The girlfriend's parents hate me

[Timothysis]

but I do feel her parents attempts at shielding her (from life in general, not me) are not beneficial to anyone - they really need to have a bit more faith in their daughter and let her get out and experience the real world…

This is not your place to say and you have no right to decide how her parents should treat their own daughter. You are offended because of their attitude about your job, yet you are trying to tell them how they should behave. Quite hypocritical…

shortly followed by the father taking me outside to have a bit of a chat to me about how he didn’t want ‘someone from a poor background who attended a public school’ dating his daughter

This should be enough for you if you truly cared for and respected her. You are going to be nothing but a wedge between loving parents and their daughter. You have no right to do such a thing and the guilt will be on your hands.

I often wonder how she turned out so normal

So her parents aren’t “normal” because they object to you working in a sex shop? And you are the final arbitrator of what is “normal” or not? Once again, how hypocritical.

 

[ellabelle]

btw i agree with everybody’s post’s about the adult shop job. You will never be a good influence on any woman while you work in a place like that! Please rethink it the money cant be worth it.

If you dont really know that porn can be a bad thing (and i dont blame you if you are a young man who wasnt brought up with a belief otherwise in our sex driven culture) read some real life stories or doco’s on the damage it does to the women (and men!) in the sex industry. Most of them end up on drugs and having abortions to continue in their work. They suffer. They dont love what they do as much as the men watching it think they do. And there are many many men suffering from porn addictions and it can absolutely destroy their marriages and family’s. Their are plenty of recovery programs and websites to learn about this. Porn turns men and women’s bodies into objects like something you would buy from a store and then discard when you have used it. These are REAL people with lives and feelings the same as your sister/mum/girlfriend. Not things to buy.

end rant

 

[kaws]

Steve,

I can understand where you are coming from to a degree. My parents were somewhat strict and at the time I thought over controlling. We certainly had our conflicts during my college years. With a little more maturity and time to reflect I still think they were often way too controlling, but I know they meant well and were trying to look out for what they believed to be my best interests. I now wish I had listened to some of their advice that I disregarded at the time.

I think the transition or roles from parent to a dependent child to independent adult is often difficult for both parents and children and there is often inevitably conflict. If she is 20, she is an adult and can make her own life decisions. Her parents need to respect that, but she is still young in the grand scheme and it is still her parents duty as parents to try to guide and shape her in terms of right and wrong.

A long time ago I once had a boyfriend whose mother HATED me. I think she thought I was sexually active with her son (which I wasn’t at that time). It hurt. I understand that.

That said as a parent now I have to agree with many other posters that I would have MAJOR CONCERNS with my daughter or son dating someone who worked in a sex shop. There are disagreements among Catholics about whether sex toys can be used by married couples. There have been sources with imprimater (sp.?) form both sides. I think depending on the “toy” if used in very certain ways some could be used in accordance with the Church between married couples, HOWEVER…Most people buying such toys are using them in anything but holy ways. Sex shops seem to play into a porn mentality that objectifies sex and glorifies lust.

I would have concerns that someone who works in a sex shop has an unholy view of sex, and would have concerns that someone who views sex this way would date my daughter (or son). I would not want to encourage that way of thinking and acting about sex for my children.

You say that your girlfriend does not fully practice her faith. Perhaps her parents see you as part of her falling away form the Catholic Church.

I think if you want your girlfriends parents to “come around” you will need to quit your job. You will also need to open up communication and demonstrate that you respect both them and their daughter.

 

[marietta]

Is this girl not yet at the age of majority where you live?

I thought 20 was old enough to get out from under Mommy and Daddy’s uberloving influence and begin to live according to one’s own conscience.

Of course, if she’s depending on them for college cash or a roof over her head, that changes the stakes. From way over here, it looks like the parents will behave in this same manner whether their daughter is 20 or 28 or 40. There’s your caveat.

marietta

 

[phil8888]

Hey Steve,

Thanks for being brave and posting on the message board about your situation. You’re questioning things with your gf. Now’s a good time (early in your relationship) to wonder what needs to be sacrificed for this girl.

What are her morals? Maybe she’s against what you’re doing at the adult shop but she’s also smitten with you so she would rather not say anything.

As a Catholic, her faith is important to her. Go to Mass with her, engage with her spiritually. That’s very important. You have to take the whole shibang.

Good luck with everything man.

 

[Lujack]

This should be enough for you if you truly cared for and respected her. You are going to be nothing but a wedge between loving parents and their daughter. You have no right to do such a thing and the guilt will be on your hands.

Now this one part is not fair. The kind of attitude he described in that particular moment is not acceptable from anyone. Any parent who says “no one from a poor public school background will date my daughter” is unbelievably arrogant. Even if he’s grasping for excuses, that excuse, if it happened, reveals quite a bit about the man.

