Temptation, lust and adultery

  • Thread starter Thread starter iskra
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I

iskra

Guest
Hi there -

I am new poster but a longtime lurker. I have some questions and could use some advice.

Neither my wife nor I were Catholic but undertook the premarital counseling required to be married in the church. We both were baptized and received the Eucharist but we never completed the final step of confirmation.

I’ve always been more of a believer than she has and continue to attend mass on and off on an irregular basis. I sometimes pray the rosary and sometimes I don’t. My wife is more of a rationalist and dismisses most religious beliefs.

I mention this at the outset to frame the narrative that follows.

For the past couple of months I have had a terrible time with the proverbial, 7-Year Itch. We’ve been married just over six years and I’ve never acted on it, never been with another woman, never touched another woman or been in a situation where I could act on it. But, I’ve been experiencing a considerable amount of lust towards a co-worker and I can’t stop thinking about her. I don’t want a relationship with her, I just want to…ahem…scratch the proverbial itch.

As Jesus said, if you commit lust in your heart, you have already sinned. Of course, I start thinking more and more about that and feel even guiltier.

I love my wife and these past few weeks I’ve been really focusing on strengthening our relationship by trying to be more attentive towards, sending out thoughts of love and really trying to pray.

I know that adultery is terribly destructive to all parties involved, that it is a wrecking ball. I love my wife and don’t want to lose her but the temptation keeps coming on. I was hoping some of the others, especially the men, could give me some ideas, strategies or prayers that I could use to refocus on my committment and avoid the lust and the guilt that accompanies it.

thanks
 
Some advice?

Forget the itch.

You will ruin your marriage and destroy your wife.

It’s nothing but selfish.
 
iskra said:
Hi there -

I am new poster but a longtime lurker. I have some questions and could use some advice.

Neither my wife nor I were Catholic but undertook the premarital counseling required to be married in the church. We both were baptized and received the Eucharist but we never completed the final step of confirmation.

I’ve always been more of a believer than she has and continue to attend mass on and off on an irregular basis. I sometimes pray the rosary and sometimes I don’t. My wife is more of a rationalist and dismisses most religious beliefs.

I mention this at the outset to frame the narrative that follows.

For the past couple of months I have had a terrible time with the proverbial, 7-Year Itch. We’ve been married just over six years and I’ve never acted on it, never been with another woman, never touched another woman or been in a situation where I could act on it. But, I’ve been experiencing a considerable amount of lust towards a co-worker and I can’t stop thinking about her. I don’t want a relationship with her, I just want to…ahem…scratch the proverbial itch.

As Jesus said, if you commit lust in your heart, you have already sinned. Of course, I start thinking more and more about that and feel even guiltier.

I love my wife and these past few weeks I’ve been really focusing on strengthening our relationship by trying to be more attentive towards, sending out thoughts of love and really trying to pray.

I know that adultery is terribly destructive to all parties involved, that it is a wrecking ball. I love my wife and don’t want to lose her but the temptation keeps coming on. I was hoping some of the others, especially the men, could give me some ideas, strategies or prayers that I could use to refocus on my committment and avoid the lust and the guilt that accompanies it.

thanks
Click to expand...
I’m only engaged myself, but the same rules apply to me my friend.

I recommend reading the Confessions of St Augustine. he had major battles with lust and rationalized for years why his behavior was correct. Of course, then he was just plan ole Augustine 🙂

It is a fabulous book, and the excerpts version is an easy read, and very positive.

Also, pray for his intercession in your thoughts and actions.

Lastly, check out trueknights.org. Focuses a lot on pornography, but the hit issues for men and chastity. I saw the leader on life on the Rock and he was a wonderful speaker and inspiration.

I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
iskra said:
Hi there -

I am new poster but a longtime lurker. I have some questions and could use some advice.

Neither my wife nor I were Catholic but undertook the premarital counseling required to be married in the church. We both were baptized and received the Eucharist but we never completed the final step of confirmation.

I’ve always been more of a believer than she has and continue to attend mass on and off on an irregular basis. I sometimes pray the rosary and sometimes I don’t. My wife is more of a rationalist and dismisses most religious beliefs.

