St. Monica pray for us! Praying for our husbands....

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my husband sent me a message for us to get online and chait yesterday but my messenger was rusty, so to speak, so we coudlnt get it together.
why he cant email, who knows. his phone is one of those that charges a lot to use.
welll this morning ( i was already awake from that earthquake, as i am in east central IL…) he texted and asked a weird question… saying how much would i pay to see him in the next 24 hours.
well we texted back and forth for a while, he did not reveal much except that he is broke.
so… today he told me to get online at 5 and chat , well he must have slept too long, cuz he works nights and i was here at 5 and … not surprised, but he was not here.
i feel at least we are sort of finding a way to communicate, i did get the AIM messenger fixed so he can try to find me.
well…
if he needs money for his bills, i do not think that is my job.
i am not sure he will even feel it is right to ask again, as he sends me nothing’
anyway, st monica pray for us.
he drinks and needs prayers like so many, his name is brian.
i am jackie.
thanks.
i hope i do not do soemthing and be an enabler again.
pray for me
 
we cant edit i see?
well upon thinking and reading my previous posts on here… I realize what a big change has already happened.
we ( my husband and I) have not communicated since last summer, and before that it was months.
the email on Easter, the recent requests on his part to get online and chat, which we will i suppose, that is all a positive change.
he is 10 hours away. living with a gf…
i know others in his shoes would be on disability and not doing anything, we tried to get him some ssi disability cuz of his seizures but since he doesnt have them all the time . only every few mos or every month, then he is still a regular working person according to them;
but anyway, i just looked at my older posts and the recent ones and want to thankSt Monica and God for the changes.
very strong .
he said good night sweetheart on the text this morning before he went to bed…9 he works nights)
that is new and nice.
thank you dear Lord, St Joseph and St Therese St Monica
 
Rammy said:
Girls, it is easy to fall into a pattern of knowing and excepting his Will and love him deeply for being there for us. However, he made us human, and there is much to learn when we ARE human and forget to hold on as tight as we had a few days before. Remember, you are human, and you are HIS lost lamb. He will not leave you alone, he is at your side. He knows us best, and knows we will fall, but at least we look up reach for his outstretched hand as he helps us back up.

Some might not even see his hand…blessed are we that do!

Congradulations on your Pregnancy hun, and the job interview. Prayers for safety are going up, as well as a possibility that things will work in such a way for your family to be happy and mindful to his grace.

One last thing, and this is for Jules…I see a desperation of hope, and i too would feel the same way if my husband actually agreed to ANY form of help…even verbal atmittence would be a huge step. I wonder if you can see the need to step back.

I have an idea, but do not know you well enough to know if it will work. Here goes. First and formost you have a union with God, and as your husbands wife, you care deeply about the state of his soul, and how his life falling apart has left you alone, and hurt.
For now, you have the Lord, and hopefully forever! But he does not have that. Imagine struggles without the Lord, how very sad and full of dispair.

This is the state of his soul, mind and heart. If he knew what God could do, or you, he would have done it long ago. So first and formost, step back from the marriage, and do not place focus on this right now. I know this does not sound propper, but hear me out.

Maybe he needs a guide, a friend, a soldier in christ. Maybe he needs to find his way, without the stress of disapointing others. Maybe you need to focus on the friendship side, unconditional, accept his trying as it comes, and tell him, and show him you are there for him, regardless if he comes back or not.

Let him know, as a friend, you love and care for him, and him getting well IS your only agenda. Meet him when he needs to for coffee, talk, set dates to meet about how he feels in life. It does not have to be about your marriage. Help him find him, so that he can be a better him. When he finds himself, do not doubt he will be well ready to see you.

Sometimes it is not about our needs to be met, but that the lost lamb can be heard crying in pain, and finds a hand so near by.

Please do not see this as preaching, and if i overstepped my bounds, say so…but i hear pain when i think of drinking, and if that can be addressed…the why…well we replace the need to self medicate.

