Dear Moe
My computer keeps on crashing on me and freezing, so if you don’t hear from me, please know that you are in my heart, thoughts and prayers every day.
Before i could press ‘submit reply’ a black screen appeared and everything was frozen - technology! I tried to explain to you why you are not pathetic and that even though you may never comprehend how -
you have lifted the veil that was over my eyes.
As for
you being
pathetic - **NO! ** I have been stuck in a ‘time tunnel’ with my grief. I have good days and then bang! a bad one appears. A cloud of depression still circles me, and i have been grieving for 20 months. Your loss is still so very RAW - 9 weeks is not a long time. You are consumed with grief - so natural! Please don’t be down on yourself. When depression takes over we see things differently. I have been there and am still there. One thing i regret is that i pushed my baby away in a sense. I was so consumed in my grief that i neglected him emotionally. When i would cry - at 2 years of age he would hug me and **cry with me **and ask why i was crying? When i sobbed heavily - he sobbed heavily. That broke my mum’s heart seeing her daughter and her 2 yr old grandson like that. I hugged him, i hugged him so tight i am lucky i didn’t squeeze him to death at times with the strength of hurt, pain and loss that i felt… I would just fall into a heap onto the floor and cry/shout/scream out to the world and to God… I am an extremely emotional person Moe, far too emotional. I let things affect me and maybe it’s a part of my OCD…
Every time i write about daddy, i burst into tears and sob. I am still grieving Moe. I lost all desire for intimacy with my loving, devoted husband and that makes it pretty hard to conceive another child. I cannot pray like before - I try and i can’t. I can’t concentrate. I pray for others, but not for me and what is important to me. I talk to God, and i know that is a form of prayer but i don’t know why i cannot pray properly at home. I go to Mass every Sunday and have my beautiful book for Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament “I The Lord Am With You Always” with me and read my favourite prayers and look like the perfect Catholic mother… kneeling, praying etc… but to be honest i feel like the biggest** hypocrite** that God has ever had in his Church. I know God loves me and *no matter * what i say, do, think or feel - he will forgive me. I take him for granted these days and i don’t know why. I broke my mother’s heart by not living for so many months as she puts it. I was dazed and confused, walking and not getting anywhere, i was a mess, thin to start with and then lost 5 kilograms and went to skin and bone. I just didn’t care about life. Please don’t make the same mistakes that i made.
You hear sad stories every day - but yours touched me in a deep way. I joined CAF and not long after read your post and i was drawn to your grief. In all your pain you still offer to pray for other people - that is a Grace from God too my friend, and don’t you ever forget it! You offered to ask your daddy to look after mine - you touched my heart soooo deeply with that gesture, it brings tears to my eyes as i type this. We never see ourselves as others do, please trust me when i tell you that God sent me to CAF for a reason. I am a softie, but it was more than that, as i said before God has spoken to my heart and i am confident in saying that even though i do not know you i know that you are a loving, kind, loyal, devoted and warm woman, mother, wife, daughter and friend who is going through hell. Men grieve as much as we do, but they just show it in a different way. I will pray for your tower of strength - Greg to keep on enduring and for your Amanda to cope as best as she can…She must miss her Sissy so very much…And McKayla’s grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends must also be so very, very, heartbroken…
I have never been the same since my daddy died and don’t think i ever can be, but i can look at other people’s grief and see their pain and hopefully i can understand what they are going through - even just a little bit and maybe make their load a little lighter for them to carry.
I never forget a couple of months after i found out about daddy, a girlfriend rang and i was sobbing as i answered the phone and she said “What’s happened?” Well did i snap! “My father committed suicide! What do you think is the matter with me?” I screamed at her down the phone Moe. Healing from grief takes a very, very long time. Don’t rush yourself or expect too much of yourself as God doesn’t. You lost your child, not your wallet - ease up on yourself sweetheart.
I don’t know you but i love you Moe.
As always, my love, prayers and hugs to you and your family.
:hug1:
Sonja
xoxoxoxo
