Telling parents about having SSA

[EasterJoy]

Thank you so much for your advice! Absolutely, I am not assuming everything will be all peachy fine…haha. After all, for me, it is a very, I don’t know, emotional? issue which has really affected my life, and I suspect part of that, if not a lot of it, will transfer to my parents. I have confidence, though, that through the grace of God, I can work this out with my parents. Not that I’m relishing the thought that there might be some painful moments on both sides…lol, far from it - but I am operating under the idea that with growth comes pain, and so that growing in relationships and in virtue is often a painful process, so in that sense, I’m glad to accept whatever pain there might be. You mentioned that you think I have a strong head on my shoulders (haha) - well, (aside from God that is,) I have my parents to thank for that; I would say they do too, and that they are loving parents that want to grow in their relationship with their children. I really see this as an opportunity for growth in our relationship. I want to grow overall in my interpersonal relationships, and I want to offer the first opportunity for my growth in this area to my parents.

Well, let’s say I don’t think a poster like you comes out of thin air. This is another step in your path to Heaven, and theirs. I think you’ll all handle it that way, when all is said and done, and that is all that ever counts.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

Bob or Charles,

Your posts are full of red flag words and issues:

• therapist
• parents
• PP
• possible vocation as priest
• etc etc etc

I am 60, haven’t got married yet. I grew up when human beings were still half way sensible.

Get the media out of your face. Get the politicians out of your face. Get the PP out of your face as far as is compatible with him being your boss. Get your parents out of your face.

Do your job well but in the light of a secular occupation. The fact that it is around a church or church office is utterly irrelevant.

Ignore sentimental posters who have said “I would want to know”.

What about if you are 37 and want to marry a nice lady and will be happily married? What is all this about then? What if you want to be 60 and start thinking about it then? (If there is peace that long.)

My mum would occasionally whine about me getting married but I just ignored her (I had moved out when I was 25).

IT IS NOT ONLY NOBODY’S BUSINESS, IT IS NOT AN ISSUE AT ALL. If you are extremely seriously lusting - whether it’s after banana skins or what the **** - consider making a very minimal mention to a confessor not your boss.

If you are told not to want to become a priest, it doesn’t matter what reasons you are told. God wants you to forget it until another life. The most important priesthood is of Christ the High Priest. The next is us having the priesthood of believers. Being clergy is way down the scale.

If you’re not much of a people person, don’t think of doing it.

Your whole ambit of connections is too cloistered.

These days 24 is far too young to start thinking of getting married or following a spiritual vocation other than layman.

Now I’ve been told there is no such vocation as layman. This is rubbish and it is far and away the most important one. On top of that it is actually the avenue to all the other vocations anyway.

How do you enter into this vocation - well you do the following:

• visit the lonely in pairs
• ask to be visited in pairs
• develop hobbies whether growing things, keeping animals, making machinery, learning languages and history. Preferably several.

In your case seriously explore transferring to different employment.

Real Christianity is about having a life, it’s not about being obsessed with religion or sexuality. If significant people in your life are, avoid them.

In my day there were no “more traditional” or “less traditional” Catholics and the EF means nothing to me but I can assure you it is utterly irrelevant to this whole matter.

I too have a “nervous temperament” and I enjoy not being burdened with institutional complications over it.

Hoping that helps! Oh and don’t neglect Brahms! (I don’t play, I listen.)

 

[Xantippe]

Bob or Charles,

Your posts are full of red flag words and issues:

• therapist
• parents
• PP
• possible vocation as priest
• etc etc etc

I am 60, haven’t got married yet. I grew up when human beings were still half way sensible.

Get the media out of your face. Get the politicians out of your face. Get the PP out of your face as far as is compatible with him being your boss. Get your parents out of your face.

Do your job well but in the light of a secular occupation. The fact that it is around a church or church office is utterly irrelevant.

Ignore sentimental posters who have said “I would want to know”.

What about if you are 37 and want to marry a nice lady and will be happily married? What is all this about then? What if you want to be 60 and start thinking about it then? (If there is peace that long.)

My mum would occasionally whine about me getting married but I just ignored her (I had moved out when I was 25).

IT IS NOT ONLY NOBODY’S BUSINESS, IT IS NOT AN ISSUE AT ALL. If you are extremely seriously lusting - whether it’s after banana skins or what the **** - consider making a very minimal mention to a confessor not your boss.

