Should parents allow their adult children to live at home?

[Mrs_Sally]

We didn’t start charging our son rent until his second year in college. By that time we found ourselves paying more and more of his college expenses as he worked fewer and fewer hours. He blamed it on his class load, even though he was taking fewer classes than he had the first year. He was just one person out of seven, but he was consuming at least one third of the groceries. This was in addition to the fast food and cafeteria meals he had no problem paying for on his own. As for the water bill, we have a shower timer so while the rest of the family was taking 5 minute showers (my wife takes longer since she has the babies in with her), he was taking 30-45 minute showers (versus about 20 minutes for the rest of the family combined). Our most recent water bill (the first since he moved out) is 1/3 less than the previous one. There were several other reasons and expenses that went into our decision, but those were two of the big ones. We heard lots of complaints after we started charging him rent and claims that we were unfair and hypocrites since neither of us paid rent when we lived at home, but we both came from dual-income homes with fewer children and each of us worked more and covered more of our expenses than our son did, so the complaints we heard weren’t very valid.

Thanks for sharing those details. You do have very specific examples to point to - I can definately see how a young adult with a job should contribute financially when he is creating expenses at that level. I do agree that these decisions need to be made by each family. I guess I just lean a bit more to the extended family model.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

It’s fine until the money runs out. Some parents simply cannot afford to support their adult children indefinitely. Some are widowed or living on savings, and could manage to support themselves but not the kids.

My understanding is that in cultures where extended family iving in the norm, each adult contributes to the well-being of the whole family. So an adult child living at home would contribute through chores and/or exepnses. I don’t hear it discussed as a child paying rent though. Maybe it’s just a language hang-up that makes it sound like the adult child is a tolerated boarder rather than a welcome family member.

Is there a difference between an adult child living with parents and a parent living with a married child’s family? Is one considered more acceptable than the other?

 

[Mrs_Sally]

So many interesting posts. I agree: different cultures, different families. But one thing bothers me a little. It is not uncommon for people to assume a close link between their culture and their Catholic faith, like they are almost the same thing. It happens all the time here on CAF as well, and since most of the members are American, the link is made between the American culture and the Catholic faith. I think that people should be aware that is not the case, and realise that our faith has no problem accepting many different cultures and customs, including the American one which is a minority in the Catholic world.

I see quite a bit of this also and understand what you are concerned about. My family is American, but due to my father’s job we lived outside the US for most of my childhood through high school. My mother’s family also lived outside the US for most of her growing up and young adult years.

As EasterJoy said, I think we are one of those families with a “group temperment.” :grouphug:

 

[maryjk]

Exactly! If you don’t want them and they don’t want you when they are young, what makes you think they’ll want you when you are old? Some temperaments don’t do well in a group situation, but others do very well. Families long on the group temperament make good multi-generational households.

Very interesting. And true.

As I stated before, I lived at home for an extended period of time. I was capable of living on my own. But I didn’t move out. I saved money. My parents had my help.

When my mom was dying, she moved in with us, until her death… My father moved in and stayed. (Also until his death, but much longer than my mom.)

 

[Aggies08]

Interesting thread!

My parents had a rule- if we were not in school (including summer), we had to have a job- wal mart, fast food, anything, but had to have some sort of job if living at the house. This was during 2006-2010, and we were all able to do so.

Once we graduated HS, we were “on our own” excepting health insurance, but we knew if there was a real emergency, they’d help us out. I think that made me grow up more than anything- I was 400 miles away (college), and if I didn’t work, I didn’t eat. Even if they did help me, it would take a day or two to get there! When I was sick with strep though, my mom came for 2 days and helped me out.

My DH parents literally couldn’t afford to help him after he graduated.It was a BIG DEAL for DH to be able to be independent, as well. Once he moved out, he never asked his parents for anything; even Christmas he tries to go as cheaply on them as he can get by with when they ask for lists. We’ve paid for everything on our own since we were married (22) in 2007, which is very freeing. We have friends who’s parents help pay mortgage/cars/other things, and they always have a sense of “well, my mother wouldn’t like it if I xyz” since their parents paid for it. I’m glad we don’t have that.

