The girlfriend's parents hate me

[phil8888]

Well apparently religion IS the opiate of the people

How does that even make sense here? Nepenthe calls himself a non-theist…

 

[Nepenthe]

Because you can’t seem to figure out or stick to the thread topic! And I feel no inclination to answer your question, is why. Now, let’s try to concentrate on Stevo’s dilemma, shall we?

 

[petitfleur]

No, you dont…your comments prove that. I know where you are comeing from more than you might think. I was not always Catholic, and I have a past life I am not too proud of. From what you describe I once thought a lot like you do. The fact that you are a civil engineer shows that you are at least pretty smart and have an education. Nobody is saying any different. But comeing from a secular mind set…you DONT get it.

 

[DJgang]

No, you dont…your comments prove that. I know where you are comeing from more than you might think. I was not always Catholic, and I have a past life I am not too proud of. From what you describe I once thought a lot like you do. The fact that you are a civil engineer shows that you are at least pretty smart and have an education. Nobody is saying any different. But comeing from a secular mind set…you DONT get it.

Maybe he’ll listen to you…

 

[petitfleur]

Maybe he’ll listen to you…

I doubt it

 

[Nepenthe]

Yeah, Stevo, you’re getting hazed here for not being a Catholic…some people are just like that, and believe it or not, once you’ve been here a while, they’ll lay off, mostly. But there are some very cool, nice, fun, intelligent and kind Catholics here too, so don’t let the haters get you down, brother. it’ll be okay. Mirdath and I aren’t theists, but we are ridiculously happily married and probably live closer to the ‘Catholic Way’ than a lot of those who ARE Catholic here, surprisingly enough.

We’re actually a lot like Liberal Quakers in our mindsets (contemplative, community-oriented, feel brotherly/sisterly love to all, egalitarian, humanist, etc), and would probably got to SoF meetings if we could find one close enough (there are a few, but they’d be really really hard to travel to in a Michigan winter!)

Now then, I really would like you and the lady you love to be happy, so…what do you think it’d take? I’ve already given one possible answer, but also voiced my doubts as to whether her parents would approve of anyone showing an interest in their precious little girl. As other posters have pointed out, you ARE both adults, and can date to your hearts’ content, but nobody needs family hostility. Hmm…what about your family? Do you think her family meeting them would be a net gain or loss? Just throwing that out there.

 

[phil8888]

Yeah, Stevo, you’re getting hazed here for not being a Catholic…some people are just like that. But there are some very cool, nice, fun, intelligent and kind Catholics here too, so don’t let the haters get you down, brother. it’ll be okay. Mirdath and I aren’t theists, but we are ridiculously happily married and probably live closer to the ‘Catholic Way’ than a lot of those who ARE Catholic here, surprisingly enough.

We’re actually a lot like Liberal Quakers in our mindsets, and would probably got to SoF meetings if we could find one close enough (there are a few, but they’d be really really hard to travel to in a Michigan winter!)

Now then, I really would like you and the lady you love to be happy, so…what do you think it’d take? I’ve already given one possible answer, but also voiced my doubts as to whether her parents would approve of anyone showing an interest in their precious little girl. As other posters have pointed out, you ARE both adults, and can date to your hearts’ content, but nobody needs family hostility. Hmm…what about your family? Do you think her family meeting them would be a net gain or loss? Just throwing that out there.

Who was hazing Stevo for not being Catholic?

 

[Stevo_87]

what is there to listen to?
you repeatedly telling me i don’t get it?
Fantastic… that helps a lot, so constructive…

I have read through the theology deal before, nothing new there - had the cliff notes explained to me by a catholic friend previously…

If I could express my current understanding and contemplation of a religion in a mere few messageboard posts then it would not be much of a religion you have, would it? Obviously I am not of Catholic faith so a full understanding cannot really be expected.

So either explain to me where you think my concept of Catholicism is going astray or stop wasting your time telling me “I don’t get it”

Phil: I wouldn’t exactly call it a hazing, but theres certainly a recurring theme of “you are wrong, you are bad, your beliefs are wrong” etc etc

not exactly the response I’m after, I’m looking for something a tad more constructive

 

[CWBetts]

interesting view…although in my opinion:

PEOPLE ruin marriages
PEOPLE destroy homes
PEOPLE sin

Just because there is a adult toy store around the corner doesn’t mean that ‘Mr X’ had to go in there and buy “product A”
it doesn’t mean that “Mrs Y” is now cheating on her husband
It is also not the reason that both are now stuck in a loveless marriage from which neither is willing to break due to their beliefs, regardless of their lack of feeling towards each other.