If you are told not to want to become a priest, it doesn’t matter what reasons you are told. God wants you to forget it until another life. The most important priesthood is of Christ the High Priest. The next is us having the priesthood of believers. Being clergy is way down the scale.

If you’re not much of a people person, don’t think of doing it.

Your whole ambit of connections is too cloistered.

These days 24 is far too young to start thinking of getting married or following a spiritual vocation other than layman.

Now I’ve been told there is no such vocation as layman. This is rubbish and it is far and away the most important one. On top of that it is actually the avenue to all the other vocations anyway.

How do you enter into this vocation - well you do the following:

• visit the lonely in pairs
• ask to be visited in pairs
• develop hobbies whether growing things, keeping animals, making machinery, learning languages and history. Preferably several.

In your case seriously explore transferring to different employment.

Real Christianity is about having a life, it’s not about being obsessed with religion or sexuality. If significant people in your life are, avoid them.

In my day there were no “more traditional” or “less traditional” Catholics and the EF means nothing to me but I can assure you it is utterly irrelevant to this whole matter.

I too have a “nervous temperament” and I enjoy not being burdened with institutional complications over it.

Hoping that helps! Oh and don’t neglect Brahms! (I don’t play, I listen.)

I think that is good advice to separate your spiritual advice from your place of employment. Keep those two things in separate boxes, if you can.

However, I think you’re wrong about this: “Ignore sentimental posters who have said “I would want to know”.”

You think a mother of a good-looking, bright, mysteriously single 40-year-old son doesn’t think about the possibility that he doesn’t like girls that much? You better believe we do. You can’t hide a lengthy bachelorhood from mom. Mom’s not THAT stupid.

 

[on_the_hill]

I didn’t read all the posts.

Maybe your parents know more about you than you’re assuming they know. Maybe they won’t be surprised.

 

[EasterJoy]

Bob or Charles,

Your posts are full of red flag words and issues:

• therapist
• parents
• PP
• possible vocation as priest
• etc etc etc

I am 60, haven’t got married yet. I grew up when human beings were still half way sensible.

Get the media out of your face. Get the politicians out of your face. Get the PP out of your face as far as is compatible with him being your boss. Get your parents out of your face.

Do your job well but in the light of a secular occupation. The fact that it is around a church or church office is utterly irrelevant.

Ignore sentimental posters who have said “I would want to know”.

What about if you are 37 and want to marry a nice lady and will be happily married? What is all this about then? What if you want to be 60 and start thinking about it then? (If there is peace that long.)

My mum would occasionally whine about me getting married but I just ignored her (I had moved out when I was 25).

IT IS NOT ONLY NOBODY’S BUSINESS, IT IS NOT AN ISSUE AT ALL. If you are extremely seriously lusting - whether it’s after banana skins or what the **** - consider making a very minimal mention to a confessor not your boss.

If you are told not to want to become a priest, it doesn’t matter what reasons you are told. God wants you to forget it until another life. The most important priesthood is of Christ the High Priest. The next is us having the priesthood of believers. Being clergy is way down the scale.

If you’re not much of a people person, don’t think of doing it.

Your whole ambit of connections is too cloistered.

These days 24 is far too young to start thinking of getting married or following a spiritual vocation other than layman.

Now I’ve been told there is no such vocation as layman. This is rubbish and it is far and away the most important one. On top of that it is actually the avenue to all the other vocations anyway.

How do you enter into this vocation - well you do the following:

• visit the lonely in pairs
• ask to be visited in pairs
• develop hobbies whether growing things, keeping animals, making machinery, learning languages and history. Preferably several.

In your case seriously explore transferring to different employment.

Real Christianity is about having a life, it’s not about being obsessed with religion or sexuality. If significant people in your life are, avoid them.

In my day there were no “more traditional” or “less traditional” Catholics and the EF means nothing to me but I can assure you it is utterly irrelevant to this whole matter.

I too have a “nervous temperament” and I enjoy not being burdened with institutional complications over it.

Hoping that helps! Oh and don’t neglect Brahms! (I don’t play, I listen.)

No, twenty-four is not far too young to think about a vocation to the priesthood or married life and no, having a therapist is not a “red flag.” In this day, having a therapist isn’t much more of a “red flag” than having a dentist. Yes, people kept their teeth for a lifetime for thousands of years before dentistry, but there was a lot of unnecessary tooth-based suffering back then, too. It is no offense against having a real life to know when a professional might actually be a help to you.

