Should I forgive someone for something they did to hurt me even if they aren’t sorry for it?

[Randomperson]

Should I? I feel like my conscience says I should but I feel very unfairly treated. Even if I do I don’t know how to actually forgive. I won’t want to be fake about it and say I forgive for the sake of it but I want to mean it but I don’t know if I can and in such a case would it be better not to.

 

[CoffeeCatholic]

Forgiveness isn’t for their benefit… it’s for yours. It’s for your own ability to move forward. If you can forgive them and move on it’s healthy for you; even if they aren’t sorry.

 

[RhodesianSon]

Yes.

Extra letters.

 

[SMHW]

Yes. Forgive this person even if they are not sorry.

That is different from saying that your relationship with this person can and/or should go back to the way it was. That may or may not be possible or advisable.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Forgive? Yes.

Reconcile? It’s up to you.

 

[EricF]

Forgive. If you wait for them to fulfill some condition, that reduces it to a business transaction.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

We regularly get these questions about whether one should forgive another person for some wrong they did, even if the other person isn’t sorry.

The answer is yes, you need to forgive them for the wrong they did. Whether they are sorry, or not sorry, or not in their right mind to even think about being sorry, or deceased and beyond being able to say sorry, does not matter. You need to forgive them anyway.

The reason you are forgiving them is that 1) God tells us to do so and 2) it is spiritually healthy to let go of grudges and forgive people and try to grow in love for them, just as Christ forgave those who tormented him. In other words, you’re forgiving the person for your own spiritual health, well-being, and growth.

However, note that forgiveness does NOT mean you have to let them back into your life if they are toxic and likely to cause you more harm. So if you have a friend who hurt your feelings and doesn’t seem sorry, you should forgive the person, which you can do internally, just thinking “I forgive them, Lord” and maybe saying a prayer for them. However, you don’t have to resume the friendship, or even see the person again. And you do not need to express your forgiveness to them in person. You can just express it internally to God.

 

[JerryZ]

When we recite the Our Father we ask GOD to forgive our trespasses (sins) as we forgive those who have trespassed against us.
So yes we must forgive or we will not be forgiven ourselves.
That does not mean that you must put a red carpet out if those who sin against you do not want your forgiveness.
The important thing is to purge our heart and soul of any hatred that is normally caused when we are hurt.

Peace!

 

[Dan_Defender]

Yes, it is for your own benefit to forgive. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

 

[Irishmom2]

@Dan_Defender, that reminds me of a quote from The Pat Stevens Show on SNL:

“Never carry a grudge. It’s ugly, and it doesn’t have a handle.”

 

[Annie]

To me, the minimum in forgiveness is to turn them over to God, to just say, I don’t want this in my life so I give this bad situation and this person to You to do with according to Your will.

Even better is to be able to pray that they come to know God and that God will treat them with mercy, but the first part is my first step. (I am not always quick with forgiveness; as @(name removed by moderator) posted, it’s a process!)

 

[Jen7]

I like the definition of forgiveness - “to forgive is to stop punishing the other person for what they did.” So you stop treating them poorly in your actions / holding grudges. It doesn’t mean you become friends, forget, or restore the relationship to wear it was before. You just stop punishing them.

 

[Greenybird]

Absolutely forgive. I’m sure we all thought of a similar situation in our own lives as we read the original post. Forgiveness is less about the other person and more about you. The unfair treatment makes it difficult to give that forgiveness, but we are all called to be merciful like Our Father is with us. The forgiveness also doesn’t need to be a loud declaration that you make to the whole world or a conversation you have with this person (although it could be if it seems right to you). The fact that you can feel it in your heart is the hardest part of forgiveness, so you are off to a great start

 

[Zaccheus]

Other people have already given you good counsel. I’ll add something I hope will help.

Forgiveness does not mean condoning or excusing the offense.
Forgiveness does not mean pretending you weren’t hurt.
Forgiveness does not mean making excuses for the offender.

