Or just cop on and stop being nasty to your husband.
Spouses sexual past - need help from spouses with no previous sexual past
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Phoenix1
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I don’t feel like you have been very charitable. I was asking for the response from the other side, not your side. Maybe your wife can respond?
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Phoenix1
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It wasn’t 1 ex. It was several; and the forgiven I was talking about was the lying.
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FirstFiveEighth
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Yep. I agree with what you said earlier about how you dealt with this with your wife in just not entertaining it anymore.
I completely understand being insecure about a spouses previous sex life or past. But there is a point where you either just decide to get over it, or end it. It can’t go on forever.
A (older) friend of mine was previously married and had a son with his wife. They got divorced, had joint custody, and he got remarried. The new wife got upset that he would go and visit his son to the point where she demanded that he no longer go and see his son. He got fed up and told her that his kids were very important to him and that he was going to be involved in his son’s life and she had to decide if she was ok with that or was going to leave. They are happily married with a pair of kids now.
I completely understand being insecure about a spouses previous sex life or past. But there is a point where you either just decide to get over it, or end it. It can’t go on forever.
A (older) friend of mine was previously married and had a son with his wife. They got divorced, had joint custody, and he got remarried. The new wife got upset that he would go and visit his son to the point where she demanded that he no longer go and see his son. He got fed up and told her that his kids were very important to him and that he was going to be involved in his son’s life and she had to decide if she was ok with that or was going to leave. They are happily married with a pair of kids now.
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humbleseeker
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My wife had more “experience” than me when we got together. Knowing that she has other men to compare me too would drive me crazy with insecurity if I viewed it as a negative. So, instead, I consider her past to be a positive. In my way of thinking, all those other “experiences” must pale in comparison to the awesomeness that is me. She could have chosen those other guys with their “experience” but she didn’t, she chose me. So my wife gets me, which as stated above, must be awesome and together we get to create our own “experiences”.
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Phoenix1
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Not to be personal, but if you weren’t a virgin prior to that relationship it’s not the same. I do appreciate your advice. I will try to look at it from that angle.Phoenix1:
My wife had more “experience” than me when we got together. Knowing that she has other men to compare me too would drive me crazy with insecurity if I viewed it as a negative. So, instead, I consider her past to be a positive. In my way of thinking, all those other “experiences” must pale in comparison to the awesomeness that is me. She could have chosen those other guys with their “experience” but she didn’t, she chose me. So my wife gets me, which as stated above, must be awesome and together we get to create our own “experiences”.
I was really hoping I would find someone in my situation. Or at least others who were charitable with their advice, not rude. So thanks for being charitable.
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Irishmom2
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I don’t really think anyone was uncharitable. Perhaps you just do not like what people had to say. Sometimes people expect to get certain answers, and when they don’t, they say everyone is mean. Or rude. Or wrong. Or uncharitable.
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Phoenix1
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I felt like AdamP88 and FirstFiveEigth telling me to get over it essentially and that my husband will tire of it. I tire of my husband lying continually but I still love him and will keep loving him. If I could just snap my fingers and “get over it” I would. I didn’t really need someone sexually experienced to get over it. I would like the non-experienced ones prior to marriage telling me how they got over it. I’ve read plenty of threads where the experienced people were rude to the non experienced ones who were hurting.
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Phoenix1
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I’m not quite sure why I started this thread, I should have known better. Thanks to the couple of people who were helpful talking about forgiveness. I don’t know if I can close this thread or if the moderators have to?
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Cruciferi
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Irishmom2
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You yourself, cannot close a thread.
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Phoenix1
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Please close this thread. I should have known from the past threads that this would not be helpful.
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13pollitos
Guest
I was a virgin when I married. My husband was not. It did not hurt me or cause me to obsess over his past. I had sinful experiences in other parts of life that he never had. He didn’t obsess over my sins.
It is time to leave the past in the past before you cause permanent harm to your marriage. Just remember, you are the only woman he married. You were the one he loved enough to wait for. Someday you will be the only mother to his children, God willing. He chose this life with you and no one else. Lots of wives can’t say any of those things.
You really need to change your perspective. Life is too short to have this much anxiety and stress.
It is time to leave the past in the past before you cause permanent harm to your marriage. Just remember, you are the only woman he married. You were the one he loved enough to wait for. Someday you will be the only mother to his children, God willing. He chose this life with you and no one else. Lots of wives can’t say any of those things.
You really need to change your perspective. Life is too short to have this much anxiety and stress.
My wife would tell you the same thing at this stage.
Seems like what you want is someone to tell you your behavior is reasonable and justified. It’s not.
You are responsible for using this to bash your husband with. And there’s a point beyond which it’s not reasonable to hold this against him.
Seems like what you want is someone to tell you your behavior is reasonable and justified. It’s not.
You are responsible for using this to bash your husband with. And there’s a point beyond which it’s not reasonable to hold this against him.
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I gave advice. I told you how my wife got over it. We thrashed it out during marriage prep. But there is a point where you must stop acting as if you’re doing something great by forgiving him. A few people who were virgins before marriage gave advice too. What you’re looking for is someone to tell you your view is justified when you just need to stop focusing on it and blaming him.
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alice24
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If you don´t realize that good advise is good advise no matter who gives it to you, you´ll get a even harder time in your life.
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Clementine14
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I think you need to stop thinking of yourself as “betrayed”. Your husband did not have an affair. And he does not need forgiveness from you, he needs it from God. The attitude that you’ve somehow been wronged and you’re doing him a great favor by forgiving his sins is all wrong- they aren’t yours to forgive.
