Talking with teenagers about sex

[raindr0ps]

I can see your point… hmm maybe it would be better ^^^ I’m not a parent so I wouldn’t fully know

I’m trying to understand a teenager’s perspective on this one: you’d go the opposite way and do things to hurt yourself - drugs, alcohol, dealing drugs, selling your soul to the devil (how does one do that? ) etc - simply because somebody cared enough to express her concerns to your parents? Does it feel “cool” to hurt oneself like that?

Just to clarify- I am not currently struggling with any of that garbage. Like most teens I have done dumb stuff, not going back there. & personally I’m saving myself for marriage. I do have friends who have been in her situation though. Right now I’m just bringing myself back to age 14/15ish and trying to put myself in that situation. So with that clarified…

I would not have seen it as caring, I would have seen it like any rebellious teen, my parents taking control over my life, etc. But I suppose its relative. My parents are controlling and I’m was pretty rebellious, they’d say go left I’d go right. They’re also emotionally involved, which doesn’t help cut back on the sparks. Not going to lie- I’m pretty prideful. If they had confronted me about bad habits I used to have, I would have taken the extra initiative to go against their will. Just as long as I didn’t give in to what they wanted. Granted what I was into had totally different consequences, and my parents were one of my main issues. I don’t know this girls circumstances. While I regret the hurt I caused others as a result of the choices I made, I do not regret the lessons learned. Its shaped my entity today.

In the moment its like… you feel free and in control, like your parents can do whatever they want to your possessions, privileges, physical entity, but that they can’t touch you.

At the same time all you’re really looking for is fulfillment, and the only place you’re going to find it is in the tabernacle.

Ditto to the OP- having a trusted adult from the outside step in can go a long way.

I have more I could add, and I could give it a read through and word it better, but my parents feel the need to disallow my computer access to the internet at 10:30 pm. haha

God bless yall.

 

[lovemysix]

Raindrops,

I completely understand what you are saying, and I’m a 38 year old mother of six, far from my teenage days–in fact, I have teenagers of my own now.

I, too, had a very authoritarian mother (father was not, but my parents were divorced, and I lived with my mother.) Because of the authoritarianism, I would definitely have rebelled in this situation…because of the way my mother would have reacted to hearing such a thing about me. There would have been anger, rage, and the silent treatment directed at me, and I would have run straight into the arms (and most likely, bed) of my boyfriend. Yes, I might have cut off my nose to spite my face.

Hearing genuine caring and advice from an adult I could respect would probably have been very good for me, however.

I think the answer to whether this girl will benefit from her parents being told or not depends on her personality, her parents’ attitudes and personalities, her relationship with her parents, etc.

BTW, I was a virgin when I married at the age of 21…luckily I didn’t choose that area to rebel in! I think I might have left the church due to my mother’s attitudes, though, if I had not met and married a wonderful man who taught me that there is a way to be a good Catholic and be loving and understanding as well.

Lauren

 

[coolduude]

Here’s another teen perspective:

YES, TELL THE PARENTS!!

I never cease to be amazed when I see kids who sleep around with other kids at school, then I see their parents. What do these parents do that they are so oblivous to their kid’s actions? They must be airheads or something. (not to insult your friends or anything, don’t take offense)

If you don’t tell the parents, and the girl sleeps with her boyfriend, it only goes downhill from there, and the parents would never know. Stop it while you can. The girl may get in trouble, but it will help in the long run.

Also, pray for this girl that she may make the right decisions.

 

[smswife]

You absolutely need to tell the parents.

When they send their daughter to you house to babysit, they are trusting you to make sure she is safe. Even though she is there to take care of your children, since she is a minor you are also responsible for her.

Just as you would expect the sitter to tell you if one of your children had been doing/getting near something dangerous (say, playing with a lighter), they have every right to expect you to tell them if their daughter is in danger. How else can they teach her and protect her?

And of course she is in danger.