I think respectful, contributing adult children are fine to live at home- it’s when the child feels entitled, and turns into a burden rather than a contribution to the household.

 

[EasterJoy]

Someone asked how an adult child living at home could be a financial drain on parents…well, we charge our 26 year old son $300 per month rent. This includes his car insurance. He was given a new car in college when we allowed his sister to take the car the three oldest were sharing when she moved out and the older son moved abroad, so he has no car payment.
There are extra utilities and food costs associated with his being home, also more work for me. He does very few chores around the house, he works nights and his schedule is not conducive to helping except with the dogs at night. He is another person I have to worry about feeding. He does his own laundry, but I often end up doing it or at least putting it away. He is not the type to pitch in and help. He has his own room, shares a bathroom with one younger brother, whose job it is to clean it. He also has his computer in the living room, and has that to himself for the most part.
We just think that it is unrealistic for someone his age to live anywhere rent free. His car insurance alone would be over $100 per month. Given the choice of paying rent or helping out with housework, etc. he would rather pay. He saves most of the rest of his money, and has quite a bit put away.

He’s going to have a hard time finding roommates who will do his domestic chores for him. Do his future roommates a favor. Do him a favor, because he may not find anyone who wants to live with him if you don’t! Insist that he expect to pitch in with the work of keeping the house in order. Those future roommates (who may be your daughter-in-law) will either thank you or resent you for how you handle this “finishing” work on him.

Absolutely do not do his laundry for him when he has agreed to do it himself. His future roommates might take it out of the washer and put it into the drier for him, but they might also transfer the wet clothing to a basket and put the basket on his bed, to free up the washer for their own clothes. As the lunchroom signs read in many a workplace, “Your Mother Is Not Here to Clean Up After You.”

When my relatives lived at home well into adulthood, the question was not whether or not they would have domestic duties. The question was *which *domestic duties they would get. They saved my parents more work than they caused, which is what an able-bodied adult in the home ought to do. (Clothes can be folded at any time of the day, after all.)

The only exception I can think of is when they were doing hard manual labor and putting in long days at it. Everybody works harder during harvest, though!!

 

[maryjk]

When my relatives lived at home well into adulthood, the question was not whether or not they would have domestic duties. The question was *which *domestic duties they would get. They saved my parents more work than they caused, which is what an able-bodied adult in the home ought to do. (Clothes can be folded at any time of the day, after all.)

The only exception I can think of is when they were doing hard manual labor and putting in long days at it. Everybody works harder during harvest, though!!

I couldn’t have imagined living at home with my parents and NOT doing housework.

Now, I didn’t do laundry. Mom did. But she didn’t mow the lawn. I did. In fact, she did laundry while I mowed the lawn.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I couldn’t have imagined living at home with my parents and NOT doing housework.

Now, I didn’t do laundry. Mom did. But she didn’t mow the lawn. I did. In fact, she did laundry while I mowed the lawn.

Yeah, me neither. I guess I wonder what the difference is between a 17yo high schooler with chores at home, and the same person a few years later who isn’t expected to do any chores (either the same ones as before or others).

 

[Cricket2]

An OSV article on this topic that we’ve been discussing frequently here.

osv.com/tabid/7621/itemid/11567/Should-parents-allow-their-adult-children-to-live.aspx

I thought his gudelines were very good. Not sure about the expectation that they work full-time. He does say even work at something like fast food, but I see employment as so much of the problem. If jobs were easier to get, so many 20-somethings wouldn’t need to live at home - even with a lower-end job they could get a couple of roommates and be on their on.

Thoughts?

 

[Cricket2]

Cricket2:
This is not a simple question,nor can the answers be. My brother lives at home and is 53. He suffers from Bi-Polar illness and other serious health problems. He works full time, but would be absolutely destitute due to medical bills if he had to live on his own. He lives with my father.

