Terrible First 3 months of Marriage

[Marie]

dulcissima:

Vern,

Only a couple of the many people who have posted here have out and out advised this woman to leave her husband. I am not one of them. I think that it is something she should be willing to consider. I think she would be better advised to get the opinion of her priest.

You say that I am projecting. Actually, what I am doing is sharing my experience as someone whose husband has similar qualities and who has done everything possible in 16 years of marriage to keep the marriage together when perhaps I should not have.

Her husband’s “it’s my house” attitude is very similar to my husband’s. When we married we both worked, and in fact I made twice as much as him. When I became pregnant with my second child his career was starting to take off, and we decided together for me to stay home with our children. Now he lords money over me, “Do you have $10 to pay for it…” and calls me a roommate without a job. I have since said that I want to go back to work, so I am not in the same situation. He says no because I might not make dinner then and he doesn’t want to have eat convenience food, he doesn’t want the kids in day care, the kid’s grades might suffer etc. Yet he hasn’t dropped his it’s my money attitude. Can’t you see the parallels in my situation and seminolegirls. Can’t you see why I see big red flags that he is a potential abuser/ controller? I actually do know of a few more people who have been involved in abusive marriages, and this one has all of the hallmarks.

Well dear,
My dh had the same attitude once upon a time. I made more than him…yada! yada! Been there and done that too. Yep! He once threw a punch at me…I punched him back. I don’t get mad…I get moving and address problems headon. Nonsense that women are always abused…sometimes yes. But way too many women tend to think they are victims and want to cow down. I do not and never have rolled over and played dead. Neither has my dh. He had to grow up and so did I. Enablement is as much of a problem of divorce as anything going.

What is it with women now days, that they just cannot get off the "I am powerless and he is picking on me kick? Stand up and talk about it with HIM. Get outside help if needed. Good Grief!

Now days the least little thing is grounds for pouting and divorce. Vern is not saying it is easy and neither am I…but so far, all the complaints have been just that. Complaints and whining. Way too many it seems are loath to take the bull by the horns and do something constructive about their bad marriage. Over and over…it’s the other spouses fault is the mantra. That is exactly why so many marriages faulter and end up in divorce.

Grown ups get married…children pout and play games.

 

[kev7]

I’ve read through a lot of posts here and I think that most of them are just not very helpful to this woman and her marriage.

Most are based on selfish views that are filled with modern confrontational attitudes of men and women.

What is even more despicable is the lack of Christian direction you have all provided this woman. When someone comes to you for help don’t give him or her a stone! I can’t believe it! There isn’t even one quote from the Gospel here. You have all turned this thread into a modern secular debate with no regard for the teachings of Christ. I am worried for some of you because you don’t seem to have Christ in your heart. If you did, you would not talk the way that you do.

Can we all please stop posting about our own situations (like it is some kind of AA meeting) and start to preach the Gospel from our hearts?

This woman’s situation has nothing to do with gender issues. Why have some of you made it into one? The answer to this womans problems is in her heart. The solution is the word of Christ and Gods unconditional love. None of your situations will help her. None of your wisdom (the worlds wisdom ) is of any use! Only the salvation of Christ is her answer. Marriage is about faith and unconditional love is it not? With that thought lets just focus on those two things.

Unconditional Love:

Corinthians 13:1-13
“…
4
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. …”

Now, how can we apply this to her situation?

The first step is for this woman to be patient with her husband. Before anything will get better in this marriage she needs to accept him in her heart regardless of how many times he sins. This is the man that God has provided for her. His sins should not stop her from loving him. God did not stop loving us for what we did to his only son did he? No he did not, in fact just before the moment that Christ did he asked his father to forgive us.

How many times should this woman forgive her husband for having porn and pleasuring himself to it? We only have to reflect on what Jesus said in this regard to answer that question.

Jesus told peter that we must forgive "70 times seven”. The point is that Jesus answers Peter by telling him not to assume that you can count how many times you offer forgiveness and then be done with it. Forgiveness must become a practice – a commitment – that is to be sustained and renewed each day throughout our lives. It is not a single action, feeling or thought. Forgiveness is a MAJOR part of marriage. Your marriage is commitment that is renewed each day. It does not hold a list of rights and wrongs. It is not a contract that can be broken - it is a covenant!