And since you have had that kind of conversation with her, they have a right to know what was said and what kind of advice you gave so they can reinforce it as they choose.

Sure, wait a few days to give her a little time to talk to them herself, but make sure you talk to them too.

 

[BlestOne]

You can be my neighbor and feel free to talk to me about anything my kids do at your house… I wish for neighbors like you!

 

[S_J_Thaikattil]

I can see your point… hmm maybe it would be better ^^^ I’m not a parent so I wouldn’t fully know

Just to clarify- I am not currently struggling with any of that garbage. Like most teens I have done dumb stuff, not going back there. & personally I’m saving myself for marriage. I do have friends who have been in her situation though. Right now I’m just bringing myself back to age 14/15ish and trying to put myself in that situation. So with that clarified…

I would not have seen it as caring, I would have seen it like any rebellious teen, my parents taking control over my life, etc. But I suppose its relative. My parents are controlling and I’m was pretty rebellious, they’d say go left I’d go right. They’re also emotionally involved, which doesn’t help cut back on the sparks. Not going to lie- I’m pretty prideful. If they had confronted me about bad habits I used to have, I would have taken the extra initiative to go against their will. Just as long as I didn’t give in to what they wanted. Granted what I was into had totally different consequences, and my parents were one of my main issues. I don’t know this girls circumstances. While I regret the hurt I caused others as a result of the choices I made, I do not regret the lessons learned. Its shaped my entity today.

In the moment its like… you feel free and in control, like your parents can do whatever they want to your possessions, privileges, physical entity, but that they can’t touch you.

At the same time all you’re really looking for is fulfillment, and the only place you’re going to find it is in the tabernacle.

Ditto to the OP- having a trusted adult from the outside step in can go a long way.

I have more I could add, and I could give it a read through and word it better, but my parents feel the need to disallow my computer access to the internet at 10:30 pm. haha

God bless yall.

Raindrops, thanks for your response.

How does doing the opposite of what your parents say prove you are in control of your life, if what you are doing is not really good for you, and your parents are only trying to keep you from doing something that would hurt you in the short or long run (something you are unable to recognize or consider at a particular point in time, partly because of your lack of experience)?

There is nothing wrong with the sex instinct. It is beautiful, sacred and an incredibly powerful and creative energy. It can build a great family for children and lifelong companionship for the partners based on passion. Equally it can destroy outside its highest purpose, starting with broken hearts, broken homes and children with no access to the love and support of both parents in their everyday lives. And precisely for those reasons it must be handled with care.

Sex is a creative energy, the most powerful creative energy there is at the biological level. You need to channel that energy in constructive ways - lots of physical, mental and spiritual challenges to keep your body, mind and spirit occupied. Emotions can be channeled in ways that are not erotic, and/or does not need sexual expression. Important as prayer is, it is merely one way among many of dealing with the sexual energy.

I agree it is not easy to remain chaste until marriage. The hormones have a power that is overwhelming. The trick is to learn to deal with them in ways that is not self-destructive. Keeping the highest purpose of sex in mind, and praying for help in times of temptation, helps.

 

[Highwayhound]

I have more I could add, and I could give it a read through and word it better, but my parents feel the need to disallow my computer access to the internet at 10:30 pm. haha

God bless yall.

This made my soul smile

 

[S_J_Thaikattil]

In the moment its like… you feel free and in control, like your parents can do whatever they want to your possessions, privileges, physical entity, but that they can’t touch you.

At the same time all you’re really looking for is fulfillment, and the only place you’re going to find it is in the tabernacle…

I have more I could add, and I could give it a read through and word it better, but my parents feel the need to disallow my computer access to the internet at 10:30 pm. haha
God bless yall.

Raindrops

I wish to add that I find it wonderful that you are here on a Catholic website posting responses to serious issues when you could well be on other less constructive websites discussing issues which serves little useful purpose, or in fact may harm you by influencing you for the.worse instead of for the better. So you have made a good choice with your freedom.