I mention this at the outset to frame the narrative that follows.

For the past couple of months I have had a terrible time with the proverbial, 7-Year Itch. We’ve been married just over six years and I’ve never acted on it, never been with another woman, never touched another woman or been in a situation where I could act on it. But, I’ve been experiencing a considerable amount of lust towards a co-worker and I can’t stop thinking about her. I don’t want a relationship with her, I just want to…ahem…scratch the proverbial itch.

As Jesus said, if you commit lust in your heart, you have already sinned. Of course, I start thinking more and more about that and feel even guiltier.

I love my wife and these past few weeks I’ve been really focusing on strengthening our relationship by trying to be more attentive towards, sending out thoughts of love and really trying to pray.

I know that adultery is terribly destructive to all parties involved, that it is a wrecking ball. I love my wife and don’t want to lose her but the temptation keeps coming on. I was hoping some of the others, especially the men, could give me some ideas, strategies or prayers that I could use to refocus on my committment and avoid the lust and the guilt that accompanies it.

thanks
Click to expand...
Hi there!

Thanks for posting 🙂

First thing I wanted to ask: Shouldn’t you be fully confirmed as a Catholic before you may receive the Holy Eucharist? Maybe someone can verify that for me.

And, for your question. This may seem a bit harsh, but in a nutshell:

You have to realise that there is no way that you will ** ever **scratch your itch without ruining your life. Forever. Even if your wife don’t find out, and you go to confession, you will never be the same again. This is a turning point in your life and your decision will affect your own life as well as your wife’s as well as any children.

It’s a futile thought pattern.

Just do what you have been doing, focus on your wife, stop seeing this woman. If you can avoid her at the office totally, do so.

If you are guilty of lust, go to confession. And go to confession each time you are guilty of lust, and ** go to the same priest every time **.

Choose the narrow path and steer clear of these soul damaging thoughts.

PM
 
Adoration of the blessed sacrament and confession.

By going to confession, you get back into a state of grace. Intentionally missing mass, as your post seems to imply, kicks you out of it. Telling the priest of your temptations, even if you haven’t given in, will get you guidance and a spiritual strengthening that reduces both the frequency and severity of the temptation.

Adoration of the blessed sacrament provides many, many spiritual benefits, gets us closer to God in a hurry and as I before I started to type this I was reminded (ahem) that I need to be going, as I frequently suffer from the temptation of lust.

I’ll pray for you.
 
iskra said:
Hi there -

I am new poster but a longtime lurker. I have some questions and could use some advice.

Neither my wife nor I were Catholic but undertook the premarital counseling required to be married in the church. We both were baptized and received the Eucharist but we never completed the final step of confirmation.

I’ve always been more of a believer than she has and continue to attend mass on and off on an irregular basis. I sometimes pray the rosary and sometimes I don’t. My wife is more of a rationalist and dismisses most religious beliefs.

I mention this at the outset to frame the narrative that follows.

For the past couple of months I have had a terrible time with the proverbial, 7-Year Itch. We’ve been married just over six years and I’ve never acted on it, never been with another woman, never touched another woman or been in a situation where I could act on it. But, I’ve been experiencing a considerable amount of lust towards a co-worker and I can’t stop thinking about her. I don’t want a relationship with her, I just want to…ahem…scratch the proverbial itch.

As Jesus said, if you commit lust in your heart, you have already sinned. Of course, I start thinking more and more about that and feel even guiltier.

I love my wife and these past few weeks I’ve been really focusing on strengthening our relationship by trying to be more attentive towards, sending out thoughts of love and really trying to pray.

I know that adultery is terribly destructive to all parties involved, that it is a wrecking ball. I love my wife and don’t want to lose her but the temptation keeps coming on. I was hoping some of the others, especially the men, could give me some ideas, strategies or prayers that I could use to refocus on my committment and avoid the lust and the guilt that accompanies it.

thanks
Click to expand...
I think the key is to receive the sacraments.

Go to Mass, every week. Go to confession as soon as you have committed a mortal sin. Get confirmed. Follow the commandments, all of them.

Since I became an observant Catholic (about 2.5 years ago) it has become much easier to follow the commandments.

