The first years of marriage

[Railroader86]

Hello, to start off I am new to the forums. I am a Navy Veteran whom was honorably discharged after eight years of service in 2013. Since then Ive gotten a good job, got a house, two dogs and a car to get me places. November of 2014 I met my wife and have since then married (April 2016) We did live together during that time.
It seemed at first that we had a good life ahead of us until our DD arrived.

At the time I was still working nights but tried to help where I could but the first strains in our relations came when she said I didnt spend enough time with DD but really she woudnt let me learn how to soothe her crying etc.
Now DD is over a year old and I now hold an afternoon shift. Things are getting worse. She thinks DD needs to be in a magical bubble of safety and scorns me when I let her roam around under a supervised eye. Today she blamed me for DD being so constipated (she started regular milk with formula) because I forgot to let her drink water (really i was just sitting down for lunch and saw her sippy cup and realized I didnt give her water which was my bust that time) but she blamed me as if I was behind it the entire time.
I lost my cool and left the table, leaving my meal to spoil as I showered and got ready for work. As I hugged my DD goodbye while trying to hold back that tear of leaving her to slave away at a job that must be worked as Im the sole income of the house. My wife didnt even acknowledge me leaving. This isnt the first time this has happened but when I try to confront her she belittles me and criticises me, saying I wasnt ready for fatherhood (really who is until it finally happens) and that I spend too much time with my dogs (ones my PTSD dog which was suggested by a medic friend of mine when I got out). I was never truely diagnosed with PTSD and I never sought help because there are other service members that have seen a whole lot worse than me and need help more than me.
Sorry for the run on but I dont knoe what to do. I pray that the situation will resolve but when things do get better, they turn for the worst.
My daily routine is 0230-1015 Sleep, 1015-1045 b-fast, cleaning bedroom and cleaning livingroom. 1045-1300 Im either with DD or doing house work outside or working on the yard but most of the time im with DD as whenever I try to explain to my wife I need to do outside work, walk the dogs, work on the car, its met with seething scorn and distaste while she says “Im busy cooking. who will watch DD?”
She even told me to work on the car when I get home at 0010 after working an 8 hour shift in which I was pulling batteries, grids, traction motors etc from a locomotive, leaving me exhausted. These few hours before bed are my only wind down hours, my time to me and its very very little compared to her being a stay home mom. She hates it because I game, watch movies during my me time, i fact she hates I even game to begin with.
Recently she barred me from using my phone when Im with DD when she uses hers constantly. I dont believe in divorice as my parents raised me in the faith and I nearly became a priest myself but I feel so trapped, so worthless. Whenever I try to take the reigns of the household she breaks down into a crying fit and threatens to leave me. Im so tempted to call it quits but my faith is keeping me afloat but for how long, I do not know. Any advice?

 

[Oneofthewomen]

Please talk to your priest, and look into seeing a marriage counselor. If your wife will not join you, go yourself.
A lot is happening in both of your lives in a relatively short period of time, discharge from the military, marriage, a child- that is a lot of change to go through.
Is it possible that there may be some post-partum depression with your wife? She should probably discuss this with her OB/GYN or primary care doctor.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

 

[ClearWater]

I second the suggestion of seeing a marriage counselor. If your wife is unwilling to go with you, consider individual counseling.

 

[petra22]

Please pray about it. Things around here get rough sometimes, I mean really rough but if I pray and ask for help, really… something does help me (God)… I believe it’s God helping me. And that doesn’t mean he makes all things better–just helps me get through a rough situation… I keep him near me always because I can’t handle all the things that come at me sometimes. You sound overwhelmed. I’m praying for you.

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

Our Father
Hail Mary
Glory Be

 

[ShrodingersCat]

You may not have PTSD, but not going because other people need it more is not a good reason. Take care of yourself.

You both sound like you need help in your relationship. There are two sides to every story and please be aware that being a SAHM is a full time job. I think you both need to meet in the middle somewhere. It’s very hard to tell from posts like these, but couple’s councelling would be great because both sides of the story are being presented to a 3rd party.

