Single and Socializing

[valient_Lucy]

I can count on the number of both of my hands the number of people that appear roughly to be my age, + or - 5 years in my parish.

This can definitely lead to discouragement. You start to think, “The Church is dying.” You start to think you’re the only one trying not to have sex before marriage, or you’re the only one who wakes up early on Sunday morning to go to Mass. I remember, before I found St. Rose, telling my (non-Catholic) mom that I was the only Catholic in the world. It was so lonely!

And the reality is, you don’t really need to have a ton of young adults in every parish. There are a fair number of them at my parish, but I would feel uncomfortable if it was only young adults. I don’t want to be in a parish that looks exactly like me, but I need to have friends my age who are Catholic. I go to St. Rose events, and I fill that need, then I can go back to my (awesome!) parish (that I love!) and do what God needs me to do there.

 

[Bataar]

It must be nice having a church nearby that has some kind of fun social events that aren’t centered around a particular culture or “group”. Most of the churches in my area will have a social group for the Mexicans, another for the Vietnamese, the elderly, married couples, youth, etc. A protestant friend of mine invited me to an event at his church that play board games one Saturday evening a month. I love it. Anyone can go (as long as they enjoy the games) and it’s a blast. I wish there was something like that at my church. All of my friends are either non/anti religious or protestant.

 

[Rawb]

I think that it is perfectly reasonable for me to expect my husband to NOT be a serial killer.

Picky, picky, picky…

For what it’s worth, I think guys are probably just as bad as women in the ‘making a list for my perfect 10’. Especially in the Trad community. Some guys there that I spoke with - whew! Must attend EF, must cover their hair, must always wear skirts, must agree that daughters shouldn’t be altar servers, must agree with their views on homeschooling, the position of SSPX, Harry Potter…

The funny thing is, when I think it over, I think that it’s actually a good idea to have a list of your perfect ten. It can help you see your ‘deal breakers’ (though there probably shouldn’t be more than 2-3) and help you see the kind of people you’re attracted to. If you spend the time to really think it out and are honest with yourself, it can help you as long as you’re not setting it in stone.

Ironically a list of req’s for a Catholic Friend would probably be longer than a list for a Catholic Boy/Girlfriend, and less flexible (IMO).

 

[angelic06]

I’m not talking necessarily about the kind of lists that you developed, with conversation questions. I’m talking more about lists such as “My future spouse must only attend the EF of the Mass, be such and such a height and weight, like Charles Dickens and hate Jane Austen, only listen to alternative rock, and have black hair. And if even ONE of those qualities are missing, I will not date them.” Those kinds of lists can be dangerous.

Understood. (Though I most certainly would not mind attending an EF…or my spouse liking Dickens (one of my favorites) or even better, Chaucer or Dante…let’s add some Palestrina or Viadanna or maybe some Darke for music preferences…and I would sure love it if you loved opera…jk. I’m most certainly not going to make my final choice of spouse on these factors, let alone on all of them combined.)

 

[valient_Lucy]

Picky, picky, picky…

For what it’s worth, I think guys are probably just as bad as women in the ‘making a list for my perfect 10’. Especially in the Trad community. Some guys there that I spoke with - whew! Must attend EF, must cover their hair, must always wear skirts, must agree that daughters shouldn’t be altar servers, must agree with their views on homeschooling, the position of SSPX, Harry Potter…

The funny thing is, when I think it over, I think that it’s actually a good idea to have a list of your perfect ten. It can help you see your ‘deal breakers’ (though there probably shouldn’t be more than 2-3) and help you see the kind of people you’re attracted to. If you spend the time to really think it out and are honest with yourself, it can help you as long as you’re not setting it in stone.

Ironically a list of req’s for a Catholic Friend would probably be longer than a list for a Catholic Boy/Girlfriend, and less flexible (IMO).

Yeah, I know what you mean about the list. I remember being on a Catholic dating website once, and one guy basically implied that he wanted his wife to be like the Blessed Mother. He’s setting himself for some major disappointment. Besides, what makes any of those guys think they’re all that and a bag of chips?

