There is that possibility.Strange - I’m on the Asperger spectrum but I don’t treat my wife that way.
Have you considered the possibility that maybe he’s just a jerk?
That doesn’t mean that they are going to be successful.Well… I can’t argue that there are certainly people with mental disabilities that obviously prevent them from having even the capability of knowledge of marriage vows. That would seem to be people with serious disabilities and low functioning skills.
I probably would not feel comfortable even issuing someone like that a valid drivers license!
Otherwise, someone would have to have confess to a tribunal that they never truly had intentions to be faithfully honor their spouse.
I believe that if there is no evidence of an invalid sacrament, with both spouses professing to have had knowledge and willful consent during their marriage vows, both spouses must work together to bring the marriage to Reconciliation and conjugal relations.
That seems wise.I**f after you made your feelings known, he has stopped with the abusive behavior, I would accept that at face value. Progress not perfection. As long as there is steady progress, I would celebrate that and work with it. ** The disruption and trauma of divorce is real.
Being an aspie, it might help if you journal and track progress, so that you can see the big picture. Expect a bad day here and there but if he is trying, maybe he stopped and realized what he was doing. Is this the first time you have seen him “rally” to the point he is now doing? If so give him a little time to grow. Don’t go back to being abused, but don’t end things if he is now making a supreme effort.
As far as temptation goes, many suffer from that. Ask Our Lady for help. She will always. Not asking for help is a clear indicator that we don’t want any help, that we are choosing to fall. If we are sincere about getting help we will get it.
The OP said her husband is “Being super controlling with sex, either withholding or demanding.”Remember, your body does not belong to you. It is for the Lord and your spouse. I struggle with this too. I’ve gone many months and over a yr twice without sex from wife. I made some mistakes through extreme temptation and urges, but remember the level of intimacy you share with another person leaves a memory that can’t be taken away! We don’t want that!
Right. I know the feeling. But we need to keep trying.That doesn’t mean that they are going to be successful.
The OP has been posting for a long time about her marital issues.
Yeah, that is awful. I was talking about intimacy with another person. We have to try to avoid that. It’s hard when there are big issues at home.The OP said her husband is “Being super controlling with sex, either withholding or demanding.”
The condition could be known, but understated. I went out with a girl who had bipolar. We discussed marriage etc…but eventually went our separate ways. It was only years after that I realised what would be involved in marrying someone with such a condition.Sure, there are extreme levels of mental illness. And if the condition is unknown at the time of vows, perhaps that’s possible. How a spouse would not be aware of this sort of severe mental illness, yet wish to spend the rest of their lives together is hard for me to understand.
like Agape?The condition could be known, but understated. I went out with a girl who had bipolar. We discussed marriage etc…but eventually went our separate ways. It was only years after that I realised what would be involved in marrying someone with such a condition.
You think that love is all you need to deal with a spouse with a serious mental illness?like Agape?
What is your point? That someone is justified to divorce a bipolar spouse? ??You think that love is all you need to deal with a spouse with a serious mental illness?
bipolar-lives.com/bipolar-and-divorce.html
Even by a very conservative estimate, marriage involving a bipolar spouse are twice as likely to lead to divorce.
How this came up was AdamPeter talking about how he had dated a bipolar woman. He said, “It was only years after that I realised what would be involved in marrying someone with such a condition.”What is your point? That someone is justified to divorce a bipolar spouse? ??
Exactly…it’s not anything to do with love. It’s more to do with being able to evaluate yourself and be able to know that 1) I don’t think I could deal with that 2) I wanted a partner in marriage who was able to manage life at least as well as I was (an equal partner) 3) I’m not actually prepared to deal with that and looking back I’m not sure if she would have been able for marriage.How this came up was AdamPeter talking about how he had dated a bipolar woman. He said, “It was only years after that I realised what would be involved in marrying someone with such a condition.”
You responded, “like Agape?” and I said that love is not enough for dealing with serious mental illness and mentioned that people with bipolar have twice the incidence of divorce as non-bipolar people.
Love by itself just isn’t enough for dealing with a person who makes bad, impulsive decisions over and over, who keeps losing jobs, has poor control over their temper, isn’t a good partner, and who thinks that their problems are other people’s fault and totally unrelated to their behavior.