 

[bobballen_18]

Bob or Charles,

Your posts are full of red flag words and issues:

• therapist
• parents
• PP
• possible vocation as priest
• etc etc etc

I am 60, haven’t got married yet. I grew up when human beings were still half way sensible.

Get the media out of your face. Get the politicians out of your face. Get the PP out of your face as far as is compatible with him being your boss. Get your parents out of your face.

I’m really not quite sure what to make of your whole post. Lol. I don’t have anyone “in my face” - far from it, actually. You might be able to say I’m letting my parents “in my face” by telling them this about me, but it’s not going to be like that. And I’m not sure why you are calling the above “red flags”. What are they “red flags” for?

Do your job well but in the light of a secular occupation. The fact that it is around a church or church office is utterly irrelevant.

Well, it is not irrelevant in my case…lol, I literally work in the Church. I am a Church musician. My work is to beautify the Liturgy through truly beautiful music. That’s mostly all I do.

…
What about if you are 37 and want to marry a nice lady and will be happily married? What is all this about then? What if you want to be 60 and start thinking about it then? (If there is peace that long.)

If I am 37 and want to marry a nice lady, and I am still single and not a priest or religious, and I have the right woman, well, I would get married. Simple. Lol. Whether or not I tell my parents I have SSA has no bearing on whether or not I’ll get married when I’m 37.

My mum would occasionally whine about me getting married but I just ignored her (I had moved out when I was 25).

IT IS NOT ONLY NOBODY’S BUSINESS, IT IS NOT AN ISSUE AT ALL. If you are extremely seriously lusting - whether it’s after banana skins or what the **** - consider making a very minimal mention to a confessor not your boss.

As I have mentioned above a few times now, it’s not about going on for 30 minutes to my parents about being sexually attracted to the same sex or about lusting.

These days 24 is far too young to start thinking of getting married or following a spiritual vocation other than layman.

That’s a curious comment. I disagree wholeheartedly. It is only too young insofar as in our culture, many 24-year-olds are too immature for it, but you can’t just automatically assume that someone who is 24 is not suitable for marriage or a religious vocation.

• visit the lonely in pairs
• ask to be visited in pairs
• develop hobbies whether growing things, keeping animals, making machinery, learning languages and history. Preferably several.

I think I can agree with you on this - one aspect of “dealing with” SSA is less of a focus on oneself, and I can agree with these suggestions for that reason.

In your case seriously explore transferring to different employment.

Um, why? I mean, incidentally, I would be open to “transferring to a different employment” and if the correct opportunity opened up elsewhere, I would not hesitate to leave here - but I’m wondering why you are specifically recommending this for me.

I too have a “nervous temperament” and I enjoy not being burdened with institutional complications over it.

Where did you get in my post that I am “being burdened with institutional complications over it”? Are you referring to the fact that I am seeing a therapist?

Hoping that helps! Oh and don’t neglect Brahms! (I don’t play, I listen.)

Brahms is awesome.

 

[CompSciGuy]

I think if my son brought it forward the way you did, then I would mostly feel compassion and sympathy, because living with a same sex attraction is very difficult. I would be happy that he still wants to remain committed to church teaching. I would probably want to be extra involved in his life, and make sure that he feels loved and valued by myself and my wife so that he can feel supported. I would be most worried about him getting the idea that we loved him less because of his SSA, which would be untrue.

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

…

However, I think you’re wrong about this: “Ignore sentimental posters who have said “I would want to know”.”

You think a mother of a good-looking, bright, mysteriously single 40-year-old son doesn’t think about the possibility that he doesn’t like girls that much? You better believe we do. You can’t hide a lengthy bachelorhood from mom. Mom’s not THAT stupid.

It doesn’t matter how stupid his mum isn’t. Charles isn’t owing her anything.

If he hasn’t got around to becoming a monk, etc, at 40 he can ignore the comment at 40 like I did.

This mania about going on about what one supposedly “likes” is utterly crazy.

If she is causing him grief he should say, “I don’t happen YET to want to either get married soon or enquire about seminary soon, please give me space to pursue my locomotive building, visiting the lonely in pairs, employment etc, I don’t owe it to you to abandon a life of crime or whatever.”

