M
mavdragon
Guest
Hydin,
Thank you so much for all your posts. Thank you specifically for the actionable stuff and for the affirmation and encouragement.
- Status
Thank you so much for all your posts. Thank you specifically for the actionable stuff and for the affirmation and encouragement.
S
Still_Hoping
Guest
Have you thought about reaching out to other spouses like yourself by creating a group?
H
hydin
Guest
Sorry I have been absent. Weekend was loaded with training and religion classes starting… I will be more active in the next couple of days… I am keeping up (as of tonight).
There is a horrible movie called Adaptation where an actor who I can’t remember plays twins. At a key point in the movie one twin kids the other about something that happened in high school… he had asked a girl to prom… and she made fun of him behind his back. Brother was throwing it up in his face. the response the other twin has was filled with wisdom… Not a direct quote but close. I knew she laughed… it made no difference. It was my love to give… she didn’t have to accept it but it is only my decision who to love. No one has the right to tell you who to love… it is your love and your love alone.
Never be ashamed of loving (not saying you are… just reading some of the comments… I to have held on to and will continue to hold on to hope of reconciliation. As Catholics we hear divorce played down out of political correctness. In the last 30 years the number of decrees of nullity granted in the US have exceeded the number granted in the history of the Cathholic Church outside of the US. LA, and about 5 other huge cities over the first 20 years of the same period granted 100% of the requests for nullity. God has final judgement over such things and I suspect there are going to be surprises.
Take you time on any decision. No person on this board has to walk in your shoes for the next 60 years. Take all the advice in and determine what fits you. I tell my class of teenagers… 2 things about advice… 1 you don’t have to take it…and 2 - which I have failed to put in place too many times… you do not have to tell the person you are not taking their advice. "thanks, I hadn’t thought of it exactly that way " or That is an interesting perspective… I have to think about that for a while… work great.
two words to use when needed… Struggle… Great word… the person hearing it defines it to suit their needs… I am struggling with … If they think it is minor then you struggle is minor. the other is OUCH… when a comment is tossed your way you do not have to respond in kind… A simple ouch… or even “I guess I had that coming” … works the same way… responds so they know they were heard but does not continue the combat…
bonus… Words every male must learn… hopefully sooner in life than me… when a female mentions a problem or situation that does not directly concern us at that moment, rather than assuming we are to “fix it” (all guys do it… ugghhhh) gently ask… "what are you needing from me now? If they are perplexed, admit, I usually jump right to “fix it” but I don’t like it when I do that. do you just need me to listen or is there something else?
You are doing fine. Things seem semi stable. she is watching you… One wise sage told me years ago… I had to learn to speak cat… Like interesting a cat… you have to draw them in with interest. you can’t go right at a cat or they run. you have to make them curious. You are changing … they must see it, test it, see it until it is believed. Makes sense … we had been the “other way” for so long… 6 months to realize changes… another 6 to believe them… expect that. The absolute worst thing that can come of you working on yourself is that your wife chooses not be benefit from them. You will benefit from them no matter her decision. Your kids are watching too. Even the 17 year old. Don’t be afraid to let him in on some of the stuff you are working on… No mention of the wife or that stuff… how you reacted to him in the past… or even share how life isn’t always fair but we are called to act in a certain way no matter what. He is old enough where he sees some of your flaws… watch the reaction when you tell him… Shifts the relationship to one of openness and trust. Still dad but not perfect…You are teaching how to be a good man. He is noticing…
There is a horrible movie called Adaptation where an actor who I can’t remember plays twins. At a key point in the movie one twin kids the other about something that happened in high school… he had asked a girl to prom… and she made fun of him behind his back. Brother was throwing it up in his face. the response the other twin has was filled with wisdom… Not a direct quote but close. I knew she laughed… it made no difference. It was my love to give… she didn’t have to accept it but it is only my decision who to love. No one has the right to tell you who to love… it is your love and your love alone.
Never be ashamed of loving (not saying you are… just reading some of the comments… I to have held on to and will continue to hold on to hope of reconciliation. As Catholics we hear divorce played down out of political correctness. In the last 30 years the number of decrees of nullity granted in the US have exceeded the number granted in the history of the Cathholic Church outside of the US. LA, and about 5 other huge cities over the first 20 years of the same period granted 100% of the requests for nullity. God has final judgement over such things and I suspect there are going to be surprises.
