Single People = Invisible?

[Serap]

Ughh…I so feel your pain! I have a big Irish family with 6 aunts who sound a lot like yours. They were always the ones at family reunions and holidays to ask me if I was seeing anyone, if not then why not, and didn’t I realize that I’m not getting any younger?? Of course they’re the first to point out if I’d gained a few pounds since the last time they saw me.

Respectfully, I gotta say that your aunt doesn’t know what she’s talking about. General statements like that are never true. And I agree with Serap that it’s not even close to being “too late” for you. It sounds like you don’t believe that now, which is good, but I just don’t want you to start having those thoughts if you haven’t found your husband in the next few years.

I was in your shoes, in my late 20’s I was single and wanted nothing more than to get married and start a family. It’s what I always wanted. I prayed and prayed about it, my family prayed about it. Finally, I sort of gave up. I prayed to God that I was done fighting and that I wanted His will to be done…And even if that meant I was to be single the rest of my life, I would accept that. It’s an extremely hard thing to do for people like you and me, who have always felt called to marriage and motherhood. So then, after that…I didn’t take myself off the market, but I stopped being desperate and lonely. I just refused to indulge those feelings at all. It got easier with practice.

I met my fiance when I had just turned 30, and it was one of those things that neither of us were in *any way *looking for…Our attachment was immediate and things just took off on their own momentum. We very strongly felt the hand of God leading us, and still do. I think that this all started happening right after I decided that ultimately, it was all in God’s hands and I trusted him to provide. And he did!

awww that’s a nice story!

I did the opposite of you…I meditated every evening about the kind of man I was going to meet and I visualized our family and our happiness. I then prayed to God that these are the things I wanted and I trusted He would make it so. I met my husband after 4 months of this meditation and prayer.

BTW EVERY SINGLE PERSON…I just wanted to mention that our parish has a JAG group. (JUST ADULTS GROUP). They get together and have dinners and dancing at banquet halls, they go to movies, etc. This is not just for singles; married people go too, but you have to be at least 19 years old. It has been very successful in our parish and it also gives singles a chance to meet eachother.

Have any of you singles thought of organizing this at your parish? Just a thought. Don’t give up on our church. That would be so sad!!!

 

[CountrySinger]

My parish does have agroup similar to that, but it is overrun with married people. So it is hard to feel welcome when it looks like Noah’s Ark, lol.
A side note, I’ve notice that people that people who got married later tend to have more understanding of single people. And people who married early tend to be the first ones to call us whiny, selfish, lazy, ungrateful, etc. This is a broad thought, I know whatevergirl got married young, but she was very caring. I’ve noticed this in my friends as well. Because you never felt the lonliness, pain, and exclusion doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. And it doesn’t mean people who do are weak.

 

[Epistemes]

This thread is both hilarious and pathetic.

The single people in this thread, finding an avenue for catharsis and sympathy (and yes, some bickering), are being told to ‘can it’ and ‘get over themselves’ by married people or those in relationships.

The irony is so thick that I’m choking.

 

[Serap]

Hey I have a funny story, but at the time I felt humiliated and ###### !!! (can’t use that word on CAF)

I had just turned 30 and I was at my dad’s place. His wife is Hungarian and her sister is a total BEEP…so anyway, I was at the bbq and this lady turns to me and asks me if I have a boyfriend and am I going to get married, etc.

Then she turns around and tells me that the men my age will want someone younger than me and that I’ve lost my chance to marry a man my age Then she continues to say that she has a divorced neighbour who is 55 years old who she wanted to set me up with. The guy was my dad’s age!!!

I told her no thanks and I don’t know why, but I remained calm and polite with her. I guess I didn’t want to make a scene. Then I went home and cried the whole night in my bed. I couldn’t believe that this old BEEP wanted to set me up with a man 25 years older than me!!!

So the moral of the story is…don’t listen to those old miserable biddies who have nothing to do than make you feel like ****. They are just being mean…plane and simple.

So to go on with my story, about 6 months later, I met my future DH. It was Easter and my DH being Italian wanted to wait a while before we did the parent meeting thing which I was all for too b/c I didn’t want to jump into anything either. So 4 months into our relationship I’m at my family’s Easter party and that same BEEP says to me, “Why isn’t your new boyfriend here?” I told her that he was with his family and she says, “I heard he’s Italian. You know that Italian men don’t marry “mungia cakes”.”

