Spouses sexual past - need help from spouses with no previous sexual past

  • Thread starter Thread starter Phoenix1
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
P

Phoenix1

Guest
Before I start, I have scoured this website for advice on forgiveness and insecurity regarding my husband’s past. A lot of it has been helpful, people speaking of forgiveness.

Unfortunately, a lot of people have not been helpful. The people who made mistakes regarding premarital sex and then chastise anyone who would have an issue with someone else’s similar mistakes are not helpful. I guess I am calling in for some help from people in my situation - virgins before meeting their spouses and still struggling with the insecurity their spouses sins have created. The insecurity, images, details, jealousy torment me. And then I feel resentment to my husband regarding this issue because he doesn’t have to suffer from images of me or insecurity from my past mistakes.

Right now, I am just wishing I had made the same mistakes, had experiences of my own so I wouldn’t be this insecure mess. I had plenty of chances, I was in a relationship for 4 years that ended right before I met my spouse. My ex and I made the mutual decision to wait for marriage. I had opportunities previously that I turned down because I thought sex was something to only be shared with a spouse. I lost out on my “fun” and now I feel like I’m being punished with insecurities that my spouse does not feel. He has been overall very nice about all of this, saying he regrets what he did. But that doesn’t change the fact that it happened. I continued the relationship because I loved him and assumed a “good” Christian would love him through his past bad decisions. Now I feel even worse, because I am still not over it.

I even bought a $200 course for betrayed spouses from affairs to help me get over this. I figured if someone hurt by an affair got over this, I can too. I guess I am just realizing this should have been a dealbreaker of mine and I should have ended it before.

I am also asking for prayers to help me conquer this.
 
Get some therapy. Seriously, you are not going to find an magic answer here, you need to get to the root of this issue and a therapist can help you.

I find your attitude toward your husband to be very cruel. A course for betrayed spouses??? He didn’t betray you!!

You waited, he didn’t. You knew this. I think you have an over emphasis on sex in marriage if this is such an obsession. He loves you, he married you.

Your insecurities are feeding this, you are in a bad place emotionally and mentally. You are feeding your insecurity by also adding in betrayal and stoking the idea that you “missed out” on “fun” and “deserve” that.

You deserved fun? Transient. Meaningless. Unable to fill up whatever is missing inside you— no, that sort of “fun” is nothing to trade your loving husband for.

I would hope you deserve a husband who loves you and married you, but right now you aren’t acting like it.
 
1ke said:
I find your attitude toward your husband to be very cruel. A course for betrayed spouses??? He didn’t betray you!!
Click to expand...
I see it more as thinking similar ideas may help her get over it rather than her feeling as if her husband has betrayed her.
 
Hi 1ke,

I remember your name from the previous threads where I felt you were just as unhelpful. The poster below is correct, I don’t believe my husband betrayed me but if someone can get over an affair then I should be able to get over this, that was my reasoning for ordering and going through the course.

We actually have done couples therapy due to the lack of communication between my husband and I. He lied to me about several things regarding past relationships, at points where I felt it was too hard to turn back since I was emotionally involved with him and we were engaged (about unprotected sex he engaged in). He also was contacting his most recent ex and lied to me about it, but said it meant nothing since they were “friends with benefits”, he also remained Facebook friends with her which messed with me also.

Our communication is much better but I know my husband is ashamed of his decisions in the past and lied to me so I wouldn’t think so “badly” of him.
 
Last edited:
I wish I was a virgin when I met my partner however that was something that was taken from me and not a gift I could give freely or willingly.
Your husband probably does truly feel bad about not being a virgin when you got married however that is in the past just beacuse there have been others and hes still friends with a couple of exs does not mean that he is going to commit adultery and cheat and if you knew about his past and chose to marry him then you chose to forgive him and accept him for all his mistakes and chose to support him in the future there is nothing that can change the past and if you nag him, fight or argue with him you may push him away
 
Phoenix1 said:
Right now, I am just wishing I had made the same mistakes, had experiences of my own so I wouldn’t be this insecure mess.
Click to expand...
Making mistakes leads to more insecurity, not less. Sexual sin does not lead to happiness. Why on Earth are you thinking that a past full of fornication would make you happy and fulfilled? You missed out on STD’s and unwanted pregnancies. This is a good thing! Yearning after sin is not good for you.

Here is the most useful thing I can tell you: The time to entertain regrets about your husband’s past was before you were married. No one put a gun to your head and told you to marry him even though you didn’t like his sexual history. Now that you have married him, as long as he remains faithful to you any thoughts you have of resentment toward him for having premarital sex, as well as any longings that you have for sex with someone else, are BAD thoughts and need to be rooted out and destroyed.

“But how can I do this?” you ask. The first step is to unflinchingly and uncompromisingly want to do it. When a sinful thought comes into your head, get it out. Pray for forgiveness. Rinse and repeat as often as necessary. You will mess up many times in the course of removing these thoughts; this is okay. Say sorry, move on.

Replace nasty thoughts about what your husband was doing before marriage with thoughts of gratitude for your life together. Think of his good qualities, and thank God for them. When he pops into your head, consciously strive to think lovingly of him.

