gone through so much tragedy in my life, more than most ever goes through in a life time and I have learned how to come through it. So don’t tell me about suffering.
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Who’s to say she hasn’t “tried with everything she has”?? Staying with someone doesn’t make you batter than someone. In some ways, it may make you “dead”
And the end of a marriage is like a death, whether it was good or bad. Divorce may not be the “Catholic” thing, but in some cases it may be the only thing keeping someone alive.

That fact that you have endured so much suffering, should make you more sympathetic toward the OP.

Kathy
 
Ok- everyone calm down a little…I think everyone here just wants to spare (((Pinkyyy)) from being played the fool any longer by giving her some insight into what her options are-not to push divorce on her -but to empower her in her own right…she already sounds like she’s pretty capable of dealing with this and looking beyond to what needs to be done…many of us have “been there” and speak from experience and want to spare her as much pain as possible by being here for her…what her husband is putting her through is a “deal breaker” and while she’s young enough and strong enough to start a new life for her and her child-she has to consider that as an option- God does not want her to suffer under this man…marriage is not supposed to make martyrs of us-it’s supposed to enhance and complete us-not destroy our spirit…the breakup and mourning that goes on in a bad marriage is about the loss of a dream-the loss of hopes 'if only"…but the reality is the 'dream" never really existed so the loss is not a death at all-it’s an awakening …

(((((Pinkyyy))))…I want you to know there is another element at play here as well-lower energies thrive in bars-…and around booze and drugs(they don’t call alcohol "spirits’ for nothing) they feed on creating conflict and you can bet they are loving corrupting this man who hovers between faith and downfall…this is so evident in his inconsistency and lies-at the very least get him to go to church and speak with a priest with you(not alone)-it’s possible he’ll come to his senses-but it will be very difficult for him…my prayers are with you (((hugs))) God Bless
 
Pinkyyy said:
He said he looks at other women and how “good” they look and that I don’t. I said, we have a kid and I was home for all those years, and I was never exactly small (I have gone up and down) and if I haven’t been what you wanted in a wife (looks wise) you sure haven’t been my ideal of a husband with your attitude.
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Saying that you don’t “look good” and especially using that as an excuse to go to naked bars is totally unacceptable. As soon as he says that, the conversation should end. Don’t even answer him with anything about your size, past or present, his attitude or anything. Don’t enable his behavior by even giving any credence to his arguments. Its just a game he is playing to get you off the scent of what is really happening.
 
Great advice, 4hisChurch. That kind of conversation leads nowhere. It’s a common tactic… turn the argument to an accusation and then the person who is right ends up on the defensive and trying to justify herself and her weight rather than the original and much more important issue.

Some people thrive on that.
 
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