Meaning that b/c I’m not Italian he would never marry me and he was just having “fun” with me.

I just looked at her in disbelief and said, “Well I’m not ready to introduce him to you guys. I want to make sure he’s right for me first.”

I could have given her a swift mighty kick where the sun don’t shine…I was MAD

Well, I proved that BEEP wrong and she came to my wedding 5 years later and acted all happy for me. I just thought in my head, “IN YOUR FACE YOU BEEP!!!”

 

[CarolAnnSFO]

This thread is both hilarious and pathetic.

The single people in this thread, finding an avenue for catharsis and sympathy (and yes, some bickering), are being told to ‘can it’ and ‘get over themselves’ by married people or those in relationships.

The irony is so thick that I’m choking.

Me too.

I think one reason single people seem so invisible is that everyone assumes that being single is just a temporary state, which will end by the time a person is 30 or so. We get fed lies such as “there is someone for everyone.” Well, there isn’t, especially if you are a woman. Adult women outnumber adult men (the older you get, the more lopsided it is), so it stands to reason some of us will be left out. For some of us, God’s plan includes never being married, even if we aren’t priests or religious sisters or brothers. We might as well live our lives the way they are, instead of putting ourselves into some sort of waiting-to-get-married holding pattern.

I know plenty of women my age and older (I’m late 50s) who have never been married. I can’t speak for them; I can only speak for myself, but I am tired of being invisible. I am not going away, and when it comes to Church and Church activities, I am going to be larger than life and IN YOUR FACE. I’m not going to hide in a corner, and I’m not going to hide the fact that I’ve never been married. I will brush off idiotic stereotypes such as “people who stay single do so because they are selfish”. If it makes some people uncomfortable, too bad!

Fortunately for me, my current parish is very accepting of all kinds of people – single, married, with or without children, young, old, disabled, etc. I can’t say the same for my previous parish. That’s why I don’t live there any more.

 

[Matrix_Refugee]

I’ll settle! As long as the man has a pulse! I don’t want the single woman’s role! I want companionship! I want a husband.
I thought I would become a nun, but I’m not holy enough. So I pulled out my application for the order I was applying to. I know I would have gotten accepted. But they would have found out I’m not holy and kicked me out.
I would much rather be miserable and married, than miserable and single.

I think you need to really think about what you posted there. Think of the cases of domestic violence and murder, where a woman got seriously injured or killed by her husband or boyfriend. If you settle on the first guy who comes along, you may be setting yourself up for a really nasty fall that could cost you your health or your life. I’m not saying all guys are mean jerks who will string you up by the ankles and use you as a punching bag, but if you’re that desperate, you could end up as a victim.

And then there’s the cases of emotional abuse, which can be just as damaging as physical abuse It’s not worth it. It’s not worth settling for the first guy who comes along, only to find out he’s a control freak or he’s obsessive and wants you all to yourself to the point that he alienates you from your family and friends. I’m speaking from the voice of experience here, because I was just the way you are. I was so desperate to be married that I settled for the first guy who made me feel special… only to pay the price of finding out he was a manipulative control freak who dominated every aspect of my life. Don’t make the mistake I did: this happened to me ten years ago, and I still feel the pain of what I went through.

 

[Matrix_Refugee]

This thread is both hilarious and pathetic.

The single people in this thread, finding an avenue for catharsis and sympathy (and yes, some bickering), are being told to ‘can it’ and ‘get over themselves’ by married people or those in relationships.

The irony is so thick that I’m choking.

You and me both, and I’m one of the single people who feel invisible.

Trust me, I’ve heard it all: “When are you gonna find a nice Catholic man, get married, and have kids, MR?” When I can find a guy who likes me for my mind and not just my body, and when babies come with a volume control on their voicebox so my brain doesn’t explode when they cry.

“Okay, how about becoming a nun? You’d make a great nun!” I tried applying to a Visitation Sisters convent, since they tend to take disabled women or ones whose health isn’t the most optimal, but as soon as I told them I had Asperger’s Syndrome, which is a form of autism, they stopped replying to my letters and messages.