 

[kaws]

Now this one part is not fair. The kind of attitude he described in that particular moment is not acceptable from anyone. Any parent who says “no one from a poor public school background will date my daughter” is unbelievably arrogant. Even if he’s grasping for excuses, that excuse, if it happened, reveals quite a bit about the man.

I would agree to a level. Perhaps he was meaning going to a secular public school instead of a Catholic school. On the other hand I know many good and moral people who have gone to public universities (including most of my relatives) and both people that I would and would not consider to be role models from Catholic or other Christian universities.

 

[NightngaleShane]

The comment about your background is just a pretentious excuse to cover up the REAL reasons why her parents don’t like you:
As of now, you don’t believe in the Catholic faith. Your side job, to most parents, Catholic or not, is considered a bit shady. I know several secular/non-religious parents who would not approve of their daughters dating a guy who worked for an adult shop. Parents are very protective of the intentions of those wanting to date their daughters.

Now, I am sure you are a wonderful person in many ways. Those not raised in Catholicism (or any kind of Christianity) may not understand how much we value purity. So, my next question to you is:
Have you thought about looking into the Catholic faith? Perhaps you might find something for you here I was raised Catholic and ran away from the Church for 4.5 years before being called back by God. I didn’t even know I would be returning to the Church because I felt many people in it were closed minded and judgmental (and yes, some are, but many, many others are full of love and kindness! ), but one event lead to another and I realized that for me, the Catholic faith brings a happiness and peace like no other.

 

[Timothysis]

Now this one part is not fair. The kind of attitude he described in that particular moment is not acceptable from anyone. Any parent who says “no one from a poor public school background will date my daughter” is unbelievably arrogant. Even if he’s grasping for excuses, that excuse, if it happened, reveals quite a bit about the man.

It shows me that it reveals a man who cares for and about his daughter. I highly doubt that the crux of this young man’s disapproval is his educational background, not the fact that he does not practice or share the faith of this young girl and , especially, the fact that he works in an adult shop. I somehow doubt that the concept of sex between unmarried persons is of high moral value to this young man, either. The “what’s the big deal?” attitude of types like this has led to a lifetime of misery for those who become involved with them and make an unwise decision. Do you criticize the father for wanting his daughter to not go down this path?

 

[kaws]

It shows me that it reveals a man who cares for and about his daughter. I highly doubt that the crux of this young man’s disapproval is his educational background, not the fact that he does not practice or share the faith of this young girl and , especially, the fact that he works in an adult shop. I somehow doubt that the concept of sex between unmarried persons is of high moral value to this young man, either. The “what’s the big deal?” attitude of types like this has led to a lifetime of misery for those who become involved with them and make an unwise decision. Do you criticize the father for wanting his daughter to not go down this path?

I would also probably make the assumption that someone who works at a sex shop would probably not have too much of a problem with premarital sex. Adult stores are not exactly known for promoting chastity iykwim Perhaps that assumption is off base . If the father is classist it does not reflect well on the father, but there do appear to be other reasons for concern.

 

[Lujack]

It shows me that it reveals a man who cares for and about his daughter. I highly doubt that the crux of this young man’s disapproval is his educational background, not the fact that he does not practice or share the faith of this young girl and , especially, the fact that he works in an adult shop. I somehow doubt that the concept of sex between unmarried persons is of high moral value to this young man, either. The “what’s the big deal?” attitude of types like this has led to a lifetime of misery for those who become involved with them and make an unwise decision. Do you criticize the father for wanting his daughter to not go down this path?

No, I think you misunderstand me. The fact that he considers “being from a poor public school background” an impediment to dating his daughter reveals a lot. That’s the only thing I’ve commented on.

I don’t criticize the father for his decision; obviously I’m not privy to the full story. I criticize the father for considering being from a poor public school background, whatever that is, to be something to be ashamed of.

 

[BlestOne]

As the mother of a now 17 yo dd… there is no way you would date my daughter. First of all, it would cause undue stress because my 22 yo and 19 yo sons would undoubtedly be in jail for trying to beat some sense into you, but then there would also be the lectures to the daughter about how you can’t possibly respect the sanctity of marriage and family if you work in a sex toy shop and see nothing wrong with being a single guy working in a place like that.

If my dd was of age and wanted to date you, I assure you, I would do anything and everything to bring her back to her faith and her senses, including telling her we didn’t approve of your work. I would also have to discuss your lack of faith and the difficulties of an unequally yolked relationship. Most girls I know did or do go through a very brief period of complacency about their faith… but 99% of the time they come back to it stronger.

