X
Xantippe
Guest
Zyxx Road said:
“Xantippe, you’re not seeing things from my perspective.”
And you’re not listening. I say, right there in black and white “Obviously, don’t bother unless she’s a likely. If it’s the very first time you lay eyes on her or if you’re trying to keep it casual, coffee is perfectly fine.”
I’m essentially agreeing with you on the desirability of coffee as a casual first date option. You don’t have to buy dinner for every woman on Catholic Match. However, for a second date, coffee + pastry versus dinner is not financially that big of a difference. If you pay for coffee and pastry ($5–and that’s actually rather optimistic bearing in mind the existence of such things as pumpkin spice lattes and $3 muffins) plus an inexpensive activity (let’s say $5 or under), that is already $10. (In our town, that kind of inexpensive entertainment might include miniature golf, the $2 theater (50 cents one day a week!), or rollerskating on a cheap night.) Or, you could pay for lunch or a cheap dinner for exactly the same $10 and do a free activity. The financial side is pretty much identical with either option, but dinner looks more serious and is more grown up. If you want to convey seriousness, dinner (either out or cooked by yourself) needs to eventually make an appearance. Remember, you’re looking for somebody to eat dinner with every night.
“I’m going to ask you a simple question: do you see your husband as a meal ticket? Ok, I’m sure you don’t, but too many women do and I’m sure you know a few of those. If I spend money, all I have shown her is I can spend money. That’s it. Great for those hunting for meal tickets. I can afford to pay more, but I never get good results from it. Insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results.”
I don’t see my husband as a meal ticket. I can support myself and if it were just me living on what I could bring in, I would be able to enjoy a lot more frills than I do now, not to mention oodles more free time–I did just fine as a single gal, even on a very small income. What I can’t do, realistically, is support myself and three kids.
When I met my husband, we both made more or less exactly the same (we were both graduate students). He took me out to dinner for our first date (an inexpensive Middle Eastern place) and we went to a free foreign-language movie on campus. We were getting more serious, he took me out to dinner a number more times and we did inexpensive stuff, and then eventually (as we got very serious and I started adding up in my head how much this was costing), we started alternating who paid for dinner and at some point early on, I hosted him and 3 or 4 other people for a homemade dinner at my little apartment. We got married fifteen years ago on a mid-three digit budget (I cooked quiches for an after-wedding lunch at my apartment), combined finances, started having kids a few years later, and I haven’t had a paycheck job for nearly 12 years now (although I’ve made money off and on). I had a longish spree after my husband got his first big job, but I am now kind of a personal finance nut, a big Dave Ramsey fan, and when the time comes, I will step up and work to provide private school tuition money for our youngest, God willing. My husband is well-respected in his field and an excellent provider and I respect him very, very much for his professional achievements, his willingness to sacrifice for our children, and for the comfortable home that he is able to provide our family. From reading Catholic Answers, I know how soul-killing it can be to have a spouse who 1) overspends and/or 2) underworks.
“I understand about family and family expenses, I was one of six and I can tell you if my mother ever saw my father primarily as a meal ticket, there’s no way they would still be married in their old age. Possibly no way they would have married in the first place. Their first date was they met in a park one afternoon to play chess, they were introduced there by my father’s best friend. Imagine my mother saying you guys are too cheap! But no, she didn’t think that, she was charmed by my father’s personality and the rest is family history. That is the importance of making a genuine connection, the kind that last. That’s the connection I’m looking for and it doesn’t come via money. I think that message has been lost in the sea of those who try to justify spending more on a first or second date.”
That’s very sweet. She had to leave to eat something, though, didn’t she, unless she packed a lunch? Did she have to pack a sandwich every time she saw your dad?
Let me explain why, from the woman’s point of view, why some demonstration of generosity is important. Some guys are terribly, terribly stingy and their wives suffer a lot, or they are stingy about the stuff that is important for their wife’s or their children’s welfare, while spending like crazy on their own hobbies (their guns, their hunting, their gaming, their cars, their motorcycles, their stupid collectibles, etc.). If that’s not you, you really don’t want to accidentally leave the impression that you are stingy and/or selfish. Those guys exist every bit as much as gold-diggers do. (According to family legend, one of my deceased male relatives regifted his kids’ OWN stuff to them for Christmas.)
I don’t know if you are familiar with Dave Ramsey or his Financial Peace University course, but he has some very interesting stuff in his course about nerds (i.e. tightwads) and free spirits (i.e. spenders), two kinds of people who often wind up married to each other. He encourages the nerds to unbend and live a little and free spirits to grow up. You might want to take the course with a fiancee if you ever find somebody you’re serious about. (I’m eventually hoping to facilitate the class at our college college chaplaincy, as the locals often get engaged at the end of college.)
