spooning

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SamSmith

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I have been married to my wife for 12 years.

A few days ago, my wife made a comment in passing to my young son about bad things I was doing to her at night. She normally goes to bed several hours after me, and IIRC she was explaining why she goes to bed so much later than me.

I was confused about what she meant by this.

It turns out a few nights ago I spooned with her. This means I layed close to her with her butt in my lap while she was in bed with me. I did not dry hump her, nor did I grope her. I did stroke her thigh a little, and her back.

To my recollection this was the first time I had done this in a week. It may have lasted a few minutes.

I don’t spoon with her very often, I would say perhaps several times a month - if that. She normally doesn’t like it, she complains that I am too hot, my breath smells etc.

I should point out that perhaps every month or two I will grope her while spooning - IE touch her breast, before I get a big sigh from her, and I get discouraged and roll over.

I asked her how frequently she thought I spooned with her - she said the frequency is 3 times a week. Unless I am doing this in my sleep I don’t believe she is accurate. I have learned to keep my distance from her in bed, but unfortunately I do slip up from time to time.

I would also like to point out that frequently when I do spoon with her and grope her it is with the hope that it will lead to marital relations. She is menopausal and complains about hot flashes, irregular and heavy periods frequently; however it seems to me that she was like this before she started menopause.

So far this year we have had marital relations twice - once on our anniversary!!!:).

Now my question is - is spooning a bad thing? Is this something I should confess? Am I being selfish in this desire?
 
I do not think you have to confess spooning your wife! It is not a sin, but a natural gesture of closeness. As the fall weather creeps in, my husband and I find ourselves waking up in all tangled up more and more. It is perfectly natural for you to seek out the warm spouse next to you, even when you are asleep.
If your wife has an issue with you spooning her, I think she is in need of some counseling. I understand not wanting to be coddled too much during hot flashes, but it sounds like she is rejecting you. If a man is not welcomed to snuggle with his wife - there is a big issue going on. The brain has wonderful responses to touch, which include bonding and security. You should not be denied this, and your wife should not be denying herself this benefit either.
 
I felt sad for you while reading your post. My wife wishes that I spooned with her more often.

I agree with MercyMia. It is reasonable to not want to snuggle if she is hot. It is also reasonable that she might be irritated if the only time you paid attention to her in bed was when you wanted sex (does not sound like the case based on your description). But as described, it sounds like a general dislike to be close to her husband…and I would try to figure out why that is.
 
I have to wonder why your wife would bring this up to your young son. :eek: I think I’d be mortified if my mother made such a comment to me.
 
SamSmith said:
A few days ago, my wife made a comment in passing to my young son about bad things I was doing to her at night. She normally goes to bed several hours after me, and IIRC she was explaining why she goes to bed so much later than me.
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The other posters had some good advice so I won’t add to it. But what really jumped out at me was your 2nd sentence. Your wife told your “young son” that you were doing “bad things”!? Not only is it highly inappropriate for her to make that sort of comment to a child, it is in itself a huge clue to her frame of mind. You need to have a talk to her, preferably with a counseller present. She is giving your son a terrible message (1) that his father is someone who would do bad things to his mother, and (2) that marital sex is a “bad thing”. She needs to know that this could do serious damage to his emotional/mental health.
 
Seagal…good point. I glazed over that tidbit.
It is very out of place for her to be discussing what happens between the two of you in your bedroom once the lights are out.
If she is saying these things to your son, she is setting him up for intimacy disfucntions and a distorted view of sex and affection. This needs to be corrected, ASAP.
If she is trying to pit your son against you in some way, as though he needs to protect Mommy from big, bad daddy - you may need to investigate that she suffers from a personality disorder.
 
Rico_S said:
I felt sad for you while reading your post. My wife wishes that I spooned with her more often.