It is great that you see the value of prayer as one of the ways in dealing with the sex instinct, which is not easy to control at any age, whether married or single. You can spend time with God in Bible reading (to have Him speak to you through the words of Scripture) and in silence (offering yourself to Him without any expectation, with an open heart and open mind, alert in a peaceful way to listen to His still small voice), even in the privacy of your room at any time without having to skip prayer because you could not make it to a Church to pray (which may not be possible at all times). Remember God is everywhere. St Paul wrote that in Him we live, move and have our being.

It is reasonable for you to discuss all your legitimate needs for personal privacy with your parents. I’m sure they would respect all requests that are reasonable, and does not cause you any harm either in the short or long run. Parents are neither all knowing nor perfect. They cannot read your mind. So it is right that you discuss your needs with them and expect them to respect your legitimate boundaries. If your need for privacy is to hide something that could harm you, then you must understand why they would be concerned.

And finally from your post this time, you make it clear that you respect the boundaries set by your parents in the use of the Internet. A 10.30 pm lights out seems reasonable enough. Teens need lots of sleep (adequate sleep) to process all that they experience during the day in their young lives! Most teens as you realize are sleep deprived because they are overactive, and suffer all sorts of negative consequences as a result, poor concentration being the first of them.

 

[S_J_Thaikattil]

In the moment its like… you feel free and in control, like your parents can do whatever they want to your possessions, privileges, physical entity, but that they can’t touch you.

At the same time all you’re really looking for is fulfillment, and the only place you’re going to find it is in the tabernacle…

I have more I could add, and I could give it a read through and word it better, but my parents feel the need to disallow my computer access to the internet at 10:30 pm. haha
God bless yall.

Raindrops

I wish to add that I find it wonderful that you are here on a Catholic website posting responses to serious issues when you could well be on other less constructive websites discussing issues which serves little useful purpose, or in fact may harm you by influencing you for the.worse instead of for the better. So you have made a good choice with your freedom.

It is great that you see the value of prayer as one of the ways in dealing with the sex instinct, which is not easy to control at any age, whether married or single. You can spend time with God through Bible reading (to have Him speak to you through the words of Scripture) and in silence (offering yourself to Him without any expectation, with an open heart and open mind, alert in a peaceful way to listen to His still small voice), even in the privacy of your room at any time without having to skip prayer because you could not make it to a Church to pray (which may not be possible at all times). Remember God is everywhere. St Paul wrote that in Him we live, move and have our being. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus asked us to go into our rooms, close the door and pray to God our Father in secret.

The Church is for the community to pray together and celebrate the Eucharist. At other times, the Church provides an atmosphere that is conducive to prayer. Jesus Himself, who went to the Synagogue to worship on the Sabbath, prayed alone on other days, alone by Himself both before He started the day and also at the end of everyday, no matter how tired He was, no matter how long He had been out preaching.

Of course most of us lay people would not follow the example set by Jesus, but it is good to remember how He prayed alone, at least twice a day, everyday.

Re your need for more privacy: It is reasonable for you to discuss all your legitimate needs for personal privacy with your parents. I’m sure they would respect all requests that are reasonable, and does not cause you any harm either in the short or long run. Parents are neither all knowing nor perfect. They cannot read your mind. So it is right that you discuss your needs with them and request that they respect your legitimate boundaries. If your need for privacy is to hide something that could harm you, then you must understand why they would be concerned.

And finally from your post this time, it is admirable that you respect the boundaries set by your parents in the use of the Internet. A 10.30 pm lights out seems reasonable enough. Teens need lots of sleep (read: adequate sleep) to process all that they experience during the day in their young lives! Most teens as you realize are sleep deprived because they are overactive, and suffer all sorts of negative consequences as a result, poor concentration being the first of them.

 

[Seatuck]

If I was close to the parents I would tell them. Probably not If I was unsure how they would react. But I would get this girl some resource materials on chastitiy. How about Theology of the Body for Teens or one of the other resources from Pure Love club?

