Should we have another child?

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Well, I don’t like overselling things. I’d just say that yes, it will be harder and it will alter your internal family relationships, but with any luck, you’ll have a healthy, happy baby that the older sister will be ridiculously proud of. No guarantees, of course–you get what you get.

Yeah, I wouldn’t guarantee any of that. And that has been my point all along. We don’t know the OP. We don’t know the marriage, we don’t know his faith, we don’t know anything about it other than what he chooses to share with us, which has some red flags for me. Which is exactly why, my advice, your advice and the pages of advice up to this point are quite pointless.

Especially since it is “none of our business”

The fact is none of us know enough information to offer any advice on the title of this thread. And for people to be defensive about it is in my opinion wrong.

The title of this thread is

Should we have another child?

Which is strange to ask internet strangers.

Why is there no poll posted!?

 

[pianistclare]

Yeah, I wouldn’t guarantee any of that. And that has been my point all along. We don’t know the OP. We don’t know the marriage, we don’t know his faith, we don’t know anything about it other than what he chooses to share with us, which has some red flags for me. Which is exactly why, my advice, your advice and the pages of advice up to this point are quite pointless.

Especially since it is “none of our business”

The fact is none of us know enough information to offer any advice on the title of this thread. And for people to be defensive about it is in my opinion wrong.

The title of this thread is

Which is strange to ask internet strangers.

Why is there no poll posted!?

I’m thinkin: troll.

 

[Xantippe]

Yeah, I wouldn’t guarantee any of that. And that has been my point all along. We don’t know the OP. We don’t know the marriage, we don’t know his faith, we don’t know anything about it other than what he chooses to share with us, which has some red flags for me. Which is exactly why, my advice, your advice and the pages of advice up to this point are quite pointless.

Especially since it is “none of our business”

The fact is none of us know enough information to offer any advice on the title of this thread. And for people to be defensive about it is in my opinion wrong.

The title of this thread is

Which is strange to ask internet strangers.

Why is there no poll posted!?

The OP has also been asking for people’s experiences with 1) second children and 2) large age gaps, which people have been doing.

As to whether or not the OP should try for another child, your correct that we don’t have enough information. We don’t, for instance, know their financial situation (they could be just scraping by as it is) or mental health situation or whether there is an at-home parent or how badly they might need a second income. All of that changes the calculations.

 

[allycat10]

Our daughters are 6.5 years apart because our first was and is a tough cookie. Also we were financially strapped, and I had had a difficult first pregnancy- sick all the time, 36 hours in labor, and then to have a c-section. I just didn’t want to do that ALL.OVER.AGAIN. Well, one day hubby said to me that he thought it was time to have another child and literally, I was pregnant the next day! Now, my youngest is about to turn 6 and the oldest is 12. At first, our oldest couldn’t really with the new baby but she did help a lot and now they play very nicely together now and of course, they fight. All siblings fight but at the end of the day, they love each other very much. When hubby and I are gone, they will have each other to count on.

So…I think you and your wife should pray, make love, and let God! :yup:

 

[thewanderer]

I did not know it was none of my business. But that makes sense. Sexual matters between a husband and wife are private.

Right? I believe that was my initial point!

HoosierDaddy, the OP made it clear they weren’t asking for advice about their sexual relationship. mkipp very patiently listed out what advice he’s looking for and it has nothing to do with his sexual relationship. To be honest, the only poster here who has been trying to make this thread about that relationship is you who keep bringing up NFP insisting the OP and his wife should be using it. NFP or abstinance, either is fine, legitimate and moral so long as both spouses are ok with it. It sounds like they are so its really none of our concern whether or not the OP is having sex.

OP, seeing as I don’t have any kids yet I can’t give you any advice on what a larger family is like from the parents perspective, but I come from a fairly large family, seven kids, so I have at least some insight into what it can be like to grow up with siblings, even siblings who have an 8 1/2 year age gap. So I’ll put it out there in case its helpful.

I love that I grew up in such a large family. We had our issues, and us kids definitely have had our fair share of fights and arguments, but underneath it all we are fiercely loyal and devoted to each other. I can’t imagine having grown up without siblings, they are a part of who I am and I am so grateful for them. As for the age gap, my oldest brother is 4 years older than me and my youngest sister 8 1/2 younger than me. Sure, when we were younger we weren’t really as close, but especially as we grow older (and we’re still pretty young, some still in college) the age difference matters less and less.

Having said that, my experience was one where I never had to go from being siblingless to having siblings, they were always there and a part of my life. So I can’t really speak to what that transition would be like, especially if you were already 5 years old. But I do know that I am extremely grateful for my siblings and cannot imagine my life without them. I hope at least some of that is helpful, but if not, feel free to ignore it.