Lana
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Overstepped the bounds? OH NO, NO dear Lana! You have no idea how I appreciate the advice, prayers and concern of you ladies on here! I agree with every thing you have said and that is exactly what i am doing.
I am not desperately hanging onto this marriage. I had all but given it up a week ago. I still do not know if we will ever make it work but I want him to be happy with or without me. I wish he would open his heart to God. That is the MOST important thing.
I am more concerned with him getting better, than us having a marriage. God has given me graces to feel his pain and I know how empty and sad his life is. I want him to fill that void with God, not me.
I am praying for him everyday. I do not think that all of a sudden things will be fixed. No, I want a friendship first. If ever our marriage reconciles, it will be truly a miracle but it will be years from now, if it ever happens.
So, don’t ever worry about saying what you think. I agree and I do not mind being told on this.
 
Jules,

I am so worried about you and your situation. I know, you have seen a ray of light & I feel like I’m dashing cold water onto things, but I feel like I need to bring a few things up here.
jules11 said:
I have had a real turn around of events. My husband went away a few days ago, he was messaging me. He was very depressed and was drinking. I thought he was threatening suicide, but he assured me that he would never do that. He told me he was miserable and he missed me so much.
He agreed to go get help. I told him that I believed he had Borderline Personality Disorder and he said that he can see why I think that but didnt agree. Then he agreed to get assessed!
Well, I dont want to get my hopes up and I dont want to think that this will fix everything but it is a positive.
I am sure he has it and just that he has accepted that it may be possibility is a huge step.
But this also has a down side. I had almost accepted that it was well and truly over but now i dont know. I pray for his conversion every day and do not want to close the door on God if He is indeed working to bring about his healing and conversion. So I am trying not to think that we will reconcile, but still, it is hard not to hope.
** People with Bpd are renown for saying they will get help then never doing anything about it or going once and not again. But I guess time will tell. If he is committed to getting better, then there is a chance.**
So now it is all up in the air again!
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I want you to stay hyper-focused on yourself here. While it is important for your DH to begin to confront his mental health issues, it is equally important for YOU to confront your needs here. You need to protect yourself mentally and spiritually from all of the promises he could break. I speak from a long line of experience here. My DH was diagnosed with BPD, severe depression and PTSD. He did get help and it is a mixed bag Jules, I’m not going to lie to you. While it was a relief to have an answer and a relief to know he was getting help it came at a cost. The medication that was prescribed was a nightmare and caused him to continue to spiral down because the counselors and psychiatrists did not address the issue of his drinking along with the mental health issues. Drinking and anti-depressants are a nightmare combination, and mean that literally…
jules11 said:
Thank you Belle, I know that God is always there but I just hope that I am open enough to follow His will, whatever that is.
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jules11 said:
Thanks Diana,
Sometimes it is easier to have a definate idea in your head, even if it isn’t what you want, at least that way it doesnt feel like you are in limbo.
But I just want to make sure that I am faithfully following God’s will and NOT my own. I am confused but I will not be giving in easily. He has proven time and time again that I can’t believe everything he says.
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jules11 said:
Yes, I have had many times where I have been asking God to help, almost demanding and feeling sorry for myself and then things turn around for the better. Then **I wonder why I am so weak and lacking in faith to be so mistrusting of God. I **need to be able to trust no matter what.
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What I want to address with these posts is one thing Jules. You have to abandon yourself and your husband to the will of God. As much as you are capable of doing you must surrender everything to His will. Doing this to whatever degree you are able will preserve your sanity in ways you can never know right now. In the beginning I attached way to much importance on the act of getting help and all the steps being taken by DH to get better, and I had so many times of utter devastation and feelings of betrayal when he would detach, drink and be completely apathetic to me and our daughter. I only started truly getting a handle on my pain and the way I was dealing with DH when I began spiritual direction with our priest. His encouragement for me to pray for myself, and focus on my relationship with God and the state of my soul really started to calm me and get me to a place where I could be the only parent in our house for our DD.