 

[raindr0ps]

This made my soul smile

haha yay!

How does doing the opposite of what your parents say prove you are in control of your life, if what you are doing is not really good for you, and your parents are only trying to keep you from doing something that would hurt you in the short or long run (something you are unable to recognize or consider at a particular point in time, partly because of your lack of experience.

Generally it doesn’t since it limits your freedom to obey, and you could get addicted to x. But you feel free at the time, like nothing can touch you. In the mind of a messed up, lost, & confused kid who’s just looking to find fulfillment- sometimes feeling good, even for just a few minutes, is enough.

But like I said, tha’ts just one kid’s experience. Hopefully this girl is different.

If I was close to the parents I would tell them. Probably not If I was unsure how they would react. But I would get this girl some resource materials on chastitiy. How about Theology of the Body for Teens or one of the other resources from Pure Love club?

ditto. “Romance without regret” is an amazing talk (off pureloveclub.com) Or if she’s the type that would get into more theology type stuff, a good hardcore course on moral theology or TOTB for teens could go a long way.

 

[lovemysix]

To the OP:

I was thinking about this whole situation last night, pondering what I might do in a similar situation…if they were members of my parish, I honestly think that before telling the parents, I would talk to my priest, explain the situation to him, and ask for his prayers and advice. He may have some idea of what kind of family dynamics they have or may have some additional insight into the situation.

Just a thought.

Lauren

 

[PaulinVA]

To the OP:

I was thinking about this whole situation last night, pondering what I might do in a similar situation…if they were members of my parish, I honestly think that before telling the parents, I would talk to my priest, explain the situation to him, and ask for his prayers and advice. He may have some idea of what kind of family dynamics they have or may have some additional insight into the situation.

Just a thought.

Lauren

Lauren, in this specific case, I don’t think anyone would fault you for telling a high school sophomore to not have sex with a senior.

Whether you tell the parents or not is another question. I would, and I’d use the excuse of “I told your daughter this after the condoms fell out of her purse”.

I think that kids respond better to adults who act with compassion AND decisiveness.

 

[MomaMary8]

As a mother to teenagers (13 & 16) I would feel embarassed to have you tell me, my dd was carrying around condoms, but I would have taken it with humility and thankfulness. We are talking about the eternal soul of a child…not just STDs.

I think you did a wonderful thing to step up and say something to the young lady. Our children need the values taught at home to be re-enforced by those around them. It is harder and harder for our children to accept parents’ message of chasity in this world that promotes freedom of any sort of sex.

If you saw the girl getting beat up by the boyfriend, you’d step in and tell the parents. You’d even step in if you saw him threaten her. Why not with this?

Good job Mia!

BTW, all you need to do is say; “Condoms fell out of you dd’s purse when she was helping me bring in groceries. I thought you ought to know.”

 

[lovemysix]

Hi,

The OP told us she has already spoken to her babysitter. I most certainly would have done the same. We had a sitter who babysat for us from the time she was 12 until she was in her early 20s, and I would have been most concerned for her had she been carrying condoms. I care very deeply for her and would have definitely spoken to her from my heart.

The OP is now asking our opinions about whether she should tell the parents. The babysitter has already been told. I am simply giving my opinion about what I might do in a given situation. I am sorry if you misunderstood.

I probably come from a different point of view because of my own past experiences. I grew up in a situation in which family members felt they were always under obligation to tell a “sinner” what they were doing wrong because it eased their conscience. It didn’t matter if their mode of telling turned the “sinner” off completely…they simply told because they could then wash their hands of it and know that if the “sinner” decided to stay in his sinful practices, at least they wouldn’t part of the sin or of his burning in hell for eternity. Because of this, I feel very strongly that we should pray and seek counsel (if possible) before setting something in motion that may ultimately damage the person we are supposed to be helping.

