Talking about sex with your spouse

  • Thread starter Thread starter mini_me640
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

mini_me640

Guest
I have been married for over 10 years to an amazing guy and we have 2 very young children. Our relationship has always been great. Sex has always been good if a little predictable. Since having the kids, my desire has waned mainly out of exhaustion - a lot of times I would just rather sleep while I can LOL. I don’t “deny him” so need to throw the marital debt book at me, but I have been known to ignore subtle clues that he’s looking for sex, and other times I just sort of treat it as a chore I’m sad to say. I always enjoy it once were “involved” but I just don’t find myself excited about the prospect most of the time. His “pursuit” has also gotten pretty lame; I’m sure he’s tired too and more than that he doesn’t want to pressure me since he knows I’m tired and spread thin. But the truth is, I find it so much more enticing when he is more aggressive as he often used to be. Foreplay is almost nonexistent right now; he has a way of indicating he’s interested in sex, and I either initiate from there or he rolls over and goes to sleep.

At any rate, there are “set ups” and types of foreplay that are very effective in getting me in the mood. But I just don’t know how to bring it up. I have no trouble talking about sex in general, but I find it difficult to talk about my desires and thoughts as sex pertains to me. We’ve never talked about our sex much - when we started dating I expressed my intention to remain a virgin until marriage which he respected even though he was not a virgin himself and wasnt practicing his faith at the time (he reverted shortly after we were married praise God)! Since we’ve been married we pretty much have only discussed our sex life as it pertains to conception, either trying or avoiding. I have always depended on his sexual lead as he had previous experience but following his lead isn’t working right now. I just don’t know how to bring it up . I am better at writing than talking about personal matters, but or seems kind of cowardly in a way. Any thoughts?
 
One thing that may help you bring it up–

I am sure that the info will be received well. Most men are not going to be difficult to talk to about this I would imagine…
 
It’s an interesting problem. As Catholics, we are often discouraged from discussing sex but I do believe it is a necessary and good thing for spouses to do - e.g., what is pleasing and what is not, what is a turn on for you and what isn’t.

It would be interesting, in general, to know what types of foreplay and “set ups” can actually be employed without sin. There really should be a resource for that, because essentially everything you look at is a long list of “don’t this” and “don’t that,” without anything that’s actually helpful. It’s basically a set-up to make you scrupulous.

And, invariably, if you ask anyone here it will be, “by saying this, you’re saying your spouse isn’t enough!” Derrrrrr… yeah, right. That would be like saying that looking into a new hobby as a married couple implies that your spouse 'isn’t enough" for you. What the heck?!

I digress. I suppose it would be easier to help you if you could tell us a bit more about why you’re having difficulty bringing this up. What thoughts and emotions are you encountering that prevent you from discussing this with your husband?
 
You’re describing a situation where he may be feeling that the “aggressive” route isn’t worth the chance of rejection. If he drops hints that you both know he’s dropping, and you act like you don’t get it…C’mon, he’s known you for over 10 years! If he doesn’t know, he suspects. That can hurt. If you’re letting him know you aren’t interested, why would he want to push the matter by something more aggressive, chancing a situation in which the rejection will only be more out in the open?

You do need to talk. Start by expressing displeasure that you are so tired all the time, that you miss the days when you felt more energetic and sexy and available. You might just ask him what some of his favorite things that you used to do are, and then use the favorite things he does as examples to explain what you’re getting at…which also drops the hint that this is still what you dream of. Then talk about how to deal with the exhaustion issue and whatever other issues he sees coming up.

You may need to arrange times when the children are in someone else’s care. It doesn’t need to be overnight; in fact, you might want to aim for times when your energy levels tend to be higher rather than lower. You might also want to address the possibility that you aren’t doing enough self-care to have the baseline energy level for a more active sex life.

Mostly, though, let him know that it is not that you don’t find him attractive or that you don’t want to want sex more than you do, but that your physical readiness seems to be flagging and the opportunities you two get perhaps need some work. Just knowing you still want him will do him some good, I’d think!
 
EasterJoy said:
You’re describing a situation where he may be feeling that the “aggressive” route isn’t worth the chance of rejection. If he drops hints that you both know he’s dropping, and you act like you don’t get it…C’mon, he’s known you for over 10 years! If he doesn’t know, he suspects. That can hurt. If you’re letting him know you aren’t interested, why would he want to push the matter by something more aggressive, chancing a situation in which the rejection will only be more out in the open?
Click to expand...
As a man, I agree with this! There is a danger to the ego that comes with being “aggressive.” The times that I’m aggressive and I try to initiate, but my wife is not on board… those can be very embarrassing and deflating.

