Sudden disbelief, stopped participating in mass

[gusano]

scared:

To gusano and Mike O:
gusano you said
Sometimes you even have to stop fighting and lay down and accept defeat. Think of it this way, Is this the hill you want to die on?

You are right.
Sirach 2: 4 says;"Accept what ever befalls you, in crushing misfortune be patient."
Besides, what will happen to the faith of your “little one”?

No I don’t run from difficult things, I take them on, try to find** the right way.**

Jesus says; " I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life."…
"No one who comes to Me will I ever reject."
There is one short cut you can take to get from point (A) to point (B)… that is
From where you are now, …to an intimately beautiful relationship with Christ , if that is where you want to be.
"Christ’s peace must reigh in your hearts, since as members of the one body you have been called to that Peace. Coloss. 3: 15​

But Jesus has to be invited, Received, welcomed…as Lord, as King, as Savior, as Lover.​

Yes, I am very scared,… No it is not the option I wanted,
** I wanted to find peace within the church, **
scared

**You can, **scared,

Sounds like you are getting some “interference” or “interception / contraception”… from anti-Catholic / anti-christ… spirit.
Right where you are…
stop and surrender into The Presence of Our Risen Savior;
Say to Him;

"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Be near me, for there is no one who can help…
I OFFER my entire Life to you now , as I am,
I open my Whole heart, soul, mind and body to you right here and now Lord Jesus Christ,
and I INVITE YOU to come into my whole life , into my very heart and be enthroned IN ME fully and forever…
I invite you to destroy the power of the evil one in me and lead me into all the truth, into the LOVE OF TRUTH.
from now on for all eternity.
I want to be a Temple of your Holy Spirit
Make your Holy Spirit alive in me
Make your permanent HOME in me
your body, blood, soul, and divinity alive in me
I am yours and you are mine.

AMEN

 

[JoyToBeCatholic]

I haven’t had time to read this entire thread. I simply want to make a statement to the person who posted this.

Scared, I have been through this myself, and I can’t say definitively that I am ‘over it’, but I can say that I feel very much as though I’ve been ‘played with’ by you know who (not God ). He erases my memory of every reason why I had ever believed what I did and confuses me so much that I feel as though I need to start all over so to speak. I don’t know why this keeps happening to me, but I do know that God is permitting it. I have also learned that, despite my inability to recall and make sense out of all I had once believed, there are small moments where it all seems to come back to me, and this gives me hope. I read some of the things I wrote throughout the years and I know I was not in the wrong to believe as I did - it simply happens that I cannot any longer understand or believe as I once did. It’s like looking back and seeing it all as having happened to someone else. Very bizarre. I don’t know if this is ‘normal’ or not, but this is what I go through. It doesn’t seem to make sense, but I am learning that God has not left me, and I was right in going ‘home’ to the Church like I did. It’s moments like these where we need to exercise ‘blind faith’. Call it the ‘dark night of the soul’ or whatever. I don’t know if that’s what it is. In the past I have gone very much off the deep end b/c of this, but I am learning over time and from many of these reoccurances that the answer is not to leave; that despite the seeming lonliness - I am not alone and I am exactly where God wants me to be. It’s very easy to do the right thing when know we are with God; when we feel it’s right - but it is a far greater testament to our faith when we continue to do the right thing and remain committed to Him even when we DON’T feel it.

IOW, my advice to you: keep on going to mass. keep on receiving communion. keep on praying. and keep on serving God.

Have Peace,
~donna

 

[Dorothy]

Scared wrote: <<I do understand that if God exists it is not he who is doing this, rather one of his represtatives. I am not sure that the lord is either aware of suffering with me>>

The Lord is very much aware of your suffering now…and he went through it physically when he suffered and died for all of us.

I wish you peace and will continue to pray for you…

 

[scared]

gusano:

you asked: “Besides, what will happen to the faith of your “little one”?”

The child is not little, just not old enough to drive. We have spoke the child is very aware, unknown to me that the priest and I are at odds. I will take and drop the child off and wait despite the cold in my vehicle for the hour. I have not intention of taking the church from my family. It I that has the problem, not them, they very much still love and know the lord, I can’t take that from them.

scared

 

[hurst]

scared:

I am not sure if God exists, let alone love him.
…
it is a part of questioning, questioning if there is a lord.
…
If God is out there he sure wants to make it tough to follow him.
…
I wanted to find … at least understanding that God exists, but that option is not open to me …
…
I do understand that if God exists it is not he who is doing this, …

You are like this man:

Mark 9:21 … But if thou canst do any thing, help us, having compassion on us. 22 And Jesus saith to him: If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. 23 And immediately the father of the boy crying out, with tears said: I do believe, Lord: help my unbelief.