Forgiveness does not mean you have to prove you still trust the offender.
Forgiveness does not mean you have to let the offender have the chance to hurt you again.

Forgiveness, as other posters have pointed out, means you drop the grudge. You stop being angry or bitter. ou stop wanting them to be hurt in return.

It’s okay to say " forgive you but I’m not spending time with you any more". Or “I forgive you but I don’t trust you now.”

It’s okay to forgive but not talk to them even to say you forgive, if talking to them might hurt you.

God’s blessing to you, and His peace upon you.

 

[BornInMarch]

(post withdrawn by author, will be automatically deleted in 24 hours unless flagged)

 

[Eric_Hyom]

The Deluge was not an act of forgiveness, neither was the annihilation of Jericho, neither was the striking down of Ananias.

God’s punishment on Earth is not final, he still has the power to give all these people a greater good life after death.

If I seem angry it’s because I’m tired of reading stories where the victim of some horrible act is told by smiling Christians “You will go to Hell if you don’t forgive your rapist” and other such nonsense.

Sadly, I don’t think true justice can ever happen here on Earth. How can you ever have real justice after a rape? Should the rapist be raped? Should they be castrated? Should they have life imprisonment?

How could the victim ever have any sense of peace after such a terrible event?

Only God can give real closure and real justice through a greater good life after death.

Forgiveness is a profound subject, it is the only way to find a peace that surpasses all understanding.

For the people who want to reply to me to tell me how I’m wrong, please explain how consigning a soul to Hell is an act of forgiveness.

Does the rapist deserve eternal damnation for a temporary event? Should they be forgiven?

 

[meltzerboy2]

Think back in your own life. Was there ever a time that YOU hurt someone and were not sorry for it? And now it is too late for you to make amends, perhaps? Would YOU still want to be forgiven, after perhaps realizing that what you did was wrong? If that is the case, then do unto others…

 

[Dorothy]

You can’t force your emotions, but you can will to forgive with the help of God’s grace.

Every time you feel upset about how the person treated you, just give that person to Our Lord Jesus Christ, and say a prayer for him/her.

It can be a battle, and the Lord has already won it for us. We can grow spiritually from having these battles!

 

[Julius_Caesar]

God doesn’t forgive unless you’re sorry.

Why would you be more forgiving than God?

My answer is No.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I’m going to go against the grain: you don’t have to forgive.

If you don’t feel something then don’t try to force yourself to - psychologists say doing so leads to mental harm in the long run.

We always have somebody bring up this point.

This isn’t a psychology forum: it’s a forum where we give Catholic answers based on Catholic teaching.

If a person doesn’t feel able to forgive, then they should be praying to God for the grace to get to that point. I can understand needing time to work through your feelings, I’ve been there myself and sometimes you can’t just forgive on a dime. When that happens, you do like Corrie Ten Boom when the Nazi guard asked her forgiveness, and you pray. She prayed, “Lord, forgive this man; I cannot.” And the Lord gave her the strength to reach out her hand and forgive.

Remember also that God Himself doesn’t forgive everyone

This is an incredibly wrong and ego-driven and just plain weird statement to make in the context of a Catholic teaching discussion. I notice your profile doesn’t say “Catholic” so I don’t know what perspective you’re making these statements from, but this forum is for giving advice that comports with Catholic teaching.

We’re not God and Jesus told us to forgive.

God is the only one who gets to sit in judgment. We don’t.

For the people who want to reply to me to tell me how I’m wrong, please explain how consigning a soul to Hell is an act of forgiveness.

Again, God’s forgiveness doesn’t mean we just get to do what we want on earth with no fear of Hell because God will always forgive. People put themselves in Hell by their own free will choices. They don’t take one step of repentance towards God or he would RUN to meet them.

And in any event, as I already said, we don’t get to refuse to forgive people who hurt us because there are souls in Hell. That’s incredibly presumptuous. I’m shaking my head at how you’d even bring that up on a Catholic forum in an advice thread to someone. If you have a problem with this teaching of the Church, you could at least start your own thread to discuss it in a respectful way.