I wish you luck. One of the problems with sin is that it continues to affect lives even after repentance, as you are seeing. But God can overcome, if you ask Him for help.
 
Well lies are a different matter, and your OP didn’t get at that.

See that’s why you really need to talk to a counselor, alone and as a couple.

This isn’t something simple. This is complex. Full of emotion and many aspects to the story.

I don’t think you will simply find a way to “get over it”. You will have to work through it. It might be a long process. And at the end, you will have to find a way to make peace with it. You do sound like there is a lot of insecurity on your part.
 
Thanks for the thoughtful response. I was hoping for people in my situation to respond on how they worked through it. I guess I just want some hope that this won’t plague me forever.
 
I am going to be blunt here. I suggest you figure out how to resolve this, and quickly. Your husband is going to tire of this. He may decide he has had enough at some point.

With regards to your husband’s lying and holding back from you, that is a different issue than not being at peace that he was sexually experienced at the time you married. Not to make excuses, because there are none, but I can kind of get why he might be tempted to be less than forthright with you considering how your regard his loss of virginity prior to meeting you. On the other side, you need to make it clear to him that lying and contacting ex’s, etc. is unacceptable and will be a dealbreaker if it continues. You deserve to know the truth at all times.

I don’t think any one here can give you the level of help you need. You need some professional help to figure out how to get past this and move forward. You may start with your parish to see if they can refer you to a counselor or therapist. I think @1ke 's advice is spot on.

We all have lived lives by the time we meet our spouses. Most of us don’t dwell on the “sins of the past” if we decide we have met the one we want to spend the rest of our life with. I can only imagine how this makes your husband feel.
 
Last edited:
Phoenix1 said:
He also was contacting his most recent ex and lied to me about it, but said it meant nothing since they were “friends with benefits”, he also remained Facebook friends with her which messed with me also.
Click to expand...
Continued contact would bother me…
 
heidi_storage said:
Making mistakes leads to more insecurity, not less. Sexual sin does not lead to happiness. Why on Earth are you thinking that a past full of fornication would make you happy and fulfilled? You missed out on STD’s and unwanted pregnancies. This is a good thing! Yearning after sin is not good for you.

Here is the most useful thing I can tell you: The time to entertain regrets about your husband’s past was before you were married. No one put a gun to your head and told you to marry him even though you didn’t like his sexual history. Now that you have married him, as long as he remains faithful to you any thoughts you have of resentment toward him for having premarital sex, as well as any longings that you have for sex with someone else, are BAD thoughts and need to be rooted out and destroyed.

“But how can I do this?” you ask. The first step is to unflinchingly and uncompromisingly want to do it. When a sinful thought comes into your head, get it out. Pray for forgiveness. Rinse and repeat as often as necessary. You will mess up many times in the course of removing these thoughts; this is okay. Say sorry, move on.

Replace nasty thoughts about what your husband was doing before marriage with thoughts of gratitude for your life together. Think of his good qualities, and thank God for them. When he pops into your head, consciously strive to think lovingly of him.

I wish you luck. One of the problems with sin is that it continues to affect lives even after repentance, as you are seeing. But God can overcome, if you ask Him for help.
Click to expand...
Thank you, this was very helpful. I guess I wonder is it really that bad if there were no STDs or unwanted pregnancies? This is where I struggle understanding - my husband says it wasn’t fun, but why keep doing it if it wasn’t fun. This wasn’t just one or two mistakes. He didn’t know better even though he grew up in youth groups and his youth pastors told him the consequences of premarital sexual. He knew the consequences, did it anyway, hurt his future spouse, and I feel like he has the audacity to tell me it “wasn’t fun”?? Then I just keep asking why did you do it?

I was mean to him this morning and told him any issues we have with intimacy in our marriage is because of his past. Which I feel is true but was not necessary for me to say. I hesitate to stop bringing this up because I don’t want him to ever forget about much I forgave him for. I am not there yet to “unflinchingly and uncompromisingly” get rid of these feelings.

Anyway, your post has been immensely helpful. I know that virginity does not indicate a successful marriage/relationship other wise I would have stayed with my ex. I just wasn’t prepared for the shock of dealing with someone’s previous experiences and the insecurity that ensued. I feel jealous of my husband that he doesn’t have to deal with the insecurity of my non-existent sexual past.

I really true don’t want to have been with anyone else sexually. The only times I think this is because I want the insecurity to go away, or for have him to understand my pain.
 
Cruciferi said:
Continued contact would bother me…
Click to expand...
I should say this was when we were dating and not married. He said she contacted him, even though she was in a relationship, happily, “just to see how he was doing”…he deleted the messages before I could see them. He’s also lied to me before about why he left dinner/drinks with a friend. He said there was a fight so they left. Turns out the next AM he said a woman was flirting with him he didn’t think I would understand.

Just because I didn’t sleep around doesn’t mean that no one flirted with me, or I with them and I don’t understand that flirting is harmless. All these lies just make me think - why is he actually lying? And it sets up distrust about big things like regret about the past or if he has detailed memories of his past or if he compares me. A few people on CAF have actually said they during intimacy with their spouse they think about their past, not because they want to but because it just pops up. So that is a worry for me.
 
