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hellosunshine
Guest
Yes, he would have respected my decision to not go farther. I seduced him out of anxiety. He doesn’t bring it up, but it eats at my mind every second of the day
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mommamaree
Guest
Hi hellosunshine!
I like your cheerful screen name.
First, sexual contact outside of marriage is a sin. Please remember this. Even though you didn’t have intercourse, it is still a sexual sin. But the good news is, God is waiting for you in the sacrament of reconciliation to forgive and heal you! When you receive absolution, you know for certain that God has removed the stain of sin from you as far as the east is from the west. How wonderful!
Second, you must try to forgive your boyfriend for his past sexual sins. What he did in a previous relationship is in no way different from what you two are doing now. So, even as you both try, with God’s help, to return to a chaste relationship, do your very best to extend the same kind of forgiveness for his past indiscretions.
Third, if this relationship does not lead to marriage, sad as that may be, that does not mean that either of you are unworthy of being loved and forgiven by your future spouses. so many people struggle with sexual sin these days, in large part because our society actually promotes it. What was once taboo is now celebrated openly. Christians are not exempt from this struggle. We are called to a higher standard, but God is always ready to help us resist temptation and forgive us when we fall.
Lastly, don’t get too hung up on vocabulary. Even if your previous sexual experiences means that you are not completely a virgin, decide now, with God’s help, to be a born-again virgin!
I like your cheerful screen name.
First, sexual contact outside of marriage is a sin. Please remember this. Even though you didn’t have intercourse, it is still a sexual sin. But the good news is, God is waiting for you in the sacrament of reconciliation to forgive and heal you! When you receive absolution, you know for certain that God has removed the stain of sin from you as far as the east is from the west. How wonderful!
Second, you must try to forgive your boyfriend for his past sexual sins. What he did in a previous relationship is in no way different from what you two are doing now. So, even as you both try, with God’s help, to return to a chaste relationship, do your very best to extend the same kind of forgiveness for his past indiscretions.
Third, if this relationship does not lead to marriage, sad as that may be, that does not mean that either of you are unworthy of being loved and forgiven by your future spouses. so many people struggle with sexual sin these days, in large part because our society actually promotes it. What was once taboo is now celebrated openly. Christians are not exempt from this struggle. We are called to a higher standard, but God is always ready to help us resist temptation and forgive us when we fall.
Lastly, don’t get too hung up on vocabulary. Even if your previous sexual experiences means that you are not completely a virgin, decide now, with God’s help, to be a born-again virgin!
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Chevaleresse
Guest
No, because I think it relates to you.
Who are you to say that?
What’s minor?
Better single than sorry.
The last thing she needs is to marry someone and regret it. I know a few people who thought they could deal with their spouse’s past. Nope. Couldn’t.
Sure, after someone gets married.
Oh, interesting. Care to elaborate?
You are telling her to forget it. You’re confusing forgetting with forgiving. Don’t make her feel bad for not wanting to accept someone’s undesirable past.
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moon1234
Guest
Don’t try to compare yourself to an ex. A man’s mind does not work this way. He is focused on you not an ex. There is a reason they are no longer together. He may have not know what he did in the past was wrong, he made a mistake, was overtaken by emotion, spur of the moment, etc.
MOST men attach the feeling of being loved to sexual attention. Even in marraige most men assess being loved by how natural relations and affection are exchanged. For a single male, who does not have this experience of a relationship, it is EASY to fall into temptation.
It sounds like he is a good man, just stop worrying about what he did or did not do with women in his past. It is not a chart where you must have the tallest line or best statistic.
If you want some reassurance I can guarantee you that if he is NOT masturbating and NOT having sex with you then he is already expressing a LOT of love for you. It is VERY temptiong to do the first action and to WANT to do the second when you have strong feelings for another person. This is something that MOST women won’t understand as a man’s sexual drive is very different from a woman’s.
MOST men attach the feeling of being loved to sexual attention. Even in marraige most men assess being loved by how natural relations and affection are exchanged. For a single male, who does not have this experience of a relationship, it is EASY to fall into temptation.
It sounds like he is a good man, just stop worrying about what he did or did not do with women in his past. It is not a chart where you must have the tallest line or best statistic.
If you want some reassurance I can guarantee you that if he is NOT masturbating and NOT having sex with you then he is already expressing a LOT of love for you. It is VERY temptiong to do the first action and to WANT to do the second when you have strong feelings for another person. This is something that MOST women won’t understand as a man’s sexual drive is very different from a woman’s.
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hellosunshine
Guest
So I’m not a virgin?Hi hellosunshine!
I like your cheerful screen name.
First, sexual contact outside of marriage is a sin. Please remember this. Even though you didn’t have intercourse, it is still a sexual sin. But the good news is, God is waiting for you in the sacrament of reconciliation to forgive and heal you! When you receive absolution, you know for certain that God has removed the stain of sin from you as far as the east is from the west. How wonderful!
Second, you must try to forgive your boyfriend for his past sexual sins. What he did in a previous relationship is in no way different from what you two are doing now. So, even as you both try, with God’s help, to return to a chaste relationship, do your very best to extend the same kind of forgiveness for his past indiscretions.
Third, if this relationship does not lead to marriage, sad as that may be, that does not mean that either of you are unworthy of being loved and forgiven by your future spouses. so many people struggle with sexual sin these days, in large part because our society actually promotes it. What was once taboo is now celebrated openly. Christians are not exempt from this struggle. We are called to a higher standard, but God is always ready to help us resist temptation and forgive us when we fall.