 

[Xantippe]

1. Being a new parent is hard.
2. Being a parent of a toddler and being home with the toddler all the time is even harder. By the time we put our youngest in parents’ day out one day a week just before she turned two, I was just about to go on a three state killing spree. It sounds like that’s where your wife has arrived.
3. You need to figure out how to create a buffer so that more of a break for her doesn’t mean more work for you, etc. That might mean asking local family or friends for help, a day a week of parents’ day out (that’s what we did), or whatever.
4. Is your wife getting out of the house at least once a day with your toddler?

I would also suggest that she join a mother’s group at church or a meetup, just so she has a reason to leave the house and go to the playground or whatever.

Your wife needs mom friends if she doesn’t have them already.

1. It’s actually natural for moms to be territorial about infants, but your daughter is entering an age group where you will naturally have a bigger and bigger role in her life.
2. Your daughter does need a lot of watching at this age. That’s why your wife needs breaks, because keeping a child this age safe is exhausting.

But, you can help a lot if you put some thought into making sure that enough of your house is babyproofed to the point where you don’t need constant vigilance.

1. About the milk thing–if the kid is eating enough fruit and veggie, that will not happen. So, in your shoes, I’d say something like, “Let’s make sure she eats some fruit at her next meal.” If your wife is unpleasant, you can say, “We can talk about this later.” This is an especially good idea for fights that occur when either of you is tired or hungry or unusually crabby.
2. You left the table without saying a word and then your wife didn’t say goodbye to you.

Do you see how those two things are related? Set a good example to your wife with basic politeness.

1. How about doing something about that PTSD?
2. If you’re actually sleeping 7 hours 45 minutes a day, it’s quite possible that your wife really resents you sleeping that long. I’m a mom of a slightly older child, and I’m doing awesome if I sleep 6.5 hours a night (it’s usually more like 6). If you roll out of bed at 10:15, you’re going to look bad to your wife, especially if she’s been up for 3-5 hours already (which she very likely has). Some of that is unfair because of your late work schedule, but it sounds to me like you could actually get to bed a lot faster than you do.

Try to work to coordinate your sleep schedules better. Do not come home at midnight and then stay up a couple hours later doing your thing. Go to bed as soon as you can after you come home, because both the staying up past 2 of your own accord and the getting up past 10 AM make you look bad to your wife. Also, if she stays up late because of you, she’s going to be crabbier in the morning.

1. Can you actually keep these dogs? If your wife doesn’t absolutely love your dogs, the combination of the dogs and your current work schedule (with you only able to do a fraction of the dog stuff) is probably ticking her off.
2. Plan out your time in advance with your wife so there aren’t any surprises. Also, reconsider whether some of these tasks are suitable for work days or should be saved for the weekend.

My husband and I try to limit household maintenance/yard tasks to Sat. AM–barring emergencies, he does none of that on weekdays. We have hired yard help twice a month, so you probably have more yard work than we do, but generally speaking, my husband is able to deal with our household maintenance/car maintenance/tree trimming/etc in about two hours 2 or 3 Saturdays a month. (When the lawn guys are here, they knock out our yard in less than half an hour every other week.) And we have both a large house, an amazing number of trees in the back yard, one old car, one kind of junky newer car (@#$%^& KIA!), and three children.

I think you should talk to your wife and prioritize the optional tasks and get buy-in for your use of time. I know that I as a wife have historically not reacted well to my husband jumping into some huge optional household project without consulting me first, and I’m getting a similar vibe from your stories about your wife.

1. Try to figure out how to watch your daughter while your wife is cooking, or you cook.

Multi-tasking is supposedly a female gift, but the truth is that it really doesn’t make any more sense to cook while watching a toddler than it does to fix a car while watching a toddler. Plan your tasks in advance so that you are available to help as much as possible when you’re at home and your wife is cooking.

psychologytoday.com/blog/brain-wise/201209/the-true-cost-multi-tasking

1. You’re an adult, and your wife can’t ban you from using your phone with your daughter, but look at what you wrote previously. You were concerned that you didn’t get to spend time with your daughter, and you’re choosing to spend the hour or two a day you get with her on your phone?
2. What do you mean by “take the reins”? You’re already doing things your way. You stay up until the wee hours, you get out of bed at a college student time, you spend the few hours that you are home with your family each day during the week basically as you choose. You are doing your thing–it’s just not working for either you or your family. You are exhausted by your late night “me time” and your wife is angry.