I’m not totally against having some idea of what you’d want in a husband, but I wouldn’t reject a potential spouse simply because he doesn’t like the movie Adaptation.

 

[valient_Lucy]

It must be nice having a church nearby that has some kind of fun social events that aren’t centered around a particular culture or “group”. Most of the churches in my area will have a social group for the Mexicans, another for the Vietnamese, the elderly, married couples, youth, etc. A protestant friend of mine invited me to an event at his church that play board games one Saturday evening a month. I love it. Anyone can go (as long as they enjoy the games) and it’s a blast. I wish there was something like that at my church. All of my friends are either non/anti religious or protestant.

I like the board game idea! One parish could host it for the diocese. See, it doesn’t have to be complicated.

 

[presidentjlh]

Yeah, I know what you mean about the list. I remember being on a Catholic dating website once, and one guy basically implied that he wanted his wife to be like the Blessed Mother. He’s setting himself for some major disappointment.

In more ways than one. He’s basically saying right there that he wants his wife to be a virgin always, which means no sex for him.

I mean, okay dude, if you want that.

 

[George14]

Likely it has already been said, but one of the most natural, non-confrontative or self-conscious ways to meet other eligible singles is to participate in those activities that you like yourself: golfer?, bowler?, poet/writer --they have groups to promote their interests…, like classical music?-- local concerts, recitals, library afternoon events…

Friendships get formed by people sharing common interests. And friendship, not the environment of being on the spot on a date or other “interrogation” when first meeting, becomes the easiest and most user-friendly way truly to see people as they are naturally. “Dates” tend to be places where we put forth what we want others to believe about us: shared interests are places where we are much more likely to be natural and without the pressure of an agenda.

 

[Bataar]

Likely it has already been said, but one of the most natural, non-confrontative or self-conscious ways to meet other eligible singles is to participate in those activities that you like yourself: golfer?, bowler?, poet/writer --they have groups to promote their interests…, like classical music?-- local concerts, recitals, library afternoon events…

Friendships get formed by people sharing common interests. And friendship, not the environment of being on the spot on a date or other “interrogation” when first meeting, becomes the easiest and most user-friendly way truly to see people as they are naturally. “Dates” tend to be places where we put forth what we want others to believe about us: shared interests are places where we are much more likely to be natural and without the pressure of an agenda.

Agreed. Unfortunately, my interests seem to only attract other guys. I guess that means I am successful at being single and socializing, but it doesn’t mean you’ll meet people of the other sex. I mentioned the board game night at my friend’s church and I’ve been going every month for 6 years. During that time, there has never been a single, single female to attend. Every now and then one of the guys brings their girlfriend or wife, but that’s probably only happened about 6 or 7 times in that whole period.

 

[valient_Lucy]

In more ways than one. He’s basically saying right there that he wants his wife to be a virgin always, which means no sex for him.

I mean, okay dude, if you want that.

LOL! Yeah. Either they have a Josephite marriage, or he despises his wife for sleeping with him. Wow. “Upon hearing this, the disciples said, ‘If this is how it is to be between a man and his wife, it is better to never marry!’”

 

[valient_Lucy]

Likely it has already been said, but one of the most natural, non-confrontative or self-conscious ways to meet other eligible singles is to participate in those activities that you like yourself: golfer?, bowler?, poet/writer --they have groups to promote their interests…, like classical music?-- local concerts, recitals, library afternoon events…

Friendships get formed by people sharing common interests. And friendship, not the environment of being on the spot on a date or other “interrogation” when first meeting, becomes the easiest and most user-friendly way truly to see people as they are naturally. “Dates” tend to be places where we put forth what we want others to believe about us: shared interests are places where we are much more likely to be natural and without the pressure of an agenda.

Yes, and that’s one reason that this thread goes back and forth between having a place for young adult Catholics to socialize and for singles to meet someone. The two are interconnected, since providing a low stress place for young adults to share common interests is conducive to finding a spouse.