But know this: it does not take faith to know God exists. Yet, it does take faith in Him that He rewards those who seek Him.

Hebrews 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please God. For he that cometh to God, must believe that he is, and is a rewarder to them that seek him.

Consider this: God’s testimony to you is in your very consciousness of your ability to freely choose how you will respond to the trials God sends you.

The Devil, dearest daughter, is the instrument of My Justice to torment the souls who have miserably offended Me. And I have set him in this life to tempt and molest My creatures, not for My creatures to be conquered, but that they may conquer, proving their virtue, and receive from Me the glory of victory. And no one should fear any battle or temptation of the Devil that may come to him, because I have made My creatures strong, and have given them strength of will, fortified in the Blood of my Son, which will, neither Devil nor creature can move, because it is yours, given by Me. You therefore, with free arbitration, can hold it or leave it, according as you please. It is an arm, which, if you place it in the hands of the Devil, straightway becomes a knife, with which he strikes you and slays you. But if man do not give this knife of his will into the hands of the Devil, that is, if he do not consent to his temptations and molestations, he will never be injured by the guilt of sin in any temptation, but will even be fortified by it, when the eye of his intellect is opened to see My love which allowed him to be tempted, so as to arrive at virtue, by being proved. For one does not arrive at virtue except through knowledge of self, and knowledge of Me, which knowledge is more perfectly acquired in the time of temptation, because then man knows himself to be nothing, being unable to lift off himself the pains and vexations which he would flee; and he knows Me in his will, which is fortified by My goodness, so that it does not yield to these thoughts.

The Dialogue of St. Catherine of Siena (p. 51)
catholicprimer.org/catherine/catherine_dialog.pdf

hurst

 

[hurst]

scared:

You said there are countless proof of God’s existance, I can read until I am blue in the face, with doubt in my mind reading is not going to help.
…

Doubts do not need to be believed. That a doubt is present doesn’t make it true. One may just a soon choose to hold a doubt as to hold faith. Doubt is exercised after one decides to turn away. Faith is exercised after one decides to come close.

Faith is an act of goodness, and God gives us the ability to do this. So give whatever faith you have to its Author. And give your doubts to evil. Then you will be acting justly, giving each its due. Belief should be believed, and Doubt should be doubted.

Love should be loved, and Hatred should be hated. To reverse these is to be unjust and wicked. That we are able to be one or the other is a testimony both to the existence of God and also to the fact that He does not coerce us as to which we choose. Yet, we are coerced to choose, and that is a testimony to God’s Power.

So you see, there is substance there for you to base your meditations on concerning God.

hurst

 

[Augustine]

scared:

The answer of course is yes, however, here our doctors are bound by an oath and they must attend to the patient, they don’t get to say no sorry, let someone else handle it.

Actually, if a general practitioner realizes that you need a heart surgery, he’ll let a heart surgeon take care of you, not him. Could the priest consider himself unqualified to help you and ignorant of whom could?

I don’t know the details of your struggle, but, please, think about my analogy above.

Almost all of the apostles did not lead comfortable and frothy lives. No, most met persecution and martyrdom. They truly picked up their crosses and followed Jesus to Calvary.

May Jesus shine His light upon you.

 

[hurst]

scared:

Today we were starting, saying the Apostle’s creed and suddenly not into the first line I stopped, I was filled with I guess, anger, or hate I am note sure which one.
…
Well, after much searching, and continueing to go to mass, getting more angry as I sit there …
…
I simply can’t sit in church and continue to boil, I have to find some way to cope with the anger, I feel like a hipocrite sitting there …
…

This can be seen in conjunction with your sudden disbelief. You have fallen, apparently.

Has the devil challenged God regarding you? Do you have a desire to be angry?

You mentioned problems with the clergy. Are you mad now about God’s representatives “getting away” with something, causing your heart to clamor about the injustice, declaring it as proof that there is no God?

But think back. Have you ever rejoiced in the hope that there was no God who might exact His justice against you for something you sought to “get away with”? If so, then consider this trial as a penance, and a real test to determine if you are sincere in coming to God to serve Him in uprightness.

I encourage you to consider this passage:

Judith 8:21 … be mindful how our fathers were tempted that they might be proved, whether they worshipped their God truly. 22 They must remember how our father Abraham was tempted, and being proved by many tribulations, was made the friend of God. 23 So Isaac, so Jacob, so Moses, and all that have pleased God, passed through many tribulations, remaining faithful. 24 But they that did not receive the trials with the fear of the Lord, but uttered their impatience and the reproach of their murmuring against the Lord, 25 Were destroyed by the destroyer, and perished by serpents.