The sacraments give you tremendous grace.

God Bless
 
You are going to have to NOT look twice and let it get the better of you. If you screw up for a temporary fling, you will have it on your soul and your wife will find out about it, in this life or on judgement day. Get cleaned up in confession , get confirmed, get your marriage blessed by the Church and get your wife to heaven along with yourself. I was a real jerk of a husband. Then at 32, I got testicular cancer and almost died. The wife I mistreated held my hand, cleaned up my puke, stayed up at night listening for my breaths so I wouldn’t die on her. After that, I finally got in through my thick skull she really loved me. Don’t wait until your death bed to have a change of heart. Do it now. Take that chance on your wife and let go of what you are really searching for, which is at home every day for you already.Tim
 
PennitentMan said:
Hi there!

Thanks for posting 🙂

First thing I wanted to ask: Shouldn’t you be fully confirmed as a Catholic before you may receive the Holy Eucharist? Maybe someone can verify that for me.
Click to expand...
You have to have received First Holy Commuion in order to receive. If you had to be fully confirmed first, no kids would be allowed to receive. 🙂

To the OP, the fact that you know cheating is wrong shows that you are not thinking with your heart. We are all tempted, and the more you want to get close to God, the more Satan doesn’t like it. I would go to confession, receive the Holy Eucharist, go to adoration and pray as much as you can. I think you already know that scratching that itch with someone other than your wife won’t just ruin your marriage, it’ll damage your relationship with God too. Ask Him to help you avoid temptation, and He will – but you have to work at it too.

I’ll say a prayer for you. God bless. 😃
 
I should probably clarify a couple points. I only remember being baptized prior to our being married; I may not have received the Eucharist. I used to attend Episcopalian services and I may be conflating the two.

Also, I am not in a situation with this other individual, let’s call her Mrs. X, that could lead to cheating. It’s rather my perception and the intrusive thoughts of cheating that troubles me. When I talk to Mrs. X, it is usually about books (we share similar tastes in books) or work, I always try to work in, “Oh, my wife said,” or "My wife did…"to make it clear that I am in a committed relationship. It’s just the temptation.

Anyways, no excuses, thanks for the advice and none of it was too harsh, it was really what I needed to hear. I don’t always like it but I do need a swift kick in the rear.

thanks again.
 
iskra said:
Hi there -

I am new poster but a longtime lurker. I have some questions and could use some advice.

Neither my wife nor I were Catholic but undertook the premarital counseling required to be married in the church. We both were baptized and received the Eucharist but we never completed the final step of confirmation.

I’ve always been more of a believer than she has and continue to attend mass on and off on an irregular basis. I sometimes pray the rosary and sometimes I don’t. My wife is more of a rationalist and dismisses most religious beliefs.

I mention this at the outset to frame the narrative that follows.

For the past couple of months I have had a terrible time with the proverbial, 7-Year Itch. We’ve been married just over six years and I’ve never acted on it, never been with another woman, never touched another woman or been in a situation where I could act on it. But, I’ve been experiencing a considerable amount of lust towards a co-worker and I can’t stop thinking about her. I don’t want a relationship with her, I just want to…ahem…scratch the proverbial itch.

As Jesus said, if you commit lust in your heart, you have already sinned. Of course, I start thinking more and more about that and feel even guiltier.

I love my wife and these past few weeks I’ve been really focusing on strengthening our relationship by trying to be more attentive towards, sending out thoughts of love and really trying to pray.

I know that adultery is terribly destructive to all parties involved, that it is a wrecking ball. I love my wife and don’t want to lose her but the temptation keeps coming on. I was hoping some of the others, especially the men, could give me some ideas, strategies or prayers that I could use to refocus on my committment and avoid the lust and the guilt that accompanies it.

thanks
Click to expand...
Affairs never start over night…they are first thought of…then fantasized over…then…acted upon. The first step is to pray very hard about it of course. But, know this…that sin always looks attractive. The devil doesn’t show himself to us wearing horns and carrying a pitch fork…he is subtle…seeps in when we are weak…and typically is dressed up in the form of our weakness. (in this case, an attractive woman) Not that the woman herself is evil–but what you think about when viewing her, is. So…remember…sin always looks like fun. Between the pain it will cause your wife…AND THE PAIN IT WILL CAUSE YOU (people forget about the pain sin causes themselves)…it is not worth it.

