Terrible First 3 months of Marriage

[Darrel]

I think perhaps a good idea would be to talk to him about saving the marriage. I seriously doubt he is holding onto this porn because he just can and will. If he has some hang-up over it then the truth needs to be revealed. Most men myself included have battled with sexual temptations of one sort or another. Welcome to the year 2005 it’s a sad world full of sick things. The one thing you have is the covenant/vocation. If you can make it through this by his grace you can both come out better Christians. I would not advise locking the guy out of the house. Get down to the real goal of saving the marriage and the real truth behind this porn issue. Maybe he wants to dump it but cant and is afraid to tell you. Only you can find out what his real problem is and that takes communication and compromise.

-D

 

[Marie]

felra:

What coping advice do you have for a person in this situation if in 5/10/20 years, hubby continues to behave as a self-indulging, egotistical, living single but married, sense of entitlement adoloescent? How much of this their cross to take up if they lack the consitutional or long-term fortitude to bring redemptive suffering out of the neglect/abuse/incapability at the hands of their spouse?

The same advice we have given over and over…The couple needs help…they need someone who KNOWS them…and not one side of the story.

You seem to take her version at face value…yet the hubby is voiceless in this spat. There is no way that people on a internet thread can really judge the situation. They are YOUNG…They are still adjusting and we have no clue to the whole story. This automatic assumtion that he is abusive, that he is mean and selfish (which we have no way of knowing is true) has blown into a full force gail of hang him…lynch mob style thesis.

Meantime…everyone who has a troubled marriage of their own wants to assume this one is doomed. That is absolutly not helping this couple.

 

[felra]

felra:

This is all good. But, why not include for the OP some of the Gospel verses where Jesus cast out demons that were oppressing and afflicting people who had becomes slaves to their passions and sin and disordered living? The enemy of marriages is the devil; he seeks to destroy what God has joined (even though the OP presented enough information to question the capability of this husband to enter into a covenantal marriage). There is a pointed spiritual battle going on this marriage, as evidenced by this husband’s reaction to his exposure of his works of darkness. St. Paul believed in unconditional love and pray at all times, but also a place for spiritual armament and warfare.

Ephesians 5: 1, 10-13, “Take no part in the fruitless works of darkness, rather expose them, for it is shameful even to mention the things done ny them in secret, … Finally, draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power. put on the armour of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil. For our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with powers, with the woorld rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens. Therefore put on the armour of God, …”

 

[Marie]

Darrel:

I think perhaps a good idea would be to talk to him about saving the marriage. I seriously doubt he is holding onto this porn because he just can and will. If he has some hang-up over it then the truth needs to be revealed. Most men myself included have battled with sexual temptations of one sort or another. Welcome to the year 2005 it’s a sad world full of sick things. The one thing you have is the covenant/vocation. If you can make it through this by his grace you can both come out better Christians. I would not advise locking the guy out of the house. Get down to the real goal of saving the marriage and the real truth behind this porn issue. Maybe he wants to dump it but cant and is afraid to tell you. Only you can find out what his real problem is and that takes communication and compromise.

Good advice Darrel.

 

[kev7]

felra:

This is all good. But, why not include for the OP some of the Gospel verses where Jesus cast out demons that were oppressing and afflicting people who had becomes slaves to their passions and sin and disordered living? The enemy of marriages is the devil; he seeks to destroy what God has joined (even though the OP presented enough information to question the capability of this husband to enter into a covenantal marriage). There is a pointed spiritual battle going on this marriage, as evidenced by this husband’s reaction to his exposure of his works of darkness. St. paul believed in uncoditional love and pray at all times, but also a place for spiritual armament and warfare.

How did Jesus cast out these Demons? How did the Apostles cast out demons? Do you think that they did this by using words of anger and Judgment? Or do you think that it was through faith and love? Their hearts HAD to be focused on Jesus and their feet planted on the word! A marriage is NEVER a battlefield. The fight is NEVER with the heart of your neighbour it is with your own heart. You must first have christ in your heart before Christ can help those you love. Christ works through us and he can only do that if we have faith.

Ephesians 5: 1, 10-13, “Take no part in the fruitless works of darkness, rather expose them, for it is shameful even to mention the things done ny them in secret, … Finally, draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power. put on the armour of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil. For our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with powers, with the woorld rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens. Therefore put on the armour of God, …”

What is the armour of God? Is it not faith and love? Would jesus tell you to take no part in your husband or would he tell you to love him even if he sins? You can’t defeat the darkness if your heart does not shine with the light of the Lord. Every time a person gets angry at someone or becomes resentfull and does not forgive, their armor becomes weak and usless to Christ.

Just don’t ever think for one moment that your are perfect in the eyes of God. Don’t ever think that Satan doesn’t find ways to work through you!

 

[Marie]

The OP should check in with THIS thread. It has valuable contacts for just such a problem. They can help a lot better than we can. I am sure they have more tools to help her than we do.

 

[kev7]

I think I have found a passage that best sums up the problems with this thread and helps this woman out at the same time.