And again:

Judith 8:26 As for us therefore let us not revenge ourselves for these things which we suffer. 27 But esteeming these very punishments to be less than our sins deserve, let us believe that these scourges of the Lord, with which like servants we are chastised, have happened for our amendment, and not for our destruction.

So let us focus on our faults in the sight of God, and seek to accept the trials He sends us as penance, allowing us to atone for our past, and prove once more that we desire to be His friend.

If you choose to be unjust, loving Hatred and hating Love, then your conscience rightly condemns you, for you would be choosing death. But God calls you out from that darkness.

Ephesians 4:31 Let all bitterness, and anger, and indignation, and clamour, and blasphemy, be put away from you, with all malice.

Deuteronomy 30:19 I call heaven and earth to witness this day, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing. Choose therefore life, that both thou and thy seed may live

Will you forgive? Will you ask to be freed from the lust of anger and hatred? Will you give God credit for His Goodness? Will you make the judgment that God deserves your obedience of faith, and that you deserve to suffer? Will you at least judge that you deserve to suffer more than Christ, seeing that He was innocent?

Some things to think about.

hurst

 

[gusano]

hurst:

This can be seen in conjunction with your sudden disbelief. You have fallen, apparently.
…
Some things to think about.

hurst

Thank you hurst,
I have read all your posts here.

EVERYTHING you said is welcome with a Gentle and Humble heart.

gusano

 

[Joseph]

Dear Scared,

My prayers are also with you. First of all, genuine faith is not a matter of feelings–it’s a matter of the “will”–the desire to believe and to love God. Though you don’t “feel” connected, I do hear in your post your desire for faith. Someone who has no real faith wouldn’t write asking for help and feel scared. These suggest to me that you may be more rooted in faith than you might realize–even if you don’t feel it.

I forget which saint said this, but when approached by someone who thought he no believed, the saint, “Then pray that you might believe.”

Other factors might well be involved such as being unclear of the articles of faith, or as you alluded to, depression. If these are factors then learning about the faith or seeking counseling might be of benefit.

I would especially encourage you to review your life honestly. Are there any behaviors or areas in your life of which you might need to repent? If there are any areas of unforgiveness or sinfulness that you might be holding onto, this is an opportunity for conversion. If so, I would encourage you to speak with a confessor and to receive the sacrament of reconciliation. Releasing these things open us to God’s love in a special way.

I hope this helps! God bless!
Joseph

 

[scared]

Hello Joseph:

I have checked with both my doctor and my counsellor, both agree this is not depression. I have tried countless times to seek help for my dwindling faith, I have been turned down just as many times. I don’t know the reason’s just that it wasn’t an option. As for looking through my life, well I am in counselling for things that I survived, but never dealt with. I have sought reconcilliation, I know my sins where forgiven. I don’t have a regular confessor, it is complicated and the more the church turns away the harder it is to believe.

I have yet to figure out who’s job it is to help me understand faith and god, apparently it is not a priest’s job, nor the counsellor. So I guess it is mine alone, I have had some help and I will continue to struggle. I am not sure I want to leave the church, I am not sure I want to stay, I just know I need to find some assemblence of peace. That seems to be no easy task.

scared

 

[SemperJase]

scared:

I have tried countless times to seek help for my dwindling faith, I have been turned down just as many times.

You have mentioned the one priest a few times. One thing I do know, if your faith hinges on the way one man (or woman) responds to you, you will always - ALWAYS - be disappointed and even feel betrayed. Even if that man is a priest.

 

[scared]

Hello Semperjase:

I am realizing more and more the effect of disappointment and betrayal from this priest and I won’t be going back for any form of help. Of course because he is the only game in town it makes life difficult, but nobody said this would be easy and it isn’t.

scared

 

[Siena]

You are not alone.

I have been, and will continue to pray for you.

Try lisening to EWTN on the computer.
Talk to God in your heart, like to a friend, tell HIM your troubles.
Ask the saints, and your guardian angel for help.

Read spiritual books, especially books about the saints (martyrs are great to read)

 

[JoyToBeCatholic]

Hi Scared,

I gave it one last shot

You sound exactly like me. I can’t tell you how much your situation here, as you have related it, stirs me. I don’t know about you, but I often tell God “This is it! I’m all done with You!”. For the better part of the last 3 years I have been plagued with doubt on and off - more on than off. Worst thing for me is that when I am going through my doubting; when I decide not to believe in Him anymore, I fall into horrible sins and sink into a despair I have never known before. So, I can relate completely, and can really sympathize with you when you say you are suffering, b/c the thought of living life without God is torturous to me - having always believed throughout my life. And it is scarey. I’ve gotten through many tough times in my life b/c of my faith and can’t imagine having to face them without God.

