Spouses sexual past - need help from spouses with no previous sexual past

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Phoenix1 said:
Thank you @adgloriam. I really appreciate a constructive and thoughtful reply. I am reading through chapter 1 now and it is a bit of a struggle but it actually really speaks to how my husband has described his past.

Also thank you for mentioning dealing with and rationalizing grief. That’s exactly what I was looking for and I didn’t know how to word it.
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You are very welcome @Phoenix1 and I wish you and your husband the best. Henceforth and for the rest of your lives.

I should add this: In the meanwhile I thought some more about what I wrote you, and the saint pope John Paul II in his book has one sub-chapter where he answers to your original question directly. If you look at the index of the book you should be able to find it. But after you read that sub-chapter, I still recommend you read the entire book. I do believe it will help you very much, and I understand and have found many persons before that underwent the hardship you have described.

God bless.
 
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He was baptized as a baby in a church from his hometown, I believe it was a Catholic Church. His parents left that Catholic Church and moved to a Protestant church when he was growing up. They weren’t very religious growing up.

He didn’t go to church at all from high school until we met, which was about 11 years. He joined a Russian Orthodox Church and was re-baptized by the priest in that church. His priest told him he didn’t have to be rebaptized but my husband said he wanted to.
 
Decide from here on out you will never discuss the past with him. He has been to Confession and God has forgiven him. EDIT, sorry, I did not read to the point where he has not confessed this sin.

You do yourself no favors by asking any more questions or by bringing it up. When it comes to your mind, pray the Our Father with “Forgive me this day my tresspasses as I forgive my husband who trespassed against me”.

When you simply pray about it every time it comes to mind, soon, Satan will stop whispering in your ear. Satan WANTS you to feel cheated out of “fun”, to harbor resentment against your husband. Do not give in, when it comes to mind, pray and even THANK God for His generous mercy.

Did none of this come up in your pre-marriage counseling? Were you married in the Church?
 
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Satan knows our name yet calls us by our sins.

Christ knows our sins yet calls us by our name.
 
TheLittleLady said:
Decide from here on out you will never discuss the past with him.
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We have come across this before my dear and most esteemed friend. And whilst valid, and sound, and with advantages, and laying the conscience to a some peace…Saint pope John Paul II said, approximately: that the confession of a past sin between the spouses can even lead to an increase in love -by way of trust and union, understanding forgiveness and acceptance- but that requires a strong relationship and that takes time to build. In the meanwhile, your advice is sound in that it allows the consciences, and persons, some peace.

God bless you my dear friend.
 
TheLittleLady said:
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adgloriam:
Saint pope John Paul II said, approximately: that the confession of a past sin between the spouses can even lead to an increase in love -by way of trust and union,
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Would you link this?
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I don’t have the paper copy on me right now. But I should have a pdf somewhere on my laptop. I will try my best to find it promptly, I do promise to link it. I also don’t know if the editions are public domain so it might be hard to find an HTML site holding the text. But I will try my best, as soon as possible.
 
You can only be baptized once. If he has already been validly baptized (and it sounds as though he definitely has), the second time is just getting wet–it would have no sacramental value. Confession is the proper means of taking care of post-baptismal sins. Hopefully he will decide to go to confession before long; he would find it very healing.
 
it probably not in public domain (at least in most countries).

I have a book copy under my eyes.
Can you just name the title of the extract, please? Thanks you!
 
@TheLittleLady @Anicette not yet. I just spent 15 minutes going through the PDF using the exact keywords I remember from memory, but didn’t find it so far. It also doesn’t help that the copy I read was not in English. And as for the title of the chapter or sub-chapter, I also can’t recall where that exact idea was placed within the book. When I read it I cared about extracting key ideas, not the structure, at the time I was overwhelmed by the content of the book itself. But it’s in there, somewhere…
 
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Fr Dubay mentioned spouses sharing sins with each other in his book “Deep Conversion, Deep Prayer”. Not that it was what every couple ought do, but, that some couples are at a place of spiritual growth where they can give good spiritual advice to each other. I took that to mean being able to talk to my spouse about my problem with prayer or despair, not about re-hashing sexual sins that will only hurt the other person.
 
TheLittleLady said:
Fr Dubay mentioned spouses sharing sins with each other in his book “Deep Conversion, Deep Prayer”. Not that it was what every couple ought do, but, that some couples are at a place of spiritual growth where they can give good spiritual advice to each other. I took that to mean being able to talk to my spouse about my problem with prayer or despair, not about re-hashing sexual sins that will only hurt the other person.
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Exactly @TheLittleLady your advice was prudent, I like it. It can be the right solution at a given point of a couples relationship.

“re-hashing” here works as one of those convenient words that by simplifying dispenses an elaboration that would be tough to put in prose.

So this question remains: Should your original advice be given “as is”, without giving room to the “if and but” I added? Not being the whole truth it leaves room for pondering that something might be amiss.