Take you time on any decision. No person on this board has to walk in your shoes for the next 60 years. Take all the advice in and determine what fits you. I tell my class of teenagers… 2 things about advice… 1 you don’t have to take it…and 2 - which I have failed to put in place too many times… you do not have to tell the person you are not taking their advice. "thanks, I hadn’t thought of it exactly that way " or That is an interesting perspective… I have to think about that for a while… work great.
two words to use when needed… Struggle… Great word… the person hearing it defines it to suit their needs… I am struggling with … If they think it is minor then you struggle is minor. the other is OUCH… when a comment is tossed your way you do not have to respond in kind… A simple ouch… or even “I guess I had that coming” … works the same way… responds so they know they were heard but does not continue the combat…
bonus… Words every male must learn… hopefully sooner in life than me… when a female mentions a problem or situation that does not directly concern us at that moment, rather than assuming we are to “fix it” (all guys do it… ugghhhh) gently ask… "what are you needing from me now? If they are perplexed, admit, I usually jump right to “fix it” but I don’t like it when I do that. do you just need me to listen or is there something else?
You are doing fine. Things seem semi stable. she is watching you… One wise sage told me years ago… I had to learn to speak cat… Like interesting a cat… you have to draw them in with interest. you can’t go right at a cat or they run. you have to make them curious. You are changing … they must see it, test it, see it until it is believed. Makes sense … we had been the “other way” for so long… 6 months to realize changes… another 6 to believe them… expect that. The absolute worst thing that can come of you working on yourself is that your wife chooses not be benefit from them. You will benefit from them no matter her decision. Your kids are watching too. Even the 17 year old. Don’t be afraid to let him in on some of the stuff you are working on… No mention of the wife or that stuff… how you reacted to him in the past… or even share how life isn’t always fair but we are called to act in a certain way no matter what. He is old enough where he sees some of your flaws… watch the reaction when you tell him… Shifts the relationship to one of openness and trust. Still dad but not perfect…You are teaching how to be a good man. He is noticing…
E
E_7
Guest
This is because men are problem-solvers. If the wife throws something at the husband:
Wife: I did the laundry, but it’s still in the dryer.
Husband: You know, I don’t want to do that. I’m busy.
Wife: Hey! I was just letting you know so when you go to the drawers and see there’s no clean underwear, know it’s in the dryer.
Men think that they are asked or required to solve or fix whatever their wives talk about. Mostly, women want men to listen and sometimes give feedback of approval, not to find solutions.
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mavdragon
Guest
I actually joined the group on this forum. I posted there. Wasn’t much activity there and was somewhat restrictive in how you post so I made this post here.
M
mavdragon
Guest
Thank you Hydin for sharing your thoughts. I always appreciate your posts for they are well thought out, helpful and insightful. Thank you for the encouragement and patience.
S
Still_Hoping
Guest
You would think that somehow you could find that sort of support here. Maybe you could try at a local church or group in your community.
H
HollowGhost
Guest
Having successfully saved my marriage, I can’t agree more. If you are to truly forgive, then as few as possible people outside your marriage need to know. A priest, a best and trusted friend, and a counselor or two and that is it. My wife knows what she did is wrong and one thing I have learned is that she suffers possibly more then I do with the consequences of her past poor decisions. She too has her own demons and a cross to bare. We have managed to keep this from our children, in-laws, family, and friends. We chose to double-down on each other by trusting in God’s grace and re-build our marriage. I chose to forgive; to “tell on her” to friends and family would not only shame and humiliate her, but continue to crucify her. She has shamed and humiliated herself enough (her own words) and needs no further help from me. I have found that as much as her affair hurt me, she hurts as well. When you truly love another person, you actually feel sorry for them in this regard. Be a man, don’t be petty. If you can forgive, do so and move forward, hopefully together, and move on.
S
Still_Hoping
Guest
Mavdragon,
I hope things are looking up. Give us an update. God bless you and may He watch over your family always.
I hope things are looking up. Give us an update. God bless you and may He watch over your family always.
M
mavdragon
Guest
Well here are two things I found helpful in the last week. One was a catholic teaching on marriage which can be found here.
The Choice to Have God in Our Marriages - Spousal Prayer w/ Deacon James Keating
youtube.com/watch?v=IiCCQIdunO4
The other was my search in how to discern what God wants for my life and my marriage. I found this incredible series from the same people that created the above video on marriage.
#01 Introduction - The Discernment of Spirits /w Fr. Timothy Gallagher, OMV
youtube.com/watch?v=13JTc5XP6M0
Also God has reached out to me apart from this forum, a fellow male friend from the men’s CMF (Christian Men’s Fellowship) group at my home parish church. We have known each other for years, but only since tragedy has struck in both our families have we began to become friends. Our Daughters have been the best of friends for years. he has sent me invitations to come talk to him over lunch in which he would normally pay for, or come to his house and bring my family to his house to enjoy his pool and sit and enjoy the afternoon with our families. Whenever we go over there I get to see my kids playing with his, and I get to spend time talking with him and time playing with my kids. They always feed us along with their large family. They make us feel like part of their family. Last Sunday They even included Us in their family Rosary. I truly feel God’s presence in these events and I’m very Thankful for these consolations from the Holy spirit.