1ke said:
I find your attitude toward your husband to be very cruel. A course for betrayed spouses??? He didn’t betray you!!

You waited, he didn’t. You knew this. I think you have an over emphasis on sex in marriage if this is such an obsession. He loves you, he married you.
Click to expand...
This.

Yeah you’re really making too big a deal out of this. If it’s such an obsession then you should get therapy.

In my own relationship I came to marriage with “experience” but my wife didn’t. She struggled with it a bit. We brought it up in marriage prep and were told that you can’t compeare marital sex with anything else. It’s a sacramental and holy thing and it also can be healing if you let it.

Also don’t overestimate the memories you think your spouse has. That is largely in your head and a projection of your insecurities.

In any case you’re married now. You haven’t been cheated on and really this is on you to deal with. Prayer will help but also working on your insecurities and not fixating on this issue will help.
 
JMMJ said:
Your husband is going to tire of this. He may decide he has had enough at some point.
Click to expand...
This is definitely true. My wife and I worked through similar issues before we married. There was a point where I just said I’m not entertaining this anymore and there’s no point thrashing it out any further. Get over it or break up.

Your husband will get sick of having the same conversations. No doubt he is sorry and wants to move on and stop having to reassure you that he loves you. If so, you need to work on letting go and realising that
  1. You haven’t actually been wronged
  2. You decided to marry him so obviously there was something that outweighed the “past”
  3. He loves you and chooses you every day and that is greater than any sin.
 
Phoenix1 said:
I hesitate to stop bringing this up because I don’t want him to ever forget about much I forgave him for.
Click to expand...
You know this just makes you sound vindictive and cruel.
You’re holding this over him as if it’s some great thing when really you had the opportunity to not marry him.
This attitude is neither loving nor forgiving. And really, it’s your problem that it’s affecting intimacy if you hold this attitude.
 
Last edited:
humbleseeker said:
40.png
Phoenix1:
I hesitate to stop bringing this up because I don’t want him to ever forget about much I forgave him for.
Click to expand...
This is not how forgiveness works. You have not forgiven him.
Click to expand...
This. Imagine if Jesus told us that?

I’m sure your husband is sorry. I would be incredibly hurt and sad if my spouse kept bringing something up that I did wrong, especially if I already felt bad about it in the first place.

Neither of you can change the past. Please seek a trusted priest or counselor in whom you can confide. I pray the Holy Spirit full your heart with peace.
 
Phoenix1 said:
This is where I struggle understanding - my husband says it wasn’t fun, but why keep doing it if it wasn’t fun. This wasn’t just one or two mistakes. He didn’t know better even though he grew up in youth groups and his youth pastors told him the consequences of premarital sexual. He knew the consequences, did it anyway, hurt his future spouse, and I feel like he has the audacity to tell me it “wasn’t fun”?? Then I just keep asking why did you do it?

I was mean to him this morning and told him any issues we have with intimacy in our marriage is because of his past. Which I feel is true but was not necessary for me to say. I hesitate to stop bringing this up because I don’t want him to ever forget about much I forgave him for. I am not there yet to “unflinchingly and uncompromisingly” get rid of these feelings.

Anyway, your post has been immensely helpful. I know that virginity does not indicate a successful marriage/relationship other wise I would have stayed with my ex. I just wasn’t prepared for the shock of dealing with someone’s previous experiences and the insecurity that ensued. I feel jealous of my husband that he doesn’t have to deal with the insecurity of my non-existent sexual past.
Click to expand...
You obviously know your husband better than I do, but I have to say, if a girl harangued me constantly about my ex-girlfriend and held everything my ex and I did together against me and told me “you’re lucky I forgave you; don’t you forget it”- a girl I broke up with before I even knew she existed- it would drive me absolutely up the wall, and I would probably start avoiding her. And I am pretty confident that I speak for 99.9% of the male population when I say that.

He has already said he regrets it. He can’t take his actions back. The past is the past. What do you want him to say? “I really enjoyed having sex with random women before I met you, just thought you should know that”? How would that help? You are projecting the worst possible thoughts, feelings, and intentions onto your husband.

There is nothing he can do about the past. He chose you, and chose to marry you. It’s unfair to treat him like he has cheated on you, and holding on to this grudge is unhealthy. You need to realize that your husband has put his past actions and past girlfriends behind him. He cares about you, not them. I doubt if he ever even thinks about them. You either have to accept that, or this will eat at you forever and sour your marriage.
 
Phoenix1 said:
This is where I struggle understanding - my husband says it wasn’t fun, but why keep doing it if it wasn’t fun.
Click to expand...
Oh no doubt it was fun, but probably only in the minute. Your husband probably means the overall experience wasn’t fun. You are focusing on the actual act of having sex and you know better. Of course sex is usually always fun, but the fallout afterwards can be quite troublesome for many people.

Your intellect is telling you your husband isn’t being truthful. He is probably being truthful, but his point of reference is different from yours. Again, I think you should go (alone) to some counseling to figure out why you are dwelling on this.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top