Should parents allow their adult children to live at home?

[Mary_Gail_36]

I lived with my parents until I was married .I’m a first generation Italian American.

But, I worked, paid all my own expenses (car, credit cards, insurance, entertainment etc) and I helped out with the household expenses, household chores.

My sister lived home until she was 25 or so. My Dad had died when she was 21, so for a while she was my mom’s room-mate.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Thoughts on the adult child’s behavior. We personally aren’t faced with adult children who are not in school, not working, and/or with bad habits like drinking. However, it may be exactly those young adults who need support from their family the most. Like the story of the dad who picked his adult child up from a DUI and moved him straight back home.

In some cases, the adult child is simply at loose ends and needs the structure and support of home life to get their own life in order. In other cases though, parents can be enabling or a stress factor that increases the young adult’s bad behavior.

 

[Lorelei12]

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to this- it works for some people, and not for others. There are also parents who do not want their adult children living with them, and who can blame them? Some parents look forward to having the house to themselves and not having to share it indefinitely with their adult child.

Personally, the years I spent living on my own, whether it was in a dorm, an apartment with roommates, or an apartment by myself, helped me tremendously. I learned to manage my own finances and household, how to take care of issues on my own, get creative about how to save money, cook better, and I absolutely enjoyed my freedom and alone time. Not everyone cares, and that’s fine. But I’m convinced it helped my husband and I adjust more easily to living together, and it gives me peace of mind to know that if anything happened, I can take care of myself.

I am not talking about adult who live at home out of necessity or adults who live at home in a culture where such living arrangements are traditional and common. But I think in general in the US, it’s good to get out on your own if you can and take care of yourself. Some people look for such values in a spouse as well- shopping for your own groceries, being responsible for paying bills, cleaning, cooking, etc. Not that these things can’t be done while living with your parents, but not to the same extent. I honestly can’t understand why, other than out of necessity or to save money, anyone would want to continue living with his or her parents into adulthood. Part of a parent’s job is to help mold their child into an independently functioning adult.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I think there is a dividing line between families/parents whose children naturally transition to be on their own after college or at college-aged ve those parents who expect a child to immediately be on their own at a set age - usually 21 sometimes 18.

I know people who have made it abundantly clear that at 21 their children are meant to be totally self-supporting (whether that is truly feasible or not). That has to damage the parent-child relationship, for the child to feel like the parent can’t wait for them to move out.

I’m wondering how much the bad behavior or the young adult is affected by this. The child gets into some trouble, the parents get mad and lay down and ultimatum, the child gets defensive and angry and mis-behaves some more, etc. This is just a hypothesis.

 

[EasterJoy]

The experience of my family says this: If the adult child wants to live in a household with the same house rules for adults as his parents have and he is of a like mind with his parents, it works great. A young adult with mature expectations is going to have a hard time finding peers with similar expectations and why would he want to get his own place and live in isolation? He could be at home helping with the cooking, shopping, and maintenance of the house, instead. He could have somebody to go to Mass with and someone to have meals with. If he and his parents enjoy each other’s company, the arrangement can work almost indefinitely. (The adult child should be encouraged to find like-minded friends in his own age group, though.)

If, OTOH, the adult child begins to chafe at the way his parents do things or the parents do not find him to be making the transition to an adult’s position in the household, it is time for him to move out and be the master of his own household. Sometimes that happens at 18, sometimes at 22, sometimes not until marriage, and in rare cases a young couple could move in with in-laws and still do fine. (Not that I think “Dallas” is remotely realistic, but it could happen.

So–if everyone agrees and no one has to check their integrity at the door or if some necessity (like $$$ reality) requires more compromise than the adult child would like but not more than they can bear, then sure it can work.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think there is a dividing line between families/parents whose children naturally transition to be on their own after college or at college-aged ve those parents who expect a child to immediately be on their own at a set age - usually 21 sometimes 18.

I know people who have made it abundantly clear that at 21 their children are meant to be totally self-supporting (whether that is truly feasible or not). That has to damage the parent-child relationship, for the child to feel like the parent can’t wait for them to move out.

I’m wondering how much the bad behavior or the young adult is affected by this. The child gets into some trouble, the parents get mad and lay down and ultimatum, the child gets defensive and angry and mis-behaves some more, etc. This is just a hypothesis.