Lastly, don’t get too hung up on vocabulary. Even if your previous sexual experiences means that you are not completely a virgin, decide now, with God’s help, to be a born-again virgin!
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moon1234
Guest
@Chevaleresse
I am going to toss you up as a troll and not dignify answering your questions. I am trying to help the OP, why not offer some help instead of insult. The choise is ultimately hers, but she came here asking for advice and not criticism.
I am going to toss you up as a troll and not dignify answering your questions. I am trying to help the OP, why not offer some help instead of insult. The choise is ultimately hers, but she came here asking for advice and not criticism.
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Chevaleresse
Guest
There’s men out there who you don’t have to do that with.
Since people like moon1234 coerce people into thinking someone’s past should not be an issue (foolishly), people do things they later regret thinking “someone has to accept it”.
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Chevaleresse
Guest
Didn’t think you would elaborate. I wonder why.
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Chevaleresse
Guest
Lack of control suggests otherwise.
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moon1234
Guest
Please read the definition of a virgin in the Catholic Encyclopedia and decide for yourself: newadvent.org/cathen/15458a.htm
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Chevaleresse
Guest
If you say things that secularists normally say (“sexual sin is no big deal, everyone does it”) expect to be challenged on it. It is good for Catholics to want good things in a spouse. You are telling her it is not good. That’s wrong.
Calling me a troll just allows you to escape your responsibility of answering criticism.
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hellosunshine
Guest
He didn’t just do it once. He did it for years. He started when he was 14 :’(
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mommamaree
Guest
Oh, dear.
Sweetie, I said “even if you are not completely a virgin”. I was putting forth an example because you seemed really concerned. I was trying to alleviate your concern, but apparently my words had the opposite effect.
From my own personal experience, I will offer a more specific example. My fiancé and I fooled around sexually for months without having intercourse. I knew I couldn’t keep calling myself a virgin during that time, but it didn’t bother me too much (I wasn’t raised to understand marriage and sex properly). However, one night we did end up “going all the way”. That night, I knew I was forever different. In the Bible, it speaks of a man “knowing” his wife when he has intercourse with her. After that night, I “knew”. And I am so glad he is my husband. We are going on fifteen years now. Looking back, even though I was still technically a virgin, prior to the experience of intercourse, I knew I was not completely one. Now I regret that somewhat. So does my husband. But getting too hung up on labels is unhealthy. What matters is our relationship with God and how we treat others. So, if you made a mistake, however large or small, it is always possible with God to be forgiven and healed and start fresh. Unfortunately, our fellow human beings tend to be less forgiving. And we always find it hardest to forgive ourselves.
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Chevaleresse
Guest
Be extremely careful to not confuse forgiveness with acceptance. One is required of us, the other is not.
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moon1234
Guest
Did he know any better during this time? Remember for a sin to be mortal one must know it is wrong, it must be a gravely wrong sin and one must give their full assent to commiting it. If any of those requirements are missing then the sin is not mortal and his culpability for them is limited.
It would be a different matter if he knew all of this was wrong and just tossed caution to wind and did what he wanted. Only you can determine this for yourself by asking him.
This is what I mean by juding him based on his past. If he didn’t know something was wrong or inappropriate then how can you hold him liable for something he did not know he should not do?
When you and he were playing with each other, I assume you knew it was wrong and allowed it to happen? Did he know it was wrong?
In any event, you maybe would be best served by speaking with your confessor (priest or whomever gives you religious guidance in the parish) and asking that person for assistance. The views of many on an internet board will vary widely.
It would be a different matter if he knew all of this was wrong and just tossed caution to wind and did what he wanted. Only you can determine this for yourself by asking him.
This is what I mean by juding him based on his past. If he didn’t know something was wrong or inappropriate then how can you hold him liable for something he did not know he should not do?
When you and he were playing with each other, I assume you knew it was wrong and allowed it to happen? Did he know it was wrong?
In any event, you maybe would be best served by speaking with your confessor (priest or whomever gives you religious guidance in the parish) and asking that person for assistance. The views of many on an internet board will vary widely.
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Chevaleresse
Guest
He is still responsible for his actions. He’s just not morally culpable for them. Big difference. Doesn’t change the past.
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moon1234
Guest
Yes, but constantly dwelling on the past is not proper either.
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mommamaree
Guest
Thanks for that lesson there Chevaleresse.
Good grief. I am accepting of people, not of the sin. I am understanding about how easy it is to fall into sin of any kind, including pride.
I do believe that forgiveness includes a willingness to move past a transgression and begin again.
So, in that spirit, I forgive you for your rudeness directed at me, and the apparent arrogance of your post. I accept you, and acknowledge that this is a very personal topic. Now, shall we move past this and return to helping the OP?
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Chevaleresse
Guest
I never said anything about dwelling on it. I said either accepting it or rejecting it. Simple.
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Chevaleresse
Guest
No problem.Thanks for that lesson there Chevaleresse.
Good for you. Oh, a bit ironic about the pride part, yeah?
You may believe it, but it is not required of forgiveness. Don’t make the OP feel that she has to accept a man’s past as a part of forgiveness. That’s just mean.
Thanks a bunch. Couldn’t help but slip in a shot yourself, could you?
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