Should I date non-Catholic women?

[TheRealJuliane]

Something important to remember is that no one mortal can meet all your standards. It’s just not possible. If you set stupidly high standards, don’t wonder why your single. I’m not saying your standards are high, just giving a general warning.

Yes, this is very true. You want to have a MACRO view of the sort of person and values you (and God) want for a spouse, not get too into the MICRO details.

Like, I put my shoes on - sock, shoe, sock, shoe. And I put the toilet paper on the holder with the paper going OVER, not under. If I had set such detailed requirements that had to be matched, I’d be a spinster with 96 cats instead of a mom with 2 big ol’ nearly adult sons.

You’re looking for someone you can deal with daily, not a conjoined twin.

 

[lo_amo87]

To is each is own I guess. I understand having a “filter.” Of course there are certain standards one should have when dating. I wasn’t suggesting one should date a drug dealer or prostitute. But those things are a FAR cry from someone who may be a non-catholic but is still a good person of a christian faith. I too have a filter—non-smoker, pet lover, etc. My faith is a huge part of my life too and even though I didn’t push my husband into catholicism, apparently he was touched enough by it when we went to mass to convert and take off with it. Would it have been great if he was already catholic? Sure. But watching my husband and my dad transform into one is something I will always cherish.

I also think anecdotes are valuable. They’re examples of real life after all. So I’m going to continue to share. My brother is currently dating a Japanese woman who sort of practices shintuism. She recently attended my wedding and was quite taken with the church and has been showing interest in it ever since. Who knows what will happen down the road.

I think it’s very important to have standards, but being too “picky” might just keep you from meeting your soul mate.

 

[Cat]

Here is the “rule” that we taught our daughters:

**Don’t date ANYONE that you’re not willing to marry. **

Are you willing to marry a non-Catholic woman? Lots of people marry a person with a different religion. Many of these marriages work out. Many don’t. Some people claim that having a spouse with a different religion broadens their outlook and helps them to better appreciate their own religion. Others claim that it feels like there is a barrier between them and their spouse, and that neither can ever enter the other spouse’s world.

So what’s your take on this? Have you met people in a mixed marriage who are happy? Or have you primarily seen unhappiness when there are two different religions in one house? Could you make it work? Do you even want to make it work?

The rule above applies to everything. Are you willing to marry someone with a vice (smoking, drinking, overeating, gambling, etc.).

Are you willing to marry someone who works too hard/doesn’t like to work at all?

Are you willing to marry someone who spends too much/is stingy?

Are you willing to marry someone of a different race/nationality/culture/color?

And the list goes on.

The point is, don’t date ANYONE that you are not willing to marry. Whenever you date someone, there is a possibility that feelings will develop, that you and she will fall in love, and naturally want to get married. So make sure that whoever you date is someone that you are willing to marry. And avoid dating anyone who you know you could never marry.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

To is each is own I guess. I understand having a “filter.” Of course there are certain standards one should have when dating. I wasn’t suggesting one should date a drug dealer or prostitute. But those things are a FAR cry from someone who may be a non-catholic but is still a good person of a christian faith. I too have a filter—non-smoker, pet lover, etc. My faith is a huge part of my life too and even though I didn’t push my husband into catholicism, apparently he was touched enough by it when we went to mass to convert and take off with it. Would it have been great if he was already catholic? Sure. But watching my husband and my dad transform into one is something I will always cherish.

I also think anecdotes are valuable. They’re examples of real life after all. So I’m going to continue to share. My brother is currently dating a Japanese woman who sort of practices shintuism. She recently attended my wedding and was quite taken with the church and has been showing interest in it ever since. Who knows what will happen down the road.

I think it’s very important to have standards, but being too “picky” might just keep you from meeting your soul mate.

You are fortunate to see a transformation. There are many of us who feel a kinship with St. Monica, despairing of our husbands and/or other loved ones ever feeling a push by the Holy Spirit. Been praying for my husband for pretty much the 20 years since I went back, and so far, no results. I know I am not the conduit for his journey home, if it ever comes. It will probably be something very large and very unpleasant, mine was the opposite, getting pregnant and having our son. But I had no idea I would return to the Church, if God had given me a forecast, I wouldn’t have been able to marry my husband.

 

[1ke]

To is each is own I guess. I understand having a “filter.” Of course there are certain standards one should have when dating. I wasn’t suggesting one should date a drug dealer or prostitute. But those things are a FAR cry from someone who may be a non-catholic but is still a good person of a christian faith.

Says you.

What you seem to want to apply is your standard to others. Those whose standards and requirements differ are labeled a snob.

The fact that you have standards and I have standards, and they differ, should not be a reason to label me a snob.

I too have a filter—non-smoker, pet lover, etc.

Ah, so you are a snob who has something against smokers. Smokers are perfectly nice people. How do you know you coulnd’t love a smoker? Why are you discriminating against smokers?

Do you get my point?