Get more rest, plan your household tasks more strategically with your wife, and put some more thought into spending enjoyable time with your wife and daughter and getting your wife some breaks that don’t involve you.

If you want to be a leader, strategize and lead.

Some of this may sound harsh, but the more I looked at your schedule, the less I liked it.

 

[Beryllos]

I think Xantippe has some good insights and suggestions there. I’m sorry I don’t have much advice.

I can relate to the gaming thing. When my wife is doing housework and catches sight of me playing a game, or even hanging out here on Catholic Answers, it doesn’t go over very well.

Women are peculiar that way. … Uh oh… Ladies, that’s a guy joke.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right. It’s great that you have a strong faith. Keep it up. Pray for your wife’s happiness, health, and peace of mind. Is there any chance she could pray for you? Recently I read about a research study that showed that prayer for spouses helps a lot with cooperation and forgiveness.

I’m praying for you too.

 

[Lou2U]

Everything Xantippe said.

Get help for your PTSD, OP. Regardless if other people have it worse than you, it is affecting your life, it’s affecting your wife and it’s affecting your family. You don’t have to struggle with it.

Always be polite to your wife, even if she isn’t to you. Always say goodbye and thank you. Even if she doesn’t say it back, it starts communication back up again and it stops the tit-for-tat between the two of you: “well, he didn’t do this so I won’t do this” or “she didn’t say this so I won’t say this”. It just shows your wife that you do appreciate her and what she does for you and hopefully it will encourage her to do the same.

Also, I didn’t see anywhere in your post where your wife gets any downtime. If she doesn’t, or she feels as if she doesn’t, it may go a long way explaining why she resents you playing video games. Try to give her a bit of time if you can - you could watch your daughter whilst your wife has a bath or some time to herself. Your wife has to realise that you have to be allowed to watch your daughter by yourself, so if you start building time up, she will grow more comfortable letting you be with her alone.

Lou

 

[mommy_k]

Being a first time mom is difficult sometimes…they even have diaper commercials about it.

I would accompany you wife with your dd next time to the pediatrician to clear up any disagreements about the fundamentals of parenting your dd, such as diet, and what type of supervised roaming is safe for your baby, and things like bathing, nap time how to dress your dd and so on…this way you both hear it from a professional, and there will be less debate or blame. Ask in a nice way that you would like to sincerely learn.

As for the other things, your wife seems overwhelmed and needs to chill, check her harsh language and you need to step it up, and be more understanding that being a stay at home mom is work and stressful too.

I think you both need scheduled, regular down time each day. Write down your times for this and stick to it.

 

[Irishmom2]

I am a little confused by some of the responses. The OP sounds like he has a lot on his plate. In addition to being the sole income, he does watch his daughter, he cleans around the house and takes care of the yard work and car. And it is being suggested that his wife is the one that is overwhelmed? He is sleeping a normal amount of time and even that is being criticized as not right. In other threads, he is doing what others would be saying he should be doing.

I do think that you need to look into getting help for your possible PTSD. It is setting up a dynamic in your marriage that would be helped by you getting counseling. Perhaps you could limit your gaming to times when your daughter is napping or occupied with her own play in the same room.

I think that marriage counseling would help as well, to learn ways of communicating both of your needs in a non- passive aggressive manner. As someone mentioned earlier, be nice and respectful, even when your wife isn’t.

Thank you for your service, by the way. Please take care of yourself.

 

[mommy_k]

I am a little confused by some of the responses. The OP sounds like he has a lot on his plate. In addition to being the sole income, he does watch his daughter, he cleans around the house and takes care of the yard work and car. And it is being suggested that his wife is the one that is overwhelmed? He is sleeping a normal amount of time and even that is being criticized as not right. In other threads, he is doing what others would be saying he should be doing.

I do think that you need to look into getting help for your possible PTSD. It is setting up a dynamic in your marriage that would be helped by you getting counseling. Perhaps you could limit your gaming to times when your daughter is napping or occupied with her own play in the same room.