My sister and I would also have to live with my father had I not inherited my grandparents home several years ago. We also are both chronically ill, and my sister is on disability. I am the healthiest of the bunch so I care for her or she would have to go to a nursing home.

Simply put, chronic illness can ruin a persons chance of being on their own, and if there is a way to stay out of a care facility living at home can be the best option. There is not a care facility out there (and I have worked in several) that I would want my dog to live in, let alone a human being. Not saying many are very well run, but most are not.

Low income housing options often mean very unsavory places to live, and roommates can always be a major problem when it comes to sharing housekeeping duties and paying bills on time. I had roommates once, for 3 whole months. Never again…and they were responsible women.

Today’s economy is another problem, as the average wage is 40K in the US. That is considered poverty level. The economy started to fail badly in 1981 and has been going downhill on a steady basis. (Remember only 1-2% of the population make 250K per year in this country. The rest of us struggle endlessly.)

So…I say it is fine for children to live at home. The family has to work out issues of financial responsibilities, communication and behavioral expectations and mutual respect of course. This country is one of the few that find it strange for children to remain at home, or for families to blend. A lot of other countries this is the norm and there is always a strong link with extended family members even when the young marry.

Maybe we put too much emphasis on independence here?

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Cricket, thatnks for your examples. Another poster also mentioned disability or illness as a reason why adult children would continue to live with parents (or eachother in your case).

You also triggered a thought: in many countries people speak of their “family home” as opposed to their “parent’s house”. I think that’s very telling. If you grow up in a house that grandparents owned or has been lived in by your family members for multiple generations, it is more natural that the entire family would continue living there.

It may be our American sense of independce or the fact that we are such a transient people. People move for school, work, or just because. I think in other countries there is more stability. Although I know plenty of migrants, they just aren’t moving to the next town, but to another country (ie from Australia to Singapore or from Holland to Spain.)

 

[JimG]

My understanding is that in cultures where extended family iving in the norm, each adult contributes to the well-being of the whole family. So an adult child living at home would contribute through chores and/or exepnses. I don’t hear it discussed as a child paying rent though. Maybe it’s just a language hang-up that makes it sound like the adult child is a tolerated boarder rather than a welcome family member.

Is there a difference between an adult child living with parents and a parent living with a married child’s family? Is one considered more acceptable than the other?

I am thinking of some instances I know of where adult children live with a widowed mother who is living on a small pension and income from life insurance proceeds. Without the husband’s salary, she needs more income, but the children are not working or paying rent. Finances are tight, but no one seems to take financial reality into account. Actually this is the point at which the adult children need to be working and saving because they might be faced with caring for their parent in the future.

When grown children care for an adult parent, they have to have reached a state in life where they can do that, and it’s a good thing to do. But they will never be able to do it if they never become financially independent.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I am thinking of some instances I know of where adult children live with a widowed mother who is living on a small pension and income from life insurance proceeds. Without the husband’s salary, she needs more income, but the children are not working or paying rent. Finances are tight, but no one seems to take financial reality into account. Actually this is the point at which the adult children need to be working and saving because they might be faced with caring for their parent in the future.

When grown children care for an adult parent, they have to have reached a state in life where they can do that, and it’s a good thing to do. But they will never be able to do it if they never become financially independent.

Ahh. Ok, that is a whole different situation. I do agree that in that situation the child should be helping to support the parent - whether he is living with her or not.

 

[VivienneJ]

Good article. The one thing missing was cultural conditions. In some cultures, it is very common for adult children to live at home until they marry unless they take a job far away.

On my first trip to Jordan my driver, probably around 30 years old, explained that it would bring “shame” to his family if he did not live at home. He was very considerate of his widowed mother, and talked of the places he took her to to buy the plants she loved, for example.

Exactly. My husband is from Eastern Europe and it is very much the norm for parents and adult children to live together even after marriage. At first, I didn’t want to do it but after a few years, I have come to embrace the multi-generational household.