I don’t know how true this is for others, but we fit the stereotype of the couple where the husband who could be ready almost any day of the week, and the wife who could be available only once a week, IF the correct timing is chosen.

So I have had a bit of difficulty in this area, insofar as it is difficult for me to understand how her psychology and physiology works because it is so different than my own. Thus any indication of non-availability is perplexing to me on an instinctual level.

I really don’t know an answer to this, but I did want to say that I agree with you… from a male perspective.
You do need to talk. Start by expressing displeasure that you are so tired all the time, that you miss the days when you felt more energetic and sexy and available. You might just ask him what some of his favorite things that you used to do are, and then use the favorite things he does as examples to explain what you’re getting at…which also drops the hint that this is still what you dream of. Then talk about how to deal with the exhaustion issue and whatever other issues he sees coming up.
Click to expand...
You may need to arrange times when the children are in someone else’s care. It doesn’t need to be overnight; in fact, you might want to aim for times when your energy levels tend to be higher rather than lower. You might also want to address the possibility that you aren’t doing enough self-care to have the baseline energy level for a more active sex life.
Click to expand...
Mostly, though, let him know that it is not that you don’t find him attractive or that you don’t want to want sex more than you do, but that your physical readiness seems to be flagging and the opportunities you two get perhaps need some work. Just knowing you still want him will do him some good, I’d think!
Click to expand...
Good stuff.
 
EasterJoy said:
You’re describing a situation where he may be feeling that the “aggressive” route isn’t worth the chance of rejection. If he drops hints that you both know he’s dropping, and you act like you don’t get it…C’mon, he’s known you for over 10 years! If he doesn’t know, he suspects. That can hurt. If you’re letting him know you aren’t interested, why would he want to push the matter by something more aggressive, chancing a situation in which the rejection will only be more out in the open?
Click to expand...
Nail, meet hammer.
 
mini_me640 said:
I just don’t know how to bring it up . I am better at writing than talking about personal matters, but or seems kind of cowardly in a way. Any thoughts?
Click to expand...
To me a concise note that spells out what you want to say and how you want to say it, would be far better than a bumbling conversation in which you can’t express your thoughts clearly. Also this gives him time to digest your thoughts and respond in a well thought out manner.
 
First let me say that I’m a woman with 2 smallish children (2 &4) and a job where I work 50+ hours a week, so I know that what I’m about to say will sound crazy (it did to me).

Commit to having “relations” every other day (except for any days during your cycle when you’ve both agreed you’ll abstain). Do it no matter how tired you are, how much laundry needs to be folded, etc.

I think you’ll find that it will shortly become something you look forward to and he’ll start to take that aggressive role back as he feels more desired and appreciated.

Like I said, sounds crazy at first but it did wonders for me (and my marriage).

Bonus, you get to avoid having a conversation altogether. 😛
 
This seems like a Catch 22. You want him to be more overtly assertive-aggressive sexually. But if you bring this up, it puts you in the position of the being the assertive-aggressive one. So everything is backwards. It is like you are bossing him, telling him how to play his role as man. Ugh.

One solution. If ever he does act more assertive-aggressive in foreplay, or during the main sex activity, really express back to him how exciting that made it for you. Really make a big deal out of it. Perhaps ask and beg him to do that more often. In psychology, they call this “reinforcing” the behavior you want more of.

Another thing comes to mind. From what you wrote, he probably perceives that you are often less that excited about having sex when he wants it. That itself undermines his assertiveness-aggressiveness. He feels that he is bugging you. I wonder if his overall assertiveness-aggressiveness level might go up if you always acted excited every time you can tell you wants to have sex? Yes, that would be acting. But you acting submissive and willing and excited might bring out his inner “cave man.”

It takes two to tango. If you want him to act more dominant and vigorous and masculine, you must be more of the opposite: submissive, yielding, and feminine. Right?

But, what do I know? Everything I know I got from watching Oprah and listening to Dr. Laura!

Best wishes for better sex for both of you!
 
I find that the best times to talk about sex…

are when we are either in the middle of it…or afterward, in the glow.

“That was great, when you did…X…” “You don’t have to bother with Y…it’s not that great for me…but I do like W.”

That would be the afterward talk of course. The “in the middle of it” you can indicate with just pleasurable sounds and brief sighs of contentment…

Get him to be a little aggressive and then really appreciate him for that.

