I seriously doubt that is going to change anything, and would almost certainly end your friendship with him and his wife. It seems more than anything this comes down to a personality mismatch. Again, I’d just steer clear of him if you don’t care for his comments. If you insist on saying something, keep it lighthearted and say something like, “Geez, I hope you don’t think that about me!”
Seriously, a person as you have described is not going to pay a bit of attention to your statement. In fact I would be surprised if he would even wait until you have finished speaking before either interrupting or walking away. Just put some distance between you.
C’mon, you do not respect his opinion. He’s being boorish and rude, and there is no way around it. So let’s drop the “I can respect your opinion” tactic in this case. Also, it does not matter if other people are the laziest, stupidest, stinkiest, ugliest, nastiest, least agreeable people on the planet, there is still usually no excuse for gossiping about them behind their backs. IOW, you do not have to defend anyone in order to tell this man to shut up if he doesn’t have something nice to say. So don’t even go there, because it obviously won’t make an impression on him, anyway.
This is the approach I’d probably take. But then, I sometimes have trouble with this type of confrontation. If you say it with a smile it’ll give him something to think about without making him defensive.
I agree with this. I think you’re just reading too much of yourself into his comments. I think you’re very, very sensitive to anything anybody says about people being unemployed right now and you think they are indirectly talking about you personally. His comments have nothing to do with you or your situation. It just sounds like you two just don’t mix.
His comments have a lot to do with her situation of standing in a Catholic church and expecting that uncharitable comments are not tolerated no matter who is in earshot to hear them.
His comments wouldn’t bother me as they seem to you or the OP. I really don’t find his comments all that offensive.His comments have a lot to do with her situation of standing in a Catholic church and expecting that uncharitable comments are not tolerated no matter who is in earshot to hear them.
I would find this guy’s manner of speaking unacceptable and offensive if I ran two companies, owned half the town, and employed 3/4 of it. He’s making comments that are unbecoming the active position he’s taken in his parish, period. Really–what kind of decent person would find that they “mix” with comments like he’s making?
You’re saying that if you heard this, it would not bother you:His comments wouldn’t bother me as they seem to you or the OP. I really don’t find his comments all that offensive.
I think when we are in a situation that is very stressful and making us anxious, we all have a tendency to take what others say more to heart than the other person means to convey.
If the kid in school is struggling because they aren’t actually doing their work, and aren’t motivated to change the situation, wouldn’t have a problem with someone saying they are in line to work at the gas station.You’re saying that if you heard this, it would not bother you:
“…someone else’s kid is struggling in school he will say things ‘Well, we do need people to pump gas’…”
or
"…‘John Smith’ loses his job and I say ‘How sad, I must remember to pray for him’ and this guy says ‘I am not surprised the guy was lazy’,…"
Really? If this is so non-offensive, then of course you don’t think the teacher of the student or the family of the guy without a job ought to find it offensive, right? Can you honestly say you’d be just fine to find out that John Smith been standing there behind you the whole time, seeing you nod at ol’ Mr. Big-Mouth in agreement?
This all seems to fit “do unto others” fairly easily…that is, you ought to talk behind people’s backs as you would talk to their faces. Otherwise, well, that is what is meant by “two-faced.” If we don’t think of those going through bad times when we are going through good times, what time will we have for them when we have hard times of our own to deal with?
I can see why you’d feel duty-bound to deliver the bitter pill of the truth if you were asked by someone in the situation why they are failing to reach their goals, but what is good end is accomplished when people congregate in a Catholic church to say unkind things about people who are not present to defend themselves and in any case did not solicit their opinion?
I don’t see where the OP said any of this conversation took place AT CHURCH. I understood it was a conversation and the “friend” said a few comments that may OR may not be true and it hit a nerve with the OP because it was too close to their own personal situation.
Where the conversation takes place is irrelevant to my feelings. This man prides himself by everything he does for the church and is forever talking about ways to increase the attendance. I don’t think non practicing Catholics would be in a hurry to join a church if his snobby comments are the first thing they hear. Trust me, I have spent enough time around him to know he can not go more than 15 minutes without making a comment about how winners earn a lot of money and losers don’t. (not in those exact words but it is the meaning behind most of what he says)
As much as I agree with this, I also think that he knows I have not worked in over a year and there is such a thing as charity. A considerate person would be mindful of what they say when they know someone is hurting. Case in point, I once bought a western movie and I immediately though of a friend who loves western movies and in the back of my mind I was thinking I would offer to lend it to him. After watching the movie and seeing there were criminals being hung I didn’t. This guys brother had just hung himself and I did not want to upset him in his time of grief. IOW yes people are more sensitive when they are living through unpleasant circumstances but that is why we need to be considerate of what we say
This guy does not work with John Smith so he has no way of knowing if John Smith is lazy or not. And even if he did know the truth, he has no business saying it to me. When I say ‘I must pray for the guy who just lost the job’ in that prayer I ask God to help John Smith. Whether that means John is a good worker and needs a job OR John really is lazy and needs to learn good habits is left in God’s hands
No I don’t think I am taking them to seriously. I hear other people once in a while make a comment and I know I am offended because of my situation. But with this guy it is CONSTANT and it would bother me regardless.