Some mothers need to realise what a real worry would be.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

I dabbled with counsellors (who couldn’t help) when I was in my 30s. When I was 42 I discovered I’m autistic.

I agree some frisky young folks should consider marrying younger. But a normal age to branch out into either marrying or enquiring about seminary is now a far wider spread.

Charles, up to now continuing friendship with your parents meant safe closeness. From now on, it should mean safe distance. At least a great deal of the time. There’s no urgency or duty to tell them these things. For one thing you don’t know how in 15 or 25 years time your feelings may trend away from blokes or towards women or both or neither or how quick. You think it is a highly intense issue but I assure you, on the scale of things, it is irrelevant. It’s not new to want to continue to keep Church teachings in Holy Spirit power of the indwelling Jesus. Hordes of people of great variety - single, married, clergy - have been doing it since the year dot!

This mania you young folks get from the media for burdening everybody else with your intensities is insane. Unless you’ve a majorly shrewd idea they are going to be more up front about what I am telling you than I am, and majorly relaxed about the whole thing. Give time time. Maybe in 5 or 10 years they’ll twig how to relax of their own accord.

The people to chit chat about this to are your local Courage chapter. If there isn’t one, maybe they can be corresponded with. In my day those sort of people published nice pamphlets.

The big deal is - it’s no big deal - at all. Reality is so “not 2015”!

In a presbytery, 70 years ago there were heaps of priests but they weren’t even allowed to talk to each other and treated as robots. Now a presbytery is an even more lonely place than that. The church is offhand about relating and community altogether - towards everybody. My friend trained as a teacher and broke off dating a young lady when he was surprised by God’s call to the seminary. A priest I know was a policeman first. One was a bank manager (old style). Those who became priests straight from college in the 1970s have nearly all run into trouble - they were manic or whatever. I think these days the minimum intake is late 20s and it is unheard of to become a priest before the mid 30s these days. The average is about 40.

Another thing - there are movements that think they have a better way of fostering discernment, but sometimes that is shaky (as a young man I know found out, they were stringing him along as a “trophy” and he had interrupted his career for it). Why don’t you set yourself a 10 year period during which you will enquire through five different channels about seminary. Always keeping your diocesan people in the loop. No obligation on your part and no obligation on anyone else’s.

Meantime ask God to tip you off about the start date to start asking Him about leading you to a nice lady to marry. Before now, I didn’t do this. Probably, I drifted somewhat. Loads of people do. I never was supposed to be an early marrier.

If you put ALL the many avenues in His hands he is more likely to lead you at HIS speed and YOURS and into any of them.

Above all DON’T IGNORE THE MOST OBVIOUS AND MOST NEEDED CALL to be layman - single AS WELL AS MARRIED.

Single layman is not a desperate shame filled resort. IT IS AN EXAMPLE OTHERS NEED. Because they don’t need to do something else either.

Everyone - maybe your mother - will heap the “yes but” factor on you. Well she is missing that you haven’t made yourself unmarriageable and haven’t closed the door on anything. You haven’t given them shame. They need to learn to grow flowers or breed dogs. They should give you something to be happy for them about.

Do they have a piano? When you visit, play them a funky piece by dear Johannes!

Do you know an Etude by Burgmuller (which my Dad played)?

Can you get employment at a piano factory?

 

[Xantippe]

It doesn’t matter how stupid his mum isn’t. Charles isn’t owing her anything.

If he hasn’t got around to becoming a monk, etc, at 40 he can ignore the comment at 40 like I did.

This mania about going on about what one supposedly “likes” is utterly crazy.

If she is causing him grief he should say, “I don’t happen YET to want to either get married soon or enquire about seminary soon, please give me space to pursue my locomotive building, visiting the lonely in pairs, employment etc, I don’t owe it to you to abandon a life of crime or whatever.”

Some mothers need to realise what a real worry would be.

Have you never had the experience where you knew something was wrong, but nobody told you what it was? You know that there’s SOMETHING, nobody will say what it is, and maybe you feel a little crazy. In fact, it’s close to what they call “gaslighting” in the psychological literature.

It’s a very unpleasant feeling. As I mentioned upthread, my family has a tendency to do this with deaths and serious illness–when I was 15, I found out that my mother had cancer when someone in the extended family mentioned it casually at an extended family dinner. Likewise with the death of a beloved relative–my parents didn’t tell me, but I found out (once again) from relatives dropping it in casual conversation.

