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AnneElizabeth
Guest
JimG;12997481… said:
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AnneElizabeth
Guest
I know you are right about what you say here, BUT… I still don’t believe the ease of finding a match using profiles makes the use of objectification ok. Its still objectification! Its like facebook- great ease in communicating with loved ones all at once, but you do it at the expense of your privacy… ( and don’t tell me that having ‘privacy’ features keep you safe… that is just ignorance and rose colored glasses thinking. ) Its the same here. Excepting a little bad for some good to come out of it is a slippery slope. This is how the world will be fooled and trapped by evil-doers.
Plus, regarding profiles on online dating sites… there are couples that are together that have NO common interests and it works fine for them. Some people just mesh and work together without having that shared interest… so picking through which ones interest you is limiting in that you’ve judged people before you met them at all… and they could be ‘the one’.
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AnneElizabeth
Guest
I am forced to believe (if I want to still have a faith) that this problem in the Church is going on for a specific reason and that Romans 8:28: we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose- means that if we have put God first in all we do, what occurs to us is for our own good. As painful as that might be, I have to trust in it. Nothing else makes sense and there is nothing left to do but wait on God and accept what His plans are for me.
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ZellieFan
Guest
This story is being widely shared (Deo Gratias) but I think it will come down to prayer, the intercession of the Saints and grace:
dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3100094/California-woman-marry-Vatican-Swiss-Guard-Pope-s-personal-blessing-praying-meet-chivalrous-knight.html
dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3100094/California-woman-marry-Vatican-Swiss-Guard-Pope-s-personal-blessing-praying-meet-chivalrous-knight.html
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ZellieFan
Guest
Thank you for your contributions. I agree with everything. We don’t know how to love. Many are afraid of love. Many have been scarred by the culture and are scared. St. JPII’s great mission was to encourage people to not be afraid to love. Pope Francis also recently spoke about married love.
I think some of us will just end up being casualties of our times and I am trying to be at peace with whatever God decides.
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Peebo
Guest
People can pray all they want for God to find them a partner…God has heard their prayers…it’s up to them to act on that partition to God…not sit back and wait for God to find someone…also some people have raised the bar so high in what they expect in someone of the opposite sex that they will never find anybody who meets their standard…and that’s just for dating purposes…well before marriage is even thought of…it’s probably harder for a devout Christian to find someone who has the same commitment as they do simply because many if not most people nowadays don’t have a strong commitment to God or church…and that includes many Christians and or Catholics as well…something like 24% of Catholics attend regular Mass…so trying to find someone with the same devout Catholic commitment is lessened even more…good luck and God bless all those who are still searching
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Rose71
Guest
Well, I want to add another angle. I finally married at the grand old age of 42.
Once a woman (or man) gets past their 20s, being single is often called being “still single”
Most of my single friends and late-to-marry friends have the same basic profile as me. We’re the ones who attend Mass; do our best to follow the Church’s teaching and believe that sex should be reserved for one’s spouse and it’s wrong to co-habit before marriage. We’re not a perfect bunch by any means and some of us might have difficulty accepting all the Church’s teachings all time, but we aspire to live good and holy lives even if we are human and don’t always succeed.
So, what sort of people are we? We’re the ones who really want to do the right thing - whatever the cost. In today’s society, the emotional cost of holding these values dear can be crippling. Marriage isn’t celebrated anymore very much - but having an active sex life and a ‘partner’ certainly is!
Once we leave the comradeship of university or college and our friends start to pair off and pro-create, we start to feel isolated and, well ‘different’ and eventually, our self esteem can suffer. This is Satan at his cruellest…
So, what do parents, parishoners and people we’ve known and trusted since childhood do?
Nice work! Make me feel like a total freak!
3)I’ve lost count of the number of times people in the parish have talked to my parents about their sons and daughters cohabiting, splitting up etc., and just finished by saying, “but that’s the way these days. isn’t it? Hasn’t Rose found anyone yet?!” It’s as though just because their children have chosen not to stay within the Church, that anyone the same age who does must somehow be a little bit odd.
So, if adult singles can’t count on their fellow parishoners for some empathy and support - not to mention some validation for their efforts to actually hang in there for what they believe in - who can they count on?
My wedding day was the best day of my life. A week before, I told one of the ‘parish elders’ I was getting married and what do you think she said? “Wonderful news, Rose! I’m so glad you’ve found someone after sticking to your principles all this time!”