 

[Ailina]

This thread is both hilarious and pathetic.

The single people in this thread, finding an avenue for catharsis and sympathy (and yes, some bickering), are being told to ‘can it’ and ‘get over themselves’ by married people or those in relationships.

The irony is so thick that I’m choking.

Sigh, I wasn’t married until I was 29, so I guess that put me in “Old Maid” territory for years.. I am now in my late 40s and divorced, which makes me single again. Plus I have kids to raise, mostly on my own. So not much time to look out for you single folks, sorry.

From what I have seen in my diocese since divorcing is that there are resources for single AND divorced people, organized by people who themselves are single and divorced because they recognized a need in the diocese, and stepped up to the plate to organized something. Why? Because, being in that situation, they recognized a need that others who were not in that situation did not, and DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Instead of whining and complaining, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! That is what the single and divorced people in my city have done. There is a group for single people (some of whom met through the organization and are now married) that do all kinds of things together because they THEMSELVES have organized it. They meet weekly or monthly; they do all kinds of things together, from potluck suppers to movies to outdoor activities.

Ditto for the divorced folks, who have to go through that life-shaking experience. I found out about an organization for divorced Catholics, run by other divorced Catholics, because if there is a group that really feels left out by the church, it is those whose marriages have failed. . I am now a facilitator for that same group. Why? Because I recognize there are others who are also just fresh to the shock of divorce and need help, support and a listening ear. And guess what? You can meet and make friends through such organizations, people in the same boat as you.

Whining online and not reaching out is never going to change the situation, is it? How is that working for you singles? Not so well, I’ll bet. So DO something about it, sheesh!!!

 

[Norseman82]

Sigh, I wasn’t married until I was 29, so I guess that put me in “Old Maid” territory for years.. I am now in my late 40s and divorced, which makes me single again. Plus I have kids to raise, mostly on my own. So not much time to look out for you single folks, sorry.

From what I have seen in my diocese since divorcing is that there are resources for single AND divorced people, organized by people who themselves are single and divorced because they recognized a need in the diocese, and stepped up to the plate to organized something. Why? Because, being in that situation, they recognized a need that others who were not in that situation did not, and DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Instead of whining and complaining, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! That is what the single and divorced people in my city have done. There is a group for single people (some of whom met through the organization and are now married) that do all kinds of things together because they THEMSELVES have organized it. They meet weekly or monthly; they do all kinds of things together, from potluck suppers to movies to outdoor activities.

Ditto for the divorced folks, who have to go through that life-shaking experience. I found out about an organization for divorced Catholics, run by other divorced Catholics, because if there is a group that really feels left out by the church, it is those whose marriages have failed. . I am now a facilitator for that same group. Why? Because I recognize there are others who are also just fresh to the shock of divorce and need help, support and a listening ear. And guess what? You can meet and make friends through such organizations, people in the same boat as you.

Whining online and not reaching out is never going to change the situation, is it? How is that working for you singles? Not so well, I’ll bet. So DO something about it, sheesh!!!

The problem is, though, that, until recently, the focus of most single/young adult activities I’ve witnessed seemed to be more to keep you as a “happy single” as opposed to helping you meet someone compatible. It has left a bitter taste in some of us.

How I wish the National Catholic Singles Conferences were around 10 years earlier…

 

[Epistemes]

Whining online and not reaching out is never going to change the situation, is it? How is that working for you singles? Not so well, I’ll bet. So DO something about it, sheesh!!!

I don’t understand where this stereotype is coming from - namely, the stereotype that we singles aren’t “reaching out.” What sort of logic is that? The you’re-still-single-so-you-must-be-a-social-retard type of logic?

I’m not aiming this only specifically at you, Ailina, but to the many others in this thread who’ve espoused such a similar view. I, for one, don’t get it.

There’s also this presumption that every vicariate or diocese (do you know how LARGE *my *diocese is? ) has at least one parish which sponsors a singles get-together.

Wait – so, just because one person has great success in attending Catholic single get-togethers means all Catholics singles will have equal success? Or, wait, just because you found the love of your life on avemariasingles.com means that I’m going find true love there, as well?

Where exactly are married people getting off saying, “You’re not trying hard enough”?