I really can’t recommend doing that sort of thing to people that you love.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

… Where did you get in my post that I am “being burdened with institutional complications over it”? …

It was only that, if “nervous temperament” is temporary like it is in some cases, it will be semi-irrelevant by the time you come to a commonplace discernment age. In my old job we looked for example at introversion and extroversion and how sensible people develop a strong auxiliary facet to balance themselves. In the same job they as it happened laid on a helpful coach regarding adapting to my specific learning differences. This wasn’t a job dealing with the public, we served a specialised community. It was very provident of God to steer me into it.

If like me any “nervous temperament” is still here at my age, it’s fine that I am happy with it and everybody around me is happy with it and it doesn’t get in the way of anybody else accessing spiritual or material benefits. There was a phase when ladies who didn’t know me very well (never blokes) used to suggest I enquire after seminary. I saw through it. I would love to be kept and fed for 7 years learning latin, history, Scriptures and philosophy! But I would hate hearing confessions, doing liturgy and managing people as vulnerable as myself.

Carry on doing the right things you are already doing and I’m sure all the people you’re talking to already will carry on helping a lot, in their own little way.

It’s great to make decent music in church - I’m glad that though we cut corners it isn’t too bad where I go.

Part of what was worrying me was the “hothouse” type of attitude of some of the other posters.

 

[randomuser]

Have you never had the experience where you knew something was wrong, but nobody told you what it was? You know that there’s SOMETHING, nobody will say what it is, and maybe you feel a little crazy. In fact, it’s close to what they call “gaslighting” in the psychological literature.

It’s a very unpleasant feeling. As I mentioned upthread, my family has a tendency to do this with deaths and serious illness–when I was 15, I found out that my mother had cancer when someone in the extended family mentioned it casually at an extended family dinner. Likewise with the death of a beloved relative–my parents didn’t tell me, but I found out (once again) from relatives dropping it in casual conversation.

I really can’t recommend doing that sort of thing to people that you love.

Which is why it’s terribly confusing to use the term “SSA” when it would be all the more simpler to use the term “homosexual,” which is the SOMETHING nobody wants to mention. And so, the parents hear the term “SSA,” which makes them all the more confused because heterosexuals aren’t attracted to same-sex people, homosexuals are, yet it’s somehow “bad” or “wrong” to ever say the word “homosexual,” and so the word “homosexual” never gets mentioned, which is the exact same word mentioned in the Catechism, but there has been an uphill battle to replace the term with the term “SSA.”

By process of elimination, if someone isn’t a heterosexual (opposite sex attraction), then the person would be homosexual (same sex attraction.) That’s why we have the English language, and a vocabulary of words to use to describe same sex attraction. Abbreviating it into “SSA” doesn’t make it go away: it’s still homosexuality.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

Have you never had the experience where you knew something was wrong, but nobody told you what it was? You know that there’s SOMETHING, nobody will say what it is, and maybe you feel a little crazy. In fact, it’s close to what they call “gaslighting” in the psychological literature.

It’s a very unpleasant feeling. As I mentioned upthread, my family has a tendency to do this with deaths and serious illness–when I was 15, I found out that my mother had cancer when someone in the extended family mentioned it casually at an extended family dinner. Likewise with the death of a beloved relative–my parents didn’t tell me, but I found out (once again) from relatives dropping it in casual conversation.

I really can’t recommend doing that sort of thing to people that you love.

Nowhere have I remotely advocated Charles do anything of the sort so please don’t imply I have!

You’ve got to distinguish what is concrete from what is not concrete!

I wouldn’t be certain Charles’ mum is like this but some posters here obviously are: their sons have CHEATED them of the daughters-in-law THEY have UNFAILINGLY promised THEMSEVLES.

If grown up sons don’t happen to bring home the girlfriends, they don’t happen to bring home the girlfriends. That’s not a concrete. No-one has been cheated AT ALL. They don’t owe anyone an urgent psychological analysis of that. Charles should be finding friends who are peers to chit chat that over with if he feels like it. What mother in her right mind wouldn’t want her son to have lots of good enough friends?