I agree with MercyMia. It is reasonable to not want to snuggle if she is hot. It is also reasonable that she might be irritated if the only time you paid attention to her in bed was when you wanted sex (does not sound like the case based on your description). But as described, it sounds like a general dislike to be close to her husband…and I would try to figure out why that is.
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I agree I felt sad for you too 😦 I guess I can understand if she really doesn’t feel well, but even so she should realize you are only trying to show your affection for her. It seems strange that she would be angry about it, even if she’s not feeling in the mood for it.
Joe_5859 said:
I have to wonder why your wife would bring this up to your young son. :eek: I think I’d be mortified
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if my mother made such a comment to me.

I’d be beyond mortified! :eek::blush:It’s very inappropriate her talking to your son that way. If she has an issue with you she should be talking to you. Involving kids in marital issues is a bad idea. Your son should not have to hear that kind of thing. I think a good old sit down and lets hash this out is in order.

OP you said your wife has been like this for awhile, even before beginning menopause…has she seen a doctor and ruled out any hormonal imbalances or other health issues, depression etc? Is she on medication that might make her feel this way?
 
Consider getting the book Holy Sex! A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving and reading it with your wife. It changed my marriage! Intimacy issues, as the book says, often point to underlying issues that must be resolved with the marriage. You are being a saint, it sounds like, for being so respectful of her. But such a lack of desire for any intimacy is never, in my mind, an isolated issue. I will pray for you two.
 
I have to agree with the previous psoters. I too felt a little sad reading your post. It did, however, give me a really warm feeling about my relationship with my wife. I am generally a very affectionate person and so is my wife. I hug her, kiss her, and tell her I love her all the time. It’s the last thing I do before leaving the house (no matter how small or short the errand) and the first thing I do when arriving. I treat my kids the same way. I think it’s important for our kids to see us being affectionate with each other, in a non-sexual way, in order to provide a positive example of marriage. Plus, I really like my wife!!

I too was mortified that your wife would say this to her son. I’m not judging. My sensibilities are such that I, nor my wife, would ever discuss any such problems in front of our kids. Luckily, we enjoy a strong spiritual, physical, and practical (i.e., money issues, kid raising issues, etc.) relationship. I consider her my best friend and confidant. Besides the Lord, she’s the only person I trust completely.

I will pray for your marriage, but I agree that there’s a deeper issue which may be part and parcel of the menopause. However, you did say that this was her general attitude even before. I’m no expert, but it sounds like she has intmacy issues.

Lotsa Love and Good luck.
 
So far this year we have had marital relations twice - once on our anniversary!!!:).
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I’m not sure why you’re smiling on this comment. If I was only having marital relations twice a year, I’d have a new wife.

Just as a why of comparison, my wife and I have matched your relations for the in year in the past two days (but it’s been a good week). What you are describing is not a normal situation, and you are giving your kids a distorted view of human sexuality.
 
seagal said:
SamSmith;5900387:
A few days ago, my wife made a comment in passing to my young son about bad things I was doing to her at night. She normally goes to bed several hours after me, and IIRC she was explaining why she goes to bed so much later than me.
The other posters had some good advice so I won’t add to it. But what really jumped out at me was your 2nd sentence. Your wife told your “young son” that you were doing “bad things”!? Not only is it highly inappropriate for her to make that sort of comment to a child, it is in itself a huge clue to her frame of mind. You need to have a talk to her, preferably with a counseller present. She is giving your son a terrible message (1) that his father is someone who would do bad things to his mother, and (2) that marital sex is a “bad thing”. She needs to know that this could do serious damage to his emotional/mental health.
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This was the first thing that stuck out to me as well… my wife would never say something like that to our sons, she might to me though if it bothered her.

In our case we usually co-sleep at least part of the night with whoever is breastfeeding at the time (we have had 4 sons in the past 7 years about 22 months apart each) and we usually have a pillow between myself and my wife / child since I’m a big guy and don’t want to roll over on them or anything. So the early parts of the night, the baby sleeps through most of the night, we love the fact that we might get to snuggle / spoon a little.