Getting my prayer life on a regular basis and keeping a journal which is often conversations with God have been my salvation. There are still times when I begin to feel helpless and hopeless, but I can honestly look back at how things were when they were at their absolute worse and I know I can get things under control for myself much easier and with a lot less stress now.

This is a big chunk to bite off and seems daunting when stated the way I’ve stated it, but believe me it is exactly what you need to do regardless of the current situation with your marriage. I hope you don’t take offense at my blunt approach, but I wish someone had been so blunt with me. Detaching yourself from any responsibility good or bad for your husbands behavior and choices is what you must do.
 
peacefulpainter said:
my husband sent me a message for us to get online and chait yesterday but my messenger was rusty, so to speak, so we coudlnt get it together.
why he cant email, who knows. his phone is one of those that charges a lot to use.
welll this morning ( i was already awake from that earthquake, as i am in east central IL…) he texted and asked a weird question… saying how much would i pay to see him in the next 24 hours.
well we texted back and forth for a while, he did not reveal much except that he is broke.
so… today he told me to get online at 5 and chat , well he must have slept too long, cuz he works nights and i was here at 5 and … not surprised, but he was not here.
i feel at least we are sort of finding a way to communicate, i did get the AIM messenger fixed so he can try to find me.
well…
if he needs money for his bills, i do not think that is my job.
i am not sure he will even feel it is right to ask again, as he sends me nothing’
anyway, st monica pray for us.
he drinks and needs prayers like so many, his name is brian.
i am jackie.
thanks.
i hope i do not do soemthing and be an enabler again.
pray for me
Click to expand...
Remember hun, responsability means, the ability to respond. If he is able, and makes bad choices, then we must be strong and not fix what bad choices he has made. He must fall deep enough to want to climb out. This will never happen, if he never drowns so to speak. What ever a grown adult is capable of doing, and decides no to do, is their choice, and not ours to fix.

That is the difference between helping the needy, and enabeling.

Responsability = the ability to respond…

I know it is hard, i am just learning the theory myself. I will pray for your heart.

Lana
 
Lamb, well put, and it seems harder to do reading the post and seeing the bounty it creates. It is actually called dieing to self. Oh how those words crushed me for so long. It is the act of complete surender. This means, you do not wory about either direction it will go in, what will happen, you simply stop asking.

There is a point that this feels so freeing. Imagine not parenting an adult all of a sudden. That is what we feel like, like we are their parents, they need us, but do not listen. They rebel etc and keep us up at nights.

But to do what you seem to have determined with prayer, and continue to love and pray for him, then that is all you can and should do. The worry part is the parental role they haul us into.

A friend is different, we simply listen, wish them well, and support them. But we do not become the enabeler letting our lives go out of controle.

So, dieing to self means to kill that idea, the idea of how is he, what should i do, how come he has not called, what does he expect…Stop the crazy train, and simply say, i have my life, and you have yours. I am sorry you are in pain, but this pain is brought on by the decisions you have made in your life…only you can change that. That is not my job, but i can pray for you, that is the most i can do for you.

Seems so cold to a person that easily enabled, like me. I know the feeling, and i know what i need to say to others now. It is lonely, but heck, i just might find a routine in my own home due to not being out most nights helping someone else!

What will you show me here Lord, and how can i help…what ever you say my Lord, and heavenly King…yes Father, he is a lost Lamb, but he does not want to help himself, and the choice has to be his, otherwise we enabel. Please help me believe this Lord, and keep me strong. Give me the grace to endure how hard this is for me.

Lana
 
DAY EIGHT

:signofcross:

PRAYER TO ST. MONICA

Dear St. Monica,
troubled wife and mother,
many sorrows pierced your heart during your lifetime.
Yet, you never despaired or lost faith.
With confidence, persistence, and profound faith,
you prayed daily for the conversion
of your beloved husband, Patricius,
and your beloved son, Augustine;
your prayers were answered.
Grant me that same fortitude, patience,
and trust in the Lord.
Intercede for me, dear St. Monica,
that God may favorably hear my plea for

the wisdom, perseverance, and patience for me and the continued sobriety, compassion and wisdom for my DH, (the cop) Roy,

and grant me the grace to accept His Will in all things,
through Jesus Christ, our Lord,
in the unity of the Holy Spirit,
one God, forever and ever.