I would encourage this woman to love her husband. Pray for him. Pray that God will show her how to have an understanding heart.

Faith:

I would also encourage her to read Matt 14: 22 – 32

We can be so distracted by the storms of life and seeming insurmountable problems that we don’t see the Lord. But when Peter trusted in the Lord he could do the impossible and even the threatening water carried him. But, when he was almost there he looked away from the Lord to the waves and the impossibilities around him. When he did that he began to sink.

But what did he do when he noticed this was happening? He said, “Lord, save me”. He realized that the storm was making him doubt the lord and before he sank he cried out for help. He did not let himself be taken by the storm of doubt.

Only when he planted his feet on the word and fixed his eyes on Jesus did he pull out of the storm.

Perhaps you’re on a downhill slide and you keep quiet about your predicament, even though Jesus is close by to save and rescue you.

Are you living in doubt about your marriage? These are signs that you must wake up and call upon Him.

When you feel the storm coming and the winds blowing you have to make sure you have your eyes on Jesus and your feet on the Word! If doubt has crept into your life you need to look to the Lord for restoration. There are many storms in life and there are many storms in marriage. Sometimes they could happen at the start of your voyage, sometimes in the middle, and sometimes at the end. Regardless, you can bet that the storms will come. You can count on the wind blowing hard and knocking you down. You can bet that sin will cast doubt in your heart. BUT! When you keep your eyes on Jesus and you plant for your feet on the Word you will come out of the storm and Christ will pull you up into his boat. Don’t let yourself sink, call out to Jesus and say, “Lord, save me!”

 

[Marie]

kev7:

I’ve read through a lot of posts here and I think that most of them are just not very helpful to this woman and her marriage.

Most are based on selfish views that are filled with modern confrontational attitudes of men and women.

Nice post Kev…but the situation calls for a bit more than quoteing scripture. More than a few have given good and proper advice…Get help. Speak to your priest.

Fact is, Scripture isn’t going to help without direction and a christian understanding of what marriage is and is not. Direction of the professional kind is in order. More than a few have pointed that out over and over.

 

[kev7]

Marie:

Nice post Kev…but the situation calls for a bit more than quoteing scripture. More than a few have given good and proper advice…Get help. Speak to your priest.

Fact is, Scripture isn’t going to help without direction and a christian understanding of what marriage is and is not. Direction of the professional kind is in order. More than a few have pointed that out over and over.

You don’t tell someone to get lost and speak to someone else unless christ isn’t in your heart to begin with.

Is the word not simple? Does it not come forth from your heart? Does christ not work through people? Does he not work through you?

You are right this situation calls for more then just quoting from scripture… It calls for an understanding heart. It calls for this woman (and many others here) to let christ into their hearts.
It calls for people to understand the love of christ and it calls for them to have faith.

If all you read was a page from scripture then I’m sorry… I guess I didn’t do a good job.

Why is is to hard to encurage her to love and encurage her to have faith?

I can honestly say that the concept of marriage and love is very simple. You don’t need an expert to explain it to you. It comes from your heart and not your mind!

The more of an explaination you need the less you have opened your heart to the word of God. God does not care for what we know he cares for how we love.

 

[Marie]

kev7:

You don’t tell someone to get lost and speak to someone else unless christ isn’t in your heart to begin with.

Is the word not simple? Does it not come forth from your heart? Does christ not work through people? Does he not work through you?

You are right this situation calls for more then just quoting from scripture… It calls for an understanding heart. It calls for this woman (and many others here) to let christ into their hearts.
It calls for people to understand the love of christ and it calls for them to have faith.

If all you read was a page from scripture then I’m sorry… I guess I didn’t do a good job.

Why is is to hard to encurage her to love and encurage her to have faith?

I can honestly say that the concept of marriage and love is very simple. You don’t need an expert to explain it to you. It comes from your heart and not your mind!

The more of an explaination you need the less you have opened your heart to the word of God. God does not care for what we know he cares for how we love.

Very true Kev…But experience and scripture go hand and hand if there is to be an understanding of Love. Love is sacrifice. Love is not selfish…Love is painful…Love is forgiving even as Christ forgives us.

You done good.