And yes, I was a virgin when we married and my husband was not so I know all about this. It did bother me while we were dating, and I wondered whether I could get past it. It would pop up in my mind every now and then, but ultimately I decided he was a great guy and I’d be stupid to dwell on it or let him go over it. I understand that it’s hard when you feel like you did the “right thing” and waited for him, and he didn’t wait for you. But he married you. He’s committed to you. We’ve been married seven years now and it crosses my mind basically never. Even in the beginning, I can’t recall it being a big deal- I was excited to be married to him and it really was a non-issue.
I really think you need some therapy to get over this and learn how to focus on your marriage and not his past. While I think your feelings are normal, it’s not normal to have them affect your marriage in this way. You are dwelling on it so much that you are blaming him for the intimacy issues in your marriage. It’s more likely that your inability to focus on your own married life is causing these issues. You have to stop punishing him for things that are not relevant anymore. You said you “don’t want him to ever forget how much you forgave him for”. This is so, so backwards. You are the one with the insecurity, and you married him anyway knowing about his past. It’s up to you to get yourself some help- you owe it to your husband.
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alice24
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This is not directly to you, but I think you made an interesting point and maybe the OP´s feelings are leaded by this thinking.
I always thought when we sin, we sin against God, and we try not to sin (and stay virgins until marriage, for example) to live according to God´s law - not because of a future spouse. Otherwise, lifelong virginity had no place in our faith.
I think the OP should come over the idea that her husband´s premarital sex was a sin against her, it was only a sin against god and maybe the women involved in the past. It´s not that he betrayed her of a gift.
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hurtandhealing
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OP, if you are still reading - I hear you and I hear the pain you are in.
My husband had an affair (over 10 years ago). We have an amazing marriage and family and yet I still feel the pain sometimes. If/when it pops in my head, it hurts. I wish I knew how to help you get over these feelings. While I do not feel your pain, I do understand your thought process here. I disagree with many posters’ idea that past sexual sin has nothing to do with future spouses. (Think of the theology of the general judgement here.)
I agreed to stay married to my husband (and an affair is grounds for legal separation) knowing what he did. You agreed to marry your husband knowing what he did. You can either move forward living with your choices or live in the past. You married him. Obviously there was a good man there. You actually have quite a bit of control here - you can destroy the goodness in him with regards to your marriage and family or help him continue to be that good man. (I strongly recommend Dr. Laura’s book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.) Your current choices are the only thing you have described here that are hurting the intimacy in your marriage.
This is rambly and I am sorry. Again, some counseling may be able to help you with some of your feelings and emotions. You must learn how to offer your pain to God. I suspect the lies that your husband told make it much more difficult. But like Jesus, you must learn to forgive him. If he hasn’t been lying since (and especially since you actually married) you must not keep hitting him over the head with it.
As I said, we are a very happy couple and family. This would not be so if I needed to continue to share with him each time his past made me feel bad. You must learn to offer your pain to God and remind yourself to live in the present (which counseling should definitely be able to help with - your course should have as well).
My husband had an affair (over 10 years ago). We have an amazing marriage and family and yet I still feel the pain sometimes. If/when it pops in my head, it hurts. I wish I knew how to help you get over these feelings. While I do not feel your pain, I do understand your thought process here. I disagree with many posters’ idea that past sexual sin has nothing to do with future spouses. (Think of the theology of the general judgement here.)
I agree with much of this passage. The problem, as I see it, is that few people understand what you and I see from my last sentences before the quote. I agree that counseling can help, but I caution you. We worked, alone and together, with 2 different counselors. Both were Catholic: one very devout, one much less so. We also worked with various priests. They were not able to help me get past that - they truly didn’t understand what I was thinking/feeling.
I agreed to stay married to my husband (and an affair is grounds for legal separation) knowing what he did. You agreed to marry your husband knowing what he did. You can either move forward living with your choices or live in the past. You married him. Obviously there was a good man there. You actually have quite a bit of control here - you can destroy the goodness in him with regards to your marriage and family or help him continue to be that good man. (I strongly recommend Dr. Laura’s book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.) Your current choices are the only thing you have described here that are hurting the intimacy in your marriage.
This is rambly and I am sorry. Again, some counseling may be able to help you with some of your feelings and emotions. You must learn how to offer your pain to God. I suspect the lies that your husband told make it much more difficult. But like Jesus, you must learn to forgive him. If he hasn’t been lying since (and especially since you actually married) you must not keep hitting him over the head with it.
As I said, we are a very happy couple and family. This would not be so if I needed to continue to share with him each time his past made me feel bad. You must learn to offer your pain to God and remind yourself to live in the present (which counseling should definitely be able to help with - your course should have as well).
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Allegra
Guest
My husband and I were both virgins when we married, so I’m not able to provide and first-hand experience. At first glance, it seems you may have some serious issues letting go of this, but when you mentioned his lying and continuing to see someone who he was fairly recently “friends with benefits”, I think I can understand your insecurity. There’s a very big difference between marrying someone who has distant past that they’ve fully repented of and marrying someone who recently had “friends with benefits” and only stopped because he found a full time gig. I’m afraid I really don’t have a recommendation for a cure for this issue, but it does seem like you’ve done all you can do on your own. Maybe you and your husband can should speak to a priest or a Catholic counselor who might be more understanding?
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