I would have hated to hear my parents looking forward to my departure out loud. File that one under “thanks a lot and the same to you!”, yes!

Still, this can be a chicken-and-egg question when comes out of a bad “roommate match” between parent and child. The families where the child and at least one parent are “too much alike” to live in peace under the same roof are legion. In that case, it is not a bad idea to say, “I think we’ll get along a lot better when you get you into your own place where you can make your own rules.” That isn’t the same as “I don’t like you.” That is more like “we’ll love each other a lot more in smaller amounts.” That happens sometimes! IOW, the desire that the child get a place of his or her own can be voiced in a way that expresses a longing for the day when the child can have more independence. Most adult children could get on board with that.

 

[Cariethra]

My sister and mom lived together for quiet a while. Neither could afford to live on their own. They split the bills.

Rent is over priced. It is unreasonable to expect all unmarried 20 somethings to get a roommate, or even know someone to room with. It is dangerous to room with a stranger you found off of craigslist.

 

[Lorelei12]

I think there is a dividing line between families/parents whose children naturally transition to be on their own after college or at college-aged ve those parents who expect a child to immediately be on their own at a set age - usually 21 sometimes 18.

I know people who have made it abundantly clear that at 21 their children are meant to be totally self-supporting (whether that is truly feasible or not). That has to damage the parent-child relationship, for the child to feel like the parent can’t wait for them to move out.

I’m wondering how much the bad behavior or the young adult is affected by this. The child gets into some trouble, the parents get mad and lay down and ultimatum, the child gets defensive and angry and mis-behaves some more, etc. This is just a hypothesis.

It was pretty clear to me that I, and my siblings, were expected to be on our own if we could. There was a period of time in grad school where I could not afford it, and I appreciated my parents opening their home once again to me, but it wasn’t ideal for any of us. I never felt like “my parents can’t stand me and they want to get rid of me” but rather, “my parents have spent decades now raising children and now it’s their time for some freedom”. I love my parents, and my parents love me just as much, but we get along much better when we aren’t living together. Didn’t damage our relationship at all- it made it stronger, in fact, because it made it easier to relate to one another as adults.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

It was pretty clear to me that I, and my siblings, were expected to be on our own if we could. There was a period of time in grad school where I could not afford it, and I appreciated my parents opening their home once again to me, but it wasn’t ideal for any of us. I never felt like “my parents can’t stand me and they want to get rid of me” but rather, “my parents have spent decades now raising children and now it’s their time for some freedom”. I love my parents, and my parents love me just as much, but we get along much better when we aren’t living together. Didn’t damage our relationship at all- it made it stronger, in fact, because it made it easier to relate to one another as adults.

That is a good example of things working well. When you needed a place to stay, your parent’s allowed you to “come back home.” Do you mind sharing a bit about what rules or expectations your parent’s had? Did they ask for rent? Did you buy your own groceries? Did you have a curfew?

Which rules or expectations work and which don’t. Obviously it does depend some on temperment, but somehow families in other times and cultures made this work the majority of the time.

 

[Lorelei12]

That is a good example of things working well. When you needed a place to stay, your parent’s allowed you to “come back home.” Do you mind sharing a bit about what rules or expectations your parent’s had? Did they ask for rent? Did you buy your own groceries? Did you have a curfew?

Which rules or expectations work and which don’t. Obviously it does depend some on temperment, but somehow families in other times and cultures made this work the majority of the time.

I did pay rent, but it wasn’t a lot. Maybe $200/month, I think. That included a room, and all utilities. I didn’t buy my own groceries, unless I wanted something in addition to what was in the house. I had my own car and insurance. I was in graduate school and also worked part time. I don’t think I had a particular curfew, but I never really stayed out late that much anyway. I always told them where I was going and who I was going to be with, more as a respect thing (I generally did that with roommates too.) I was expected to attend Mass every Sunday.

It worked well for a time…but I really just wanted to be on my own and my parents wanted me to be on my own. I wanted privacy and to be able to take care of myself, make my own rules, and I felt more than ready for that at age 22-23. We occasionally had arguments, nothing serious, but the hardest part was that I still felt like a child even though generally speaking their house rules were rather reasonable. Once you leave home and live away at college, it’s hard to go back. Some parents are better at treating their adult children as adults than others, but the parent-child dynamic is still always there somewhere. For me relating to one another as adults just became much easier when I was on my own.