If you guys are only renewing your marriage covenant twice a year that could be indicative of a bigger issue and from which this is stemming from. I believe very strongly that a successful Sacramental marriage needs to include displays of Spiritual, Emotional and Physical love often to be healthy. The physical, remember we are physical beings, being a uniting of the emotional and spiritual love.

I would suggest some counseling or a marriage encounter and you might pick up “The Good News about Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West. It’s a good into to Theology of the Body.

Joe
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Other posters have commented on her inappropriate comment to your son.

How are your hygiene issues. If she is sensitive to bad breath, what do you do to make yourself more appealing to her. Maybe that is an issue that has bugged her for years. It can be a real turnoff for some people.

Is the only time you show interest or affection in the bedroom. And it always leads to THAT. Do you ever hug her without expectation that “it’s time now.”? Are you helpful in other areas of her life? Have you tried changing locations… like maybe a shower, where temperatures won’t matter so much?

There’s other issues when she’s turning you down all the time. Her comment to the boy was out of line.
 
*I’m sorry you and your wife are not on the same page sexually, right now. It could be physical on her part…it could be hormonal changes that affect her perception of intimacy. It could be something entirely different. I think there is something underlying, that could be the problem…women get ‘‘turned on’’ mentally first, then emotionally, then physically…maybe something is weighting on her mind. Not knowing your marriage, we can’t say here that it can’t 100% not be you. I don’t know if you have had something bad happen in your marriage to cause your wife to pull away. But, with a good counselor, I think you guys can get through this.

I would not be happy about her telling your son these things though. That is a bit odd.

I will pray that things get better. Personally, I’ll add…that I don’t like ‘‘groping’’ when I’m in a dead sleep, or trying to fall asleep. That is not unusual, if she doesn’t respond to spooning in the way you do. But, other than that, I think there is more likely than not, a reason that is buried in her, regarding intimacy. Unless there is something grave you are leaving out, that you might have done, to cause her distance…then, you will have to find a way to earn her trust back. Without knowing all the details, can only give you so much advice, but hopefully, you and she will figure it out, and find a way to get back on track. I am praying for you both. :console:
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Other posters have commented on her inappropriate comment to your son.

How are your hygiene issues. If she is sensitive to bad breath, what do you do to make yourself more appealing to her. Maybe that is an issue that has bugged her for years. It can be a real turnoff for some people.
**
Is the only time you show interest or affection in the bedroom. And it always leads to THAT. Do you ever hug her without expectation that “it’s time now.”? Are you helpful in other areas of her life? Have you tried changing locations… like maybe a shower, where temperatures won’t matter so much? **

There’s other issues when she’s turning you down all the time. Her comment to the boy was out of line.
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I wondered this myself. (bolded)
 
thanks for the responses.

Let me try to answer these questions.

We have 5 kids. I help out as much as I can. For example, I do the laundry, dishes, and clean up the kids rooms. It often bugs me that I seem to be working harder than her, although she seems to think its the other way around.

I do have bad breath. I have been to see the dentist and doctor about it.I underwent some very painful dental procedures which I hoped would cure it. It appears to be something in my lungs or stomach. I have done everything I can here. I brush and floss daily and brush my tongue too.

I don’t shower every day. Sometimes every 2-3 days - I work from home. Most of the time i leap out of bed and get involved with work issues and don’t notice. I’ll try to work on that problem. Frankly it seemed to me - why bother. She has complained that I will shower when I go to work for the office buddies but not for my own family.

I am not very affectionate with her anymore. Basically she seems angry all the time and I try to stay out of her way as much as possible. It seems I am the bad guy in the relationship, I don’t know why, but it always seems that way to me. I know whatever I do will somehow end up badly.

The kids listen to me, but don’t appear to listen to her. She blames me for not backing her up, but it seems to me that the kids are acting up, I am oblivious to it, and then she yells at me to “do something.”

She seems so angry at me and the world all the time that I frequently get angry at her too. When I get angry I don’t yell or throw things. I just get angry inside.

She complains so much all I can do is sit there and take it.

