Should we have another child?

[Hoosier_Daddy]

My wife and I have been having “The Talk” lately. Should we have another child? We have a soon to be 5 year old daughter who is fantastic. My wife really thinks that my daughter needs a sibling. I am totally on the fence. My daughter when asked wants nothing to do with a sibling at all. I just worry about the financial part, how could I love another child, stress etc.
God Bless
Matthew

Ok, perhaps I misread all of this.



But it sounds to me like the OP is asking our opinion on if he should complete the marital act inside his wife during her fertile time. The OP should be seeking guidance from better places than this site for that. Like prayer life and God.

Asking about how he could love another child is beyond CAF members scope.

 

[Irishmom2]

Ok, perhaps I misread all of this.



But it sounds to me like the OP is asking our opinion on if he should complete the marital act inside his wife during her fertile time. The OP should be seeking guidance from better places than this site for that. Like prayer life and God.

Asking about how he could love another child is beyond CAF members scope.

Again, Hoosier… Really? can’t you just get past WHY he is asking HERE, and offer an opinion instead of a snarky comment? Have you read what other people have said?

 

[mkipp]

Ok, perhaps I misread all of this.



But it sounds to me like the OP is asking our opinion on if he should complete the marital act inside his wife during her fertile time. The OP should be seeking guidance from better places than this site for that. Like prayer life and God.

Asking about how he could love another child is beyond CAF members scope.

What I am really seeking is experience having the second child, and how life change in all aspects. This is a tough decision and has been put on my shoulders to decide. If I don’t want another one my wife understands. We have not had any intimate relations in over 6 months as we debate this issue, as we don’t use any birth control. We are Catholic and follow the teachings of the church.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

What I am really seeking is experience having the second child, and how life change in all aspects. This is a tough decision and has been put on my shoulders to decide. If I don’t want another one my wife understands. We have not had any intimate relations in over 6 months as we debate this issue, as we don’t use any birth control. We are Catholic and follow the teachings of the church.

Being Catholic and knowledgeable enough about your faith to say you follow the teachings of the Church you have heard of NFP right?

My point is that I think you have deeper issues than any one poster here can help you with. But people will certainly give their :twocents:

On this site, if one dares mention that another should have more children it is often brought up that it is between them and God and not any of our business. It should be applied the other way fairly as well, or we are just hypocrites.
Talk with your wife, and the Church.
I am curious as to what you are seeking then? Advice on how to love a child?
Advice on not having sex for 6 months (by the way you really need to take NFP courses because not having sex for over 6 months is not necessary or healthy.)

So what is it that you are seeking?

 

[mkipp]

Being Catholic and knowledgeable enough about your faith to say you follow the teachings of the Church you have heard of NFP right?

My point is that I think you have deeper issues than any one poster here can help you with. But people will certainly give their :twocents:

On this site, if one dares mention that another should have more children it is often brought up that it is between them and God and not any of our business. It should be applied the other way fairly as well, or we are just hypocrites.
Talk with your wife, and the Church.
I am curious as to what you are seeking then? Advice on how to love a child?
Advice on not having sex for 6 months (by the way you really need to take NFP courses because not having sex for over 6 months is not necessary or healthy.)

So what is it that you are seeking?

I am seeking how life changed in the family as a whole. Was the second child a large financial increase, or did it just add a few more expenses. Did the additional time caring for two children negatively hurt your marriage. My wife has left this decision up to me, and I just worry about everything. I know to let God decide, but I still worry. I worry that by not giving my child a sibling that I am being a terrible parent. I thought this would be a good place to pick the brains of fellow Catholics. I guess it is nort.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I am seeking how life changed in the family as a whole. Was the second child a large financial increase, or did it just add a few more expenses. Did the additional time caring for two children negatively hurt your marriage. My wife has left this decision up to me, and I just worry about everything. I know to let God decide, but I still worry. I worry that by not giving my child a sibling that I am being a terrible parent. I thought this would be a good place to pick the brains of fellow Catholics. I guess it is nort.

We are expecting our 5th. Two made our marriage and family better. In fact each one did. I expect no less from the 5th.

Did the additional time caring for two children negatively hurt your marriage

Not any more than not having sex for 6 months would have hurt our marriage.

My wife has left this decision up to me,

That is not a healthy attitude to have in a marriage. It belongs to both spouses.

I sense you see children as a worry and burden. That is too bad. I am not sure what to tell you. Do you want me to say, no, you do not sound like a good father so do not have children? Or your worries are normal and you will do great and have many children?

I just do not understand if you say you are aware of the Church’s teachings then are you at odds with the way the Church views children, the marital embrace, and family?

I am sorry if I appear harsh, but this is not only my personality but the only real way to communicate via the internet. I see no value in petting someone electronically.

I am just trying to understand your view and apparent fears.

Again. Are you aware and educated on NFP?

 

[Sunbreak]

No one can make this decision but you. Of course, the dynamics of the family will change and you can’t predict how much extra expense it will be - it depends on if the new child has more medical needs than the first one and if you want to send the children to a Catholic school. Of course college expenses will be more with a second child. Yes, it might be nice for your daughter to have a sibling, but she may not appreciate it until she is much older. I know I didn’t - I remember being 5 years old and saying to my mother when she brought the new baby home “who wanted her here?” So, I would expect some jealousy from your daughter and the need to be reassured.