Amen.

:signofcross:
 
Belle10 said:
[sign]I’m pregnant!![/sign]
:extrahappy: :crossrc: :extrahappy:

Thank you all for all your prayers and well-wishes. What a wonderful group of women you are! :grouphug: We’re very excited, and my due date is approximately Dec. 8 - the Feast of the Immaculate Conception! (It may be adjusted later but that’s it for now!) Also, that company IS flying DH to their offices in Chicago on Monday, so we’re totally excited about that too! Prayers not only that he get the job, but also that he is safe while traveling, would be much appreciated. Thank you so much everyone – you are wonderful!
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Dearest Belle!!!

Congratulations!

I have to say, I imagine this explains a lot of your strong yearning for attaining the ability to stay at home with your DD, wouldn’t you? The need is strong to begin with, but add the extra hormones a pregnancy kicks into your system as well as the instinctive mothering a pregnancy causes, and you get a mommy who is absolute distraught over leaving her baby in day care. Sweetie I feel your pain! I am praying extra hard for your DH to get this job so you will be able to stay at home and soon! Explore those other income avenues we PM’d about even if it only brings in a small amount! Every little bit helps…
 
Lamb_Serenade said:
Jules,

I am so worried about you and your situation. I know, you have seen a ray of light & I feel like I’m dashing cold water onto things, but I feel like I need to bring a few things up here.

I want you to stay hyper-focused on yourself here. While it is important for your DH to begin to confront his mental health issues, it is equally important for YOU to confront your needs here. You need to protect yourself mentally and spiritually from all of the promises he could break. I speak from a long line of experience here. My DH was diagnosed with BPD, severe depression and PTSD. He did get help and it is a mixed bag Jules, I’m not going to lie to you. While it was a relief to have an answer and a relief to know he was getting help it came at a cost. The medication that was prescribed was a nightmare and caused him to continue to spiral down because the counselors and psychiatrists did not address the issue of his drinking along with the mental health issues. Drinking and anti-depressants are a nightmare combination, and mean that literally…

What I want to address with these posts is one thing Jules. You have to abandon yourself and your husband to the will of God. As much as you are capable of doing you must surrender everything to His will. Doing this to whatever degree you are able will preserve your sanity in ways you can never know right now. In the beginning I attached way to much importance on the act of getting help and all the steps being taken by DH to get better, and I had so many times of utter devastation and feelings of betrayal when he would detach, drink and be completely apathetic to me and our daughter. I only started truly getting a handle on my pain and the way I was dealing with DH when I began spiritual direction with our priest. His encouragement for me to pray for myself, and focus on my relationship with God and the state of my soul really started to calm me and get me to a place where I could be the only parent in our house for our DD.

Getting my prayer life on a regular basis and keeping a journal which is often conversations with God have been my salvation. There are still times when I begin to feel helpless and hopeless, but I can honestly look back at how things were when they were at their absolute worse and I know I can get things under control for myself much easier and with a lot less stress now.

This is a big chunk to bite off and seems daunting when stated the way I’ve stated it, but believe me it is exactly what you need to do regardless of the current situation with your marriage. I hope you don’t take offense at my blunt approach, but I wish someone had been so blunt with me. Detaching yourself from any responsibility good or bad for your husbands behavior and choices is what you must do.
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I am not offended and do not worry. Everything you said is everything I realise about the situation. I am not expecting things to change suddenly if in fact they ever do.
I am abandoning it all to God.
I have not seen my husband to talk to in over 8 weeks. We text message. There is no fear of entering back into any kind of a relationship. It is SO far from what a relationship should be like, let alone a marriage.
I am fine. I have good days and bad days but mostly I am at peace with things and I am more concerned with him finding God than us resuming a marriage.
I feel that God is in total control and I am at peace with that.
He is so depressed and suffering so much and all I want to do is be instrumental in him getting help and finding peace. He had a horrible childhood, an abusive mother who did not love him and he has lived in torture all his life. He still does not grasp the reality of God’s love for him.
Truly, I am fine. I feel strong and at peace. I will not take any more abuse from him but I will still support him with prayer and love.
 