I do buy her toffee nut frapachinos, and other treats from time to time. I try to get her nice things that I think she would like if I am out.

Regarding something bad happening in the marriage - no. I have been faithful. She once hinted that I was having an affair which was bewildering to me as I was working from home at the time.

Regarding the happy face on the fact that was had relations on our wedding anniversary - well it felt good and was memorable. We normally have relations on our anniversary and she orgasms. This has always confused me that she can orgasm on demand and can put herself in the mood, but seems unable to orgasm at other times.

Did I cover all the questions? I seem to see some problems areas to work on:
  1. hygiene
  2. affection
 
I feel somewhat guilty here as I am possibly not characterizing our relationship correctly.

For example, she does have trust issues with me. She accuses me of lying to her all the time. I might take the kids out shopping and buy then a softdrink and she will get very upset with me if she discovers it, because she does not want them to have softdrinks.

She might ask me if I paid a bill and I’ll say yes, because she will get angry if she discovers I haven’t dropped it in the mail box yet.

I was working for a guy and sent him an inovice. He got very upset about how large the bill was for. I agreed to a cut from $4500 to $3000. She asked me about it and I told her the truth. This was humiliating for me to admit. She expressed disapproval - but did not get as mad as I expected her too. But if something like this happens again, I’ll try to keep her from knowing as I don’t want to handle the grief which will follow from it.

I hope I am characterizing this correctly so you have a better understanding of the trust issues.

However I do appreciate your answers.
 
*Forgive my bluntness today, but as I see it from this additional information you have provided, your wife treats you like a little boy, who needs to be told every move to make, scolded when you disappoint, and you fear her anger. That is not healthy. Since she thinks of you in this light, it is VERY hard for her to become sexual with you. It’s not you, really, but it is the dynamic between you both that is the cause of the problems in bed. When a woman doesn’t respect her husband, it is very hard for her to give herself to him through sex. Your wife doesn’t respect you–you fear her outbursts of anger. She might need some help with anger management, and you need to take a more assertive role as her husband, and leader in the home. Once you resolve those issues, things will flow more naturally in the bedroom. I have a feeling, anyways.

I make it sound so easy, lol…It will take time. But, as long as you fear disappointing your wife over minor things, and as long as she treats you like a child…your bedroom woes will continue. Menopause MIGHT play a role, but it would seem it is more the dynamic between you both.

I hope things get better. :o*
 
thanks Whatever girl.

I appreciate your bluntness.

Again I have some concerns I am not explaining everything correctly.

I’ll think more about what you have said and get back to you and her.

I have often asked her “what was the defining thing I did to make you believe I am a doofus.” and she never answers or laughs it off. But I think your characterization of her attitude to me is correct.

When she accused me of doing things to her at night which were bad, I felt like a young child been chastised.
 
Are you sure she is being faithful? I see a lot of warning signs there. She does not trust you, although - if you’ve been honest with us - have not given her reason to. She delays coming to bed with you by hours, refuses relations, demeans you to your face and in front of the children.

I’d have a hard look around, if I were you, and see what’s really going on. Does she spend a lot of time on the computer or away from home? Does she hide things from you?
 
She has complained that I will shower when I go to work for the office buddies but not for my own family.
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Just from what you have said… I"m sure there is more.

What you have described is someone who doesn’t want you to touch her because in the years of marriage, she has grown to see that you are oblivious to what is going on around you, leaving her to discipline the kids and be the bad guy. You are passive aggressive and when you buy the kids soda even though she says no (for good reason) you make yourself the good guy and her the bad guy.

You will make yourself esthetically pleasing for strangers but walk around smelling for your family. Probably unshaven and in sweats with your hair unwashed and uncombed all day? Teeth brushed? Women are very susceptible to smells. You may not think you smell, but if you’re a grown man, you must shower every day, whether you are going out in public or not. I know men who shower twice a day.

You insult your wife when you do that on a level you don’t appreciate. You basically tell her she is unimportant. But people elsewhere are.

continued…
 
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