Because (I’ll simplify as far as possible) that would remit the spouses to an imperative where they can’t talk, be frank, accept, heal, and lastly grow in union, the truth does set free.

[The alternative, as you say, has omission generating omission (I didn’t even aim at taking it that far) should one of the spouses still be vulnerable to sin, then omission becomes further vulnerability - think about it, that would remit the omitting spouse to seek any needed frankness outside the relationship, thus threatening the very relationship. Willful omission turned moral imperative sets a dangerous path.]
 
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In my 28+ years of marriage and close knowledge of other lasting marriages, I have not seen where talking about sexual history (other than “I was married”, "I have X children from past relationships, “I carry X STD”) to do any good in a marriage. The only caveat I would add is if someone has “marry a virgin” as a deal killer, and their spouse lied until after marriage. That would be cause for deep concern because of the lie.

Still wondering if this came up during marriage prep counseling, the FOCUS inventory, etc.
 
It did come up, but I just kept thinking I could move past it. His lying about a few things set off my insecurity and anxiety. My husband even admitted that he thought I should have “just gotten over it” and it wasn’t a big deal so he truly wasn’t open emotionally to
me. He said it was in the past, but then he was still friends with his ex on FB so I knew what she looked like. The mental images of them together drove me crazy. This was not a case of having sexual sins in the distant past. This was a few months before I started dating my husband. He hasn’t even confessed his sins.

I know most people have a sexual past. Maybe I was too naive and didn’t understand all the brokenness that comes from having such sexual sins. I just kept thinking I could move past it. I’m pretty strong emotionally and I generally think nothing is impossible if you work towards it but man this has just crushed me. I sometimes wish I would have realized that I’m not a bad person if I can’t deal with this. I also feel really alone in this, so I turned to the internet to find someone in my shoes. I promise you guys I’m not a weak person. I just need some help, I need people to pray and tell me I’m not a bad person.

I don’t think he’s a worse person than me, I sin in other ways. I’m just grieving the loss of intimacy and the full bond that I wish I could have with my husband that he has already experienced somewhat with other people. That this part of our relationship isn’t as new to him as it is to me. That he has experienced little things with other women before. Sexual sins hurt, they hurt you, your future spouse and God. I pray that people understand what damage this does.
 
Phoenix1 said:
I know most people have a sexual past. Maybe I was too naive and didn’t understand all the brokenness that comes from having such sexual sins. I just kept thinking I could move past it. I’m pretty strong emotionally and I generally think nothing is impossible if you work towards it but man this has just crushed me. I sometimes wish I would have realized that I’m not a bad person if I can’t deal with this. I also feel really alone in this, so I turned to the internet to find someone in my shoes. I promise you guys I’m not a weak person. I just need some help, I need people to pray and tell me I’m not a bad person.
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It’s okay to feel the way you do. No, you’re not a bad person- but you DO have to “deal with it”. You decided to marry him knowing this, so you have to find a way to be okay with it. It really sounds like you will need professional help to do so, and there’s nothing wrong with that. This type of obsessive thinking about a spouse’s past (and continuing to re-hash it and remind him of how you are hurting, especially) is not normal, and a therapist can help you to work through how you feel for the sake of your marriage.
Phoenix1 said:
I’m just grieving the loss of intimacy and the full bond that I wish I could have with my husband that he has already experienced somewhat with other people.
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The thing is, your husband did not have a “full bond” with anyone else. He wasn’t married to them. He married you. He didn’t promise to stay true to them for the rest of their lives. He didn’t promise to start a family with them. He chose to forsake all others for you- and making him feel guilty about the past-before you- is harmful to your relationship AND your intimacy. Your feelings are understandable, but how you deal with them will determine the success of your marriage. I hope you get some help and find some peace.
 
I said that he experienced somewhat with other people. I know he didn’t promise anything to others. I didn’t promise anything to others either. His past is getting in the way of my bonding with him. This is honestly a dealbreaker and I believe we will end up separating. Sexual sin is too much for me to deal with.

This will be my last post. Thanks everyone for your help, I do appreciate it. It’s just too much for me.
 
TheLittleLady said:
In my 28+ years of marriage and close knowledge of other lasting marriages, I have not seen where talking about sexual history (other than “I was married”, "I have X children from past relationships, “I carry X STD”) to do any good in a marriage.
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I hear this all the time on here.
I would not have married a man who flinched the least bit at me talking about my sex life. I was also open to guys talking about theirs, in fact I never met a guy who could keep his mouth shut about it to be honest.

I really needed a partner who was not going “to argue or to judge” as the Bob Dylan song says. There were very deep seated reasons for me needing this.

By “talking about” I mean just being free to talk about it, not any sort of comparison/ competition between guys or anything emotionally loaded. It was very important to me that any man I was with basically didn’t care about whatever I was doing before I met him and possibly after I met him, except perhaps in the sense of caring about my well-being.

I realize this does not work for everybody, but keeping mum about one’s past also doesn’t work for everybody. I would have rather not married at all than married somebody who had a no-fly list of verboten personal subjects.
 
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