I think it’s very important to have standards, but being too “picky” might just keep you from meeting your soul mate.

There are many who believe a shared faith life as a requirement is not “too picky.”

 

[DATING_101]

Ah, so you are a snob who has something against smokers. Smokers are perfectly nice people. How do you know you coulnd’t love a smoker? Why are you discriminating against smokers?

To be honest, I would never date a smoker, either. My logic is that if someone is capable of doing that kind of damage to his/her own body willingly, then that person would be more willing to do that same kind of damage to others. Of course, there’s second-hand smoke (to children), potential illnesses like ephysema, lung cancer, etc. No, I would never date a smoker, regardless of whether she’s a nice person or not, just like I would not date a nice person who’s not a Christian.

 

[lo_amo87]

Says you.

What you seem to want to apply is your standard to others. Those whose standards and requirements differ are labeled a snob.

The fact that you have standards and I have standards, and they differ, should not be a reason to label me a snob.

Ah, so you are a snob who has something against smokers. Smokers are perfectly nice people. How do you know you coulnd’t love a smoker? Why are you discriminating against smokers?

Do you get my point?

There are many who believe a shared faith life as a requirement is not “too picky.”

I can see I’ve hit a nerve. I apologize for the use of “snob,” a bad choice of words. I’m not trying to force my standards on anyone. I am only saying that it was a bit shocking to see so many people in this thread put their foot down with an affirmative “NO, you should not date a non-catholic because it could never work” attitude. I just want to point out that turning a cold shoulder to anyone non-catholic was a bit strange to me since there has been diversity in my life and it’s all worked out fine. Again, I apologize for the insult.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I’m all for good ecumenical/interfaith relations (former, about different Christian denominations, latter about non-Christian faiths). However, when it comes to the person you want to marry, that’s a whole 'nother ball park. You should share faith and values.

Of course, boyfriend and I, both being converts, have both taken some flak from our families for our “too high” standards. My family even compared it to racism. Because, me having standards for the person I want to marry is somehow akin to supporting systematic oppression of peoples based on their color. Good thing we found each other

You want someone who shares your faith, values and complements your life goals and personality. Don’t settle for anything less. It’s hard, but it’s worth it. Lowering your standards will just make you feel bad about yourself and hurt you in the long run.

Now, looks, size of bank account, popularity, those are things of the world. Granted, you want to be attracted to them, you want them to be responsible with their money, and you want to make sure you’re not marrying a sociopath …other than that, who cares?

I also wouldn’t date a smoker, a heavy drinker, or someone way involved with illegal drugs. Drinking is fine if it’s moderate and responsible. The other stuff, only if it’s in the past. If current, no way. And I used to smoke!

 

[Mrs_Sally]

You have made the right choice. The purpose of dating is to discern your future spouse. If you want her to be Catholic, than only dating Catholic women makes sense. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you won’t know non-Catholics or non-Christians. I’m sure your nieghborhood, workplace, or school are full of them. That doesn’t mean you can’t attend a party tht includes non-Catholics, but when you are choosing women to invite out on dates, or especially who you may become closer to, definately only include Catholic women (Catholic women who live your faith as you do!)

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I’ll be honest, my relationship with my non-Catholic fiancee is** crumbling**. I doubt whether or not any future children of ours will be raised Catholic. Remember, when dating, you are discerning marriage with that person, and the responsibilities of a Catholic husband or wife includes the rearing of their children in the Faith. Thus, I would advise extreme caution when thinking about and actually dating a non-Catholic. It is very possible that such a relationship can work, but there are many risks.

ZD, I will pray for you. Consider carefully whether it is right to marry at a time your relationship is crumbling. Speak to your priest, ask your finacee to go to an Engaged Encounter with you. Postpone the wedding if you have to. Do not enter into what should be a live-long commitment if your foundations are not strong.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I can see I’ve hit a nerve. I apologize for the use of “snob,” a bad choice of words. I’m not trying to force my standards on anyone. I am only saying that it was a bit shocking to see so many people in this thread put their foot down with an affirmative** “NO, you should not date a non-catholic because it could never work” attitude.** I just want to point out that turning a cold shoulder to anyone non-catholic was a bit strange to me since there has been diversity in my life and it’s all worked out fine. Again, I apologize for the insult.

That is YOUR hyperbole. No one said it would never work, only that you would be starting from a position of being handicapped when it comes to faith. Everyone has their deal-killers, as you saw, and for a devout Catholic, not being a Catholic is probably a deal-killer. As well, it is foolhardy to date a non-Christian and hope (or even pray) for conversion. Sure, it happens, thanks to the Holy Spirit, but when it doesn’t happen, trust me, it’s not worth the misery and that misery will likely spread to the 3rd, 4th, generations (weakens childrens’ faith, that means their own children will not follow the faith fully, etc.).

 

[TrueLight]

How does one go about finding practicing Catholics faithful to the Magisterium?