I think that marriage counseling would help as well, to learn ways of communicating both of your needs in a non- passive aggressive manner. As someone mentioned earlier, be nice and respectful, even when your wife isn’t.

Thank you for your service, by the way. Please take care of yourself.

Yes…I can’t speak for others, but when I said overwhelmed, I meant like the luvs diaper commercials…you know the ones that have the the first time mom interviewing a babysitter and only a masters degree in early childcare would be acceptable qualifications for her baby sitter…did u see this one?

This rings true for me .for my first, I packed a complete diaper bag, a change of clothes and 3 bottles for the baby…just to go to the supermarket.

For the second I let up a little, but still had the diaper bag…

For next few i had bottle in my pocket and a diaper in the car

That’s what I was getting at, and the op’s wife sounds to me like this.

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes…I can’t speak for others, but when I said overwhelmed, I meant like the luvs diaper commercials…you know the ones that have the the first time mom interviewing a babysitter and only a masters degree in early childcare would be acceptable qualifications for her baby sitter…did u see this one?

This rings true for me .for my first, I packed a complete diaper bag, a change of clothes and 3 bottles for the baby…just to go to the supermarket.

For the second I let up a little, but still had the diaper bag…

For next few i had bottle in my pocket and a diaper in the car

That’s what I was getting at, and the op’s wife sounds to me like this.

Oh, yes, I have seen that, lol! Yes, I don’t know what kind of social circle of moms the wife has, but if she could have some that have been through it already and could help her to see that parenting takes practice and that her daughter will survive even constipation, I think she would not feel as stressed.

For myself, I used to grocery shop at night when my kids were in bed and my husband could do his thing watching tv or reading for work. I looked forward to that time alone, even if I was shopping. I enjoyed my role as a stay at home mom, and shopping, cleaning, childcare are all part of that. “This too shall pass.” My “children” are not at home now and it’s kind of a weird feeling sometimes. But it’s just another phase.

 

[Xantippe]

I am a little confused by some of the responses. The OP sounds like he has a lot on his plate. In addition to being the sole income, he does watch his daughter, he cleans around the house and takes care of the yard work and car. And it is being suggested that his wife is the one that is overwhelmed? He is sleeping a normal amount of time and even that is being criticized as not right. In other threads, he is doing what others would be saying he should be doing.

I do think that you need to look into getting help for your possible PTSD. It is setting up a dynamic in your marriage that would be helped by you getting counseling. Perhaps you could limit your gaming to times when your daughter is napping or occupied with her own play in the same room.

I think that marriage counseling would help as well, to learn ways of communicating both of your needs in a non- passive aggressive manner. As someone mentioned earlier, be nice and respectful, even when your wife isn’t.

Thank you for your service, by the way. Please take care of yourself.

Look at his schedule a little more carefully. He’s taking his “me” time between about midnight and 2 AM, which means that his daily schedule is more out of step than it needs to be–he could be going to bed way earlier and waking up in the morning way earlier.

I also suspect that (while it’s wonderful that he’s trying to fit in all these household tasks before he goes to work), that he’s not being strategic enough about it with regard to fitting them into the overall family schedule, and he needs to do more planning with his wife.

He’s not necessarily doing the wrong things, but I suspect that he’s doing them at the wrong time, and without enough prior communication with his wife.

 

[Oneofthewomen]

Look at his schedule a little more carefully. He’s taking his “me” time between about midnight and 2 AM, which means that his daily schedule is more out of step than it needs to be–he could be going to bed way earlier and waking up in the morning way earlier.

I also suspect that (while it’s wonderful that he’s trying to fit in all these household tasks before he goes to work), that he’s not being strategic enough about it with regard to fitting them into the overall family schedule, and he needs to do more planning with his wife.

He’s not necessarily doing the wrong things, but I suspect that he’s doing them at the wrong time, and without enough prior communication with his wife.

Maybe, but have you ever worked shift work?
I know that when I worked until 11pm, I could not come right home from work and hop into bed, I needed some time to unwind.
If you work a 9-5 job. do you come right home from work and go to bed?
I think many of these responses are a little over the top. I understand being a mom is difficult, but it seems like we are asking this man to make all sorts of concessions and giving the wife a pass.
OP, please talk to your priest and consider getting some counseling, either as a couple or on your own. You will be in my prayers.

