Spouses sexual past - need help from spouses with no previous sexual past

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The difference is your husband actually cheated on you but the OP’s husband has not. You have a right to feel betrayed but the OP married her husband knowing the deal. It’s up to her to get over it and stop letting it affect her marriage and then blaming her husband when that happens.
 
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Generally speaking, I believe these issues and preferences should be sorted out prior to Marriage. 🙂
 
I don’t think this is a common issue as most people don’t wait for marriage. I do completely agree that not everyone has the same reaction I do/did once in this situation though.
 
I never said my husband cheated on me or betrayed me. The course I bought was for bretrayed spouses so I could use those tools to help solve a much more minor issue. I’m trying to solve issues here. And to be honest, none of your posts have been helpful.

If I could just “get over it”, I would. I’ve prayed so much about this, thought about what a horrible person I am for continuing bringing this up but I cannot help that it hurts me. Part of the issue is being told by people on this forum that the issue is me, so I continued the relationship just thinking eventually I would snap out of it. Just because you had pre-marital sex and wounded your relationship with your wife (she had a problem with it so yes it was a wound), and told her to get over it and she did, doesn’t mean the wound was healed. I’m looking for healing. Your wife must be a wonderful woman and your responses have me so thankful for my wonderful husband that cares when I am hurting! So thank you for your non-helpful responses, it’s shown me what already I knew - I’m so lucky for my caring husband.
 
I didn’t have a problem with it for awhile, even awhile after he was in contact with his ex FWB but then there was other “small” lies and eventually it just smacked me in the head and my insecurity over flowed. What else was he lying about?

He didn’t have a distant past, it ended about 4 months before we met. He dated someone after that and wanted to change things so that dating was very different from his normal. Part of my problem is that it wasn’t distant, it was very recent and he was not religious at that point. He has joined the Orthodox Church and was baptized a week after our wedding. It’s not like these were “mistakes” from 5 years ago; it was just a few months. Thanks for seeing that difference.
 
@Phoenix1
Your husband knows how lucky he is to have you in his corner. I wish I could offer a future husband my virginity unfortunately mine was taken from me.
I realise that you were looking for different answers to what everyone can give you however your situation isn’t one that is a regular occurance.
The best thing I could advise is to try a marriage retreat I hear they are amazing and can work wonders or councelling a marriage takes alot of work and compromise and I’m sure whilst it was “fun” for your husband at the time he was having premarital sex that fun only lasted 10 minutes and he’s commited to you for a life time of fun and memories. Please do not push him away beacuse of mistakes of the past
 
alice24 said:
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Clementine14:
I understand that it’s hard when you feel like you did the “right thing” and waited for him, and he didn’t wait for you.
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I think the OP should come over the idea that her husband´s premarital sex was a sin against her, it was only a sin against god and maybe the women involved in the past. It´s not that he betrayed her of a gift.
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I don’t think he sinned against me. It’s not like he was like “I want to hurt my future wife.” Even if it wasn’t against me, it still hurts me. He told me he never could imagine marrying someone, or that someone would want him. I always tell him I wish he would have known how much me (or someone else) was going to love him.

You have to admit it doesn’t really make sense. We have this “ideal” of virginity until marriage, and if you don’t meet it, it’s OK. Talk to God, repent your sins and don’t repeat them and you’re forgiven. If you meet the ideal, then don’t you dare be upset when someone else that you love didn’t meet it, otherwise you’re a bar person and a bad Christian. Seems a bit lopsided, no?

I believe you’re the one that told me I was receiving “good advice” of being told to essentially be quiet and get over it. I’m not disagreeing that I want to get over it, silly people! I’m asking for practical advice from others who have been hurt in this way. But unfortunately, there haven’t been many replies from that camp.
 
Thank you, you seem like a very loving and kind person. I’m going to pray for continued healing for you, your marriage and your family.

I agree that a lot of people don’t believe, or want to acknowledge that their actions could have hurt the ones they love. It would be pretty painful to think how much you hurt the closest people to you and have no way of truly changing anything. My husband told me he just can’t think/dwell on it because it would drive him crazy of how much pain it caused for things of no value. Some people probably feel like it’s best to say “get over it”, or the other person is crazy for having feelings because it hurts them too much to realize what destruction they caused.