(We have a dear friend who is bipolar and has been divorced twice, but given all the stuff he’s done over the years, I don’t think we could be friends still if we lived in the same area.)
I respectfully disagree that love wouldn’t keep the marriage together. I dated an alcoholic. I am glad I didnt marry her either. But if I did, love would keep us together. Not any love, but agape.How this came up was AdamPeter talking about how he had dated a bipolar woman. He said, “It was only years after that I realised what would be involved in marrying someone with such a condition.”
You responded, “like Agape?” and I said that love is not enough for dealing with serious mental illness and mentioned that people with bipolar have twice the incidence of divorce as non-bipolar people.
Love by itself just isn’t enough for dealing with a person who makes bad, impulsive decisions over and over, who keeps losing jobs, has poor control over their temper, isn’t a good partner, and who thinks that their problems are other people’s fault and totally unrelated to their behavior.
(We have a dear friend who is bipolar and has been divorced twice, but given all the stuff he’s done over the years, I don’t think we could be friends still if we lived in the same area.)
and I’d add 4) the kids are going to have to deal with a lot of stuff they shouldn’t have to deal with.Exactly…it’s not anything to do with love. It’s more to do with being able to evaluate yourself and be able to know that 1) I don’t think I could deal with that 2) I wanted a partner in marriage who was able to manage life at least as well as I was (an equal partner) 3) I’m not actually prepared to deal with that and looking back I’m not sure if she would have been able for marriage.
Just because you don’t think you could do it, doesn’t make it right. You are not the measure. You can do all things with Christ!Exactly…it’s not anything to do with love. It’s more to do with being able to evaluate yourself and be able to know that 1) I don’t think I could deal with that 2) I wanted a partner in marriage who was able to manage life at least as well as I was (an equal partner) 3) I’m not actually prepared to deal with that and looking back I’m not sure if she would have been able for marriage.
But that’s very much begging the question–we don’t know if the person has the wherewithal for a valid marriage.I respectfully disagree that love wouldn’t keep the marriage together. I dated an alcoholic. I am glad I didnt marry her either. But if I did, love would keep us together. Not any love, but agape.
Nothing justifies sin against our spouses, and nothing justifies permanently closing reconciliation to a penetant Christian spouse.
I’m not in total disagreement with you. It’s not always a right to jump back to reconciliation. But closing the door to a valid spouse is not Christian.
Some people just aren’t capable of being an OK spouse.Just because you don’t think you could do it, doesn’t make it right. You are not the measure. You can do all things with Christ!
Jesus told Peter to forgive someone who sins against them, not 7 times, but 7 times 70!
I understand it is not easy and we make mistakes. But it’s not Christian to simply say “I don’t love you, and I don’t want to reconcile”
Sometimes separation is necessary, and the right thing to do. But giving the spouse hope and help to get better is our duty. Never close the door to possible reconciliation. It might need a lot of time and effort to earn trust, but that is what it means to lose our life for Christ’s sake.
So you’re saying I was wrong to not stay in that relationship?Just because you don’t think you could do it, doesn’t make it right. You are not the measure. You can do all things with Christ!
Jesus told Peter to forgive someone who sins against them, not 7 times, but 7 times 70!
I understand it is not easy and we make mistakes. But it’s not Christian to simply say “I don’t love you, and I don’t want to reconcile”
Sometimes separation is necessary, and the right thing to do. But giving the spouse hope and help to get better is our duty. Never close the door to possible reconciliation. It might need a lot of time and effort to earn trust, but that is what it means to lose our life for Christ’s sake.
Yes, I agree with you. But if the marriage went to the tribunal and was not declared invalid, one should act as though it is valid.But that’s very much begging the question–we don’t know if the person has the wherewithal for a valid marriage.
For example, I’m quite sure that my old friend the bipolar guy cannot validly marry.
Also, you’re making a lot of assumptions about it only being the non-alcoholic, non-mentally ill spouse who would leave. It might well be the alcoholic or the mentally ill spouse leaving. One can’t unilaterally force them to stay, agape or no agape.
No, not at all! You discerned well. However, if you would have chosen to marry, then I don’t think you are justified to “throw in the towel” and say “I just don’t deserve this, I can’t help this person. I’m looking for a more loving spouse”So you’re saying I was wrong to not stay in that relationship?