Jackie:

I read your post about your dh. That kind of stinks (if I may put it so bluntly). I am going to pray for you at Mass tomorrow and your husband. I truly hope he will see the light - SOON! You are going through a lot. Hang in there. I’ve been there, and am “still in there” and it’s not much fun. God bless you and take care of you, dear one! Much love,
 
jules11 said:
I am not offended and do not worry. Everything you said is everything I realise about the situation. I am not expecting things to change suddenly if in fact they ever do.
I am abandoning it all to God.
I have not seen my husband to talk to in over 8 weeks. We text message. There is no fear of entering back into any kind of a relationship. It is SO far from what a relationship should be like, let alone a marriage.
I am fine. I have good days and bad days but mostly I am at peace with things and I am more concerned with him finding God than us resuming a marriage.
I feel that God is in total control and I am at peace with that.
He is so depressed and suffering so much and all I want to do is be instrumental in him getting help and finding peace. He had a horrible childhood, an abusive mother who did not love him and he has lived in torture all his life. He still does not grasp the reality of God’s love for him.
Truly, I am fine. I feel strong and at peace. I will not take any more abuse from him but I will still support him with prayer and love.
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Ya know what hun, all this talk about someone hurt, and dependant on substances has hit home in another area other than my husband. Except i found my stepping outside of the realm, in a non personal (not in my face family stuff) way that made me see, i am NOT doing what i sugest for myself.

That was a huge light on for me. You see, my brother is a Bi-polar, manic depressive, ADD, recovering addict. Yep, a mouthfull. You see, he refuses to be medicated, making his life, and mine, much easier. When he does medicate, he has to address councelling, and will not, then he is unable to cope, and self medicates with drink and pills perscribed, but does this wrong. So when he gets bad, he reaches for help from me (he lives three doors down on my street.

Where does that enabeling start and end…ok, better to end and stop. So now i am critically looking at what i have said, and will try to insert this into dealing with my big brother on disability.

The key being, i will help you get to where you want to be, but i will not help you support where you are at right now. (basically, not help him with food, when he spends his money on beer).

This is a double edged sword for me standing up for myself, and trying to support others that are where i am…strugaling, but want to do it in Gods light.

Thank you all. Sooo much!

Lana
 
Novena day 8

Belle,
Congratulations!!!:extrahappy: :bounce:
I am soooooooooooo happy for you. What a blessing. I will definitley keep you and that wonderful baby. I will also pray that God does what is best for you and yours.

Rammy,
Your words about God’s will and trusting God were perfect. I know that I get impatient and want to take things into my hands-but I am trying to learn to just to hear his voice and trust his will.:harp:
 
eli1118 said:
Novena day 8

Belle,
Congratulations!!!:extrahappy: :bounce:
I am soooooooooooo happy for you. What a blessing. I will definitley keep you and that wonderful baby. I will also pray that God does what is best for you and yours.

Rammy,
Your words about God’s will and trusting God were perfect. I know that I get impatient and want to take things into my hands-but I am trying to learn to just to hear his voice and trust his will.:harp:
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Eli…lol…thank you dear. I have to admit i wondered which post you spoke of. When one of my rambelings help, i love to go over it and put a mental check mark…this one touched a soul.

I admit, it is very hard to learn this theory and once i did, i was some proud. Proud being the opperative word, “i got it, i understand!” Then i had to impliment it!

That was the hard part, and still is today. Telling the truth, i try all the time to do this, and most times i catch it before it happens. But when it happens, and i miss it completely, you can bet your stars it was a busy day, lots tugging on me, and simply put…a day i was to busy to ask god his oppinion on it all.