 

[underacloud]

mkipp,

Our eldest was already five when the next came along. I don’t think that age gap was at all problematic. I know your’s would be a bit bigger, but similar.

Did two children change things? Sure. It will. But I would unequivocally say for the better. We have four total, and I wouldn’t give any of them back.

I’d be bold enough to say that I think I’m a better father and better person now than I was before. Being a parent makes people - hopefully - less selfish. You end up giving of yourself a lot more, and you gradually realise how much better a way to live that is. You don’t love any of them less because there’s more of them. In fact, because there’s more of them, you have greater opportunity to love them and hopefully learn to love better overall, and thus love each of them better individually.

John Paul II frequently referred to children as a “gift”. A gift to the parents, a gift to each existing child in the family (he called it “the best gift you can give your children”), and more broadly a gift to mankind in general.

Here is one of his letters that talks about the issue you are grappling with: vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/letters/documents/hf_jp-ii_let_02021994_families_en.html

Hopefully these words from John Paul II can offer you the courage you need.

 

[3DOCTORS]

EXACTLY!!! As an only child, I can relate 110% I know a lot of others who are only children who fight with these same feelings. As the oldest and youngest, you have nobody to help you as a kid, or teen, or adult.

Thanks for sharing. Don’t want to derail the thread, but I think it would be relevant to go ahead and add that an only child also tends to

• be in a fishbowl - too much attention, too much the parents’ focus
• feel either too immature among her peers, or like a little adult - in either case, it skews being able to feel the age she really is
• feel like she has no other child ally against the adults - not that we want conflict and drama, but that she always feels outnumbered
• wonder sometimes why, if it was possible, her parents didn’t try harder to give her a sibling (I had to work through resentments as to why my folks didn’t adopt)
• have no nieces and nephews on her side when she marries, and none at all if she doesn’t marry

 

[pensmama87]

Thanks for sharing. Don’t want to derail the thread, but I think it would be relevant to go ahead and add that an only child also tends to

• be in a fishbowl - too much attention, too much the parents’ focus
• feel either too immature among her peers, or like a little adult - in either case, it skews being able to feel the age she really is
• feel like she has no other child ally against the adults - not that we want conflict and drama, but that she always feels outnumbered
• wonder sometimes why, if it was possible, her parents didn’t try harder to give her a sibling (I had to work through resentments as to why my folks didn’t adopt)
• have no nieces and nephews on her side when she marries, and none at all if she doesn’t marry

Thank you for sharing these. My husband has had to deal with some of this. His parents are wonderful people and they tried hard to work around some of these same issues that can come up with only children, but they are still there (it was not their choice that he be an only child.)

I don’t think parents should feel bad if they only have one child, but I do think there’s a lot of truth to the statement that the greatest gift parents can give a child is another sibling. Our hearts expand to make room for additional children, and so do our children’s.

 

[blujazz25]

With the age gap, 5 years apart will make things easier for you if you do decide to have another baby. You can tell her that she is the big sister and can help out with taking care of the baby. there maybe some jealousy at first because she has been used to being the only child, but it will wane out as long as you give her attention as well as giving her ‘big sister’ responsibilities.

At any rate, this is not something that your 5 year old decision weighs in. You are the parents, you think of what is best for your family.

Rest assured that God already knows your decision and will provide the necessary graces to help you. You need to pray as a couple and ask God’s will in this because no matter what you choose, stress and other problems exist. We only stand a stronger chance if we follow what He plans for us because we know that He is backing us up.

I am expecting our first baby due in Feb. next year. We are both scared and anxious because a. its our first and b. we do not know we are ready for it now. But what we know is that we have been wanting a child, and apparently its God’s plan for us to have it this early in our marriage. We have accepted that we can only control some things in life but there is still Someone who holds all the cards. Whatever you decide, make sure to do it in prayer…do not focus too much on the Now, focus on what He wants out of your marriage.

God Bless in your discernment.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Thank you for sharing these. My husband has had to deal with some of this. His parents are wonderful people and they tried hard to work around some of these same issues that can come up with only children, but they are still there (it was not their choice that he be an only child.)

I don’t think parents should feel bad if they only have one child, but I do think there’s a lot of truth to the statement that the greatest gift parents can give a child is another sibling. Our hearts expand to make room for additional children, and so do our children’s.

Said I was going to post my original post and be gone, and here I am again a third time! I lied. This type of thread is very hard for me to resist.

I’m glad you posted about how your husband’s parents tried to work around the issues. When I was small, my parents didn’t. I forgive them for that - there wasn’t as much known about the issue save the standard cliche’s (“Only children are spoiled” - oh, how I hated that one! And felt like I spent my life walking on eggshells trying not to act spoiled). But my mom didn’t realize how I needed the socialization of preschool or at least kindergarten, which I was removed from after a month and put in first grade because I could read and write - and I felt like a freak then - guess I already was feeling the “fishbowl effect” though I couldn’t articulate it.