 

[kev7]

Marie:

Very true Kev…But experience and scripture go hand and hand if there is to be an understanding of Love. Love is sacrifice. Love is not selfish…Love is painful…Love is forgiving even as Christ forgives us.

You done good.

All I’m saying is that it would be nice to read posts where people are encuraging her to love and telling her not to focus on the storms that turn us all away from Christ. When we worry about the storms we doubt Jesus and we start to sink.

My first impression when I read her post was that she was going through one of these storms. She couldn’t figure out why it was happening at the start of her marriage. The thought that crossed my mind was that it might be a blessing for her to learn how to deal with the storms and have faith early on.

Perhaps she will need her faith in Christ… Perhaps Christ wants her to learn about faith and unconditional love before she is encounters the future blessing of her marriage.

Those were my thoughts and I was discuraged by the posts here. Everyone here just seemed very distracted by the storms in her life and then soon became distracted with their own.

 

[Katie1723]

Marie:

Well dear,
My dh had the same attitude once upon a time. I made more than him…yada! yada! Been there and done that too. Yep! He once threw a punch at me…I punched him back. I don’t get mad…
…What is it with women now days, that they just cannot get off the "I am powerless and he is picking on me kick? Stand up and talk about it with HIM. Get outside help if needed. Good Grief!

…Grown ups get married…children pout and play games.

Leaving a marriage may not always be the answer, but then neither is “punching” And no one, neither woman nor man should stay in a relationship where physical abuse is the norm…I don’t care if they are Catholic.
~ Kathy ~

 

[Marie]

Katie1723:

Leaving a marriage may not always be the answer, but then neither is “punching” And no one, neither woman nor man should stay in a relationship where physical abuse is the norm…I don’t care if they are Catholic.
~ Kathy ~

It is not the norm…It was a point of humor. True story…accident in a heated argument. Sheese! Lighten up. The point is…this couples marriage is in trouble. Only the couple can know how bad or how deep. They need expert advice…not internet theories.

 

[Annunciata]

It is not the norm…It was a point of humor. True story…accident in a heated argument. Sheese! Lighten up. The point is…this couples marriage is in trouble. Only the couple can know how bad or how deep. They need expert advice…not internet theories.

Now that’s the best advice I’ve heard so far.

 

[vern_humphrey]

kev7:

All I’m saying is that it would be nice to read posts where people are encuraging her to love and telling her not to focus on the storms that turn us all away from Christ. When we worry about the storms we doubt Jesus and we start to sink.
.

Try saying, “Love and prayer is the answer” and see what happens to you.

 

[kev7]

vern humphrey:

Try saying, “Love and prayer is the answer” and see what happens to you.

PRAYER IS THE ANSWER!

What people don’t understand is that when you ask Christ for understanding and to enter your heart. HE WILL! You just need to listen.

For some reason I just don’t see christ providing a theory to help this womans marriage. What I see him doing is saying or doing something that would spark both of their hearts with the holy spirt.

We should not provide theories or talk about the foolish wisdom of this world. We should only speak from our hearts. The mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

If all that comes out of your mouth is a theory then that is all that your heart is full of. If all you can do is tell someone to go and speak to an expert then you don’t feel comfortable with your own heart and you are just ignoring it

As christians we don’t give advice! We open our hearts and help others to do the same.

 

[vern_humphrey]

kev7:

PRAYER IS THE ANSWER!

What people don’t understand is that when you ask Christ for understanding and to enter your heart. HE WILL! You just need to listen.

For some reason I just don’t see christ providing a theory to help this womans marriage. What I see him doing is saying or doing something that would spark both of their hearts with the holy spirt.

We should not provide theories or talk about the foolish wisdom of this world. We should only speak from our hearts. The mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

If all that comes out of your mouth is a theory then that is all that your heart is full of. If all you can do is tell someone to go and speak to an expert then you don’t feel comfortable with your own heart and you are just ignoring it

As christians we don’t give advice! We open our hearts and help others to do the same.

That’s why I say love and prayer is the answer.

 

[kev7]

vern humphrey:

That’s why I say love and prayer is the answer.

and I second that!