2 TIMOTHY 2 :23

“But Keep away from foolish and ignorant arguments: you know that they end up in quarrels.
The lords servant must not quarrel. He must be kind towards all, a good and patient teacher, who is gentle as he corrects his opponents, for it may be that God will give them the opportunity to repent and come to know the truth. And then they will come to their senses and escape the trap of the devil, who caught them and made him obey his will.”

The message here is for her to be patient and be a gentile teacher. Have faith and pray that God will give him the opportunity to repent and come to know the truth.

There is no need to worry

 

[felra]

Marie:

The same advice we have given over and over…The couple needs help…they need someone who KNOWS them…and not one side of the story.

You seem to take her version at face value…yet the hubby is voiceless in this spat. There is no way that people on a internet thread can really judge the situation. They are YOUNG…They are still adjusting and we have no clue to the whole story. This automatic assumtion that he is abusive, that he is mean and selfish (which we have no way of knowing is true) has blown into a full force gail of hang him…lynch mob style thesis.

Meantime…everyone who has a troubled marriage of their own wants to assume this one is doomed. That is absolutly not helping this couple.

No quarrel with this. I severly disagree with those posters who propose that faith and love will solve all over time–which is true, but, why drag out the issue. I personally would prescribe your “take the bull by the horns” approach, especially when dealing with a darkness (covert vice) in the marriage relationship.

 

[felra]

How did Jesus cast out these Demons? How did the Apostles cast out demons? Do you think that they did this by using words of anger and Judgment? Or do you think that it was through faith and love?

Of course through faith and love, as operationalized through prayer and fasting, through taking spiritual authority over those darkened spirits who seek to sow destruction.

Their hearts HAD to be focused on Jesus and their feet planted on the word! A marriage is NEVER a battlefield. The fight is NEVER with the heart of your neighbour it is with your own heart.

You seem to be confusing spiritual warfare with doing war on your spouse. Look at the statistics for divorce if your do not believe that the devil is waging warfare upon Catholic marriages. As St. Paul instructs believers “For our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with powers, with the woorld rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens. Therefore put on the armour of God, …”.

You must first have christ in your heart before Christ can help those you love. Christ works through us and he can only do that if we have faith.

Agree. But, why do you equate immaturity in behavior as a sign that this OP does not have Christ in her heart? Thank goodness that He does not wait until we are mature enough to honor our prayers and work through our actions. Pretty high bar that you set for us poor sinners.

What is the armour of God? Is it not faith and love? Would jesus tell you to take no part in your husband or would he tell you to love him even if he sins? You can’t defeat the darkness if your heart does not shine with the light of the Lord. Every time a person gets angry at someone or becomes resentfull and does not forgive, their armor becomes weak and usless to Christ.

The armour is the weapons for spiritual warfare–the sword, breastplate, helmet, shooes, shield, … Faith and love are requisite for effectiveness. Again, I do not think that God is that fickle in working with those immature or inexperienced in the ways of battling spiritual warfare. Give this OP a break. She had no prior knowledge, indicators where she recognized that DH was into the porn and into himself. I would see her outrage and total disappointemnt as a normal and good sign–would you not agree? We are talking about her hopes, dreams and desires coming to a halting roadblock with the revelation (through God’s grace) of the darkness at operation in the confines of her marriage. Not a hard concept to recognize that DH’s self centeredness (and vice) gives the devil plenty of in road to sow discord in this new marriage.

Just don’t ever think for one moment that your are perfect in the eyes of God. Don’t ever think that Satan doesn’t find ways to work through you!

My point exactly, which is why God does not wait until the identified offended party “get it together” emotionally before He honors and works through less than perfect vessels and extends His needed graces.

 

[felra]

felra:

No quarrel with this. I severly disagree with those posters who propose that faith and love (in absence of decisive action) will solve all over time–which is true, but, why drag out the issue. I personally would prescribe your “take the bull by the horns” approach, especially when dealing with a darkness (covert vice) in the marriage relationship.

 

[wcknight]

Just unbelievable and might I say typical. Some lady has a sister who has cut and run from 2 prior marriage and her adice is to pack up and leave tomorrow !!

Sure, run away tomorroaw and you will end up exactly like Della’s sister, a two or three time loser. Always running away at the first time you get confronted with serious problems.

This couple has some arguments, her husband is into internet porn and he abuses himself… for 3 whole monhs this has been a problem. He’s not have an affair, he didn’t get an abortion and he didn’t beat her. This is not a case of capital murder or adultery or even physical abuse.

For crying out load the fellow got locked out of his own house and busted down a down. Quite frankly I don’t blame him. My wife did that to me and guess what ??? I did the exact same thing (that was 30 years ago).

Wives see this stuff on TV or the movies and think it’s a great tactic to get back at husbands, believe me, it is the most frustrating and aggrivating thing to have happen to you.

IF you want to make a spouse absolutely homocidal, just keep using this tact and you will get yourself killed literally. I am a laid back, totally non violent person, but when I was in this situation I got more steamed than I ever got in my life. IF you want to get your spouse to hate you, this is the path to take. Ladies, a bit of advice, don’t lock your husband out. It an absolutely godawful thing to do !!!