On no…what she actually said was, “I bet your mother is relieved”
If you know you are called to marriage and desire it with all your heart and actually aspire to a Catholic marriage with all that entails, it can seriously, seriously harm your sanity and your self-esteem in today’s world. Now I am a Mrs. (and amazingly, some ladies in the parish speak to me again for the first time since I was about 25!) I pray that I celebrate my single friends and congratulate them on their bravery and commitment to their faith and not ever, ever patronise them with pitying glances and silly platitudes, or treat them like perpetual children or curiosities in the modern world.
Once a woman (or man) gets past their 20s, being single is often called being “still single”
Most of my single friends and late-to-marry friends have the same basic profile as me. We’re the ones who attend Mass; do our best to follow the Church’s teaching and believe that sex should be reserved for one’s spouse and it’s wrong to co-habit before marriage. We’re not a perfect bunch by any means and some of us might have difficulty accepting all the Church’s teachings all time, but we aspire to live good and holy lives even if we are human and don’t always succeed.
So, what sort of people are we? We’re the ones who really want to do the right thing - whatever the cost. In today’s society, the emotional cost of holding these values dear can be crippling. Marriage isn’t celebrated anymore very much - but having an active sex life and a ‘partner’ certainly is!
Once we leave the comradeship of university or college and our friends start to pair off and pro-create, we start to feel isolated and, well ‘different’ and eventually, our self esteem can suffer. This is Satan at his cruellest…
So, what do parents, parishoners and people we’ve known and trusted since childhood do?
- Every time my mother regaled me with stories of old classmates or friends who had become parents, it used to be like a knife going into my heart! On one hand, here was I following my beliefs and also not wanting to do anything to hurt my parents (and pro-creating while co-habiting un-married would be high on the list) and my own mother was going all gooey and wistful because X and Y were shacked up together and produced a child. To compound matters, when any of her old friends asked her if she had any grandchildren yet, did she ever say, “No, but I have a daughter who has kept her faith and believes children should be conceived within a Catholic marriage - and I’m really proud of her choice even if I do want grandchildren. I think she would be a fantastic mother!” Oh no! She would just sigh and say, “on Rose is happy on her own” (which she wasn’t!)
- I was invited to the wedding of a friend and had nobody to take with me. I didn’t think it mattered, since other parishoners that I had known all my life were going, plus (obviously) my friend and her family. I left in tears early on in the evening because a male parishoner came over to say hello and we got talking, before his wife proclaimed very loudly that ‘single people generally don’t come to this sort of thing because they just end up tagging onto couples who don’t really want them around’. Were we plannig a secret tryst? Was I trying to tempt him with my slutty outfit? Was I drinking alcohol? No, I was wearing an over-the-knee dress in a sensible cut, opaque tights, sensible shoes, drinking orange juice and talking about my job - doh!
Nice work! Make me feel like a total freak!3)I’ve lost count of the number of times people in the parish have talked to my parents about their sons and daughters cohabiting, splitting up etc., and just finished by saying, “but that’s the way these days. isn’t it? Hasn’t Rose found anyone yet?!” It’s as though just because their children have chosen not to stay within the Church, that anyone the same age who does must somehow be a little bit odd.
- People within my parish do tend to infantalise single people. They somehow aren’t treated as fully-fledged adults! Women especially, can be hostile towards single women, as though it’s contagious or just not quite nice and proper!
So, if adult singles can’t count on their fellow parishoners for some empathy and support - not to mention some validation for their efforts to actually hang in there for what they believe in - who can they count on?My wedding day was the best day of my life. A week before, I told one of the ‘parish elders’ I was getting married and what do you think she said? “Wonderful news, Rose! I’m so glad you’ve found someone after sticking to your principles all this time!”
On no…what she actually said was, “I bet your mother is relieved”
If you know you are called to marriage and desire it with all your heart and actually aspire to a Catholic marriage with all that entails, it can seriously, seriously harm your sanity and your self-esteem in today’s world. Now I am a Mrs. (and amazingly, some ladies in the parish speak to me again for the first time since I was about 25!) I pray that I celebrate my single friends and congratulate them on their bravery and commitment to their faith and not ever, ever patronise them with pitying glances and silly platitudes, or treat them like perpetual children or curiosities in the modern world.
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Xantippe
Guest
Good for you!
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Xantippe
Guest
For the long haul, shared interests are very important. At some point, it will be just an empty nester husband and wife together ALONE, and what if they have nothing at all to talk about, no shared activities, no shared interests, no TV shows or movies that they both enjoy? That sounds pretty grim to me.
