Judi, i would never take my life…be this assured, as my only goal in life is to one day hold my son in my arms…nothing will keep me from this goal, but i fear i am working for the goal of a happy marriage…yet i can not contemplate wanting to even go for a walk with him. I am soooo out of love with this person, yet love him as my husband, and respect the vows of marriage.
God spoke to me a few years ago, asking me to devote myself to healing, and not to try and fix us…to leave him be. When i asked if we should remain together, he said yes, and i wondered why. He told me i would be an instrument in him comming home to God. So here i sit, in an ever exhausting loveless marriage, drinking and driving, hateful drunk talk to my children about me, public humiliation over my incompetence as a woman, and the list goes on. I say kick him to the curb, but God says different.
I am completely sure he knows better, and i yeild to his plan, not mine, but i am so totally miserable. The thought of never being held again, never being huged, never a pat on the arm, never the words that one needs from a partner. He has yet to even hug me due to my sons death.
This is how detached he has been. Always resentful of how much children cost, he quickly went from a bachelor to living with me and my terminally ill son. Self employed, he was resentful of me staying at home, but my sons finances were covered on disability. We then had 2 babies 15 months apart, with my son being about 12-13. This was way to fast and furious for him.
Anyhow, when we finally got things done correctly, we married, my son walked me down the isle, and my girls were my flower girls. A year latter or just past, my son died, and he resented burrying him, as it was not his kid. Being so very dutch…sorry to offend, but it speaks for itself…he told the mortician he wanted to rent a casket, and then burry him in a pine box…WTF, sorry!!!
I jumped for his face to claw it actually, and family stepped in telling him to back off. He would have nothing to do with the plans of his burrial, as only someone who loved him would do this, and it was not him. So we went home, and he seemed to be trying to just be an errand boy…which suited me fine, and a lot got done as me and others deligated things needed, people picked up from the airport and so on. With my entire family flown in to live with me for a month to help me get over this, he said outloud, i an’t feeding all these people. Then when i was upset a few hours latter…body not even at the funeral home yet from the hospital…he came over to me and leaned forward. I thought for a hug, and i embraced him, and he pushed me away by the for-arms to say…“when are you gonna stop crying over this, he’s dead get it, gone, and here you keep sniveling…he’s gone!”
I was never the same, and vowed to never share anything dear to me again, as my son was sacred to me…and still is. To this day, he feels he was slighted deeply, business nearly gone in the ground, all because of the cost to bury my son. That was 10 thousand. His dad payed off his farm for 85 thousand, payed off his opperating loan of 20 thou, and another 15 for his visa…he was debt free, owned 12 acres in the Niagara Greenbelt farming property, and refused to get a small loan to burry my son.
So his father paid for that, but expected it back in the spring when we were well into our season…the 10 he had to pay his father, has never been let go of, that i am the reason for the financial mess…i have NEVER seen the farm books, or have anything to do with opperations, but in five years, he owes more than 60 thousand in debt…and i never asked for an extra penny.
But it’s all my fault…the business looses over ten thousand a year…closer to 12…so get out stupid is my answer! But he will not…his choice, not mine.
so, yes, there is so much there, but not there…He is dutch, and his upbringing is simply this, the dad rules, the mother shuts her mouth, and does exactly what he says. He revealed this after we were married…so life since marriage sucks so bad, and never even consumated officially…he got drunk that night, and passed out in front of guests just after supper…
Yet God asked me to stay…i want a re-count…sigh!
Lana