Getting an annullment after 3 months is really terrible advice. I’m not excusing the husbands behavior but annulment and divorce at this point is just insane. DOWN the road, IF the husband absoluletly does not want to work to help save the marriage then, I might look at those options. Let the fellow know this is important, that he needs to show some concern and movement towards working on his problem.

But to cut and run at this juncture, dooms this marriage and probably any future marriage that runs into the first sign of trouble. This is only the first of many rough times. Every marriage has a bunch of them.

To anyone here who ever hopes to have their marriage last beyond even a few months you have to have determination AND committment to make a marriage work. It takes a lot of work on both sides. There are a LOT of ups and downs.

It takes a lot of love and understanding to weather the storms, and it takes TIME to develop the mutual love and understanding. You can’t get there in a day or a week or a month or a year. It takes YEARS to build a rock solid marriage.

IF you think you can just toss two folks together and make it work after 3 months, you are kidding yourself.

Jesus tells us that the only legitmate cause for divorce is adultery. I might add physical abuse or life threatening abuse. Neither of these situations has happened. Some will argue the former but they are wrong. It MAY lead to it eventually or it may NOT. And lusting after other women is NOT adultery, there is a huge difference.

And even with those problems, with the grace of God, some marriages even survive those obstacles.

 

[wcknight]

BTW, no one is saying to ignore the problem and it will magically go away. What we are saying, is WORK on the problem, and be patient, loving, and understanding that it may not go way as fast as some would expect.

There needs to be a lot more communication going on here, and it is not happening because the attitude on both sides is not allowing it to happen. Running away cuts off all communications, and make it nearly impossible to discuss the issues.

IF it gets to the point that one side or the other refuses to move or work on the problems, separation may be an option, BUT I would use that only as a last resort. I don’t take my marrigae so calvalierly that I would threaten to leave when things get rough. Such a ploy could very well end things permanently, and that a very grave risk to take.

 

[kev7]

Agree. But, why do you equate immaturity in behavior as a sign that this OP does not have Christ in her heart? Thank goodness that He does not wait until we are mature enough to honor our prayers and work through our actions. Pretty high bar that you set for us poor sinners.

If you read my other post where I quoted 2 Timothy 2 you will understand why I think she must look at her own heart and change her behavour. She has a right to speak out about her husbands actions,but at the same time she should be a gentle teacher and help her husband. She needs to stop fighting with him and making him feel like trash all the time. That is not the behaviour of a loving wife.

 

[kage_ar]

In the OP’s messages, I still wonder if the husband in question is a practicing Catholic. If he is not, is he even a Christian? There are some “christian” groups who will advise married couples to use adult materials

My advice, get on the same Spiritual song sheet with your husband, sit down with a good Priest and go from there.

 

[Pug]

Seminole Girl,

This thread has really stretched on. I am wondering, how are you? What’s up with things now?

Many people are praying for you, and I hope you are well. I had a rocky start to my marriage (repeated threats of divorce within two or three weeks, refusal to consumate, and that’s just for appetizers). I’m still married, though. I can’t tell you I have a great one, though. However, one of my friends told me the other day how lucky I am. Maybe I am. Certainly I have ended up closer to God. We’re both a lot less dumb than when we started.

Anyway, I tell you that so you know you are not alone. Best Wishes.

 

[Al_Masetti]

wcknight #170 — best posting on this thread. Excellent.

 

[Marie]

Now where has our OP gone…

Little lady…get your act together. No matter what you accept from this thread…God loves you. And though I know you are upsret and hurt…He loves that guy you married too.

 

[rayne89]

Al Masetti:

wcknight #170 — best posting on this thread. Excellent.

Really?

wcknight:

IF you want to make a spouse absolutely homocidal, just keep using this tact and you will get yourself killed literally.

So if the guy kills his wife for repeated locking him out of the house she made him do it.

 

[kev7]

rayne89:

Really?

So if the guy kills his wife for repeated locking him out of the house she made him do it.

You didn’t get the point that he made at all.

 

[rayne89]

cynic:

Typical that it degenerates into man thinly veiled man hating .

May I go on record as stating I do not hate men. I think men are wonderful people. As a whole I think generally they work hard for their families, they are protectors and heros.

I think the culture these days that boys grow up in says porn is ok, and with in internet it starts younger and younger. The OP sounded deeply hurt and very emotionally upset by her husband’s deception. There are some women here who can relate to that.

It is apparent that some men can relate to the OP’s husband and because of that are showing a great deal of sympathy for him.

I have difficulty with the reaction by the husband because he completely ignored his wife’s deeply hurt feelings. We all fall, not one of sinless and porn is so easy to access the tempation must be very difficult for many. This goes beyong even the porn to type of reaction the OP got when she “asked him to get rid of it, but he refused saying he did what he wanted before i lived there, and he’ll do what he wants now too.” Is this a defensible response? According to the OP “he just does as he pleases with no regard for me.”

I already agreed that locking him out was not a productive response. But so many are brushing aside this woman’s valid emotions as if their trivial and that it should somehow easy for her to put them aside and be more “rational”. Rational like becoming violent and kicking down the door?

I fear too that we have scared the OP away, and I’m sorry for that.