Struggling with NFP

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Serap

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I have being using NFP now for 3 months. I am finding it a bit of a struggle because my husband does not share my spiritual beliefs. While he is a kind man, a wonderful husband and excellent father, he is not a religious man and we have a wonderful marriage.

It was difficult this weekend because I was still in my fertile window and he really wanted to make love to me. I said no and I’ve never flat out said no before. He was really hurt and felt rejected - he’s a sensitive soul. The next day (a safe day), I tried to initiate lovemaking, but he then rejected me and I could tell he was still hurt. He was sour with me and was giving me the silent treatment.

To show him I love him, I did something for him that I knew would make him happy. He then softened up and we later made love.

I told him that I don’t want to use ABC anymore and that if he wishes to make love during my fertile time, then he should use a condom because I am bound to not use ABC.

I don’t want NFP to hurt my marriage and it makes it difficult when your husband doesn’t share your spiritual beliefs.

Any comments/thoughts?
 
**Is he open to having a baby right now? Leave the decision in his hands…if he approaches you during a fertile time, just let him know you are fertile and the let him decide on what to do. Hearing a flat out “no” would be hard on any man, Catholic or not.

If you both agree that you need to postpone conception then encourage him to be involved in your charting. If he can see ahead of time that you are in a fertile phase he won’t put himself in the position to get rejected.

I would also let him know that it was never your intent to make him feel rejected…and that you are sorry. But then tell him that his rejection of you was deliberate and very hurtful. Hopefully he will be man enough to apologize. Marriage is never about getting even:(**
 
I’m so sorry you are struggling… 😦
I wish I had advice that would help in your situation, but my experience with my husband is 100% on the same page with NFP.
I’m sure there are others who have been through a similar situation that may be able to shed more light on how they’ve managed… but maybe consider talking to your priest or seek marriage counseling in order to communicate effectively without resentment. Counseling isn’t only for marriages that have gone bad… it can also be preventative when you foresee issues that can cause problems. It may be prudent just for the sake of healthy communication.

You’ll be in my prayers… God bless.

Editing to add… Malia makes a beautiful point about having him participate in the decision. Your fertility is his fertility. Even using a condom during that fertile time is “risky”. Discuss whether or not he is willing to accept another baby.
 
When the hubby says he wants the marital act–say Great! You realize there is a good chance of pregnancy at this time right? Let him be in the dirver’s seat so to speak.
 
NFP does not work for everyone-contray to popular Catholic belief.
Do the best that you can but do not put NFP ahead of maintaing your marriage. Talk to a priest about everything you have tried and how you feel. Bring your husband with you if possible. Ultimately, you must make the best decision for your whole family. Pray about it but do not let it make you nervous (scrupulous ) or upset.
 
MariaTheresa said:
NFP does not work for everyone-contray to popular Catholic belief.
Do the best that you can but do not put NFP ahead of maintaing your marriage. Talk to a priest about everything you have tried and how you feel. Bring your husband with you if possible. Ultimately, you must make the best decision for your whole family. Pray about it but do not let it make you nervous (scrupulous ) or upset.
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True as far as it goes, but you did not mention acceptable alternatives, and contraception isn’t one of them.
 
Serap said:
I have being using NFP now for 3 months. I am finding it a bit of a struggle because my husband does not share my spiritual beliefs. While he is a kind man, a wonderful husband and excellent father, he is not a religious man and we have a wonderful marriage.

It was difficult this weekend because I was still in my fertile window and he really wanted to make love to me. I said no and I’ve never flat out said no before. He was really hurt and felt rejected - he’s a sensitive soul. The next day (a safe day), I tried to initiate lovemaking, but he then rejected me and I could tell he was still hurt. He was sour with me and was giving me the silent treatment.

To show him I love him, I did something for him that I knew would make him happy. He then softened up and we later made love.

I told him that I don’t want to use ABC anymore and that if he wishes to make love during my fertile time, then he should use a condom because I am bound to not use ABC.

I don’t want NFP to hurt my marriage and it makes it difficult when your husband doesn’t share your spiritual beliefs.

Any comments/thoughts?
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I’m in a very similar, though opposite, situation. My wife is the one not on board with NFP. We have been using NFP for one year, and like you, it has been difficult.

Condoms are ABC. Not accepted in Church teaching.

You may want to read “Good News about Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West. Perhaps a better understanding of Theology of the Body will help you and your husband. Also, you may want to consider doing other things to show love for your husband during those times that you are abstaining. If he is going to respect your wishes to follow Church teaching, you could show him your love and respect in other ways.