“Xantippe, you’re not seeing things from my perspective.”
And you’re not listening. I say, right there in black and white “Obviously, don’t bother unless she’s a likely. If it’s the very first time you lay eyes on her or if you’re trying to keep it casual, coffee is perfectly fine.”
I’m essentially agreeing with you on the desirability of coffee as a casual first date option. You don’t have to buy dinner for every woman on Catholic Match. However, for a second date, coffee + pastry versus dinner is not financially that big of a difference. If you pay for coffee and pastry ($5–and that’s actually rather optimistic bearing in mind the existence of such things as pumpkin spice lattes and $3 muffins) plus an inexpensive activity (let’s say $5 or under), that is already $10. (In our town, that kind of inexpensive entertainment might include miniature golf, the $2 theater (50 cents one day a week!), or rollerskating on a cheap night.) Or, you could pay for lunch or a cheap dinner for exactly the same $10 and do a free activity. The financial side is pretty much identical with either option, but dinner looks more serious and is more grown up. If you want to convey seriousness, dinner (either out or cooked by yourself) needs to eventually make an appearance. Remember, you’re looking for somebody to eat dinner with every night.
“I’m going to ask you a simple question: do you see your husband as a meal ticket? Ok, I’m sure you don’t, but too many women do and I’m sure you know a few of those. If I spend money, all I have shown her is I can spend money. That’s it. Great for those hunting for meal tickets. I can afford to pay more, but I never get good results from it. Insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results.”
I don’t see my husband as a meal ticket. I can support myself and if it were just me living on what I could bring in, I would be able to enjoy a lot more frills than I do now, not to mention oodles more free time–I did just fine as a single gal, even on a very small income. What I can’t do, realistically, is support myself and three kids.
When I met my husband, we both made more or less exactly the same (we were both graduate students). He took me out to dinner for our first date (an inexpensive Middle Eastern place) and we went to a free foreign-language movie on campus. We were getting more serious, he took me out to dinner a number more times and we did inexpensive stuff, and then eventually (as we got very serious and I started adding up in my head how much this was costing), we started alternating who paid for dinner and at some point early on, I hosted him and 3 or 4 other people for a homemade dinner at my little apartment. We got married fifteen years ago on a mid-three digit budget (I cooked quiches for an after-wedding lunch at my apartment), combined finances, started having kids a few years later, and I haven’t had a paycheck job for nearly 12 years now (although I’ve made money off and on). I had a longish spree after my husband got his first big job, but I am now kind of a personal finance nut, a big Dave Ramsey fan, and when the time comes, I will step up and work to provide private school tuition money for our youngest, God willing. My husband is well-respected in his field and an excellent provider and I respect him very, very much for his professional achievements, his willingness to sacrifice for our children, and for the comfortable home that he is able to provide our family. From reading Catholic Answers, I know how soul-killing it can be to have a spouse who 1) overspends and/or 2) underworks.
“I understand about family and family expenses, I was one of six and I can tell you if my mother ever saw my father primarily as a meal ticket, there’s no way they would still be married in their old age. Possibly no way they would have married in the first place. Their first date was they met in a park one afternoon to play chess, they were introduced there by my father’s best friend. Imagine my mother saying you guys are too cheap! But no, she didn’t think that, she was charmed by my father’s personality and the rest is family history. That is the importance of making a genuine connection, the kind that last. That’s the connection I’m looking for and it doesn’t come via money. I think that message has been lost in the sea of those who try to justify spending more on a first or second date.”
That’s very sweet. She had to leave to eat something, though, didn’t she, unless she packed a lunch? Did she have to pack a sandwich every time she saw your dad?
Let me explain why, from the woman’s point of view, why some demonstration of generosity is important. Some guys are terribly, terribly stingy and their wives suffer a lot, or they are stingy about the stuff that is important for their wife’s or their children’s welfare, while spending like crazy on their own hobbies (their guns, their hunting, their gaming, their cars, their motorcycles, their stupid collectibles, etc.). If that’s not you, you really don’t want to accidentally leave the impression that you are stingy and/or selfish. Those guys exist every bit as much as gold-diggers do. (According to family legend, one of my deceased male relatives regifted his kids’ OWN stuff to them for Christmas.)
I don’t know if you are familiar with Dave Ramsey or his Financial Peace University course, but he has some very interesting stuff in his course about nerds (i.e. tightwads) and free spirits (i.e. spenders), two kinds of people who often wind up married to each other. He encourages the nerds to unbend and live a little and free spirits to grow up. You might want to take the course with a fiancee if you ever find somebody you’re serious about. (I’m eventually hoping to facilitate the class at our college college chaplaincy, as the locals often get engaged at the end of college.)