I do believe that I have narrowed my dating pool by like 90%

Lots of people identify as Catholic, but where do you find serious Catholics close to your age? Certainly not in a parish with 50-60 people with most of them being close to retirement.

 

[lo_amo87]

That is YOUR hyperbole. No one said it would never work, only that you would be starting from a position of being handicapped when it comes to faith. Everyone has their deal-killers, as you saw, and for a devout Catholic, not being a Catholic is probably a deal-killer. As well, it is foolhardy to date a non-Christian and hope (or even pray) for conversion. Sure, it happens, thanks to the Holy Spirit, but when it doesn’t happen, trust me, it’s not worth the misery and that misery will likely spread to the 3rd, 4th, generations (weakens childrens’ faith, that means their own children will not follow the faith fully, etc.).

And everything you’ve stated is also YOUR opinion. Obviously this is a very individual choice and a measurment of what a person can deal with. For me, if it means 30 years with a person who at least comes to mass with me, prays with me, who I’m completely in love with, but has yet to convert, I can deal with that because in my heart this person is the love of my life. They may never enter the catholic church, but I don’t believe that means they are any less of a person or spiritually damaged somehow. Obviously a lot of people can’t deal with that, and that’s fine, again, an individual choice. But I think the OP needs to discern what he can deal with. And everyone telling him no, it’s not worth possible misery if their soul mate never converts, seems unfair to me and the OP deserves other opinions. I cannot believe that God wants catholics to only be with other catholics. But then, I can’t read His mind. All I know is what I’ve witnessed and that’s previously non-catholics being involved with practicing catholics and conversions happening (whether that’s 5 years or 20 years down the road). Anything is possible. But, yes, that’s just my opinion.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

No one said it would never work, only that one would be starting from a position of being handicapped when it comes to faith.

 

[lo_amo87]

Hmm. I guess I just don’t consider a non-catholic spiritually handicapped.

 

[agapewolf]

And everything you’ve stated is also YOUR opinion. Obviously this is a very individual choice and a measurment of what a person can deal with. For me, if it means 30 years with a person who at least comes to mass with me, prays with me, who I’m completely in love with, but has yet to convert, I can deal with that because in my heart this person is the love of my life. They may never enter the catholic church, but I don’t believe that means they are any less of a person or spiritually damaged somehow. Obviously a lot of people can’t deal with that, and that’s fine, again, an individual choice. But I think the OP needs to discern what he can deal with. And everyone telling him no, it’s not worth possible misery if their soul mate never converts, seems unfair to me and the OP deserves other opinions. I cannot believe that God wants catholics to only be with other catholics. But then, I can’t read His mind. All I know is what I’ve witnessed and that’s previously non-catholics being involved with practicing catholics and conversions happening (whether that’s 5 years or 20 years down the road). Anything is possible. But, yes, that’s just my opinion.

Actually, everything stated here against catholics marrying outside the church is the CHURCH’s opinion. As was stated before, Catholics are prohibited from marrying outside the faith. It takes permission or a dispensation from the bishop to do so. This is not how the church intends it, it is out of charity that she makes exceptions.
I’ve seen many catholics being with non-catholics resulting in them losing their faith and leaving the church. Anecdotal experiences of a conversion here or there is not the rule. THe purpose of marriage is to get each other and the family to heaven. It is hard enough with the graces available from the church…confession and Eucharist especially. Knowing how tied the Eucharist is too marriage with TOB, …to becoming one with Christ physically (which is impossible with a non-Catholic) then one with each other…that whole first part missing, I wouldn’t want it.

 

[SMHW]

Seeing as how you don’t seem to have a problem finding Catholic women to date (or at least not a big problem) I would suggest you limit yourself to Catholic women.

If for some reason you lived someplace where there were so few Catholics that there was really no “choice” then you might have to widen the search to non-Catholics. But in that case I’d suggest you might be better off meeting people online or moving somewhere that the prospects were greater.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hmm. I guess I just don’t consider a non-catholic spiritually handicapped.

I did not say the PERSON is spiritually handicapped, but the MARRIAGE definitely will be.

 

[1ke]

Hmm. I guess I just don’t consider a non-catholic spiritually handicapped.

Juliane did not say a non-Catholic was “spiritually handicapped” (although they do lack the fullness of truth). Rather, she stated that the relationship would be starting with a handicap.

I do encourage you to read what the Church actually has to say about mixed marriages. The Church prohibits them, and it allows them with reluctance as an act of mercy towards those Catholics who insist upon it.

This issue is so serious that numerous popes have written on the topic. See for example Casti Connubii, paragraphs 81-82, Quas Vestro, and Matrimonia Mixta.

 

[1ke]

And everything you’ve stated is also YOUR opinion.

It is not an *opinion *that the Church expressly prohibits mixed marriages. Permission from the bishop is required. In the case of disparity of cult, it is actually a diriment impediment to valid marriage requiring a dispensation.

Papal documents are also not opinions, they are authoritative teaching documents.