It isn’t about material things or jobs or money… it is more important that my children marry a good moral person that knows how to respect them and encourage their faith values.

Sorry no sympathy here…

 

[CWBetts]

I know this is flogging a deceased equine, but if I had a daughter, and you came within 10 feet of her, there would be major issues. What the other posters have said is 100% correct. his is a textbbok case of why believers and non-believers should not be together. And if anyone in the world would be inclined to sympathize with you, it would be me. There is a girl in my parish, aged 21, that her parents have expressed their concerns about me, and I’m Catholic, but their concerns are age difference. I sympathize with your frustration, but you are in the wrong here.

 

[thomfra]

Hello all,

I have a bit of a scenario I’m stuck in that I would like to hear some catholic viewpoints on.

I’m 21, my girlfriend is just about to turn 20
I am not religious, she is from a Catholic background (her parents are very strict catholics - her, not so much)

We have been dating for a couple of months now, however we have recently encountered a problem; her parents do not approve of me at all.

I’m used to being the ‘boyfriend your mother would love’ type aha… I went to a reasonable school, currently finishing my uni degree and working full-time as a civil engineer earning quite a nice wage here in Australia - I’m polite, well-mannered and fairly nice (and modest too )

now the parents thought this was all great until they were told that I work at ‘adultshop.com’ on the weekends to help out a friend
(to put it simply, its a store that sells lingerie, sex toys, books - as well as some products for sexual education and recovery (for those who have suffered from things such as prostate or other cancers and may be affected in some way)

They say this is against their family morals and that they do not want their daughter dating me. The mother refused to speak to me at all whilst I was at their house and the father sat me down and had a bit of a chat with me about how I should ‘not bother seeing her again’

It seems to me though that the problem runs deeper and they are also concerned because their daughter (who is the eldest) is getting to the age where she is going out socialising frequently, out to clubs and pubs and not spending as much time at home - I would think they are a bit concerned they are losing their (scarily tight) grip on their daughter

I would like to hear your opinions on what you think of the situation and how much the fact that I work there changes things?
I understand where they are coming from, however the thing that annoys me is that they thought I was great and were quite welcoming of me for weeks UNTIL they found out this information about my second job)
Unfortunately they have been rather rude to me lately and it has been rather frustrating trying to get them on-side, its getting to the point where she is about to be kicked out of home for siding with me (which may not be such a bad thing for her, she has had a rather restricted childhood and upbringing (in my opinion) and is only now finally starting to live her own life and make her own decisions)

Thanks,
Steve

Stevo old son. I have no problem with premarital sex (in a loving relationship) unlike most of the posters here. So I’m probably not your typical poster on this board. (sorry folks).

Personally though, as a parent of girls, I wouldn’t be totally over the moon to find out they were dating a civil engineer…heheh just kidding…

But why don’t you just tell your mate that you can’t work in his shop because it’s giving you grief with your girlfriends parents. He’ll understand.

Just tell 'em sorry, and that if they feel so strongly about this then you will quit. You can’t do any more than that. You should be willing to make this particular compromise if you really care for your GF. Don’t debate them on the morality of the adult shop.

You are not going to be able to change the parents. When you have kids one day you will understand.

Forget about how sheltered you percieve the GF to be. In the grand scheme of things, a university educated fellow living in a rich country like Australia is pretty sheltered from the world anyway…

 

[Stevo_87]

Thanks again for the replies everyone, especially to those who have managed to keep a bit more of an open mind and view the situation more objectively than others… your advice is greatly appreciated and its good to have a better understanding from the Catholic point of view

As for working at the shop - I have already said that I am more than willing to quit the job, however the parents are of the opinion that it ‘doesn’t change who I am’, otherwise the job would have been well and truly gone by now. I still think that quitting would probably have a positive impact anyway though, so its probably worth it… I’ll have to have a good think about it

I do understand where the parents are coming from, although it IS a bit of a struggle to come to terms with it as its not something that myself or my friends are used to dealing with - openly religious families are very much a small minority over here, with most Australians having a fairly liberal view in comparison to some Americans in my experience ( eg Alabama - where the sale of sex toys is banned… land of the free,hey? *lets not open that can of worms )

As for sheltered, thats perhaps a bit rich coming from a Catholic forum
I have travelled a fair bit and experienced a fair bit for my age, spent a couple of months living with the locals in villages through Thailand, Laos and Cambodia… as well as some charity work through Indonesia and a very short stint in Africa for some engineering work over the summer holidays.
I have friends from all walks of life, many of whom are Catholic, Sikh, Muslim and Hindu among others…