I suppose we are all formed by the experiences we have been through, and I guess I was under the impression that when somebody seeks others’ opinions or advice, it’s precisely because of those varied experiences.

Peace,
Lauren

 

[iluvmybabies]

Speaking from experience because I was thinking of doing something when I was a teenager and actually trusted our HS counselor when she advised me not to and then went and called my parents when it was a confidential thing, and she promised she wouldn’t tell my parents well she called and told my mom, not parents; it’s not a fun thing to go through and even though I got in trouble and my leash got shorter, I was glad she did tell her, because then my mother never trusted me even more!! She always assumed the worst of me and after that one well that just proved her wrong…I don’t know if she told her I was just thinking about it, even though I didn’t go through with it, or what, but my virginity was gone after that day in my mother’s eyes…And that was one of the reasons I married the man that harasses me on a daily basis even though I live over 1000 miles away from him!!!

Perhaps you should just ask the girl if she did speak with her parents about it, and maybe have her even talk to the boy, but not the parents…if they call you after their kids talk to them, then that’s fine…

But definitely talk to the girl again and verify she at least was honest enough to tell her parents and to speak with her bf…

 

[MamaMia3]

SIZE=“4”]Update to our little "situation"
I called her mom and told her that her daughter had something to talk to her about. I told her that it was very important and also very personnal and that I had told her daughter I would give her the opportunity to approach you about it. I then told her mom that although I trust her daughter will talk to you I wanted to let you know what I had already said to her.
After the complete slience for about 15 seconds and the mortified sound in her voice , she actually thanked me for telling her.
Her mom called me this morning to tell me that dd came clean to her last night about what she was considering.: She said they had a really wonderful talk.
Here is the twist… dd asked her mom to call her boyfriends parents (but obviously, not tell them it was her idea) and tell them that she will only be allowed to hang out with their son at public places. Turns out she was really just falling into the trap that many HS girls fall into. Her mom thinks she was more or less being pressured and didn’t know how to handel it.

Gee, for those of us whose children are babies , boy are we in the easy stage!!!

 

[whatevergirl]

I have a 16 yr old son…I hear ya–but constant communication is key.

EXCELLENT OUTCOME!!! TY for sharing.

 

[lovemysix]

Wonderful! So glad to hear there was a happy ending!

Yeah, I never quite grasped the saying “Small children have small problems, and big children have BIG problems” until my own reached an age where I actually had to start figuring out ways to prevent those big problems from happening

Lauren

 

[iluvmybabies]

SIZE=“4”]Update to our little "situation"

I called her mom and told her that her daughter had something to talk to her about. I told her that it was very important and also very personnal and that I had told her daughter I would give her the opportunity to approach you about it. I then told her mom that although I trust her daughter will talk to you I wanted to let you know what I had already said to her.
After the complete slience for about 15 seconds and the mortified sound in her voice , she actually thanked me for telling her.
Her mom called me this morning to tell me that dd came clean to her last night about what she was considering.: She said they had a really wonderful talk.
Here is the twist… dd asked her mom to call her boyfriends parents (but obviously, not tell them it was her idea) and tell them that she will only be allowed to hang out with their son at public places. Turns out she was really just falling into the trap that many HS girls fall into. Her mom thinks she was more or less being pressured and didn’t know how to handel it.

Gee, for those of us whose children are babies , boy are we in the easy stage!!!

That’s great, I am glad things turned out for the best…I know about peer pressure and it is not a good nor happy thing…If my parents would have been more understanding about feelings and situations perhaps I wouldn’t have ran away my dad tried to advise me as much as possible but his advise was always like this “YOU DO REALIZE IF YOU DONT DO THIS GOD WILL PUNISH YOU AND THERE WILL BE NOTHING I CAN DO TO HELP YOU!” So it would push me away from a lot of things…I know they were only trying to protect me but sometimes that’s not the way to doing things…you know?!

But that’s great that things turned out for the best!!!