 

[Rawb]

Likely it has already been said, but one of the most natural, non-confrontative or self-conscious ways to meet other eligible singles is to participate in those activities that you like yourself: golfer?, bowler?, poet/writer --they have groups to promote their interests…, like classical music?-- local concerts, recitals, library afternoon events…

The problem I find with those groups is that, while they can introduce you to very nice people, if we’re looking for someone to date we’re not just interested in someone who is nice. Now if there was a “Young Adult Catholic Bowling League” maybe I might be interested, but just my average bowling league isn’t going to introduce me to devout Catholic girls. There’s no shortage of places to meet girls. There’s a shortage of places to meet Catholic girls. I think it’d be good for The Church to have such meet-ups. Catholic couples produce Catholic marriages and Catholic children. Mixed marriages…maybe not.

This whole thread is almost exactly what I’d want from a young adult group. Conversational, relaxed, blunt conversation about things we face as Young Catholics. If only we all belonged to the same parish!

 

[CountrySinger]

I think it’d be good for The Church to have such meet-ups. Catholic couples produce Catholic marriages and Catholic children. Mixed marriages…maybe not.

This whole thread is almost exactly what I’d want from a young adult group. Conversational, relaxed, blunt conversation about things we face as Young Catholics. If only we all belonged to the same parish!

That is true. I know when I get married, I will take my husband’s faith if he’s not Catholic. It seems more united that way.

I wish my parish was fun enough to have bowling! My women’s group is so dull. I bet even God is bored. Even Wii Bowling is too much for them. And then they whine about being single while staying home every night. face palm I know I’m not a social butterfly, but my schedule looks like Paris Hilton’s next to them. The worst is that they have no personality, they agree on everything, and have no opinions of their own, so the discussions are boring. And the women blend together, none stand out, which is deadly in the dating scene.
So I venture an hour north to a larger parish, and I joined their young adult group. It seems promising.

 

[George14]

Singer: is your cynicism a decision, or a “leaning?” IOW, have you been so jaundiced by the evil WITHIN the Church that you are throwing the baby out with the bath water?

That would be sad. It would be equivalent to the “eleven” remaining apostles to abandon Jesus AFTER his resurrection on the grounds that Judas was a traitor. If you’re cynical because of the hypocrisy that is ENDEMIC by “practicing catholics,” you sure have a lot of sympathizers among us who have the same reaction to the failure of so many to believe Jesus when “that saying is hard, who can accept it?” – but have you given Him a chance to cut through those clouds with 'HEY, CS, IT’S ME, JESUS. EV’YTHING IS OK; I AM IN CHARGE. PLEASE BE MY FR’EN ! ! !"

Jesus didn’t do the evil! HE loves us and is patient while he gives traitors a chance to change their ways, apologize, and come back to the feast.

Are you “with us” or “against us?” I suspect you’d be a neat friend, and I hope you can get a handle on this and not lose out on SO many goodies here and now.

We love you, big time.

 

[CountrySinger]

Singer: is your cynicism a decision, or a “leaning?” IOW, have you been so jaundiced by the evil WITHIN the Church that you are throwing the baby out with the bath water?

That would be sad. It would be equivalent to the “eleven” remaining apostles to abandon Jesus AFTER his resurrection on the grounds that Judas was a traitor. If you’re cynical because of the hypocrisy that is ENDEMIC by “practicing catholics,” you sure have a lot of sympathizers among us who have the same reaction to the failure of so many to believe Jesus when “that saying is hard, who can accept it?” – but have you given Him a chance to cut through those clouds with 'HEY, CS, IT’S ME, JESUS. EV’YTHING IS OK; I AM IN CHARGE. PLEASE BE MY FR’EN ! ! !"

Jesus didn’t do the evil! HE loves us and is patient while he gives traitors a chance to change their ways, apologize, and come back to the feast.

Are you “with us” or “against us?” I suspect you’d be a neat friend, and I hope you can get a handle on this and not lose out on SO many goodies here and now.