I agree that this is a very difficult situation. My wife and I are really struggling with this. She wants to give up NFP for ABC. And her cycles are such that her non-fertile times are a couple of days each month.

All the best to you and your husband. God Bless.
 
embwt said:
I’m in a very similar, though opposite, situation. My wife is the one not on board with NFP. We have been using NFP for one year, and like you, it has been difficult.

Condoms are ABC. Not accepted in Church teaching.

You may want to read “Good News about Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West. Perhaps a better understanding of Theology of the Body will help you and your husband. Also, you may want to consider doing other things to show love for your husband during those times that you are abstaining. If he is going to respect your wishes to follow Church teaching, you could show him your love and respect in other ways.

I agree that this is a very difficult situation. My wife and I are really struggling with this. She wants to give up NFP for ABC. And her cycles are such that her non-fertile times are a couple of days each month.

All the best to you and your husband. God Bless.
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I hear you and thank you!

There is a post by Fr. Vincent Serpa that states that if NFP is causing problems in your marriage, then under those circumstances allow your spouse to use ABC, but tell them how you feel about it, but not necessarily everytime your spouse uses ABC.

I can find the original post if you like. That’s why I told my DH to use condoms during my fertile time if he disagrees with NFP. He doesn’t share my believes and although I don’t want to cause him to sin; making him feel rejected can cause him to sin in other ways. KWIM?
 
Serap said:
I hear you and thank you!

There is a post by Fr. Vincent Serpa that states that if NFP is causing problems in your marriage, then under those circumstances allow your spouse to use ABC, but tell them how you feel about it, but not necessarily everytime your spouse uses ABC.
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Wow!

I would love to see the context of those comments.

–Rico
 
Serap said:
I hear you and thank you!

There is a post by Fr. Vincent Serpa that states that if NFP is causing problems in your marriage, then under those circumstances allow your spouse to use ABC, but tell them how you feel about it, but not necessarily everytime your spouse uses ABC.

I can find the original post if you like. That’s why I told my DH to use condoms during my fertile time if he disagrees with NFP. He doesn’t share my believes and although I don’t want to cause him to sin; making him feel rejected can cause him to sin in other ways. KWIM?
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You missed part of the process, YOU MAY NOT TELL HIM TO USE CONTRACEPTION. You tell him, “I’m using NFP, I’m fertile. If we engage in relations I may fall pregnant”. Let him decide what to do. Tell him that you are against any form of contraception and tell him why you feel it is wrong.

While it’s true that NFP can be challenging for some women, for the majority, it is quite effective. There are at least 4 variations of NFP, so finding one that works may be part of the process, as each woman is different. Contraception for a Catholic is never a moral option to choose.
 
Rico_S said:
Wow!

I would love to see the context of those comments.

–Rico
Click to expand...
**
Just do a search in the AAA forum, there are lots of questions with the same theme. But it ultimately comes down to free will. She cannot make her husband embrace NFP nor can she make him not wear a condom. Her duty (morally) is to gently and lovingly try to convince him of the reasons NFP is the moral choice while not standing in the way of his free will. She cannot tell him condoms are ok, just that the choice is up to him.

I went through the reverse situation earlier in my marriage. I was not Catholic, I was using ABC, and my husband was trying to convince me to use NFP instead. He patiently and lovingly guided me to the truth about contraception. That was the first step in my conversion. If he had refused relations with me because I was sinning or tried to force me to use NFP in any other way I would have just dug in my heels and pushed back. It would not have been a good situation. He put our marriage first, and that simple kind act lead to my conversion.**
 
I agree with the other posters–rather than telling your DH “no,” tell him that you are really attracted to him too, etc. but that you are fertile and there’s a good chance you’ll have a baby if you have relations. It moves the issue from a rejection one to a decision on being responsible about family planning…something that is much easier for a spouse to hear. 👍
 
Serap said:
I hear you and thank you!

There is a post by Fr. Vincent Serpa that states that if NFP is causing problems in your marriage, then under those circumstances allow your spouse to use ABC, but tell them how you feel about it, but not necessarily everytime your spouse uses ABC.

I can find the original post if you like. That’s why I told my DH to use condoms during my fertile time if he disagrees with NFP. He doesn’t share my believes and although I don’t want to cause him to sin; making him feel rejected can cause him to sin in other ways. KWIM?
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I looked for the Father Vincent Serpa post you referenced but couldn’t find it. If you know where it is, please send the link along. Thanks.

Yes, I know what you mean, but telling your husband to use a condom because you are fertile is knowingly sinning yourself. Am I wrong?