 

[Skye_Ariel]

I think there is a dividing line between families/parents whose children naturally transition to be on their own after college or at college-aged ve those parents who expect a child to immediately be on their own at a set age - usually 21 sometimes 18.

I know people who have made it abundantly clear that at 21 their children are meant to be totally self-supporting (whether that is truly feasible or not). That has to damage the parent-child relationship, for the child to feel like the parent can’t wait for them to move out.

I’m wondering how much the bad behavior or the young adult is affected by this. The child gets into some trouble, the parents get mad and lay down and ultimatum, the child gets defensive and angry and mis-behaves some more, etc. This is just a hypothesis.

I agree with that. I don’t think parents should tell a kid okay by 21 I want you out of the house. That would make them feel unwanted/unloved and like the parent only took care of them for 18yrs because they had to etc. I say wait until the kid/young adult is ready.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Some thoughts about having adult children pay “rent” or contribute to expenses. I’m not sure I see the need for that. Perhaps others have a different experience.

When I lived with my parents after college, I did not pay any set amount for expenses. Neither did my older sisters. We hadn’t paid any amount toward the mortgage or utilities when we were in high school or college either. Obviously the mortgage amount didn’t chnage whether we were there or not and my parents had to pay it regardless (they also at the time had no plans to move to a smaller house). Especially in a family that still has younger children living at home, I can’t see how one more person would significantly increase even the water bill.

We had all gone to college and graduated, were working, and not spending our money friviously. We also didn’t have tons of money - folks in entry level jobs usually don’t. My parents had already taught us about saving and money mangement, so requiring a set financial contribution wasn’t necessary from that point of view.

Of course, I would expect an adult to contribute to the running of the house in terms of chores/errands and of course to pick up after themselves.

We did all of course pay for our own incidentals (toiletries, clothes, etc.) And we would pick up groceries and cook meals. But even so I just don’t see how an adult living with her parents could be such a huge financial drain on the parents.

We didn’t start charging our son rent until his second year in college. By that time we found ourselves paying more and more of his college expenses as he worked fewer and fewer hours. He blamed it on his class load, even though he was taking fewer classes than he had the first year. He was just one person out of seven, but he was consuming at least one third of the groceries. This was in addition to the fast food and cafeteria meals he had no problem paying for on his own. As for the water bill, we have a shower timer so while the rest of the family was taking 5 minute showers (my wife takes longer since she has the babies in with her), he was taking 30-45 minute showers (versus about 20 minutes for the rest of the family combined). Our most recent water bill (the first since he moved out) is 1/3 less than the previous one. There were several other reasons and expenses that went into our decision, but those were two of the big ones. We heard lots of complaints after we started charging him rent and claims that we were unfair and hypocrites since neither of us paid rent when we lived at home, but we both came from dual-income homes with fewer children and each of us worked more and covered more of our expenses than our son did, so the complaints we heard weren’t very valid.

 

[JimG]

It’s fine until the money runs out. Some parents simply cannot afford to support their adult children indefinitely. Some are widowed or living on savings, and could manage to support themselves but not the kids.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I honestly can’t understand why, other than out of necessity or to save money, anyone would want to continue living with his or her parents into adulthood. Part of a parent’s job is to help mold their child into an independently functioning adult.

Because in many cultures this is what makes a family. Not just me and my spouse and children, but parents, in-laws, cousins. For such people it is only natural to live in a family, so they stay at home and have all the benefits of family life. This idea of an independently functioning adult is an American thing. Independence is praised above other things. Luckily, this is not the case in other cultures that understand the value of community. And family is the most important community. The individual develops into an independently functioning adult within that framework, and not apart from it. Anyone can learn to manage a bank account. Why would such things be considered of utmost importance? Big deal. But perhaps these things matter so much in cultures that value money over other things, I don’t know.

 

[EasterJoy]

Because in many cultures this is what makes a family. Not just me and my spouse and children, but parents, in-laws, cousins. For such people it is only natural to live in a family, so they stay at home and have all the benefits of family life. This idea of an independently functioning adult is an American thing. Independence is praised above other things. Luckily, this is not the case in other cultures that understand the value of community. And family is the most important community. The individual develops into an independently functioning adult within that framework, and not apart from it. Anyone can learn to manage a bank account. Why would such things be considered of utmost importance? Big deal. But perhaps these things matter so much in cultures that value money over other things, I don’t know.