There might not be a big generation gap and Charles’ parents might be quite “young fogeys” themselves. In a thread with strangers, naturally we supply ideas to help fellow posters double check, in case for example the parents are of a young enough generation not to realise it is merely “trendy” to gut spill about nothing and not normal. Used2BeSherryG said this in post 10 and lots of others have said it. Gardens with kids says (Dec 15th at 1006 p.m) “when information is out you can’t put it back”. Well your image of Charles might think it is “information”. But is it really? There will be plenty of time in 20 years time to say, “well I didn’t happen to fancy any of the women that much” or something casual like that. Well my mum wasn’t stupid either. My mum didn’t need me to tell her that, ever. I’ve still got all my doors open and my life ahead of me, and the world is still my oyster. Now that my late Mum from her new vantage point knows what I know, she is doubtless more pleased for me than ever. Whilst “orientation” might be a handy pointer - temporary or permanent - in a seminary context (in connection with maturity), overall the John Paul II Army of sex maniacs have given it far too much profile in a day-to-day context.

I suggest you do some research about why your family did those things to you. They deprived you of the opportunity to pray for your mother and to ask God to look after you. They deprived you of the opportunity to celebrate and give thanks for your other family member. They didn’t think you a worthwhile human being to communicate to your face. These are concretes. If you unearth how it all came about I guarantee you will be shocked to the core. Most people have got lots of blood curdling things in their background. God has looked mega well after most of us. It wasn’t Harold Macmillan and it wasn’t Bill Clinton. It was God.

Just about all of what I’m going to tell below I have told already in previous threads. I’m going to continue this in the next post.

 

[randomuser]

If I am 37 and want to marry a nice lady, and I am still single and not a priest or religious, and I have the right woman, well, I would get married. Simple. Lol. Whether or not I tell my parents I have SSA has no bearing on whether or not I’ll get married when I’m 37.

A woman who would knowingly marry someone who could be gay? Whether or not you tell you parents have “SSA” absolutely has every bearing on whether or not you’ll get married. What’s to stop her from telling your parents that you don’t like women? Very high likelihood of someone playing their “speak now or forever hold your peace” card…

 

[agapewolf]

Which is why it’s terribly confusing to use the term “SSA” when it would be all the more simpler to use the term “homosexual,” which is the SOMETHING nobody wants to mention. And so, the parents hear the term “SSA,” which makes them all the more confused because heterosexuals aren’t attracted to same-sex people, homosexuals are, yet it’s somehow “bad” or “wrong” to ever say the word “homosexual,” and so the word “homosexual” never gets mentioned, which is the exact same word mentioned in the Catechism, but there has been an uphill battle to replace the term with the term “SSA.”

By process of elimination, if someone isn’t a heterosexual (opposite sex attraction), then the person would be homosexual (same sex attraction.) That’s why we have the English language, and a vocabulary of words to use to describe same sex attraction. Abbreviating it into “SSA” doesn’t make it go away: it’s still homosexuality.

again, no it isn’t.

The word “homosexuality” wasn’t in the english language until the last century. It’s a made up word that by its own definition doesn’t even make sense.

SSA is the disordered struggle, which can be healed or lessened, and has varying degrees.

It is degrading to men and women by “identifying” by the disorder. it is not an identity, or “state of being”.

 

[EasterJoy]

Have you never had the experience where you knew something was wrong, but nobody told you what it was? You know that there’s SOMETHING, nobody will say what it is, and maybe you feel a little crazy. In fact, it’s close to what they call “gaslighting” in the psychological literature.

It’s a very unpleasant feeling. As I mentioned upthread, my family has a tendency to do this with deaths and serious illness–when I was 15, I found out that my mother had cancer when someone in the extended family mentioned it casually at an extended family dinner. Likewise with the death of a beloved relative–my parents didn’t tell me, but I found out (once again) from relatives dropping it in casual conversation.

I really can’t recommend doing that sort of thing to people that you love.

In spite of what some parents think, it is not remotely “gaslighting” when their children keep as much of their inner lives private as they see fit.

The OP’s question has to do with how much and which things to tell his parents about his inner life and hidden attributes, not whether to tell them that he has a possibly-terminal illness. The choice of what to disclose about himself to his family is entirely up to him, and those who love and respect him ought to support his choices about who to tell, how much to tell them, when and how. That is true about his hopes, his dreams, his bank account, his career, his affections, his attractions, and even his secret recipe for BBQ sauce. Those things are legitimately his information to supply or withhold, as he sees fit.

