P
Patavium
Guest
Beautiful testimony!. Thanks for sharing. Yes indeed. Many people without noticing are in pursue of powers to be like God himself. They don’t want to serve God, but want to be a God others serve. They want to be able to control their destinies in a supernatural way. They seek to rise above their peers instead of focusing on making sure they are serving God.I was in New Age. I’m still recovering. I remember trying to become “One with God”, and it would be exhilarating for a few moments, then I’d suddenly become terrified. Like I was being eaten alive, that I had stopped existing. Sure enough I had dissolved into “It”, and it felt good - but also very dangerous, like I’d been tricked into doing this.
I believed in reincarnation - which is silly when you really think about it - and I was determined to never reincarnate again. (Strange, considering I never had before - otherwise I would have remembered it, right? I was so scared I’d come back to this world. I didn’t want to forget everything and come back. I remember reading Autobiography of a Yogi and Conversations with God which described how even great masters are reincarnated - Yogananda claimed to be a yogi in a previous life - and that the cycle never really ends. Walsch wrote that we’re all placed back on the treadmill eventually. I felt I was going through all this development and spiritual growth for nothing, because eventually I’d just return back to the start. Basically the doctrine was that we would reach the pinnacle of spiritual development where we would effectively cease to exist as individuals, would be nothing but “consciousness”, spend some time there, and then be recycled back to the beginning. I hated that.
I begged Vishnu, my personal god, to not let that happen to me. I asked him to accept me as I was, even though my karma hadn’t worked itself out yet, and to not force me become the same substance as him. My ego both had to be inflated (I was one with God, and thus essentially perfect and unstained) and destroyed (I had to cease all identification with my temporal self). I asked not to have to go through that. I didn’t have the confidence to insist that I was totally self-dependent on my search for Godhood. I asked Vishnu to let me into Vaikuntha and not send me back out again while he got to stay there and keep his spiritual gains. (The other opinion was that even he eventually died, and I didn’t want to think of God as mortal, since it meant he was imperfect and I didn’t want to trust such a deity.)
Still I had the confidence to insist that I was one with God, even though I wasn’t always comfortable with it. My mystical world-weariness was proof enough of that. I let my ego grow into God. I didn’t have to be what other people considered a “good” person. I had to focus on my spiritual development and not be distracted by others and their needs. What need could be higher than spiritual attainment? And everything I did was justified, even if I was rude or selfish. Yogis in India are allowed to act that way towards their devotees, even demanding sex and money of them. It’s because they’re trying to impart lessons on them (what those lessons are, I don’t know), and because they’re entitled to that sort of behavior due to their exalted status. I thought people should look up to me for seeing “The Big Picture”. I actively looked forward to the time I would get ahold of some DMT or ketamine or LSD, so I could expand my spiritual consciousness. (Looking back, isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard? Taking a pill and thinking that it makes you closer to spiritual reality? It’s a freaking pill! Like Tylenol! The sights you see and sounds you hear - those are all just side effects and HALLUCINATIONS, not anything real! Just like most dreams! It changes how your brain chemicals work. That’s all!)
Long story short, God eventually shamed me. He showed me that I was not Him, but His creation. There was no way I could mistake manipulating my thoughts and brain into feelings of Godhood anymore. I didn’t realize it but I had been begging for a Savior, and He came to me. Now I feel blessed that I did not have the pride to assume I did not need grace or help. If I had it probably would have blinded me, and I would have gone on meditating and ascending, burning karma with prostrations and withdrawing, presenting gifts to gurus who dismissed them, and giving others unwanted advice about how they should be more like me - holy and perfect. There was always that seed of desperation inside me, underneath all the layers of ego and self (non-self?). I am now grateful God sent me here to where I am now, rather than letting me continue on my course. He really did answer my prayers.
I truly believe I was under the influence of something evil that still tracks into my thoughts from time to time. I was cooperating with it in the hopes of glorifying myself (I eventually hoped people would pray to me as a master), and so it’s going to take a while before I can totally extricate myself from it. I still get temptations but nothing compares to the Holy Spirit.