 

[Mom_of_one]

SG, I’m sorry that you’ve had some posters bickering about your marriage. I want to just say a few things to you to give you some encouragement. First, I’m glad you felt safe to come here and ask for some advice. Thank you for putting some trust in us. Second, I will reiterate what I said in my first post on this thread. Alot of the posters have excellent points coming from their own life experiences, but none of us are there. We can’t tell you what to do; offer advice, yes, but tell you what to do and you’d better do it or else your life will be horrid, nope, can’t do that. I came here for the first time for advice on how to deal with an abusive man and I received some wonderful help. I thank God for that. But only I could put into practice what I believed God was telling me to do. I believe that God lead you here for help and advice, but only you, with God’s help, can put into practice what He is telling you to do. If He hasn’t let you know yet, don’t worry, He will. He may tell you to get up and leave or He may say stay. I don’t know. But know this. God loves you very much and whatever He tells you to do with be for the best for both you and your husband.

 

[Anna_Elizabeth]

Della:

SeminoleGirl22, get your stuff together, empty out your bank account and leave “his” house. He doesn’t love you–he wants to control you. Get a good lawyer and apply for an annulment tomorrow. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with a man who has no love and no respect for you. He deceived you and badly. You are not obliged to stay with him and, God help you, you don’t want to have his children only to see any son of yours turn out like this jerk with your daughters thinking they only exist to please the baser instincts of men.

Do you hear this, Seminole Girl?

Above everything else, do not have a child with this man. You are being given a second chance; take it.

Realize this: You are not married. :tsktsk:

Anna

 

[kev7]

Della:

You can dismiss what I think this woman ought to do, but not by what I’ve related about my sister. I can’t and wouldn’t explain the whole situation, but neither marriage was a real marriage right from the get-go, just like Seminole’s really isn’t. When a man deceives a woman by demonstrating that he never had any intention of keeping his vows, no marriage exists. Period.

A marriage is NOT a secular contract. For a catholic you make an oath to God to love the other person unconditionally.

Your words are hurtfull and they are not the teaching of the church.

 

[cynic]

Typical that it degenerates into man thinly veiled man hating. Women have ‘feelings’, and apparently are men tempted by porn, potential perverts. Bleh. While it’s easy to understand this womans revulsion, this man is not neccessarily a piece of ****, or hopelessly addicted to this stuff, or has regularly looked at it in the past. Which is the impression you get from reading some of the posts from women here, projecting their own disgust at their own experiences with men onto the situation.

It’s likely that his reaction is out of shame, understandable, is it not,that he would be ashamed? - his wife, who will know him better than anyone else in the world, knows that he has looked at pornography. The association is made, no matter what he does in the future, it’s pretty hard to live that down. No wonder when confronted with it he doesn’t go

“yes honey, I have a problem, with your help and guidance, along with regular reminders of my perverted state, I will endeaver to change”

Give it a break, we’re supposed to know everything about women, but this proves that some women don’t know anything about men.

 

[felra]

My dh had the same attitude once upon a time. I made more than him…yada! yada! Been there and done that too. Yep! He once threw a punch at me…I punched him back. I don’t get mad…I get moving and address problems headon. Nonsense that women are always abused…sometimes yes. But way too many women tend to think they are victims and want to cow down. I do not and never have rolled over and played dead. Neither has my dh. He had to grow up and so did I. Enablement is as much of a problem of divorce as anything going.

I am glad that this approach works for you–head on. However, not every woman has this temperment, or an iron sharpens iron martial relationship. But yes, too many folks throw the towel in and forget the “until death do us part” portion of their sacred marital vows.

What is it with women now days, that they just cannot get off the "I am powerless and he is picking on me kick? Stand up and talk about it with HIM. Get outside help if needed. Good Grief!

Yes. This is active love for the sake of saving and thriving the marriage. None of this “all you need is love” to the exclusion of dynamic encounter, come what may, i.e., purposeful confrontation, puting the demand on for change, putting and keeping the heat on for absolutely eliminating from the marriage exposed behaviors that are totally incongruent, destructive to growing up and and in union in Christ.

Now days the least little thing is grounds for pouting and divorce. Vern is not saying it is easy and neither am I…but so far, all the complaints have been just that. Complaints and whining. Way too many it seems are loath to take the bull by the horns and do something constructive about their bad marriage. Over and over…it’s the other spouses fault is the mantra. That is exactly why so many marriages faulter and end up in divorce.