Much as you all have your opinions and morals - most of which probably consider me ‘a bad influence, of poor moral fibre… etc etc’ for what i do and where I work - fair enough
I have probably come across as somewhat condescending and ignorant so far, however amongst the majority of my peer group and age demographic in my city - most would consider my view ‘the norm’ and would view quite a few of you (there are some exceptions - some good posts in this thread) as closed minded and ignorant etc etc, so getting used to ‘the other view’ has been a bit hard to deal with at first

Once again, thanks to all of you for your (name removed by moderator)ut - it is appreciated
I obviously have some thinking to do on the topic… it will be interesting to see what happens from here

 

[CWBetts]

Thanks again for the replies everyone, especially to those who have managed to keep a bit more of an open mind and view the situation more objectively than others… your advice is greatly appreciated and its good to have a better understanding from the Catholic point of view

As for working at the shop - I have already said that I am more than willing to quit the job, however the parents are of the opinion that it ‘doesn’t change who I am’, otherwise the job would have been well and truly gone by now. I still think that quitting would probably have a positive impact anyway though, so its probably worth it… I’ll have to have a good think about it

I do understand where the parents are coming from, although it IS a bit of a struggle to come to terms with it as its not something that myself or my friends are used to dealing with - openly religious families are very much a small minority over here, with most Australians having a fairly liberal view in comparison to some Americans in my experience ( eg Alabama - where the sale of sex toys is banned… land of the free,hey? *lets not open that can of worms )

As for sheltered, thats perhaps a bit rich coming from a Catholic forum
I have travelled a fair bit and experienced a fair bit for my age, spent a couple of months living with the locals in villages through Thailand, Laos and Cambodia… as well as some charity work through Indonesia and a very short stint in Africa for some engineering work over the summer holidays.
I have friends from all walks of life, many of whom are Catholic, Sikh, Muslim and Hindu among others…

Much as you all have your opinions and morals - most of which probably consider me ‘a bad influence, of poor moral fibre… etc etc’ for what i do and where I work - fair enough
I have probably come across as somewhat condescending and ignorant so far, however amongst the majority of my peer group and age demographic in my city - most would consider my view ‘the norm’ and would view quite a few of you (there are some exceptions - some good posts in this thread) as closed minded and ignorant etc etc, so getting used to ‘the other view’ has been a bit hard to deal with at first

Once again, thanks to all of you for your (name removed by moderator)ut - it is appreciated
I obviously have some thinking to do on the topic… it will be interesting to see what happens from here

I thnk pne bascthing you misunderstand is that we, as Catholics, do not asjust our morals accordding to social norms,

 

[Stevo_87]

I thnk pne bascthing you misunderstand is that we, as Catholics, do not asjust our morals accordding to social norms,

I don’t misunderstand at all - whilst I think many of the beliefs and morals are good standards to live by - but to me, many of them are not quite as applicable or relevant in modern times

Thats my personal opinion, I’m certain many others will not agree - but hey, at the end of the day its my choice

 

[DJgang]

( eg Alabama - where the sale of sex toys is banned… land of the free,hey? *lets not open that can of worms )

Well…hate to tell ya, but I can buy sex toys all day long. Stores completely loaded with everything imaginable, even corners designated to magazines for swingers and homosexuals with local hook up areas… so don’t get what you are saying. I do believe they TRIED to ban sex toys but that just didn’t happen … so

I know that you do have to show ID when you walk in the store. Last time I drove by the store it was still there and that was just a few months ago and last time I walked into it was about a year and half ago…so has something happened that maybe this Alabamian is not aware of?

 

[CWBetts]

I don’t misunderstand at all - whilst I think many of the beliefs and morals are good standards to live by - but to me, many of them are not quite as applicable or relevant in modern times

Thats my personal opinion, I’m certain many others will not agree - but hey, at the end of the day its my choice

But you seem to think the parents are unreasonable? I have friends close to tha age of the young woman you so eagerly wish to corrupt, and if you expressed interest in them I would be compelled to encourage you to stay away

 

[Stevo_87]

But you seem to think the parents are unreasonable? I have friends close to tha age of the young woman you so eagerly wish to corrupt, and if you expressed interest in them I would be compelled to encourage you to stay away

Yes, I do think they are unreasonable (to a certain degree)
I struggle to relate to their cause, which is why I posted on here to see if I could gain a better understanding of where they are coming from and what I can do to keep all parties on-side.

Although I understand the concern for the welfare of their daughter it is definately an effort to empathise with them; they have been incredibly rude to me and seem to show little interest in what their daughter actually wants (I’m talking about occurences prior to me, who she socialises with - where she can go and what she can do)

As for the ‘corrupt’ comment, thats interesting - you do not know me, my peer group nor my beliefs and morals - my intentions are good - although I think you already made your judgement - it must be a hard life with so many of us ‘evil doers’ such as myself out in the world, hey?