St Therese of Lisieux did doubt the exsistence of God up until the end of her life. Imagine - she could not believe anymore while her body was being consummed by Tuberculosis! She wrote that in considering death, she had always been comforted by the thought of heaven, but now as she was dying she could only believe that after death would exsist a black empty nothingness.

Scared, I don’t believe that you don’t believe. I think you have doubts and your spirit is tired of reaching. I believe it is okay to back off for a little while and let your spirit rest. Sometimes I find all prayer, devotions and even mass to be like torture. I know this feeling. God is bigger than we sometimes think; His mercy is so incredible. He is so in love with you and He is so patient. He is touching you right now in a way you cannot perceive with your senses, and it’s okay to rest while He is doing this, as long as you continue to talk to Him. It’s okay to say “Hey God, if you exsist…”. St. Therese would advise you to continue going to mass and to continue receiving communion - she advised her sister (I think, Celine?) in this way. You don’t have to know God exsists to exercise faith.

A woman once asked “Father, when will I have faith?” and the priest answered “When it is easier to believe than to not believe”. Someone recently sent me an email that said “I would rather live my life as if God exsisted and die to find out He does not, than to live as if He doesn’t exsist and die to find out He does.”. Very wise words, and I think we all live this way at some point in our lives, if not all points of our lives.

I have asked God to reveal Himself to me, and at times He has through little miracles, and would you believe, that I still doubt sometimes? I do believe that even if He were to appear before me in all His glory, I would still doubt. Ask yourself what it would take to make you believe. But we can choose to love and serve Him anyway, b/c what else is there? Really? “Lord, where shall we go? You have the words of everlasting life.”

(cont.)

 

[JoyToBeCatholic]

Do you truly not believe in God? Or do you just find everything to do with devotion (prayer, mass, etc.) distasteful?

I am realizing more and more the effect of disappointment and betrayal from this priest and I won’t be going back for any form of help. Of course because he is the only game in town it makes life difficult, but nobody said this would be easy and it isn’t.

I’ve been there too my friend. I once had trusted a priest so much - I would have done just about anything he recommended. But one time he gave me such bogus advice that he could have ruined my marriage - things the church does not even teach. And he was my confessor and councellor. I felt so betrayed and it shook my faith terribly b/c I really thought God had been using this man to help me advance in my spiritual life. But we all have our bad days; days where we say what we want without asking God what He would have us say. Perhaps this was God’s way of letting me know that the only one we can completely rely on is Himself.

I don’t know what, if anything, you know about St. John of the Cross, but he was imprisoned and beaten for many, many months at the hands of church authorities!. (Think of St. Joan of Arc!) He was kept in a small dark closet in inhumane conditions.
Listen to his words and let your spirit cry out with his:
“Where have You hidden, beloved, and left me moaning? You fled like the stag after wounding me; I went out calling You, and You were gone.”
“Shepherds, you that go up through the sheepfolds to the hill, if by chance you see Him I love most, tell Him that I sicken, suffer and die.”

This is the cry of one who wants God to reveal Himself; who does not perceive Him with the senses any longer, and longs for Him to “come back”.

Can you relate to this?:
“All who are free tell me a thousand graceful things of You; all wound me more and leave me dying of, ah, I-don’t-know-what behind their stammering.”.

It sounds to me, perhaps, that God has consoled you a lot throughout your life (spiritually) and now He is drawing you to spiritual maturity through the “dark night”. Believe me, I know how hard it is to believe that when you suddenly don’t think you even believe in God! St. John says:
“It should be known, then, that God nurtures and caresses the soul, after it has been resolutely converted to His service, like a loving mother who warms her child with the heat of her bosom, nurses it with good milk and tender food, and carries and caresses it in her arms. But as the child grows older, the mother withholds her caresses and hides her tender love; she rubs bitter aloes on her sweet breast and sets the child down from her arms, letting it walk on its own feet so that it may put aside the habits of childhood and grow accustomed to greater and more important things.”

Finally, as surely as I know love exsists, I know God exsists. God is Love. Look at the charity expressed in those who serve others. That is love. Read about the charity and love the saints expressed. They are proof of God’s exsistence. If you cannot conceive of His exsistence; if you cannot sense His presence, then at least believe in love. Set out to live your life in love, and you will abide in Him, and He in you.