We love you, big time.

I’ve read this several times, but I have NO clue what this has to do with my previous post. I’m cynical as a defensive. If you expect very little, even medicore seems alright. I haven’t met a man in person who is worthy of loving all the way. It prevents me from being hurt by men. In this dating world, you have to be detached from the whole process, and distrustful of people’s intentions.

 

[George14]

I read into your post that you were cynical about the Church: my misunderstanding.

Can’t blame you for deep cynicism about men: but not all are untrustworthy.

I conceived a love for a woman many years ago who had recently been abandoned by a philandering husband – leaving her with three children under 7 YO, the youngest less than two years old - and while the relationship we developed in a short time was unquestionably blessed, divine in its sublimity, and about as pure and holy as human love can be (I often felt it to be the equivalent of that of Joseph for Mary), SHE CUT ME OFF ABRUPTLY when the history of the betrayal fully penetrated her awareness on the grounds that if she came to allow herself to love and commit to ME, she could again be betrayed. The promise of the love and goodness of what we felt and had the right to contract was not enough to over-ride her fear.

Not only did she cut ME off, several years later she told me she also broke off another engagement just prior to a planned wedding. I found out a month ago when re-thinking the whole thing and tracing where she might be now, many years later, that she never remarried, and is now living with her 86 year old father. And she never changed her name back to her maiden name, but kept the name of the husband who had ditched her with the three kids.

I cannot begin to fathom the pain she must have felt, except to say that it must have been beyond explanation, and it took me a full five years of intense pain to get past the “crisis of suffering” the breakup caused ME (not to include the additional years where the pain remained but took a back seat of a kind), and as I said, I still think of what we could have had and I never did find again. And it is now 24 years ago this month when all that occurred.

Love is expensive. You must often be reminded of the “Better to have loved and lost…” thingee. Probably you have concluded “whoever wrote that didn’t know what the hell he was talking about!”

PS: I have never betrayed anyone, much less a wife. And if you pray for a good man, Jesus IS INTERESTED in fulfilling your prayer. He said something to the effect, “Ask for what you wish and it will be granted.” Seems He might be believable, no?

 

[Kimothy80]

I read into your post that you were cynical about the Church: my misunderstanding.

Can’t blame you for deep cynicism about men: but not all are untrustworthy.

I conceived a love for a woman many years ago who had recently been abandoned by a philandering husband – leaving her with three children under 7 YO, the youngest less than two years old - and while the relationship we developed in a short time was unquestionably blessed, divine in its sublimity, and about as pure and holy as human love can be (I often felt it to be the equivalent of that of Joseph for Mary), SHE CUT ME OFF ABRUPTLY when the history of the betrayal fully penetrated her awareness on the grounds that if she came to allow herself to love and commit to ME, she could again be betrayed. The promise of the love and goodness of what we felt and had the right to contract was not enough to over-ride her fear.

Not only did she cut ME off, several years later she told me she also broke off another engagement just prior to a planned wedding. I found out a month ago when re-thinking the whole thing and tracing where she might be now, many years later, that she never remarried, and is now living with her 86 year old father. And she never changed her name back to her maiden name, but kept the name of the husband who had ditched her with the three kids.

I cannot begin to fathom the pain she must have felt, except to say that it must have been beyond explanation, and it took me a full five years of intense pain to get past the “crisis of suffering” the breakup caused ME (not to include the additional years where the pain remained but took a back seat of a kind), and as I said, I still think of what we could have had and I never did find again. And it is now 24 years ago this month when all that occurred.

Love is expensive. You must often be reminded of the “Better to have loved and lost…” thingee. Probably you have concluded “whoever wrote that didn’t know what the hell he was talking about!”

PS: I have never betrayed anyone, much less a wife. And if you pray for a good man, Jesus IS INTERESTED in fulfilling your prayer. He said something to the effect, “Ask for what you wish and it will be granted.” Seems He might be believable, no?