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kozlosap
Guest
My daughter meet her true love at age 29. She was in a wedding and six months before the wedding, there was a party for the bridal party to meet each other. The best man was 25. A few days after the party, he called and asked her out. She accepted, and they have been together over a year now. They will most likely be engaged within six months. Both are Catholic and great people. She is an attorney starting a business with two others and he is a construction engineer manager. She told me last week that it was odd for her to go on a date with a man younger than she, but it’s the wisest decision she ever made. Yes, they live together. I have never seen my lovely and caring daughter so happy or at peace. She was sure she would never find the right man and then, there he was! She had two heart surgeries at age 25 during her second year of law school and was absolutely certain that God hated her. Please don’t give up hope!! 
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Rose71
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Haha! I know my version is a bit too much info, Xantippe, but just once…only once,I would live it if she’d actually said that and watched her ‘friend’s’ jaw drop!
(which is very naughty of me, I know)
The gist of what I’m saying though, is that being single and cellibate past about 25 can be a lonely place (as I am sure being the only one of the ‘gang’ to have a new baby) and i don’t believe teh Catholic community is nearly supportive or thoughtful enough.
I was incredibly lucky to meet my DH and it was a giant leap of faith to actually agree to go on a date with him because much as I wanted to get to know him, I’d been almost ‘conditioned’ by the good Catholics in my community to feel that I just didn’t cut it as a real woman
(which is very naughty of me, I know
)The gist of what I’m saying though, is that being single and cellibate past about 25 can be a lonely place (as I am sure being the only one of the ‘gang’ to have a new baby) and i don’t believe teh Catholic community is nearly supportive or thoughtful enough.
I was incredibly lucky to meet my DH and it was a giant leap of faith to actually agree to go on a date with him because much as I wanted to get to know him, I’d been almost ‘conditioned’ by the good Catholics in my community to feel that I just didn’t cut it as a real woman
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InigoMontoya
Guest
If you don’t mind my curious question. What do you believe should instill the urge in someone to make an introduction than?
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AnneElizabeth
Guest
I mean no offense, I have seen these accusations put out before and being a near single 40 year old myself who knows what she has done and what she hasn’t done to find (and prepare herself for) a spouse, I find them very unfair and unfounded. This is the same stuff I see hurled at single people all the time. I don’t mean to sound mean in saying that, but just that lets not let this thread turn into “If they are single its all their fault” type banter. Misfortune does fall on some people without having commited some error or wrongdoing themselves. Its the same kind of thinking when I see and read people accusing people who are fat and or sick that they somehow did it to themselves… No!.. some maybe but sometimes life throws something at you, even when you did everything you felt and believed you should do right. We can’t judge like that.People can pray all they want for God to find them a partner…God has heard their prayers…it’s up to them to act on that partition to God…not sit back and wait for God to find someone…also some people have raised the bar so high in what they expect in someone of the opposite sex that they will never find anybody who meets their standard…and that’s just for dating purposes…well before marriage is even thought of…it’s probably harder for a devout Christian to find someone who has the same commitment as they do simply because many if not most people nowadays don’t have a strong commitment to God or church…and that includes many Christians and or Catholics as well…something like 24% of Catholics attend regular Mass…so trying to find someone with the same devout Catholic commitment is lessened even more…good luck and God bless all those who are still searching
Standards do need to be set and whether one actively pursues and seeks a spouse or not, it makes no difference. God is still in control and there is nothing one can do to change that. Love is more than just an agreement. Its holy and sacred, and for a lasting marriage it should start off that way- not some mundane- 'hey, I guess you’re alright, let’s get married". I don’t believe God ever asks people to settle for another, as that is lukewarm, and you know how much that angers God according to Scripture.
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AnneElizabeth
Guest
I think you are not understanding where I’m coming from in my post… Let me try and explain… I’m only speaking of and questioning the use of match dating websites. I don’t like that people are put up like objects ready for purchase. It cheapens the souls of these people.If you don’t mind my curious question. What do you believe should instill the urge in someone to make an introduction than?
In life, there are many reasons why someone could be urged/moved to make an introduction. Perhaps you are confused by my using the term ‘shared interest’… I’m speaking specifically here of the use of dating website profiles which list interests, which also makes one assume that the other likes that shared interest in the same way as they do. Two people can like an interest but in different ways. It does not mean that they will bond over it. Its assuming too much. Its flat. People are more complicated than that.
Shared interest I realize can me anything… perhaps that was the wrong term and caused confusion. I hope this clears it up. (it might not… I’m kind of complicated!