“Oh, but Epistemes, listen to how bitter you sound! You might want to re-evaluate how you approach people because you’re probably single because you’re so bitter and angry! Have you considered the possibility that…???”

If there is a single person in this thread who honestly hasn’t tried “hard enough” (by whatever standards that may be), please step forward…

 

[KEVIN_WILCOX]

It is a matter of self-responsibility: If a person labels themselves as “a single person” that is what a person will see; and operate from this label. Every interaction a justification for this description. As a Christian we have so many more from which to choose (for example, a member of the body of Christ; one of the many chicks gathered beneath a mother hen; a bear cub protected by a mother bear; a lily of the field…there are many more besides ‘a single person’). Each of us responds to the world according to our perception of it. Remember, God is a God of love and it is He who has called you into His Presence…you have a right to be here; your Father said so and was prepared to kill his Son for it.

 

[CarolAnnSFO]

Another aspect of single peoples’ invisibility – it seems it’s OK to be single only if it is likely that you will get married some day. You’re supposed to run yourself ragged trying to get dates, going onto the dating websites, spending all the free time you don’t have attending one social gig after another in this desperate, frantic attempt to find somebody. This didn’t even work in my old parish, because single people over the age of 21 were as rare as hen’s teeth.

Well, I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m done trying. Men aren’t looking for women my age, especially men who want children. If God wants me to be married, He will put the right man in my path, but meanwhile, I’m living my life, not waiting for who-knows-what. The world just may be STUCK with me as a permanent single (and I’m not the only one), and I’m NOT invisible to people who value me for whatever gifts I have (like my church choir, or the SFO). As for the people who can’t see past the fact that I am not, and have never been married, and are agitated because I refuse to “fit in”, well, their opinions don’t matter to me.

By the way, I agree with Epistemes – I’m flabbergasted by the stereotype that if we aren’t married, we must be living the life of a hermit – that’s ridiculous! It’s just one more stereotype about single people, like we are selfish, we have all this free time (oh really?), and we’re loaded with money (huh?) But just because we “get out there” doesn’t mean we will meet a potential spouse. Most of the “meet someone” opportunities are aimed at young people (unless you expect me to attend those singles’ dances where the air is thick with cigarette smoke, the 1970s disco music is loud enough to bust an eardrum, and the “meat market” is in full swing – uh, no thank you).

I’ve gone to plenty of social occasions, and I’ve met lots of women, married people, single men discerning a religious vocation, and men looking for young chicks to date – no potential husbands for me there, really. By the time you get to be my age, the supply is pretty well dried-up! My church has singles gatherings, for up to age 35 – oops, I’m too old. Like I said, I’m done searching, and was done a long time ago. I got tired of wasting time in this fruitless effort, and would rather concentrate on living my life and growing my faith.

 

[ac_claire]

Hey I have a funny story, but at the time I felt humiliated and ###### !!! (can’t use that word on CAF)

I had just turned 30 and I was at my dad’s place. His wife is Hungarian and her sister is a total BEEP…so anyway, I was at the bbq and this lady turns to me and asks me if I have a boyfriend and am I going to get married, etc.

Then she turns around and tells me that the men my age will want someone younger than me and that I’ve lost my chance to marry a man my age Then she continues to say that she has a divorced neighbour who is 55 years old who she wanted to set me up with. The guy was my dad’s age!!!

I told her no thanks and I don’t know why, but I remained calm and polite with her. I guess I didn’t want to make a scene. Then I went home and cried the whole night in my bed. I couldn’t believe that this old BEEP wanted to set me up with a man 25 years older than me!!!

So the moral of the story is…don’t listen to those old miserable biddies who have nothing to do than make you feel like ****. They are just being mean…plane and simple.

So to go on with my story, about 6 months later, I met my future DH. It was Easter and my DH being Italian wanted to wait a while before we did the parent meeting thing which I was all for too b/c I didn’t want to jump into anything either. So 4 months into our relationship I’m at my family’s Easter party and that same BEEP says to me, “Why isn’t your new boyfriend here?” I told her that he was with his family and she says, “I heard he’s Italian. You know that Italian men don’t marry “mungia cakes”.”

Meaning that b/c I’m not Italian he would never marry me and he was just having “fun” with me.