Exactly! If you don’t want them and they don’t want you when they are young, what makes you think they’ll want you when you are old? Some temperaments don’t do well in a group situation, but others do very well. Families long on the group temperament make good multi-generational households.

 

[OurLadyPray4US]

If you’re asking this question, you are obviously not Italian.

One of my all-time favorite movies is Rocco and His Brothers, by Luchino Visconti. The Italian family so poetically depicted in that movie is not nuclear.

Also, in a lighter class, I remember My Big Fat Greek Wedding - that family is also anything but nuclear.

 

[CradleJourney]

Exactly! If you don’t want them and they don’t want you when they are young, what makes you think they’ll want you when you are old? Some temperaments don’t do well in a group situation, but others do very well. Families long on the group temperament make good multi-generational households.

Different family cultures I guess…ours has been “two families - including a “family” of just one adult - cannot live together in the same house”. My mom said that at least three hundred or more times when I was growing up and insisted (and still insists at 86) that she’d never live with one of us - she’d prefer an assisted care facility. My own adult kids were just as desperate to get out as I was to get them out … mainly because it was a sign they had done well and I had raised them well enough, but also, candidly because we have only one bathroom. Our family culture is all about being able to go out and live on your own, then with a spouse, and raise your kids so they are ready and able to leave. When my sibling ran into a difficult point in his life (divorce) he did “move back home” - but only to the extent of moving temporarily into my parent’s camper they hooked up for him in the backyard. I think it was about a month or so, then he was able to find/afford his own housing.

On the flip-side, we all have an open fridge/open laundry policy - anyone who’s hungry (or just lonely or just in the neighborhood) can stop by and get fed with no one batting an eye - I know sometimes I went back home for dinner every night when money was tight. And my adult kids know I have the same - they may not like what I have here to eat - but whatever I have they are more than welcome to share it. Ditto my siblings, nieces/nephews, etc. - and same for the washer and dryer.

Different families, different cultures, different beliefs

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

So many interesting posts. I agree: different cultures, different families. But one thing bothers me a little. It is not uncommon for people to assume a close link between their culture and their Catholic faith, like they are almost the same thing. It happens all the time here on CAF as well, and since most of the members are American, the link is made between the American culture and the Catholic faith. I think that people should be aware that is not the case, and realise that our faith has no problem accepting many different cultures and customs, including the American one which is a minority in the Catholic world.

 

[Eleanor61]

Someone asked how an adult child living at home could be a financial drain on parents…well, we charge our 26 year old son $300 per month rent. This includes his car insurance. He was given a new car in college when we allowed his sister to take the car the three oldest were sharing when she moved out and the older son moved abroad, so he has no car payment.
There are extra utilities and food costs associated with his being home, also more work for me. He does very few chores around the house, he works nights and his schedule is not conducive to helping except with the dogs at night. He is another person I have to worry about feeding. He does his own laundry, but I often end up doing it or at least putting it away. He is not the type to pitch in and help. He has his own room, shares a bathroom with one younger brother, whose job it is to clean it. He also has his computer in the living room, and has that to himself for the most part.
We just think that it is unrealistic for someone his age to live anywhere rent free. His car insurance alone would be over $100 per month. Given the choice of paying rent or helping out with housework, etc. he would rather pay. He saves most of the rest of his money, and has quite a bit put away.

 

[Lorelei12]

Because in many cultures this is what makes a family. Not just me and my spouse and children, but parents, in-laws, cousins. For such people it is only natural to live in a family, so they stay at home and have all the benefits of family life. This idea of an independently functioning adult is an American thing. Independence is praised above other things. Luckily, this is not the case in other cultures that understand the value of community. And family is the most important community. The individual develops into an independently functioning adult within that framework, and not apart from it. Anyone can learn to manage a bank account. Why would such things be considered of utmost importance? Big deal. But perhaps these things matter so much in cultures that value money over other things, I don’t know.

People who do not live with their parents as adults can still understand the “value of community”. I don’t think there is a right answer to this question. It works for some people, not for others. But I disagree with the idea that allowing children to live with you into adulthood is somehow “better” or makes you value community any more. Not everyone has the temperament to live so closely with so many people, and not every parent is thrilled to have their kids around as long as they want.