A woman who would knowingly marry someone who could be gay? Whether or not you tell you parents have “SSA” absolutely has every bearing on whether or not you’ll get married. What’s to stop her from telling your parents that you don’t like women? Very high likelihood of someone playing their “speak now or forever hold your peace” card…

If a woman with SSA would not marry a man with SSA, who is she going to marry? If a man has to admit that he is attracted to other women besides the woman he is proposing to, would anyone marry him? Of course a woman might, if she believes he loves her and has the willingness and ability to remain faithful to her. Likewise, of course a woman might choose to marry a man with SSA, if she believes he has the capacity for continence.

Here is the thing: a bishop considering whether he ought to be ordained and a woman considering whether to marry him are the two parties who would actually have a right to this information. After that, the questions are only these: will it help me to become a saint if I tell them? Will it help them?

 

[bobballen_18]

Which is why it’s terribly confusing to use the term “SSA” when it would be all the more simpler to use the term “homosexual,” which is the SOMETHING nobody wants to mention. And so, the parents hear the term “SSA,” which makes them all the more confused because heterosexuals aren’t attracted to same-sex people, homosexuals are, yet it’s somehow “bad” or “wrong” to ever say the word “homosexual,” and so the word “homosexual” never gets mentioned, which is the exact same word mentioned in the Catechism, but there has been an uphill battle to replace the term with the term “SSA.”

As the “problem” of SSA is still relatively new to the Church (in terms of, for example, the state allowing same-sex unions and there being a general secular acceptance of such), the Church’s language may or may not change on this in the future. I have confidence that if the Church’s current language on this topic is found to easily be able to support a false understanding of sexuality, then she will change her language. Until then, I’ll just reiterate something I mentioned in an early post - that I don’t think it’s always terrible to use the term “homosexual”. Just that I refuse to use it as a term to describe myself. I am more or less neutral on using it, as long as it is not used as a self-description/self-identifier.

By process of elimination, if someone isn’t a heterosexual (opposite sex attraction), then the person would be homosexual (same sex attraction.) That’s why we have the English language, and a vocabulary of words to use to describe same sex attraction. Abbreviating it into “SSA” doesn’t make it go away: it’s still homosexuality.

Lol, I don’t think people use the term “SSA” because they think using it will make it go away.

A woman who would knowingly marry someone who could be gay? Whether or not you tell you parents have “SSA” absolutely has every bearing on whether or not you’ll get married. What’s to stop her from telling your parents that you don’t like women? Very high likelihood of someone playing their “speak now or forever hold your peace” card…

Well, if I fall in love with a woman, I’d be sure to tell her about my SSA, due to the “baggage” I would inevitably be bringing into the marriage, so yes, if a woman married me, she would do it knowing that I had SSA. Believe me, it’s not unheard of…there are plenty of (I hate this term too but oh well) “mixed-orientation marriages” in which the woman knows the guy has SSA (or vice versa). See, I just don’t buy the idea that having SSA automatically excludes one from marrying the opposite sex. I think part of the problem behind identifying oneself as “gay” is that it tends to make that person believe he is incapable of marriage to the opposite sex because, well, “I’m gay so I can’t marry a woman”. I mean good grief, it’s not like a guy has to go around aroused by every woman he sees in order to be “qualified” for marriage. Part of “dealing” with SSA involves not focusing on it so much, and if one doesn’t focus on it so much (i.e., make it a part of their identity), people often realize they’re not as “gay” as they think they are. So anyway, assuming any potential spouse knows this about me before getting married and is able to make a fully informed decision knowing potential difficulties which may arise from my having SSA, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me or any person with SSA marrying someone of the opposite sex - that is simply going according to our inherent nature as man and woman. I guess the only potential problem would be if the SSA spouse thinks he might not be able to consummate the marriage…and…well, frankly, I’m a guy, I don’t think I’ll have trouble with that. Lol. If I ever find I truly love a woman, then regardless of what my usual “sexual preferences” are, I have this strange feeling (lol) that I won’t have trouble with the marital act.

Well, since I’m going to tell my parents, then it wouldn’t matter if my potential future spouse told my parents “I don’t like women” (which would be a very unclear, unprecise, and mostly false statement which does not accurately describe the experience of SSA, at least in my experience). I get the feeling that both any potential spouse of mine and my parents will/would understand me much better than you seem to be doing right now. In any case, I maintain my claim that whether or not I tell my parents has absolutely no bearing on whether I get married or not in the future.