I just looked at her in disbelief and said, “Well I’m not ready to introduce him to you guys. I want to make sure he’s right for me first.”

I could have given her a swift mighty kick where the sun don’t shine…I was MAD

Well, I proved that BEEP wrong and she came to my wedding 5 years later and acted all happy for me. I just thought in my head, “IN YOUR FACE YOU BEEP!!!”

LOL wow, and I thought I had it bad with my Irish aunts! I’m glad it did all work out in the end. You know what the irony is…(at least this has been the case with my own lovely, insanely meddling older relatives; might not be true for yours)…They truly do think they’re helping us. Same with the “oh have you gained a few pounds?” thing. Then, when you lose the weight or end up getting married, etc…I think they sorta see that as confirmation that they were doing the right thing by pushing the issue and NOT minding their own business.

 

[havana1]

My church has singles gatherings, for up to age 35 – oops, I’m too old. Like I said, I’m done searching, and was done a long time ago. I got tired of wasting time in this fruitless effort, and would rather concentrate on living my life and growing my faith.

Who decided 35 was a cut-off for Catholic singles? The Catholic parishes here that have any acknowledgment for singles are either cut off at 35, or 35+, no in-betweens. For the “Well, Why Don’t You Start Something At Your Parish” people, it just so happens that I am doing what I can on meetup.com. I don’t need any parish approval, don’t need any diocesan approval… so, I do hope board moderators please permit me to plug meetup.com (pretty please?), because it really is one of the few resource available for 35+ single Catholics, or young adult Catholics of any age. Meetup is to young adult Catholics what Wal-Mart is to people in Aberdeen, Washington. (If you don’t ‘get’ that analogy, you’re likely older and married.) So, that’s my recommendation to single Catholics: let your presence be known on Meetup.

I’m done looking, too. I live my own life and remain open to God’s will. For the Catholic women praying for more men at church, I’m a revert who came back in July. Neither am I hermit. Quentin Tarantino has a rule about not dating women who don’t like “Rio Bravo.” So, too, do I have a rule: I am so wary of “dating” that I have not been on a “date” date in over a year. I mostly go to events in groups. I hate first dates and I hate having to avoid telling Catholic singles about some of my favorite films because of all the stereotypes associated with being a “Catholic single.”

And it’s NOT a “vocation” for me. I don’t think a lot of people realize just how insulting and insensitive it is to tell single people, “Oh, it’s a vocation.” And with such broad generalization, too. Maybe it is for some singles, and fair enough, it’s fine to point it out. It certainly isn’t a vocation for all singles, no matter how sincerely you wish to re-define or re-brand or re-classify your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

 

[CountrySinger]

The single life isn’t a vocation for me. I don’t think God would allow a vocation that would make someone miserable and bitter or feel like they are a never ending “Sex and The City” episode. I’m so busy with work, trying to meet ANYONE, volunteering, mass, running a youth group, singing, etc, that I don’t realize how miserable I am until the end of the day (wake up 5 am, sleep at 12 am-1 am). It is how I get through the day. If didn’t have everything, I would mope around. Some days I’m too tired to be sad. Am I a good enough single person now?

One more thing, I think everyone needs to vent sometimes. If someone started a thread saying that their husband was frustrating them, and someone said “can it”, or “get over yourself”, they would be attacked.

 

[Norseman82]

I think you need to really think about what you posted there. Think of the cases of domestic violence and murder, where a woman got seriously injured or killed by her husband or boyfriend. If you settle on the first guy who comes along, you may be setting yourself up for a really nasty fall that could cost you your health or your life. I’m not saying all guys are mean jerks who will string you up by the ankles and use you as a punching bag, but if you’re that desperate, you could end up as a victim.

And then there’s the cases of emotional abuse, which can be just as damaging as physical abuse It’s not worth it. It’s not worth settling for the first guy who comes along, only to find out he’s a control freak or he’s obsessive and wants you all to yourself to the point that he alienates you from your family and friends. I’m speaking from the voice of experience here, because I was just the way you are. I was so desperate to be married that I settled for the first guy who made me feel special… only to pay the price of finding out he was a manipulative control freak who dominated every aspect of my life. Don’t make the mistake I did: this happened to me ten years ago, and I still feel the pain of what I went through.