Some of the posters on this thread seem to be naive or want to pussy foot around the elephant in the room of this OP’s husband’s outright refusal to give up his porn and self-abuse behavior. I wonder how many posters received this dowry in the exchange of their vows.

Grown ups get married…children pout and play games.

Fortunately, you were blessed with a husband who wanted to grow up. What coping advice do you have for a person in this situation if in 5/10/20 years, hubby continues to behave as a self-indulging, egotistical, living single but married, sense of entitlement adoloescent? How much of this their cross to take up if they lack the consitutional or long-term fortitude to bring redemptive suffering out of the neglect/abuse/incapability at the hands of their spouse?

 

[kev7]

Anna Elizabeth:

Do you hear this, Seminole Girl?

Above everything else, do not have a child with this man. You are being given a second chance; take it.

Realize this: You are not married. :tsktsk:

Anna

I can’t belive that a catholic, someone who has Christ in their heart would say such a thing.

Don’t listen to these people Seminole Girl. They are caught up in the storm and are not focused on Jesus. They are focus on on the modern concepts of the secular world. We can only pray for them.

Stick with it and show your love for your husband and love as Christ would. Give up all judgmental arguments and focus on love. Show your love for your husband with action and not words. Even if he is in a state of sin, love him. Support him. No one is perfect in the eyes of God and likewise your husband can’t be perfect either. I’m sure there are things about him that you are thankfull for. I’m sure that there are many good things about him. He sounds like a strong man who is working hard to be a provider. Show your appreciation for him. Don’t fight for power in your relationship you won’t EVER get it. Your marriage is not a power struggle. It is about love. It sounds like he is stick of your judgmental words and is just ignoring you .

Trust what I am saying. Just try to show your love for him. Encurage him as a provider and try not to lower his ego with Judgmental words. Don’t be afraid to give him an ego boost. That is your role as a wife.

It will be hard for you at first but don’t give up and have faith. If you need to feel love then don’t be afraid to go up to him and put your arms around him. There is nothing that needs to be said.

Love will bring love and anger will bring anger. The choice is yours.

 

[felra]

kev7:

I’ve read through a lot of posts here and I think that most of them are just not very helpful to this woman and her marriage.

Most are based on selfish views that are filled with modern confrontational attitudes of men and women.

What is even more despicable is the lack of Christian direction you have all provided this woman. When someone comes to you for help don’t give him or her a stone! I can’t believe it! There isn’t even one quote from the Gospel here. You have all turned this thread into a modern secular debate with no regard for the teachings of Christ. I am worried for some of you because you don’t seem to have Christ in your heart. If you did, you would not talk the way that you do.

The solution is the word of Christ and Gods unconditional love. None of your situations will help her. … Marriage is about faith and unconditional love is it not? With that thought lets just focus on those two things.

Unconditional Love:

Corinthians 13:1-13

Now, how can we apply this to her situation?

The first step is for this woman to be patient with her husband. … His sins should not stop her from loving him. God did not stop loving us for what we did to his only son did he? No he did not, in fact just before the moment that Christ did he asked his father to forgive us.

Jesus told peter that we must forgive "70 times seven”. …Your marriage is commitment that is renewed each day. It does not hold a list of rights and wrongs. It is not a contract that can be broken - it is a covenant!

Faith:

I would also encourage her to read Matt 14: 22 – 32

When you feel the storm coming and the winds blowing you have to make sure you have your eyes on Jesus and your feet on the Word! Don’t let yourself sink, call out to Jesus and say, “Lord, save me!”

This is all good. But, why not include for the OP some of the Gospel verses where Jesus cast out demons that were oppressing and afflicting people who had becomes slaves to their passions and sin and disordered living? The enemy of marriages is the devil; he seeks to destroy what God has joined (even though the OP presented enough information to question the capability of this husband to enter into a covenantal marriage). There is a pointed spiritual battle going on this marriage, as evidenced by this husband’s reaction to his exposure of his works of darkness. St. paul believed in uncoditional love and pray at all times, but also a place for spiritual armament and warfare.

Ephesians 5: 1, 10-13, “Take no part in the fruitless works of darkness, rather expose them, for it is shameful even to mention the things done ny them in secret, … Finally, draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power. put on the armour of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil. For our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with powers, with the woorld rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens. Therefore put on the armour of God, …”