May His abundant peace be with you!
~donna

 

[scared]

Hi Siena and JoyToBeCatholic

First Siena:

I do read the question and answer on EWTN, but our dial up doesn’t support the radio part, we have to wait for I hope only a couple more months for highspeed, then all will be good.

As for talking to God, well if he exists, it won’t be talking I will be doing, more in the line of yelling at him, if he exists I am pretty ticked at him. Although I have been told that is alright, at least I am communicating with him.

JoyToBeCatholic:

I am really not sure if he exists or not. I know rationally what happens if he doesn’t exist. I have been told I am in the dark night and my suffering will last until the pain and anguish of my past is dealt with. I would have to relive every painful step, every painful hurt that I endured. I was then told I would slowly emerge, to find a God that had always been there, but had to let me live the pain as an adult, one that could fully understand what was done and how I had survived inspite of what others wanted. The time frame was God’s not mine. I would have to endure probably many months of angonizing doubt, despair and probably disbelief. This quiet and very holy man, whom I have the utmost of respect for, simply said there was many saints whom doubted, struggled up until their death. He asked me why I became catholic. He knew my answer for a wonderful man. He said not a man, a God. He explained, God wanted me, chose me, he doesn’t do anything without purpose, for he is perfect. As I was leaving he gently took my hand and told me I would lose all faith, before I began to understand the depth of what God wanted.
That was 5 months ago. So far alot of what he said has come true.If what he said is true this will only become worse.

You are very correct, even thought I wasn’t catholic, but was badly hurt by both church and clergy, I always knew God was with me, through beating, not knowing when I would eat again, if I would die at the hands of a parent, it didn’t matter because God was there, alwasy until a few weeks ago, it was like a sledgehammer hit me full force in the face and the rock I was standing on was shattered into a trillion little pieces so small they could never be reconstructed. With that my belief was not just questioned, but gone, crushed.

I have seen God’s work, a blackness took our trailer, pummled it threw it into the sky slamming us with all it’s fury. We were going to run for cover, but the door wouldn’t open. There is no reason we are alive today, we walked away with very minor injuries, there is only one reason, God. I pregnant, with what I thought was morning sickness, but went to the doc. I was rushed to hosptial and was litterally dying, a ruptured ectopic pregnancy was killing me, my children died, I lived, why, God. There are other things that I know where a result of God’s intervention, I know he did exist at one point in my life, but not now. Why the doubt now? Is what the holy man said true? I don’t want not to believe. I know that to die without God could be horrible. I sat and watched as my young newphew clung to life, his body so racked with pain, his parents never took him to church, he was never baptized, but all he wanted to know was if God was real, he needed to know, would he see his precious nana. I told him yes God was real, and when God was ready he would see his precious nana. Tears slid down his face as he told me good bye, I know those words brought him peace I know the thought of God gave him strength to die.

But, in spite of all those things I still don’t know if he exists. I am very tired. Yes, I am tormented when I enter a church, I no longer pray, I am waiting for a couple of books that I hope will help. I have a good friend that is willing to listen, and although she left the catholic church, she didn’t leave God. Unfortunately the very holy man I know is many hours away, so I can’t see him often. I have a counsellor who is very good. But, I have a priest who wants no part of helping me, no part of me being in the church while I have issues. So much conflict and pain, trust in the church may never happen again. I think I want to believe, but my rock is gone, nothing makes sense. One priest tells me one thing the other the complete opposite. One says stay in the church, receive the sacraments, just be there. The other leave come back when you are healed and no longer hate. Who is right? If God exists what does he want? How can I walk into a church and be so consummed with anger and hate, I shake? What is wrong with me? This is all wrong, but how do I fix it? I can’t simply just believe everything will work out. Many things you have said ring very true. How do you turn it around? Do I have to fall even farther?

scared

 

[ThisOne]

scared,

Are there people that you need to forgive? Is that what this is all about?

 

[Dorothy]

Dear scared,

I don’t have any particular wisdom to share, just that I will continue to pray for you.

What the previous poster mentioned about forgiveness may be key.

Forgiveness doesn’t have to be felt emotionally, it can be an act of the will made in the presence of Jesus. He does the forgiving, you give him permission. This may have to be repeated.

God bless you,

 

[scared]

Hello:

Forgiveness is obtained at the end of healing, it is close to the end of the grieving process. I am still very much at the beginning. I can’t forgive anyone until I can learn to forgive myself and accept what happened and appropriate blame in the right place. Right now it rests squarely on my shoulders. I have to find away to remove it, no easy task.

scared