He is my GooRoo, my psycologist, my councellor, my friend. HE is the only one that perfectly has my best interests at hand. He said so much will be mine, if we do this together. Can i not see, alone, i vere off the path every time. Looking at this, i’d be pretty dumb not to consult where i KNOW i will get the best advice.

Sheesh i am a slow learner…lol, human yes, and falable…it is really just that easy. We must see, with him, we will be ok, with ourselves, we chance poor decisions. On the statistics, we are kinda off the mark if we as people can not see, he is making it easy for us.

Simply rely on a friend, get perfect advice, follow his lead, and we will never feel left alone, be granted peace, mercy and other gifts.

Ca mon girs, isn’t it silly we can not see such beauty laid before our feet. We got in this mess because we tried it our way, now it is time for damage controle. It can’t hurt, he loves us deeper than the day before, and for the little one inside of us hurting, he wants so desperately to be the daddy for all of us!

Lana
 
Prayer to Saint Joseph for all sick husbands to find help.

O glorious St. Joseph,
friend of the Sacred Heart of Jesus,
thou whose power renders impossible things possible,
come to our aid in our present trouble and distress.
Take these important and difficult affairs
which we recommend to your protection,
that they may end happily.

O dear St. Joseph,
all our confidence is in you.
Let it not be said that we have invoked you in vain,
and since you are so powerful with Jesus and Mary,
show that your goodness equals power.

Amen.

St. Joseph, friend of the Sacred Heart of Jesus,
pray for us and for all who invoke your aid.

St. Joseph, friend of the Sacred Heart of Jesus,
pray for us and for all who invoke your aid.

St. Joseph, friend of the Sacred Heart of Jesus,
pray for us and for all who invoke your aid.
 
**PRAYER TO ST. MONICA

Dear St. Monica,
troubled wife and mother,
many sorrows pierced your heart during your lifetime.
Yet, you never despaired or lost faith.
With confidence, persistence, and profound faith,
you prayed daily for the conversion
of your beloved husband, Patricius,
and your beloved son, Augustine;
your prayers were answered.
Grant me that same fortitude, patience,
and trust in the Lord.
Intercede for me, dear St. Monica,
that God may favorably hear my plea for

the conversion of my husband, healing and salvation of our marriage, and the strong faith of our son, the conversion of all sinners in our families and of the spouses being prayed for here by CAF members,**

and grant me the grace to accept His Will in all things,
through Jesus Christ, our Lord,
in the unity of the Holy Spirit,
one God, forever and ever.

Amen.

Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us now and at the hour of our death.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us now and at the hour of our death.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us now and at the hour of our death.

Jesus, I trust in You!
Jesus, I trust in You!
Jesus, I trust in You!
 
thank you for the words and prayers.
i dont really worry about him… it has been so long with no contact, to hear from him and start communicating is different…
who knows.
only God knows…
 
DAY NINE

:signofcross:

PRAYER TO ST. MONICA

Dear St. Monica,
troubled wife and mother,
many sorrows pierced your heart during your lifetime.
Yet, you never despaired or lost faith.
With confidence, persistence, and profound faith,
you prayed daily for the conversion
of your beloved husband, Patricius,
and your beloved son, Augustine;
your prayers were answered.
Grant me that same fortitude, patience,
and trust in the Lord.
Intercede for me, dear St. Monica,
that God may favorably hear my plea for

the wisdom, perseverance, and patience for me and the continued sobriety, compassion and wisdom for my DH, (the cop) Roy,

and grant me the grace to accept His Will in all things,
through Jesus Christ, our Lord,
in the unity of the Holy Spirit,
one God, forever and ever.

Amen.

:signofcross:

I humbly thank you dear St. Monica for taking my prayers
with love and tenderness and placing them before our Beloved Father
and His Son, our Savior Jesus Christ. You have asked Them for
me to grant these lowly intercessions for our good that we may
better serve Him and one another.
AMEN
 
Day 6 Novena to St. Monica, done

When are you going to “kick in” St. Monica??!!:confused:
 
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