Should I forgive someone for something they did to hurt me even if they aren’t sorry for it?

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“Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

For me, this says it all.
 
Welcome to the CA Forum @Randomperson! It’s hard to forgive but God never hesitates to forgive anyone who sinned against Him. Are you ready to forgive? It can’t do any good if you’re going to forgive without feeling to forgive that person who hurt you. It’s hard to forgive if they did too much wrong to you. But if you’re ready, why not?
 
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BornInMarch said:
If I seem angry it’s because I’m tired of reading stories where the victim of some horrible act is told by smiling Christians “You will go to Hell if you don’t forgive your rapist” and other such nonsense.
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@BornInMarch

I have never seen any Christian smile while telling someone else they were in danger of hell.

Forgiveness does not require condoning or excusing the offense.
Forgiveness does not require pretending one has not been hurt.
Forgiveness does not require being best buddies with the offender.
Forgiveness does not require giving the offender the chance to repeat the offense.
Forgiveness does not require assoociating with the offender at all.
Forgiveness does not even necessarily require that you try to protect the offender from punishment.

Forgiveness means you give up the right to hate them. That you let go of the grudge. That you resist the tempatation to actively wish them ill for the sake of seeing them suffer.
 
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I’ll admit that forgiving can be hard, but if you don’t it will eat at you like acid. I was very, very badly treated by my former husband. I’ve forgiven him. I would never reconcile with him since he hasn’t changed at all and I have no desire to set eyes on him ever again. But I have forgiven him and don’t wish him ill.
 
Marcus_Aurelius1 said:
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Zaccheus:
Forgiveness means you give up the right to hate them.
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That’s not even close to what forgiveness means. Forgiveness is a transaction, not a feeling.
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Forgieness is not a feeling. Forgiveness is a decision, an act of will. But you have to decide to give up the right to hate.
 
Forgiving often frees us more than the other person. Hanging onto unforgiveness can poison our inner life. When my parents separated (and eventually divorced), I was incredibly angry at them for blowing up our home & family, especially toward the one parent who initiated it. As a result I was surly and mean towards them. They never sought my forgiveness! They were drowning in their own pain. But I began to feel guilty about my lack of love towards them. I began to think of how much God had forgiven me for, even my very biggest life-changing sins. So as others have said here I prayed in a real spirit of wanting to forgive, and in a surprisingly short time I really did get to that place where I had forgiven and I could love unhindered again.

That’s not to say that I suddenly became OK about my parents divorce. I don’t think I will ever feel OK about that, it still causes me sorrow decades later. But I have forgiven.

Unforgiveness is a prison that we keep ourselves in. When I forgive, I (with God’s help) set myself completely free.
 
Marcus_Aurelius1 said:
There are many who are loved by God who aren’t not forgoven by Him. Your definition is invalid.
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In a transactional sense, you are right; until the sinner accepts the forgiveness that God has already decided to give, the transaction is not complete. Yet God stands absolutely ready to forgive every sin before we even ask, and perhaps, before we even fully realize it’s a sin. He has already in a sense forgiven it, because he’s willing. But yes, we must ask for it to complete the transaction. But in his inner self, he has already forgiven, whether he has the opportunity to give it to us or not.

I wonder if this transactional forgiveness is really more speaking of the concept of reconciliation, more than forgiveness. To me, forgiveness is an inner decision I make that has nothing to do with the other person asking me for my forgiveness. It’s where I decide to let it go regardless of how they act towards me.
 
No, of course there is a hell. It is completing the transaction of reconciliation (receiving the forgiveness he has already decided to give, and already paid the price for on the cross) that keeps us out of hell. Regardless of whether I ever complete the transaction, he stands ready to forgive. That readiness to forgive in an instant is what I try to emulate.
 
VeryBlessed said:
Regardless of whether I ever complete the transaction, he stands ready to forgive.
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Desire and action are two different things.

God antecedently can will something and consequently will something else.
 
To answer the OP, yes. Especially if they’re not sorry for it.
Tis_Bearself said:
The answer is yes, you need to forgive them for the wrong they did. Whether they are sorry, or not sorry, or not in their right mind to even think about being sorry, or deceased and beyond being able to say sorry, does not matter. You need to forgive them anyway.

The reason you are forgiving them is that 1) God tells us to do so and 2) it is spiritually healthy to let go of grudges and forgive people and try to grow in love for them, just as Christ forgave those who tormented him. In other words, you’re forgiving the person for your own spiritual health, well-being, and growth.

However, note that forgiveness does NOT mean you have to let them back into your life if they are toxic and likely to cause you more harm. So if you have a friend who hurt your feelings and doesn’t seem sorry, you should forgive the person, which you can do internally, just thinking “I forgive them, Lord” and maybe saying a prayer for them. However, you don’t have to resume the friendship, or even see the person again. And you do not need to express your forgiveness to them in person. You can just express it internally to God.
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This is extremely well-put and one of the finer things I’ve read on CAF in awhile.

Not too long ago, I heard an evangelical say “forgiveness means that I give up my right to feel badly towards you”. This was golden. That is not everything that forgiveness is about, but it’s an essential part.

If someone has damaged me, damaged people I care about, damaged my interests, damaged those people’s interests — all of which have happened — I can let go, I can, as the evangelical put it, give up my right to feel badly towards them, but that does not mean I want or need them in my life anymore. In fact, it might be an occasion of sin — for both them and for me — to keep associating with each other. They’ve done their damage, they may be sorry, they may not be, I’ll let it go, but very often, the thing to do, is just to move on.

In families, this isn’t always possible, and in small towns, this isn’t always possible either. I have no contact with any family outside my immediate one (parents and son, I have no siblings), for reasons both benign (people drift apart) and not-so-benign (let’s just say some relatives don’t always “gee-haw” with each other… Original Sin at work once more) and I do not live in a small town, so it’s easy for me to sit back and say. I live in a city that is just large enough, that unless someone is in your immediate circle, they really don’t care about you or what you do, they’ve got their own lives to live. (Be there in a pinch, yes, micro-manage your life for you or monitor your circumstances for any signs of well-being or prosperity they could get jealous of, no.)
 
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Marcus_Aurelius1 said:
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Zaccheus:
But you have to decide to give up the right to hate.
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There are many who are loved by God who aren’t not forgoven by Him. Your definition is invalid.
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God ofers forgiveness to all. We, each of us, will accept or reject God’s forgiveness. Those who reject God’s mercy must face His justice.
 
Zaccheus said:
Thank you for this.
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Another bad definition. And when you say we will face God’s justice if we do not have His mercy is a half truth. Everyone will face God’s justice.
 
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Yes, you should forgive. I’ve found the easiest way to forgive somebody is to offier up the pain that person has caused me for the sake of his soul. When you think about it, this is what Jesus did for us on the cross: offered up his pain for all of us who have wounded Him. And aren’t we supposed to be Christ-like?
 
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