We will keep you in our prayers…pray for strength against the enemy.
 
iskra said:
I should probably clarify a couple points. I only remember being baptized prior to our being married; I may not have received the Eucharist. I used to attend Episcopalian services and I may be conflating the two.

Also, I am not in a situation with this other individual, let’s call her Mrs. X, that could lead to cheating. It’s rather my perception and the intrusive thoughts of cheating that troubles me. When I talk to Mrs. X, it is usually about books (we share similar tastes in books) or work, I always try to work in, “Oh, my wife said,” or "My wife did…"to make it clear that I am in a committed relationship. It’s just the temptation.

Anyways, no excuses, thanks for the advice and none of it was too harsh, it was really what I needed to hear. I don’t always like it but I do need a swift kick in the rear.

thanks again.
Click to expand...
Make sure you talk to a Priest about your situation before you recieve the Eucharist. You have
to be in a state of grace to receive any of the Sacraments or that in itself is a grave sin. Don’t be discouraged if the Priest recommends a class to attend like RCIA over a period of months. I came back to the Church at 34 , having only been Baptized and received first Holy Communion. I had to go to confession a few times, then get confirmed and have my marriage validated “blessed” by the Church. Relations with my wife had to cease until the marriage was recognised by the Church. It sounds like you are on the right road and this temptation is trying to divert you. The devil was infuriated when I came back to the Church and threw everything he could to mess me up, so expect the same. Don’t fold to it brother, too many souls at stake here. Tim
 
iskra said:
I should probably clarify a couple points. I only remember being baptized prior to our being married; I may not have received the Eucharist. I used to attend Episcopalian services and I may be conflating the two.

Also, I am not in a situation with this other individual, let’s call her Mrs. X, that could lead to cheating. It’s rather my perception and the intrusive thoughts of cheating that troubles me. When I talk to Mrs. X, it is usually about books (we share similar tastes in books) or work, I always try to work in, “Oh, my wife said,” or "My wife did…"to make it clear that I am in a committed relationship. It’s just the temptation.

Anyways, no excuses, thanks for the advice and none of it was too harsh, it was really what I needed to hear. I don’t always like it but I do need a swift kick in the rear.

thanks again.
Click to expand...
My advice: talk to a priest/go to confession about this and every time you feel this way go and talk to him. It will help you tremendously!

God Bless!
 
When I am tempted in this area (and many others) I try to meditate on this passage

1 Corinthians 6:9-11

9Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

“By doing this, I am removing myself from the Kingdom”

Hopefully, this usually gets my head screwed back on straight.

The thought of burning in hell over a one night stand usually gets me focused back on reality.
 
housewife said:
My advice: talk to a priest/go to confession about this and every time you feel this way go and talk to him. It will help you tremendously!

God Bless!
Click to expand...
I think this is solid and effective advice. For all the well-intentioned spouting about prayer, “ignoring” the temptation, attending adoration, etc., lust is such a powerful and potentially destructive force. It will help you not only talk this through, but to take on a spiritual advisor/priest with whom you can be honest and accountable in ways you simply cannot be with your wife. Sometimes part of the intrigue and fantasy IS the secrecy. I commend you for fighting this very human urge and working to honor your vows.
 
Hmm…very interesting…allow me to be contrariwise…

God created animals, animals don’t sin = animals are good.
animals sometimes have multiple partners + God created animals + animals don’t sin = hmmm…animals are better than humans …?

Animals are instinctive + God created animals + animals don’t sin + blah blah blah…= animals don’t have to worry about being what God created them to be.

so…

God then did not create man to be an animal, sin, or have sex…except that the male prostate requires frequent discharge to remain in top condition…a buildup of fluid long term, may lead to prostate cancer or whatever…

Man does not have instincts at all…we know this because we can follow the math…

God made man to be perfect + no sin + no instincts…= man is good…

But do we really have no instincts?
Do we not have all the basic needs that an animal has?