👍
 
“Foreplay is almost nonexistent right now; he has a way of indicating he’s interested in sex, and** I either initiate from there or he rolls over and goes to sleep**.”

You initiate after he indicates he’s interested…

Back it up… take a step back. First, let me say, I’m a woman 🙂

And this works, trust me. No matter how tired you are, take a few moments to think about your husband. Why did you fall in love with him? Why do you still love him? Now… what do you love about him? Now start thinking about him…

He’s all yours. Don’t wait for him to let you know he’s interested, go show him you love him… he’ll let you, trust me. And don’t let him take away the lead… 🙂

Afterwards, as already mentioned, THEN talk about it 🙂
 
I agree with what others have posted here, that he may be discouraged with having to initiate all the time. I thought too you might try challenging yourself by being more assertive.

Many men find, um, women who are, um, “needy” stimulating. You might see a real positive response. If you’re hiding your need, or too shy, that might be a bit discouraging.
 
I plan to address some of your points in detail but I wanted to quickly respond to a few general ideas. First, his “initiating” of sex at this point is so incredibly passive that it is more like sending the signal that he’s interested. It doesn’t involve physical contact or verbal communication, it’s just something I can pick up on. I do agree that he probably doesn’t want to be more forthcoming because he doesn’t want to be rejected.

I don’t think details are necessary but I can’t imagine that the foreplay I prefer would be considered off limits except by those people that think anything outside of missionary position sex strictly for the purpose of procreation is unacceptable. It’s more of a mental thing for me.

Also the reasons I feel uncomfortable initiating this discussion are varied - it is partly embarrassment at verbalizing my turn ons, part self consciousness that I am perhaps not as sexually attractive as I was 4 years ago before my first pregnancy, part fear of hurting his ego as if I’m telling him what he’s doing lately isn’t enough.

As I said I will address some of your individual points later. Thanks to all!
 
mini_me640 said:
Also the reasons I feel uncomfortable initiating this discussion are varied - it is partly embarrassment at verbalizing my turn ons, part self consciousness that I am perhaps not as sexually attractive as I was 4 years ago before my first pregnancy, part fear of hurting his ego as if I’m telling him what he’s doing lately isn’t enough.
Click to expand...
I’d be willing to bet that he knows what he has been doing lately isn’t enough either. AND he isn’t happy about it either. Coming from a married man who has been rejected quite a bit, I would bet my paycheck that if you have rejected his attempts numerous times, you have already crushed his ego more than you can imagine. He is now in self protection mode. He still desires you, but the pain of him putting himself out there just to be turned down again is too much to risk. He is scared and hurting. That is the consequence of you ignoring his cues and treating it like a chore in the past. Trust me, I know.

So, he passively “attempts” because:

A. he is trying to protect himself

and

B. he is trying to be a good, caring, thoughtful husband and not make you feel

A. guilty for knowing that you aren’t taking care of him like you should

or

B. bad for making yourself do something that you don’t want to do, just for him.

It is a very hard place to be and it is also a very painful place to be. Feeling like your wife doesn’t want to make love to you hurts like nothing else. Feeling like your wife never even thinks about it unless she is pressured and feeling like she can live with or without it and not care either way is like torture to a man who wants to love and be faithful to his wife.

A normal, loving married man is sexaully attracted to his wife, regardless of whether her body looks like it did before kids. Honestly, I prefer my wife’s body after 3 kids over her body before them. Now, she has the body of a real WOMAN. Not a teenager like when we married. I’ll take the current her any day, regardless of what she thinks. You need to realize that men are not the same as women. You are critical of your body and worried about what he will think. You know what he will think? He will be appreciative that you are giving yourself to him and not notice those few extra pounds or stretch marks that weren’t there before YOU GAVE HIM THE GIFT OF LIFE. Personally, I think my wife’s stretch marks are beautiful. They don’t gross me out. They remind me of the sacrifices that she made to give me our 3 beautiful children. Basically, I’m trying to say that if you are worried about your body, GET OVER IT, because he isn’t.
 
You should always try to keep open communication, but sometimes it is uncomfortable talking about it, even if you have been married a long time. It becomes all about work, the kids, bills and just surviving in life. You get discouraged and the cycle begins. You stop trying and it gets easier to just let it go than to keep on trying and get rejected. It seems like as time goes on, its i am tired or not tonight. Next time, but next time comes far and farther each time. As a man it really does knock you down to get rejected, women today feel we will quit trying and sadly we do. Its not always about that time or menopause, I think it about life’s pressures and we fail as both men and women to recognize about the importance of enjoying each other. Maybe we get bored with each other, but I myself still wish it would be like when we first were married. We still love each other, and are faithful. But if not careful it can be a very lonely life with out any intamacy. You become just roomates without anything in common and life becomes routine. Especially when you are is still young it can be very frustrating.
 