 

[mkipp]

We are expecting our 5th. Two made our marriage and family better. In fact each one did. I expect no less from the 5th.

Not any more than not having sex for 6 months would have hurt our marriage.

That is not a healthy attitude to have in a marriage. It belongs to both spouses.

I sense you see children as a worry and burden. That is too bad. I am not sure what to tell you. Do you want me to say, no, you do not sound like a good father so do not have children? Or your worries are normal and you will do great and have many children?

I just do not understand if you say you are aware of the Church’s teachings then are you at odds with the way the Church views children, the marital embrace, and family?

I am sorry if I appear harsh, but this is not only my personality but the only real way to communicate via the internet. I see no value in petting someone electronically.

I am just trying to understand your view and apparent fears.

Again. Are you aware and educated on NFP?

We follow the teachings of the Church regarding marital relations, not sure why that is such a big deal to you. My wife wants another child, and I am not sure. We want to make sure that we are on the same page. Our life as a family is very good right now. I never thought reaching out to fellow Catholics on what their life was like when they added a second child was such a big deal.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

We follow the teachings of the Church regarding marital relations, not sure why that is such a big deal to you. My wife wants another child, and I am not sure. We want to make sure that we are on the same page. Our life as a family is very good right now. I never thought reaching out to fellow Catholics on what their life was like when they added a second child was such a big deal.

You are being vague. You have said you have not had sex in 6 months while this is sorted out by you. That is not Church teaching, nor are you answering the question about NFP. Are you familiar with it and why is there a 6 month abstaining period here? Honestly, I think the answer to this could be part of your issue. As a fellow Catholic, trying to help you, what I am telling you is that I think there are bigger issues here than your initial post indicates or shares with us. I or anyone here cannot offer any sort of helpful advice on the information provided. Even those who feel they have.

You have stated that this decision is yours alone, separate from your wife, you are asking Pro life Catholics if children are harmful to their marriages or could be to yours. You admit to not being intimate with your wife for 6 months because of a concern of conception. Can you see why I am almost 100 percent sure that I or anyone else cannot help you if you do not elaborate and address these issues?
There is no need to be vague, or offended. If you are willing to post private sexual information on the internet you should be comfortable enough to have the conversation and offer the information needed.

 

[Xantippe]

As far as expenses, moving up from one to two should not be dramatically expensive right off, as long as you’ve kept a lot of your baby equipment/clothes/etc or if you have a lot of well-wishing friends and relatives. We had a 7 year gap between our second and our third, and I was veritably buried in baby clothes and various stuff. I had people asking me what to get me totally out of the blue. My younger sister is having a baby soon, with a 14 year gap between her first and her second, and I expect that she is also going to wind up inundated with gifts from well-wishers. On the other hand, tuition for school will be more expensive and college will be twice as expensive, but the spacing is large enough that you’ll have a bit of a breather between Kid 1 and Kid 2 going to school.

However, if your new kid has substantial disabilities, who knows?

I have 2.67 years between my first and second child, and I found it really HARD to have a toddler and a baby at the same time. A lot of parents do. When we finally got around to #3 (who is 20 months old now, 7.5 years younger than her brother and 10 years younger than her sister), things were very different. On the one hand, the medical side was much more complicated. On the other hand, it is less stressful to only have to worry about the physical safety of one child as my two oldest are big enough to make themselves lunches, stay out of traffic, not swallow little LEGOs, etc. My big kids have lots of parenting pointers for my husband and me and my sister tells me that her 14-year-old has been coming up with decor ideas for the nursery for his impending sibling.

 

[Xantippe]

True story:

Before our third was born, there was some initial buy-in from the big kids. However, one Sunday, our oldest (a fastidious tween) was repulsed by an adorable but drooly 1-year-old. She was suddenly very worried about having a baby at home. I was desperately trying to think of something to sell the baby to her.

Me (brightly and a little too enthusiastically): You’ll be able to dress her in pretty clothes! It will be just like having a dolly.

Tween daughter (grumpily): I’ve never liked dolls.

If your daughter is happy at school, it won’t be a big deal to her if there’s a baby, especially if the baby appears during the school year. Barring colic, it’s easy to arrange things so that the big girl gets lavished with attention at home in the evening.

 

[Irishmom2]

​

Again. Are you aware and educated on NFP?

That is really none of your business. And the OP did not come here to be lectured by anyone.

Mkipp, not everyone here wants to be as obtuse as some do. You don’t need to answer everything that does not pertain to your question.

 

[Xantippe]

I forgot to add, this is your choice, not your kid’s choice.

Hoosier Daddy, a little gentler, please?

 

[12345678]

Hi MKipp!