Your response has been one of the most helpful and inspiring. Again, I will be praying for you. You seem like such a wonderful, kind and loving person.
 
Phoenix1 said:
You have to admit it doesn’t really make sense. We have this “ideal” of virginity until marriage, and if you don’t meet it, it’s OK. Talk to God, repent your sins and don’t repeat them and you’re forgiven. If you meet the ideal, then don’t you dare be upset when someone else that you love didn’t meet it, otherwise you’re a bar person and a bad Christian. Seems a bit lopsided, no?
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I don’t think anyone is saying you can’t be upset. That’s normal. What isn’t normal is your inability to focus on your marriage and your constant punishment of your husband for it. I understand your feelings, but I think you need some professional help learning how to deal with them in a healthy way within your marriage. This is bothering you way beyond the extent that it should- I think that instead of looking for ways to cope from those of us who have been there (I can’t really explain how, it just isn’t as much of an issue for me), what you really need is someone who is trained to help you work through how you feel.
 
Maybe try this? What is a sin that you committed and repented of? (Don’t tell us, obviously)

Would you feel it fair if your husband found out about that sin, and then was unable to get over it and judged you negatively about it.

Your husband repented. Be happy for him. Your husband (all of us) are like the lost sheep in scripture, where the shepherd searches for him until he’s found. He’s like the prodigal son who came home ( we all are)

Put it behind you. We can all sin. We can all fall. “There but for the grace of God go I”. He’s repented and has been absolved. Thank God that he has been absolved.
 
Phoenix1 said:
Just because you had pre-marital sex and wounded your relationship with your wife (she had a problem with it so yes it was a wound), and told her to get over it and she did, doesn’t mean the wound was healed.
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Phoenix1 said:
Just because you had pre-marital sex and wounded your relationship with your wife (she had a problem with it so yes it was a wound), and told her to get over it and she did, doesn’t mean the wound was healed.
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We also worked on it. But there’s a point where it’s no longer constructive to do that. If your attitude toward me and the others who offered advice you don’t like is any indication then you are fixating on this too much.
 
Phoenix1 said:
You have to admit it doesn’t really make sense. We have this “ideal” of virginity until marriage, and if you don’t meet it, it’s OK. Talk to God, repent your sins and don’t repeat them and you’re forgiven.
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It’s the same with any sin. We have this ideal of not killing people too. But even that sin can be forgiven. You seem to be stuck on the idea of holding this against your husband. You have to let go of that in order to move on.
The ideal isn’t a stick to beat people with. It’s something to be strived for, sure, but everyone falls in some way or another.
Just because you attained the ideal doesn’t give you the right to feel superior. We’re all sinners.

I asked my wife and she actually said that it got better for her when we got married. The grace of the sacrament made her see it in a different way and realise that I chose her and love her.
.she also said that dwelling on it isn’t a good thing and to a large extent you are responsible for directing your thoughts away from that topic and replacing those thoughts with something else. And controlling yourself and not attacking your spouse over this. Though judging by your previous replies you’d rather say that’s bad advice and not helpful.
 
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To truly forgive is a beautiful thing. It means acceptance of the faults of others, as they have accepted our faults. When both parties in a marriage forgive, it means you’re ready to build the future. I had baggage, my wife had baggage, and it took acceptance of God’s grace to experience true happiness in my marriage. God helped me learn to forgive to receive His grace. Nearly twenty years into our marriage, with all my faults, and with all her faults, we’ve moved on to learn to keep God the center of our love for each other. You can’t hold on to past sins, his or yours, without continuing to sin. Give it up to the grace of God and make your marriage the amazing union it should be.
 
That’s actually much better and nicer than your previous responses. That’s what I was looking for, not your original rudeness of “get over it, your marriage is doomed and you’re a bad person”
 
I’m glad I could help. In fairness though, I never said your marriage was doomed. I said not letting this go would be one way of dooming it.
 
You didn’t really help, you were at least less critical in these later replies. Your wife’s reply was helpful to show that someone can move past this if they were determined.

I hope you are a little more sympathetic in the future. I’m a sinner, just like you. Yelling doesn’t work when someone is looking for some compassion.
 
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