I see I should clarify based on some responses that I don’t and haven’t habitually rejected him. I have lacked enthusiasm for sure which I’m sure has an impact, but I want to convey that I don’t shut him down on a regular basis, but I feel bad that I don’t really feel like it most of the time and I just do it out of obligation.
 
magabear said:
You should always try to keep open communication, but sometimes it is uncomfortable talking about it, even if you have been married a long time. It becomes all about work, the kids, bills and just surviving in life. You get discouraged and the cycle begins. You stop trying and it gets easier to just let it go than to keep on trying and get rejected. It seems like as time goes on, its i am tired or not tonight. Next time, but next time comes far and farther each time. As a man it really does knock you down to get rejected, women today feel we will quit trying and sadly we do. Its not always about that time or menopause, I think it about life’s pressures and we fail as both men and women to recognize about the importance of enjoying each other. Maybe we get bored with each other, but I myself still wish it would be like when we first were married. We still love each other, and are faithful. But if not careful it can be a very lonely life with out any intamacy. You become just roomates without anything in common and life becomes routine. Especially when you are is still young it can be very frustrating.
Click to expand...
Well put.
 
EasterJoy said:
You’re describing a situation where he may be feeling that the “aggressive” route isn’t worth the chance of rejection. If he drops hints that you both know he’s dropping, and you act like you don’t get it…C’mon, he’s known you for over 10 years! If he doesn’t know, he suspects. That can hurt. If you’re letting him know you aren’t interested, why would he want to push the matter by something more aggressive, chancing a situation in which the rejection will only be more out in the open?

You do need to talk. Start by expressing displeasure that you are so tired all the time, that you miss the days when you felt more energetic and sexy and available. You might just ask him what some of his favorite things that you used to do are, and then use the favorite things he does as examples to explain what you’re getting at…which also drops the hint that this is still what you dream of. Then talk about how to deal with the exhaustion issue and whatever other issues he sees coming up.

You may need to arrange times when the children are in someone else’s care. It doesn’t need to be overnight; in fact, you might want to aim for times when your energy levels tend to be higher rather than lower. You might also want to address the possibility that you aren’t doing enough self-care to have the baseline energy level for a more active sex life.

Mostly, though, let him know that it is not that you don’t find him attractive or that you don’t want to want sex more than you do, but that your physical readiness seems to be flagging and the opportunities you two get perhaps need some work. Just knowing you still want him will do him some good, I’d think!
Click to expand...
Thanks Easterjoy. We have been dropping the kids with the grandparents lately so we definitely should capitalize on that time.
 
fbl9 said:
To me a concise note that spells out what you want to say and how you want to say it, would be far better than a bumbling conversation in which you can’t express your thoughts clearly. Also this gives him time to digest your thoughts and respond in a well thought out manner.
Click to expand...
Yes I do fear that the conversation will turn into babbling and crying on my part.
 
Bartolome_Casas said:
This seems like a Catch 22. You want him to be more overtly assertive-aggressive sexually. But if you bring this up, it puts you in the position of the being the assertive-aggressive one. So everything is backwards. It is like you are bossing him, telling him how to play his role as man. Ugh.

One solution. If ever he does act more assertive-aggressive in foreplay, or during the main sex activity, really express back to him how exciting that made it for you. Really make a big deal out of it. Perhaps ask and beg him to do that more often. In psychology, they call this “reinforcing” the behavior you want more of.

Another thing comes to mind. From what you wrote, he probably perceives that you are often less that excited about having sex when he wants it. That itself undermines his assertiveness-aggressiveness. He feels that he is bugging you. I wonder if his overall assertiveness-aggressiveness level might go up if you always acted excited every time you can tell you wants to have sex? Yes, that would be acting. But you acting submissive and willing and excited might bring out his inner “cave man.”

It takes two to tango. If you want him to act more dominant and vigorous and masculine, you must be more of the opposite: submissive, yielding, and feminine. Right?

But, what do I know? Everything I know I got from watching Oprah and listening to Dr. Laura!

Best wishes for better sex for both of you!
Click to expand...
Youve hit on some truth for me. Telling him to be more dominating feels like I’m dominating him which is a turn off for me.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top