Now sure…some might say we are better than animals…really? Have you looked at our humanity…

Paleontologists have found at least three separate hominid species. There is us (Homosapiens), then there was cro-magnon Homoerectus. And lastly Ardipithecus ramidus kadabba. Apparently God created the first Kadabba feller, then for some mysterious reason God created Homoerectus. Homoerectus eliminated (violently) their competion…hmmm…sounds like territory…hmmm sounds instinctive…hmm…is the way God made them…then God creates Homosapien…and we kill (perhaps even murder) Homoerectus…hmmm…instinctive…hmmm natural order of things…hmm is the way life is…

So we are instinctive…it is the way we are and are to be…sure don’t go off the deepend though. Your fiance most assuredly wouldn’t approve…but don’t beat yourself up for being human.

It is humanity, and we are what we are…after all God made you with a libido…unless he didn’t 😉
 
Pray a Hail Mary for her while do your best to concentrate on other things. Do your best to limit involvement with this co-worker and if necessary and possible, get away from her entirely. If you’re already friendly with her, depending on what degree this is so, you ought to make it readily apparent (subtlety or quite openly) that you are indeed married and have no intention of getting involved with her.

Have you spoken to your wife about this? I don’t know how you two are, and I certainly don’t have any marital experience, but it would seem like something like temptation, lust and such are worthy topics to be discussed between married people. Perhaps this is an opportunity for the both of you to enter into prayer together. Surely your wife is concerned for you, just as you would be concerned for her if she were in the same situation.

Do speak openly about your devotion and love for her. You shouldn’t fear her because you experience the tendency to want to indulge lust. But you both have dignity and it would be a shame if you didn’t fear with all reverence that which is inherent in your marriage.

If I have said anything unwise, I hope someone here will correct me.

God bless you and take care!
 
tjhvn said:
When I am tempted in this area (and many others) I try to meditate on this passage

1 Corinthians 6:9-11

9Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

“By doing this, I am removing myself from the Kingdom”
Hopefully, this usually gets my head screwed back on straight.
The thought of burning in hell over a one night stand usually gets me focused back on reality.
Click to expand...
I like the passage a little futher on: 1 Cor 6:18-20:

18Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. 19Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

I like the advice others have already given you: Have as little to do with the woman as possible, which granted, may be difficult if you work together, but no private, non-work-related conversations, no going to lunch or breaks together, etc. Yes, frequent mention of your wife in conversation has been a good idea to remind both of you that you’re married. Pray and speak to a priest about your temptations and just get busy, busy, busy with other things, especially with paying more attention to your relationship with your wife. I’m guessing that temptations about this particular woman co-worker will pass in a few months (at most) as long as you don’t “feed” the attraction.

Best wishes,
Christine
 
havemercy said:
P

Have you spoken to your wife about this? I don’t know how you two are, and I certainly don’t have any marital experience, but it would seem like something like temptation, lust and such are worthy topics to be discussed between married people. Perhaps this is an opportunity for the both of you to enter into prayer together. Surely your wife is concerned for you, just as you would be concerned for her if she were in the same situation.

Do speak openly about your devotion and love for her. You shouldn’t fear her because you experience the tendency to want to indulge lust. But you both have dignity and it would be a shame if you didn’t fear with all reverence that which is inherent in your marriage.

If I have said anything unwise, I hope someone here will correct me.

God bless you and take care!
Click to expand...
I think this is great advice. If you talk to your wife about it it will be out of your head. I have always told my dh that if he feels attracted to someone else or suspects that someone is attracted to him to just tell me. It might sting a little at first but if he tells me about it we can worl through it together. I know that yoi do not plan on cheating, but if you told your wife your struggles that would pretty much ensure that you never would. Of course you should still pray and talk to a priest, but also talk to your wife.
 
I Think All The Advice Above Is Good Advice. But I Also Want To Add This Is Normal. We All Feel This At One Time Or Another. But Trust Me If You Just Ignore It Before Long You Will Forget About It.

And This Person Who You Are Atracted To Will A Year From Now Just Be A Memory.

You Wont Even Believe You Were Attracted To Her.

But If You Act On It You Can Never Go Back. And Will Never Forgive Yourself. Anyone Who Has Cheated Will Tell You That.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top