)
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AnneElizabeth
Guest
This was well thought out and well written. Thank you Rose for it and congratulations on your marriage! I bolded what I thought was the most poignant statement.Well, I want to add another angle. I finally married at the grand old age of 42.
Once a woman (or man) gets past their 20s, being single is often called being “still single”
Most of my single friends and late-to-marry friends have the same basic profile as me. We’re the ones who attend Mass; do our best to follow the Church’s teaching and believe that sex should be reserved for one’s spouse and it’s wrong to co-habit before marriage. We’re not a perfect bunch by any means and some of us might have difficulty accepting all the Church’s teachings all time, but we aspire to live good and holy lives even if we are human and don’t always succeed.
So, what sort of people are we? We’re the ones who really want to do the right thing - whatever the cost. In today’s society, the emotional cost of holding these values dear can be crippling. Marriage isn’t celebrated anymore very much - but having an active sex life and a ‘partner’ certainly is!
Once we leave the comradeship of university or college and our friends start to pair off and pro-create, we start to feel isolated and, well ‘different’ and eventually, our self esteem can suffer. This is Satan at his cruellest…
So, what do parents, parishoners and people we’ve known and trusted since childhood do?
- Every time my mother regaled me with stories of old classmates or friends who had become parents, it used to be like a knife going into my heart! On one hand, here was I following my beliefs and also not wanting to do anything to hurt my parents (and pro-creating while co-habiting un-married would be high on the list) and my own mother was going all gooey and wistful because X and Y were shacked up together and produced a child. To compound matters, when any of her old friends asked her if she had any grandchildren yet, did she ever say, “No, but I have a daughter who has kept her faith and believes children should be conceived within a Catholic marriage - and I’m really proud of her choice even if I do want grandchildren. I think she would be a fantastic mother!” Oh no! She would just sigh and say, “on Rose is happy on her own” (which she wasn’t!)
- I was invited to the wedding of a friend and had nobody to take with me. I didn’t think it mattered, since other parishoners that I had known all my life were going, plus (obviously) my friend and her family. I left in tears early on in the evening because a male parishoner came over to say hello and we got talking, before his wife proclaimed very loudly that ‘single people generally don’t come to this sort of thing because they just end up tagging onto couples who don’t really want them around’. Were we plannig a secret tryst? Was I trying to tempt him with my slutty outfit? Was I drinking alcohol? No, I was wearing an over-the-knee dress in a sensible cut, opaque tights, sensible shoes, drinking orange juice and talking about my job - doh!
3)I’ve lost count of the number of times people in the parish have talked to my parents about their sons and daughters cohabiting, splitting up etc., and just finished by saying, “but that’s the way these days. isn’t it? Hasn’t Rose found anyone yet?!” It’s as though just because their children have chosen not to stay within the Church, that anyone the same age who does must somehow be a little bit odd.
My wedding day was the best day of my life. A week before, I told one of the ‘parish elders’ I was getting married and what do you think she said? “Wonderful news, Rose! I’m so glad you’ve found someone after sticking to your principles all this time!”
- People within my parish do tend to infantalise single people. They somehow aren’t treated as fully-fledged adults! Women especially, can be hostile towards single women, as though it’s contagious or just not quite nice and proper!
**
On no…what she actually said was, “I bet your mother is relieved”
If you know you are called to marriage and desire it with all your heart and actually aspire to a Catholic marriage with all that entails, it can seriously, seriously harm your sanity and your self-esteem in today’s world. Now I am a Mrs. (and amazingly, some ladies in the parish speak to me again for the first time since I was about 25!) I pray that I celebrate my single friends and congratulate them on their bravery and commitment to their faith and not ever, ever patronise them with pitying glances and silly platitudes, or treat them like perpetual children or curiosities in the modern world.
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Sarcelle
Guest
If someone says you aren’t married because your standards are too high, ask them if they are married. If they are married, ask them if they had lowered their standards to find their spouse. If they did not, ask them why you should. After all they are asking you to do what they had not done themselves. If they did, ask them the reason why they lowered their standards in front of their spouse.
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Sarcelle
Guest
This is probably the reason why I don’t have many female friends. I don’t belong in the wife and mom club.Well, I want to add another angle. I finally married at the grand old age of 42.
Once a woman (or man) gets past their 20s, being single is often called being “still single”
Most of my single friends and late-to-marry friends have the same basic profile as me. We’re the ones who attend Mass; do our best to follow the Church’s teaching and believe that sex should be reserved for one’s spouse and it’s wrong to co-habit before marriage. We’re not a perfect bunch by any means and some of us might have difficulty accepting all the Church’s teachings all time, but we aspire to live good and holy lives even if we are human and don’t always succeed.