Anyway, your post is reassuring and very, very pertinent to the discussion, since it proves that even when parents are aware and working to prevent the downside of being an only child, there are some things out of their control. Which there are in any family configuration, granted. But it’s good for the OP and others to be made aware of these things.

From the moment I first heard of the organization One More Soul, they had a soft spot in my heart. They have the usual resources on NFP and that sort of thing, but I really like how they try to encourage parents to get past the near-phobic zeitgeist in today’s society about having more children, and also stress the angle that God wants to have more people cooperate in His creative work. Here’s an article from their website that really fits here: onemoresoul.com/news-commentary/one-more-baby-for-jesus-join-us.html

 

[pianistclare]

I probably already posted, but since this thread is dragging on, I will say this:

If your marriage is solid
If you are gainfully employed
If you love your family without resentments and doubts
If you trust God
If you wish to have more joy in your life
If you can accept the disappointments that sometimes happen
If you will not “blame” your spouse or your child in times of trial

YES.
Have another child, bring life into the world,
and participate in the creative goodness of God.

 

[LaLaLa49]

Your daughter is the most important now. If she does not want a sibling, then she will not have one. Unless your desire is above the one of your child? Well, it’s your choice, but as an only child, I would be really angry about that (and yes, I am young).

 

[heidi_storage]

Your daughter is the most important now. If she does not want a sibling, then she will not have one. Unless your desire is above the one of your child? Well, it’s your choice, but as an only child, I would be really angry about that (and yes, I am young).

The parents’ desire is absolutely above the child’s desire. Parents are obliged to love, protect, nurture, and guide their children to help them grow up to be decent adults. They are not obliged to cater to their children’s every wish–and in fact, doing so can be very harmful to the child’s development. When you think your parents are being mean to you, most of the time they are just trying to do what is best.

 

[LaLaLa49]

The parents’ desire is absolutely above the child’s desire. Parents are obliged to love, protect, nurture, and guide their children to help them grow up to be decent adults. They are not obliged to cater to their children’s every wish–and in fact, doing so can be very harmful to the child’s development. When you think your parents are being mean to you, most of the time they are just trying to do what is best.

Yes, that’s absolutely right. But, in this situation, in my opinion, the daughter’s wish is equally important. You can’t know how the parents we’re talking about now will react to this change, and the child might feel mistreated. She might grow up loving her sibling, or she might grow up hating her sibling. Therefore, they must choose very wisely.

 

[heidi_storage]

Yes, that’s absolutely right. But, in this situation, in my opinion, the daughter’s wish is equally important. You can’t know how the parents we’re talking about now will react to this change, and the child might feel mistreated. She might grow up loving her sibling, or she might grow up hating her sibling. Therefore, they must choose very wisely.

I completely agree that the parents should exercise careful thought on this matter—which it sounds like they are doing. A small child, though, does not have the perspective to understand this at all. It’s quite true that siblings MIGHT grow up to hate each other–anything MIGHT happen–but that fear is not a really good reason to proceed; most siblings are glad to have each other, at least at some point. You could just as well say that this hypothetical child could discover a cure for AIDS, or something; we all have to make decisions based on the best information we have available, and the parents are the only ones equipped to make this decision.

 

[LaLaLa49]

I completely agree that the parents should exercise careful thought on this matter—which it sounds like they are doing. A small child, though, does not have the perspective to understand this at all. It’s quite true that siblings MIGHT grow up to hate each other–anything MIGHT happen–but that fear is not a really good reason to proceed; most siblings are glad to have each other, at least at some point. You could just as well say that this hypothetical child could discover a cure for AIDS, or something; we all have to make decisions based on the best information we have available, and the parents are the only ones equipped to make this decision.

I see, I understand your point of view completely

 

[heidi_storage]

I see, I understand your point of view completely

Awesome! Welcome to the forums, by the way.

 

[LaLaLa49]

Awesome! Welcome to the forums, by the way.

Thank you

 

[maryjk]

Your daughter is the most important now. If she does not want a sibling, then she will not have one. Unless your desire is above the one of your child? Well, it’s your choice, but as an only child, I would be really angry about that (and yes, I am young).

I am sorry, but this sounds absolutely ridiculous.

There is no obligation, whatsoever, to ask your child’s permission to have another child.

 

[LaLaLa49]

I am sorry, but this sounds absolutely ridiculous.

There is no obligation, whatsoever, to ask your child’s permission to have another child.

It may sound ridiculous to you, but to me, it makes total sense. I’m talking very much about myself, because I know how I would react to that . It’s about how they would interact, but I guess the parents know much better than us. I thought that it may be good to see the other side of the coin .