My in-laws live with us. They are retired and help take care of the kids while my husband and I work. My MIL cooks, cleans and manages the home. My FIL does the yard work and has a vegetable garden. They even help pay for food and other expenses with their pension. We save money on day care, maid service, etc. We also have less stress because a lot of the things that come with managing a home are taken care of by my in-laws. The kids are happy because they are with their grandparents all the time. I seriously have the Best. Deal. Ever.

This is pretty much the situation I will be in in about 8 months’ time (see my signature). A little cottage next to the house my daughter lives in on the family farm so that I’m available at any time to help out however she needs me. The bonus is that the other granny is also on the same farm, a little further away, but also in walking distance, along with two unmarried aunts and an unmarried uncle. How lucky are my grandchildren?

Yes, that’s how society used to work before there was daycare, and all of these programs we have today.

I so look forward to ‘retirement’ and being ‘daycare’ for my grandchildren, or just being able to spoil my daughter with an extra pair of hands.

 

[pnewton]

The article pretty much mirrors my guidelines, though last time I dealt with this, I had to throw in music and video games (excessive) as deal breakers for staying at home. When one has younger children, the adult who stays has to follow a strictness that he may not want.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yeah, me neither. I guess I wonder what the difference is between a 17yo high schooler with chores at home, and the same person a few years later who isn’t expected to do any chores (either the same ones as before or others).

If you stay longer than three days, you ought to be doing something. If you stay longer than two weeks, you ought to be doing as much as anyone else, to the extent that you are able. If you don’t like the rules that the heads of the household have set, find a different household. No hard feelings, but that’s the way goes. As I tell my children, there is a reason that people move out! It is so they can be heads of household and make their own rules.

The difference between a 17 yo and an older relative living with you is that the older relative ought to need zero nagging in order for the heads of the household to procure their contribution, whatever that is. It’s too bad when nagging is even needed at 17, but the scientists say our brains are still getting the wiring re-done at that age, so maybe the culpability is reduced. Once you’re out of high school, though, act like a grown up. Either fit in and pitch in or else find a way to move on.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

If you stay longer than three days, you ought to be doing something. If you stay longer than two weeks, you ought to be doing as much as anyone else, to the extent that you are able. If you don’t like the rules that the heads of the household have set, find a different household.

The difference between a 17 yo and an older relative living with you is that the older relative ought to need zero nagging in order for the heads of the household to procure their contribution, whatever that is. It’s too bad when nagging is even needed at 17, but the scientists say our brains are still getting the wiring re-done at that age, so maybe the culpability is reduced.

My 17yo rarely remembers any chores, but he always cheerful and almost immediately does them when I remind him. Compared to many stories I hear, I’ve got it good.

 

[pnewton]

If you stay longer than three days, you ought to be doing something. If you stay longer than two weeks, you ought to be doing as much as anyone else, to the extent that you are able. If you don’t like the rules that the heads of the household have set, find a different household. No hard feelings, but that’s the way goes. As I tell my children, there is a reason that people move out! It is so they can be heads of household and make their own rules.

Good guidelines. I know if I ever stay more than a couple of days, I will be either cooking or taking my hosts out to eat, doind dishes, and pretty much pitching in where I can. If I don’t want to do that, then that is why there are hotels.

 

[EasterJoy]

Good guidelines. I know if I ever stay more than a couple of days, I will be either cooking or taking my hosts out to eat, doind dishes, and pretty much pitching in where I can. If I don’t want to do that, then that is why there are hotels.

Bing-Bing-Bing!

 

[EasterJoy]

…‘Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
They have to take you in.’
. ‘I should have called it
Something you somehow haven’t to deserve.’ …

From “Death of the Hired Man”, by Robert Frost

OTOH, IMHO home is the place where, when you have to go there, you obviously aren’t in a position to make any demands. You get to live there. You don’t get to pretend you’re living somewhere else.