So, what sort of people are we? We’re the ones who really want to do the right thing - whatever the cost. In today’s society, the emotional cost of holding these values dear can be crippling. Marriage isn’t celebrated anymore very much - but having an active sex life and a ‘partner’ certainly is!
Once we leave the comradeship of university or college and our friends start to pair off and pro-create, we start to feel isolated and, well ‘different’ and eventually, our self esteem can suffer. This is Satan at his cruellest…
So, what do parents, parishoners and people we’ve known and trusted since childhood do?
- Every time my mother regaled me with stories of old classmates or friends who had become parents, it used to be like a knife going into my heart! On one hand, here was I following my beliefs and also not wanting to do anything to hurt my parents (and pro-creating while co-habiting un-married would be high on the list) and my own mother was going all gooey and wistful because X and Y were shacked up together and produced a child. To compound matters, when any of her old friends asked her if she had any grandchildren yet, did she ever say, “No, but I have a daughter who has kept her faith and believes children should be conceived within a Catholic marriage - and I’m really proud of her choice even if I do want grandchildren. I think she would be a fantastic mother!” Oh no! She would just sigh and say, “on Rose is happy on her own” (which she wasn’t!)
- I was invited to the wedding of a friend and had nobody to take with me. I didn’t think it mattered, since other parishoners that I had known all my life were going, plus (obviously) my friend and her family. I left in tears early on in the evening because a male parishoner came over to say hello and we got talking, before his wife proclaimed very loudly that ‘single people generally don’t come to this sort of thing because they just end up tagging onto couples who don’t really want them around’. Were we plannig a secret tryst? Was I trying to tempt him with my slutty outfit? Was I drinking alcohol? No, I was wearing an over-the-knee dress in a sensible cut, opaque tights, sensible shoes, drinking orange juice and talking about my job - doh!
3)I’ve lost count of the number of times people in the parish have talked to my parents about their sons and daughters cohabiting, splitting up etc., and just finished by saying, “but that’s the way these days. isn’t it? Hasn’t Rose found anyone yet?!” It’s as though just because their children have chosen not to stay within the Church, that anyone the same age who does must somehow be a little bit odd.
- People within my parish do tend to infantalise single people. They somehow aren’t treated as fully-fledged adults! Women especially, can be hostile towards single women, as though it’s contagious or just not quite nice and proper!
My wedding day was the best day of my life. A week before, I told one of the ‘parish elders’ I was getting married and what do you think she said? “Wonderful news, Rose! I’m so glad you’ve found someone after sticking to your principles all this time!”
On no…what she actually said was, “I bet your mother is relieved”
If you know you are called to marriage and desire it with all your heart and actually aspire to a Catholic marriage with all that entails, it can seriously, seriously harm your sanity and your self-esteem in today’s world. Now I am a Mrs. (and amazingly, some ladies in the parish speak to me again for the first time since I was about 25!) I pray that I celebrate my single friends and congratulate them on their bravery and commitment to their faith and not ever, ever patronise them with pitying glances and silly platitudes, or treat them like perpetual children or curiosities in the modern world.
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AnneElizabeth
Guest
Really good point. I’ll take it! Thanks!
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AnneElizabeth
Guest
Peebo, I’m sorry for my posted response to your post (above) … I think I was too harsh in response. Call it a knee jerk reaction. I apologize if I came across belligerent. Your post was kind hearted and added to discussion.People can pray all they want for God to find them a partner…God has heard their prayers…it’s up to them to act on that partition to God…not sit back and wait for God to find someone…also some people have raised the bar so high in what they expect in someone of the opposite sex that they will never find anybody who meets their standard…and that’s just for dating purposes…well before marriage is even thought of…it’s probably harder for a devout Christian to find someone who has the same commitment as they do simply because many if not most people nowadays don’t have a strong commitment to God or church…and that includes many Christians and or Catholics as well…something like 24% of Catholics attend regular Mass…so trying to find someone with the same devout Catholic commitment is lessened even more…good luck and God bless all those who are still searching
I think what happened is that when I hear anyone use the phrase “high standards” , because of what the current banter of society today and what I’ve heard/read, I think they are talking about remaining a virgin until marriage as being selfish and asking for too much. If that’s the case, I didn’t know ‘selfish’ could hurt so badly. I know you did not imply that at all. I’m so sorry! Sometimes I forget what forum website I am posting on.
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