George~that story just about broke my heart!!

 

[CountrySinger]

I read into your post that you were cynical about the Church: my misunderstanding.

Can’t blame you for deep cynicism about men: but not all are untrustworthy.

I conceived a love for a woman many years ago who had recently been abandoned by a philandering husband – leaving her with three children under 7 YO, the youngest less than two years old - and while the relationship we developed in a short time was unquestionably blessed, divine in its sublimity, and about as pure and holy as human love can be (I often felt it to be the equivalent of that of Joseph for Mary), SHE CUT ME OFF ABRUPTLY when the history of the betrayal fully penetrated her awareness on the grounds that if she came to allow herself to love and commit to ME, she could again be betrayed. The promise of the love and goodness of what we felt and had the right to contract was not enough to over-ride her fear.

Not only did she cut ME off, several years later she told me she also broke off another engagement just prior to a planned wedding. I found out a month ago when re-thinking the whole thing and tracing where she might be now, many years later, that she never remarried, and is now living with her 86 year old father. And she never changed her name back to her maiden name, but kept the name of the husband who had ditched her with the three kids.

I cannot begin to fathom the pain she must have felt, except to say that it must have been beyond explanation, and it took me a full five years of intense pain to get past the “crisis of suffering” the breakup caused ME (not to include the additional years where the pain remained but took a back seat of a kind), and as I said, I still think of what we could have had and I never did find again. And it is now 24 years ago this month when all that occurred.

Love is expensive. You must often be reminded of the “Better to have loved and lost…” thingee. Probably you have concluded “whoever wrote that didn’t know what the hell he was talking about!”

PS: I have never betrayed anyone, much less a wife. And if you pray for a good man, Jesus IS INTERESTED in fulfilling your prayer. He said something to the effect, “Ask for what you wish and it will be granted.” Seems He might be believable, no?

That story is really sad. :hug1:

For me, every broken heart leaves me more and more cynical, so the “better to have loved and lost… blah blah blah Hallmark crud” doesn’t work. Every broken heart is just another layer of defense put up. I’m thinking of adding armed guards to it next time.

 

[grndslm]

This is an excellent thread. Thanks, OP!!

I haven’t read the majority of this thread, but I’ll speak my piece, nonetheless.

Some people say that there isn’t a way to socialize with more Catholics. But aren’t there singles groups at your church?? I understand you might not necessarily be looking for a life partner, but singles groups are an option.

And if you’d prefer singles and couples… mostly just a group with certain age range… why not start the group yourself??

Passing out flyers to a “society” that you just created, designed for the exact group your looking for is a surefire way to meet people. Most people just need an opener to break the ice… and “Hey, you should consider hanging out with a few other people our age in, oh, about 60 minutes” is really about as good as it gets.

I almost feel like becoming Catholic just so I can start such a group for 20-something year olds, myself. I’m always looking for new friends, but I don’t always look in the best places.

 

[valient_Lucy]

The problem I find with those groups is that, while they can introduce you to very nice people, if we’re looking for someone to date we’re not just interested in someone who is nice. Now if there was a “Young Adult Catholic Bowling League” maybe I might be interested, but just my average bowling league isn’t going to introduce me to devout Catholic girls. There’s no shortage of places to meet girls. There’s a shortage of places to meet Catholic girls. I think it’d be good for The Church to have such meet-ups. Catholic couples produce Catholic marriages and Catholic children. Mixed marriages…maybe not.
This whole thread is almost exactly what I’d want from a young adult group. Conversational, relaxed, blunt conversation about things we face as Young Catholics. If only we all belonged to the same parish!

:clapping:

Thanks Rawb, for summing up my thoughts. I could have dated several guys by this point, none of whom ever attend church or think there is the slightest thing wrong with premarital sex. But what would be the point? Why date someone if I know that at some point, we’re just going to end up fighting about having sex before marriage?

Yes, Rawb, it IS a shame that we don’t all belong to the same parish, or at least the same diocese! Then we could meet up regularly for discussions!