While I totally understand your wanting to make sure it is a good idea to have a second child for practical reasons, the truth is… you don’t need a good reason to have kids; God’s will is the only reason that matters. It shouldn’t be dependent on whether or not your other child will be close to the new one because of the age gap, or happy there is going to be a new child, or whether he/she doesn’t want to share a room/parents, or other secular arguments. Pray about, if there are no just reasons why you definitely need to avoid, then just welcome the children God sends you and don’t be afraid! Six months would be tough on me as a spouse, I can imagine it is tough on both of you, especially if there aren’t very good reasons to do so!

 

[KD8TZC]

My daughter will be 5 next week. So if we start trying for baby #2 now there will at least be a 5 year age gap. Is that age gap to far to make them close?

Heck no…

First off, pray about it… and then pray some more.

We have three beautiful children all spaced 16 months apart. You know what that means don’t you? They were all in diapers or pull ups at the same time, three car seats, and now all three of them are in college at the same time (well, one just graduated, so two are still in).

Yes, finances are tight at times, but God will not send a child your way if He doesn’t think you can’t handle it. At times, you may feel you can’t handle it, but He believes in you and knows you can. Trust the Lord.

I was an only child. Growing up, it was great. I had my parents all to myself… my stuff was all mine, I had my own room and never had to share anything. That is a horrible way to grow up… trust me.

Now, as a 45 year old, I wish God would have given me a brother or sister. I know that is not what He planned for my parents, but it would be so nice to have a sibling to connect with and talk with and share things with. Yes, I have my wife and my kids, but once my parents are no longer living, it will just be me. It sure would be nice to have a brother or sister that I could share my bond with my parents with.

Some people love being an only child… nothing wrong with that… but sometimes it can be lonely too, and it ill prepares you sometimes with regards to being a sharing person. I know I still struggle with that and I have met other only children who feel the same way.

Also, read up on NFP (Natural Family Planning)… No need to go six months or forever if you don’t want to have kids. There are ways to have sex with your wife and not conceive… it is all natural. Check with one of your deacons at your church if you are uncertain of how NFP works… I’m sure he can put you in contact with someone in the parish who can help you with all this. Many people “think” they know what it is all about, but sometimes that is not the case. No shame in admitting that. I know I thought I knew all about it until someone really explained it to us.

YBIC - John

 

[3DOCTORS]

I wish people didn’t stress so much over this. I won’t get into all the other arguments on this thread. I’ll just say my little standard piece and be gone.

I’m 52. I was an only - older parents, difficult birth. I never liked being an only, not when I was small and lonely and felt weird when the other Baby Boomer kids got up for Show and Tell and told that their moms had had them a little brother or sister the previous night.

I hated being socially awkward because I didn’t learn give and take with other kids, and I was ridiculously emotionally oversensitive for a long time.

Even into adulthood, I had dreams of my mother being pregnant with a sibling for me. (I also had dreams of marrying and of being pregnant with children of my own, which never happened, just never met the right guy.)

When my father died suddenly, I had all the decisions to make about my mother whose health was not so great. Being unmarried and childless, I also had anxiety attacks every time Mom had a health crisis. By the grace of God, I did handle her passing, and I’m surviving life now. But I really have a hard time with the way more and more people act as if giving their only child at least one sibling is such a difficult, fraught decision. I’m sorry, don’t mean to sound harsh, please forgive that. And it’s none of my business, but you did ask, so I’m sharing, hoping that little daughter of yours will have a sibling (maybe more than one! ) and you and your wife will be very very happy with your loving family.

:curtsey: Thanks for “hearing me out” - God bless!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

​

That is really none of your business. And the OP did not come here to be lectured by anyone.

Mkipp, not everyone here wants to be as obtuse as some do. You don’t need to answer everything that does not pertain to your question.

I did not know it was none of my business. But that makes sense. Sexual matters between a husband and wife are private.

Right? I believe that was my initial point!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I forgot to add, this is your choice, not your kid’s choice.

Hoosier Daddy, a little gentler, please?

Sorry, I don’t seem to have the patience with the kinder gentler hand holding approach today. But I take it you take exception with the delivery, not the substance.

 

[Xantippe]

Sorry, I don’t seem to have the patience with the kinder gentler hand holding approach today. But I take it you take exception with the delivery, not the substance.

Well, I don’t like overselling things. I’d just say that yes, it will be harder and it will alter your internal family relationships, but with any luck, you’ll have a healthy, happy baby that the older sister will be ridiculously proud of. No guarantees, of course–you get what you get.

 

[KD8TZC]

… I was an only - older parents, difficult birth. I never liked being an only, not when I was small and lonely and felt weird when the other Baby Boomer kids got up for Show and Tell and told that their moms had had them a little brother or sister the previous night.

I hated being socially awkward because I didn’t learn give and take with other kids, and I was ridiculously emotionally oversensitive for a long time…When my father died suddenly, I had all the decisions to make about my mother whose health was not so great. … But I really have a hard time with the way more and more people act as if giving their only child at least one sibling is such a difficult, fraught decision… hoping that little daughter of yours will have a sibling (maybe more than one! ) and you and your wife will be very very happy with your loving family.

EXACTLY!!! As an only child, I can relate 110% I know a lot of others who are only children who fight with these same feelings. As the oldest and youngest, you have nobody to help you as a kid, or teen, or adult.