I understand your struggle. My wife also does not share my beliefs. I joined e5men recently and am fasting today for my wife. I would suggest you pray for your husband and lovingly try to explain your beliefs to him.
 
kevinsgirl said:
I agree with the other posters–rather than telling your DH “no,” tell him that you are really attracted to him too, etc. but that you are fertile and there’s a good chance you’ll have a baby if you have relations. It moves the issue from a rejection one to a decision on being responsible about family planning…something that is much easier for a spouse to hear. 👍
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btw…congrats on your pregnancy…hopefully not too much fatigue and morning sickness…I wish you a healthy ride 😃

The deeper issue is my husband wanting me to use my diaphram and me telling him that I no longer want to use it. I was using a diaphram up until 3 months ago and he just got used to me using it. Now I am telling him that I no longer want to use my device and he doesn’t fully understand. Now I’m telling him that if he really wants to make love during my fertile time, another option (up to him entirely) is for HIM to use a condom. I’m not telling him to embrace NFP nor am I telling him to not use a condom, but I’m giving him free will.

St. Francis said something like: the best way to evangelise is by showing someone Christ’s love by being the vessel of kindness and occassionally throwing in some scripture.

I’m not going to be mean to my DH and start preaching to him. I want to treat him with compassion, love and understanding. I too once had his views not long ago. He’s a good husband and deserves to be treated that way.
 
Use what kind of birth control that works best for you as a couple as long as it is not abortifacient (sp). Talk to your preist or a trusted Catholic guide. If you present your situation and the conflicts to your priest, he will help you work it out one way or another. NFP is a certain kind of lifestyle that both partners have to be into or it doesn’t work-it is not for everyone despite that we hear that. There are too many people who end up fighting in their marriage and ruining their home life and family life over this. Do the best you can and talk to your priest and leave it at that.
 
MariaTheresa;4386186**:
Use what kind of birth control that works best for you as a couple as long as it is not abortifacient (sp).
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Talk to your preist or a trusted Catholic guide. If you present your situation and the conflicts to your priest, he will help you work it out one way or another. NFP is a certain kind of lifestyle that both partners have to be into or it doesn’t work-it is not for everyone despite that we hear that. There are too many people who end up fighting in their marriage and ruining their home life and family life over this. Do the best you can and talk to your priest and leave it at that.

Sorry, but if she is asking for Catholic advice, that is not it. The Teachings are not against abortifacients, they are against all kinds of contraception (anything that inhibits the natural act). It doesn’t matter what a priest advices a couple, if he advises contraception he is gravely wrong and will have to answer to it for leading his flock so far astray.
 
I know that is not the official teaching but there we are talking about the place where the highest ideal meets the reality of life.
These things have to be sorted out.The living leaders in the Church are there to help us sort out the written down “rules”.
I do think it matters deeply what her priest says. This is how we sort things out. We go to the people God has provided for our spiritual direction, we pray , we think, we look for information etc. Trying to solve this issue on one’s one or just by listening to people on a forum is not enough. Anytime there is a spiritual issue that you are struggling with, your priest shoudl be sought out if at all possible.
 
Don’t be fooled Serap. All contraceptive use is immoral, and a priest telling you it’s ok is no more correct than if a priest told you it was ok to alleive financial woes by going out and robbing a liquor store at gunpoint by appealing to the “universal destination of goods”. The abortifacient/non-abortifacient contraceptive is a red herring and particularly galling because I had a dissenting RCIA director try to float that turd in our group.
 
Feanaro’s Wife brought up a good point though. She used to contracept with her husband and he gently tried to convince her to do otherwise. Her husband still made love to her while she was contracepting and his lovingness and compassion is what began her conversion process.

This is consistent with what Vicent Serpa had written in the AAA section. I am unable to find the post. I looked for it and couldn’t find it.

I will do everything to dissuade my husband from making love during my fertile time, but if he’s feeling rejected and doesn’t understand, he needs my loving and understanding also. It’s my job to show him God’s love, not to reject him and make him feel unloved. It it’s going to hurt our marriage, then I will protect him from other greater sins.

My husband has free will and if he chooses to contracept during my fertile time, then that is his free will. I am not setting out to make him sin.

I can additionally pray to St. Monica and ask her for her intercession for my husband’s conversion. I can pray to God and ask him to show himself to my husband in a way that my husband can’t deny it.

I also called my priest for an appt a week ago and am waiting for him to call me. He’s very busy, so it may take him a while to get back to me.
 
I will pray for you and your husband. It sounds like you have got your act together, and I second Feanaro’s Wife’s advice.
 
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