See, I choose to (be working towards, at least) not live in fear about this. Sure, I am aware of the possibility of telling this to someone “backfiring”, so to speak. But as I alluded to in an earlier post, I am willing to take the risk.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

I would just add to my third-from last-para, there are some obvious things it’s extra nice to talk about all the same, and some it’s extra nice not to. Delicacy where delicacy is due - Courage chapter I suggest.

Charles, I can only advise two things really:

• desexualise your attractions,
• find yourself amusing, witty or droll.

Now our story. My grandmother was on the shelf with learning differences and a heart condition (doghouse nos 1 and 2). They had already changed religion when she was 5. Then she was whisked off abroad by a foreigner (doghouse no 3) of a third religion (doghouse no 4). Then when her race was under threat from a third country (on top of being foreign to her in-laws anyway and possibly not a further convert, doghouse nos 5 and 6 - or is it 7) she and the girls said goodbye to my mum’s little brother when he was 12 (couldn’t hang onto her own son - doghouse no 7 - or is it 8) and because it wasn’t easy to import assets which may well have been in a married name for all I know, they had to lodge penniless doghouse no. umpteen, and got thrown onto the pavement one afternoon doghouse umpteen and one.

Each half of a family in the circumstances of that threat had to swear the others were dead to delay the enemy from tracing them assuming the enemy would reach Britain after (it was God who held them back at this point - but we haven’t traced my uncle). I have talked around and others of that race have told me this recently.

That grandmother passed away before my mum married but she is my top heroine!

On the other side we have “eccentric” uncles, a famously underachieving great-grandfather, several generations of early bereavements (grieving) and remarriages, abrupt changes from wealth to poverty, and my grandparents themselves converted religion twice in their own lifetimes (intrepid explorers ). My dad’s school let him down but the Army gave him an excellent education.

So you see I am much shaped by wars.

On the different “anglo-saxon” sides alone, we come from three scattered regions - several generations of urban semi-rootless, all marrying after their parents’ decease.

As I was most probably malabsorbing my parents were threatened with prosecution “for” neglect which put them off asking for more help for me. I was corporally punished for being unable to do PE without a letter. We lived in a very nice town but in an inadequate house and that was innocent in cause. Cognitive processing, method in achieving the simplest things, health, and human beings’ potential for overcoming that shame which is heaped on one by others, have become precious to me since the whole saga unfolded stage by stage.

Since I learned more and more, every single member of every side of the family has gone up higher and higher in my estimation.

And we were scarcely other than very ordinary people. Multiply this eight billion times!

At one time it was standard not to grieve for miscarried and stillborn children, either by parents or by siblings. I don’t know whether we’ve had any or not!

If I could play God in just one thing, I would advise my mother about saying what she had sworn not to say (with her own slight learning difference - which didn’t stop her holding a number of good jobs).

 

[EasterJoy]

Which is why it’s terribly confusing to use the term “SSA” when it would be all the more simpler to use the term “homosexual,” which is the SOMETHING nobody wants to mention. And so, the parents hear the term “SSA,” which makes them all the more confused because heterosexuals aren’t attracted to same-sex people, homosexuals are, yet it’s somehow “bad” or “wrong” to ever say the word “homosexual,” and so the word “homosexual” never gets mentioned, which is the exact same word mentioned in the Catechism, but there has been an uphill battle to replace the term with the term “SSA.”

By process of elimination, if someone isn’t a heterosexual (opposite sex attraction), then the person would be homosexual (same sex attraction.) That’s why we have the English language, and a vocabulary of words to use to describe same sex attraction. Abbreviating it into “SSA” doesn’t make it go away: it’s still homosexuality.

If those who actually have this attraction as part of their experience of life want to use the term, “SSA,” what dog do you have in that fight? Surely no one who speaks English fluently actually believes that English usage always is or ought to be simple and intuitive to them personally. Wish all you like, but that is never going to happen.

The terminology we’re discussing is not at all “terribly confusing” to anyone who is willing to spend more than two minutes learning about the topic. The opinions of those who can’t be bothered with such a great investment of time on the topic does not matter as much as the opinion of those who actually live within the topic. If the OP prefers to use SSA, an extremely common terminology, it isn’t a great exertion to use it.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

… I have confidence that if the Church’s current language on this topic is found to easily be able to support a false understanding of sexuality, then she will change her language. …

Namely,

• chastity

as per Jesus and the Apostles.