 

[Xantippe]

Maybe, but have you ever worked shift work?
I know that when I worked until 11pm, I could not come right home from work and hop into bed, I needed some time to unwind.
If you work a 9-5 job. do you come right home from work and go to bed?
I think many of these responses are a little over the top. I understand being a mom is difficult, but it seems like we are asking this man to make all sorts of concessions and giving the wife a pass.
OP, please talk to your priest and consider getting some counseling, either as a couple or on your own. You will be in my prayers.

The problem is, screen time (particularly exciting gaming) is just about the worst thing you can do to “unwind.”

sleepdr.com/blog/pre-bed-video-gaming

sleepjunkies.com/blog/video-games-sleep-habits/

It’s kind of a bitter pill if that’s the OP’s thing, but the more one needs to unwind before bed, the more one needs to avoid gaming and blue light.

scientificamerican.com/article/q-a-why-is-blue-light-before-bedtime-bad-for-sleep/

(My husband has gone so far as to switch his phone to red for night so that that he can read his emails without making himself up too much.)

 

[Oneofthewomen]

The problem is, screen time (particularly exciting gaming) is just about the worst thing you can do to “unwind.”

sleepdr.com/blog/pre-bed-video-gaming

sleepjunkies.com/blog/video-games-sleep-habits/

It’s kind of a bitter pill if that’s the OP’s thing, but the more one needs to unwind before bed, the more one needs to avoid gaming and blue light.

scientificamerican.com/article/q-a-why-is-blue-light-before-bedtime-bad-for-sleep/

(My husband has gone so far as to switch his phone to red for night so that that he can read his emails without making himself up too much.)

Again, that may be for some people, but not all.
This guy has a lot going on in his life and he came here for advice and he is being told everything he likes is wrong. I get we are only getting his side of the story, but my first impression is that the wife is being completely unreasonable.

OP, please see your priest and a counselor- that is the best advice!

 

[bitterhope]

Maybe, but have you ever worked shift work?
I know that when I worked until 11pm, I could not come right home from work and hop into bed, I needed some time to unwind.
If you work a 9-5 job. do you come right home from work and go to bed?
I think many of these responses are a little over the top. I understand being a mom is difficult, but it seems like we are asking this man to make all sorts of concessions and giving the wife a pass.
OP, please talk to your priest and consider getting some counseling, either as a couple or on your own. You will be in my prayers.

Yes it is very hard to go to bed without having time to unwind. I have worked both second and third shifts in the past and not having time to unwind is a recipe for insomnia. My husband’s schedule for work is very unpredictable and we as a family work around his sleep schedule instead of asking him to sleep around our schedules. Sleep is very important and if it is unnecessarily interrupted, it can throw a person into sleep problems. Insomnia is mild compared to some of the other problems some people are prone to developing.

This man works a physically demanding, can be dangerous if focus is not there, type of job. He needs at least 8 hours for safety reasons. He’s not oversleeping. He contributes to the household both by being sole provider and cleaning, child care, etc. His dogs aren’t just for companionship. They serve a purpose. I can’t stand my husband’s PTSD companion but there is no way I would dream of removing it from his life. It’s necessary. And the kids and I take care of the dumb fuzzy thing when he is overseas or even just TDY stateside. Women need to learn to adjust and deal with things as well as the men in a family. It isn’t always up to him. He is not the cause of all problems.

 

[Lorelei12]

Yes to everything Xantippe wrote.

It sounds like you both need to adjust attitudes a bit. It is possible that your wife might be being a little over-cautious. I know I can get like that a lot. We have one child so far and I get upset when I feel that my husband doesn’t watch him carefully enough. Sometimes I do overreact, but other times I just tend to see obstacles that he doesn’t think of.

A couple of things you mentioned are concerning. First, please get help for the PTSD. If it’s affecting your life and your family’s life, you need professional help.