I saw a video from Father Larry Richards in which he mentioned that we should spend time praying with God when we get up in the morning and when we go to bed at night. And during these times he recommends bible roulette. Find where God wants to speak to you and then read the bible until something your reading speaks to you. Also very important part of this is invoking the Holy Spirit before opening the bible. I have been practicing this for a couple weeks now and it has been very good for me.
I wake up in the morning and make my bed, offering it up for the Salvation of my wife’s soul.
I have a Crucifix I keep in my bedroom which I kiss the feet of Jesus twice a day.
Yesterday I went to a Catholic Book store with my kids. My daughter had never been there so since I had time to go the three of us, my Youngest Son, my Daughter and I went. My daughter picked out a bracelet with seven gifts of the holy spirit. My son go his own rosary beads, and I picked out a miraculous medal and found a portrait of the Virgin Mary to place somewhere in my home where I will see it every day.
My wife my oldest son and I went to drop off my son’s car to be repaired at a garage about 20 mins from our house. The idea was that my son would drive his car their and the three of us would ride back in my car. He has a drivers training test this Tuesday and needed the power steering fixed in his car before the test. during the trip, my wife takes many opportunities to talk to my son about his upcoming test and about what she thinks he should be doing. She never once tries to talk to me. Occasionally we both expressed views on our sons current situation, and sometimes we disagreed about things, so we did interact with each other, but not directly. On the way home I wanted to swing over to the practice range and let my son try to practice his backing and parking skills. I asked his mother if she was ok with it, and she resisted with less than convincing reasons why we should just go home. I then mentioned that I thought she would want to do whatever it took to help her son be successful in his upcoming drivers test, and then she either softened to the idea or went silent, I’m not sure I remember which. So we went there and found that another person was already there and we were not able to practice. It was getting late and we headed for home, but not before stopping at Wendy’s from some small frosties for the family. I bought a frosty for each child and for myself, but did not offer to buy one for my wife, since I knew she would just refuse to allow me to buy her one. I have offered many times in the past to include her in meals I bought for the family and she almost always says she’s find and doesn’t need anything.
This little story gives an example of how my marital life is going.
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1990Domer
Guest
This is only my two cents, but in the future, I would get her a frosty as an act of kindness. If she refuses, you at least know you made the effort out of love for her.
S
Still_Hoping
Guest
Mavdragon,
This is great news. Yes, it is not the ideal situation for any marriage but it is stable at least and the tension seems to have simmered down, at least for now. Let us hope and continue to pray because even the tiniest seeds of hope and faith can grow into something great. Do not lose hope. You are an inspiration to other men and women because of your desire to be holy, save your family and your wife. God bless. Thank you for the links I will look at them.
Remember do not feel alone. This friend of yours is helpful and continue to seek his companionship and pray together. God is helping you.
This is great news. Yes, it is not the ideal situation for any marriage but it is stable at least and the tension seems to have simmered down, at least for now. Let us hope and continue to pray because even the tiniest seeds of hope and faith can grow into something great. Do not lose hope. You are an inspiration to other men and women because of your desire to be holy, save your family and your wife. God bless. Thank you for the links I will look at them.
Remember do not feel alone. This friend of yours is helpful and continue to seek his companionship and pray together. God is helping you.
S
Still_Hoping
Guest
I think he has in the past and she refused but I will let him answer that.
S
Still_Hoping
Guest
M
mavdragon
Guest
My wife served me divorce papers yesterday.
1
1990Domer
Guest
I, too, thought the outing was great like you said! My thought…don’t give the wife any ammunition to say, “Well you didn’t buy me ice cream.” In other words, let the OP assume nothing from the past. Clean break…start anew like when you were first dating!
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heidi_storage
Guest
I’m sorry. If you haven’t seen a lawyer, do so pronto; don’t move out; and make sure she hasn’t transferred any of your financial assets.
1
1990Domer
Guest
OMG, I am so sorry. This must be crushing. I don’t have any words. I pray for you, your precious children and your wife that she may reconsider and understand that divorce is never a solution.
I will offer up my sufferings for you today, as well as my rosary.
God bless you. Stay strong, as He has a plan for you!
S
styrgwillidar
Guest
Sorry, Don’t move out. Focus on the kids- do not drag your relationship with their mother into your relationship with them.
She needs to find a place and move out, you and the kids can help so the kids can feel like it is their home with her as well and feel less like visitors there. I’m assuming you’ll try and do joint custody and the’ll spend half their time there, since statistically it’s better for the kids. She may not keep it that way, but it’s about all you can do for now.
As far as dealing with her- going through a mediator for a divorce is cheaper and easier than an adversarial divorce with two lawyers. If you both can be calm and rational in splitting things and making arrangements regarding custody.
- Status