Here’s the problem:

At the National Catholic Singles Conference this year, Christopher West compared choosing bad/sinful relationships to choosing junk food over healthy food. He then said that when someone is really hungry/starving, they will take junk food if no healthy food is available.

Yes, people are THAT hungry.

Am I justifying “junk food”? No, but I am calling for more “healthy food” to be made available to us, and quickly!

 

[Norseman82]

If someone started a thread saying that their husband was frustrating them, and someone said “can it”, or “get over yourself”, they would be attacked.

Maybe we should give some of those mean-spirited people “a taste of their own medicine” so they can see just how mean they are. I know I did that once and that got the message across to a poster.

 

[Ailina]

I don’t understand where this stereotype is coming from - namely, the stereotype that we singles aren’t “reaching out.” What sort of logic is that? The you’re-still-single-so-you-must-be-a-social-retard type of logic?

I’m not aiming this only specifically at you, Ailina, but to the many others in this thread who’ve espoused such a similar view. I, for one, don’t get it.

There’s also this presumption that every vicariate or diocese (do you know how LARGE *my *diocese is? ) has at least one parish which sponsors a singles get-together.

Wait – so, just because one person has great success in attending Catholic single get-togethers means all Catholics singles will have equal success? Or, wait, just because you found the love of your life on avemariasingles.com means that I’m going find true love there, as well?

Where exactly are married people getting off saying, “You’re not trying hard enough”?

“Oh, but Epistemes, listen to how bitter you sound! You might want to re-evaluate how you approach people because you’re probably single because you’re so bitter and angry! Have you considered the possibility that…???”

If there is a single person in this thread who honestly hasn’t tried “hard enough” (by whatever standards that may be), please step forward…

Well, hmmm…I’ve been single for the past three years, and have yet to date (of course, that is because I am not annulled, but still waiting for the Tribunal to come to a decision). Before that, I had a pretty lonely marriage due to a spouse who turned away years ago. Not all the marrieds are that smug, ya know!. Maybe I’m enjoying this singles life a bit too much, but I find that I am pursuing interests that I gave up when I married 19 years ago. I don’t sit at home waiting for someone to come into my life, because I want to enjoy the time I have when my kids are with their dad. And that’s another thing, the chances of someone wanting to marry 40 something year old me, the mom of two teens and a pre-teen, is not very likely any time soon. My prospects are very dim indeed.

Since being single, I have met lots of single people who aren’t sitting around moping over their singleness. They are out there doing things they enjoy doing because they have the time. They are volunteering because they have the time. They are busy with other friends, who introduce them to yet other friends. They have way more time for socializing than people with children to raise, in my opinion. But it’s a case of the grass is greener, I suppose.

And I have to say that married people also do a lot of volunteering in their childrens activities, either at school or in the extra-curriculars. Perhaps they can’t do as much volunteering at church because of the number of children they have. Who would take care of them if their parents were off elsewhere in the church?

 

[CountrySinger]

Maybe we should give some of those mean-spirited people “a taste of their own medicine” so they can see just how mean they are. I know I did that once and that got the message across to a poster.

I don’t think I could ever do that. I just found out that one of the women who treated me the worst at church is getting divorced. Her husband was found with a male escort. I’ll admit, I laughed (this woman has given me nothing but grief), but thought to myself, this is when I can show her true kindness. It won’t be easy.

 

[ML561]

Grace and Peace be with you. I take exception to those posters who accused you of being whiny. In my view they are judging you without understanding where you are coming from. I am a single person who is fortunate enough to find happiness in a number of church ministries–volunteering for funeral lunches, working as a receptionist, making lunches for the homeless, writing for the church newsletter, and other activities. I also participate in community activities outside the church. My life is full, but sometimes I do get lonely. I also see and am friends with many people in the parish who are single and lead very full lives. Perhaps your parish does not recognize the wonderful gifts that single people are able to provide, or perhaps you are lonely at this time and need a friend to help you . My parish has a wonderful program called BeFriender. This is for lonely, homebound, sick, or people new to the parish who feel disconnected from others. All one needs to do is call the rectory and they will put you in touch with someone who will talk to you by phone or come and visit. I will pray for you. Please call 402-551-2313, ask for the BeFrienders.