You mentioned “slaving away at a job that must be worked”. Keep in mind that your wife is doing the exact same thing. Being home with a toddler all day is SO HARD. When you have the attitude that you are the one working and she isn’t doing the “important” work, it’s easy for her to be resentful and feel unappreciated. I think a lot of men whose wives stay home with kids struggle with understanding or appreciating all of the physical and mental energy it takes. A couple of weeks ago my mother in law was watching our toddler run around and commenting about how exhausted she was just watching him. My husband said “Yeah, me too, and I’m not even the one who does it all day.” Just that mere comment about how exhausting it must be made me feel better about doing it. Try to consider all of the things your wife does and appreciate her for them, even if you are not feeling appreciated yourself. Someone has to start.

We all need “me time”. But when you have kids, you get less of it. That’s just how it is. You mentioned that you seem to think your wife has more of it than you do. Maybe that is true. There are naps, and when your child is in bed, but there are also other things that need to get done during that time, in addition to being constantly vigilant over a child. I suspect your wife probably has a lot less “me time” than you think. It sounds like part of the issue could be your schedule- do you really need 4 1/2 hours to unwind after coming home from work? What about eating some dinner, then taking an hour or two to watch a movie or play a game and then get to bed by 12pm so that you can be up to spend some time with your wife and daughter instead of sleeping so late every day? Right now, you get 12 uninterrupted hours of kid-free time. I’d be resentful too, honestly.

Also- try to refrain from phrases like “taking the reigns of the household”. Maybe you didn’t mean that as misogynistic as it comes across, but sounds really bad. Your wife sounds really frustrated, and it doesn’t sound like she is handing things appropriately, but whatever “taking the reigns” means, I bet it doesn’t help. Have you tried asking her how she thinks you both can work to make things better?

 

[Xantippe]

Again, that may be for some people, but not all.
This guy has a lot going on in his life and he came here for advice and he is being told everything he likes is wrong. I get we are only getting his side of the story, but my first impression is that the wife is being completely unreasonable.

OP, please see your priest and a counselor- that is the best advice!

Well, he’s obviously exhausted. In fact, he uses that very word, and it sounds like he feels very bummed out about going to work in the morning–“As I hugged my DD goodbye while trying to hold back that tear of leaving her to slave away at a job that must be worked as Im the sole income of the house”.

While we’re at it, OP, are you thinking about your long-term career plans? It doesn’t sound like this schedule is going to work for you long-term and you don’t seem to love your work. Plus, I have concerns about the sustainability of this particular work for you, as it sounds very physically demanding–I would suggest having a long-term plan that gets you into less physically demanding work that you like better. (My dad did a lot of work in the woods cutting cedar when I was a little kid, but he decided that he had to leave it around the time he was around 35+ because it was just too hard on his body–he managed to successfully transition to physically lighter work and is still going strong pushing 70.) Another consideration is that once your daughter is in school, you just won’t see her anymore on weekdays if you keep your current schedule.

If what he’s doing isn’t working and he isn’t happy with it (and he isn’t), he should do something different.

 

[heidi_storage]

Yes it is very hard to go to bed without having time to unwind. I have worked both second and third shifts in the past and not having time to unwind is a recipe for insomnia. My husband’s schedule for work is very unpredictable and we as a family work around his sleep schedule instead of asking him to sleep around our schedules. Sleep is very important and if it is unnecessarily interrupted, it can throw a person into sleep problems. Insomnia is mild compared to some of the other problems some people are prone to developing.

This man works a physically demanding, can be dangerous if focus is not there, type of job. He needs at least 8 hours for safety reasons. He’s not oversleeping. He contributes to the household both by being sole provider and cleaning, child care, etc. His dogs aren’t just for companionship. They serve a purpose. I can’t stand my husband’s PTSD companion but there is no way I would dream of removing it from his life. It’s necessary. And the kids and I take care of the dumb fuzzy thing when he is overseas or even just TDY stateside. Women need to learn to adjust and deal with things as well as the men in a family. It isn’t always up to him. He is not the cause of all problems.

Nice post!

Are there any breadwinning men on CAF who could jump in with their perspective and experience? Someone a little closer to the OP’s situation might be able to discuss similar struggles, and perhaps offer workable solutions.