I totally disagree. After having gone through this 10 years ago and knowing first hand how cruel people are to the unemployed (especially when it is a case of bad luck). I have had MUCH more compassion for those who are looking for work. The only difference is if I had never lost my job, I would have told him a long time ago ‘I know what it is to be down on my luck and I hate how you can be so cruel to people’. But since I am not working, I know I could not pull this off without it being escalated so I say nothing. But the day I get a job, I think I will be more vocal to him
Yes it is about me and how to handle this situation, but please, don’t tell me I do not have a correct reading on the situation. His comment are very obviously a put down to anyone who does not have a career up to his standards.
OK, I won’t lecture you. I’ll just write a reply for the record, since other people who don’t know how Catholics think they’re supposed to act might be reading this. If I do not reply, it might mistakenly be taken for tacit approval of what you’re saying. You can skip the rest of my reply, if you like, then.I don’t see where the OP said any of this conversation took place AT CHURCH. I understood it was a conversation and the “friend” said a few comments that may OR may not be true and it hit a nerve with the OP because it was too close to their own personal situation.
Again, I still believe if one is very anxious about a situation and someone says a comment that hits too close to home, one can read way too much into such comments. Everything the “friend” said may be entirely true… or it may not. But the OP is very sensitive about anything to do with employment and job loss at this point. You can’t see that perhaps the OP is taking the comments too seriously and too much to heart and is not reading the situation clearly? Would the OP see the comments in an entirely different light if she wan’t unemployed right now? Isn’t that the main issue? Because its really about the OP and her situation, and how she is handling the situation of being unemployed and she not having a correct reading on comments about people being out of work or not being motivated to do more with their life.
Or perhaps, your social situation is entirely different than mine because you can lecture me all you want, I still wouldn’t be offended by the comments.
Yes. She’s tried fraternal correction, and he’s not open to it. The only reason she needs to say anything is to avoid the appearance of approval. If she were to simply walk off when he starts being obnoxious, though, that would be sufficient to show she’s not on board with him.The guy is simply ARROGANT. I think we all know people like this - they say things that show they consider themselves a cut above others, and that if the world was more like them, things would work more smoothly. Whether or not Angie wants to say something or not, he’s not likely to change his mind based on her statement to him, and based on people I know who are like this, I would not expect him to even stand there and listen. She might be finishing up her statement as he walked away.
This. Sometimes you realize that you can’t teach a pig to sing–you just frustrate yourself and annoy the pig–but that doesn’t mean you’re free to just let the pig just wander where it will and do whatever damage it will. You have to protect those in harm’s way that you can, even if you cannot convince the offender to change his ways.
For the record, you don’t know how much unemployment has effected me and my family from time to time, so don’t assume I don’t have any experience with the subject. I still wouldn’t read that much into the friend’s flip remarks, especially my own situation. I just see it as someone that is flip, it doesn’t bother me because I know many people that make flip remarks but don’t mean everything you are reading into those thoughtless remarks. I know people that make a comment without thinking sometimes and I’d rather give that person the benefit of the doubt than to overreact and cut off a friendship that has been mutually beneficial. I know people that make flip remarks about the homeless but then turn around and volunteer every week at the food bank. Or make a flip remark about struggling students in school but then volunteer to be a Big Brother or Sister. Sometimes the words that come out of people’s mouths don’t always match what is in their hearts. Goes both ways too, sometimes people say all the right things but hold hatred and contempt in their hearts. If it was me in the situation, I’d rather take a good hard look at myself and work on being less insensitive to the same flip remarks than to damage a friendship. Sometimes God puts these kinds of people in our lives to work on OURSELVES, and not on correcting other people for their flip and thoughtless behavior.
Nope, this guys behavior is not at all Christ like. I have a strong personality, the gas pump comment would have gotten an immediate response. “Wow that was uncalled for.” with a serious look of disdain. In fact I’m pretty sure every nasty comment would have been acknowledged with a response. “Didn’t your mother teach you if you don’t have anything nice to say then say nothing at all.” “Wow, how Christian of you.” (sarcasm)