Mr X and Mrs Y made that decision themselves, THEY were the ones responsible for the breakdown of marital companionship and THEY are ultimately responsible for the outcome

For someone who has an educatiopn (you did quote Marx after all) you sure are having problems understanding some pretty basic concepts. I will state this very clearly. Healthy marriages do not utilize pornography. A disparportianate number of those involved in the porn industry use drugs and commit suicide. Pornography turns people into throwaway things. Pornography victimizes children. These are not opinions, but facts. I am not saying that the presence of the adult store is waht is causing the problem. Teh entire industry is like a cancer. There is no good that comes out of it. You have laready been seduced by it.

 

[BlestOne]

Look Steve… you seem like a reasonably intelligent person… but you are young, so I am gonna let you into a secret… moral relativity is bogus. Just because it seems like everyone else in the world is having premarital sex and not having any qualms about it, doesn’t make it right. Try to look outside of yourself for a minute. Pretend you have a daughter and you have done everything you could to raise her right… you love her even more than your own life… and you see her making what you think is a big mistake, one that will break her heart in the end… tell me you wouldn’t try to advise her that you think she is going to get hurt… you would because when your child hurts, you hurt.

You might be a nice guy and even have decent morals, but the fact of the matter is that you don’t hold the same beliefs as far as faith values goes. To a Catholic, this is a huge part of who you are… it is everything. If I couldn’t share that part of me, well, it wouldn’t be much of a relationship. I know… I married a man who said he was Catholic… but in reality, he was a pagan worshiper. I tried to make it work, but in the end, his values weren’t mine, and mine weren’t his… the only thing we had in common were our children, and apparently, they weren’t as important to him as they were to me. See what I mean?

 

[phil8888]

I dont knwo if this is related, but I’m trying to be a good Catholic, but I struggle with sexual issues. It’s tough. My inclination is to see what these wise Catholic teachers have to say about it, because I know the benefits.

There’s something like 50% divorce rate, but for peopel who go by the Church’s teaching and use Natural Family Planning, it’s below 1%. It’s incredible but true.

People have become disillusioned with sex, but these people are on the top of a mountain!

 

[CWBetts]

what is there to listen to?
you repeatedly telling me i don’t get it?
Fantastic… that helps a lot, so constructive…

I have read through the theology deal before, nothing new there - had the cliff notes explained to me by a catholic friend previously…

If I could express my current understanding and contemplation of a religion in a mere few messageboard posts then it would not be much of a religion you have, would it? Obviously I am not of Catholic faith so a full understanding cannot really be expected.

So either explain to me where you think my concept of Catholicism is going astray or stop wasting your time telling me “I don’t get it”

Phil: I wouldn’t exactly call it a hazing, but theres certainly a recurring theme of “you are wrong, you are bad, your beliefs are wrong” etc etc

not exactly the response I’m after, I’m looking for something a tad more constructive

How about this: Catholics are discouraged from entering into romantic relationships with non-Catholics. You are seeign firsthand why. So find someone else.

 

[kaws]

I do understand where the parents are coming from, although it IS a bit of a struggle to come to terms with it as its not something that myself or my friends are used to dealing with - openly religious families are very much a small minority over here, with most Australians having a fairly liberal view in comparison to some Americans in my experience ( eg Alabama - where the sale of sex toys is banned… land of the free,hey? *lets not open that can of worms )

I have probably come across as somewhat condescending and ignorant so far, however amongst the majority of my peer group and age demographic in my city - most would consider my view ‘the norm’ and would view quite a few of you (there are some exceptions - some good posts in this thread) as closed minded and ignorant etc etc, so getting used to ‘the other view’ has been a bit hard to deal with at first

Once again, thanks to all of you for your (name removed by moderator)ut - it is appreciated
I obviously have some thinking to do on the topic… it will be interesting to see what happens from here

Steve,

Do you have a problem with her parents religion, or Catholicism in general (not their negative attitude towards you, but their religion?) I could be misreading you (sometimes it is easy to misread emotion in an online forum), but you come across as a little condescending and hostile toward religion or at least Catholicism. Seeking an answer here does perhaps show some good faith. It seems like you have as much of a problem with them practicing their religion as they do with your side job.

I am a Catholic. My Dad is Catholic and my mom is Presbyterian. I fell away from the Catholic Church in college because I felt driven out by the actions of a few people who I thought were narrow minded and judgmental. Through the grace of God I came back to the Catholic Church. There may be closed minded people on this forum and out in the world, but most Catholics are not.

 

[phil8888]

Closed-mindedness is seen as an automatically bad thing. But if you think about it, it’s really neutral. For example, I’m closed-minded when it comes to child slavery. If I say, “I’m always against child slavery.” If you tried to convince me of your point of view that it’s ok, and I disagreed, you could say I’m closed-minded, but in that case it’s good!

 

[kaws]

Closed-mindedness is seen as an automatically bad thing. But if you think about it, it’s really neutral. For example, I’m closed-minded when it comes to child slavery. If I say, “I’m always against child slavery.” If you tried to convince me of your point of view that it’s ok, and I disagreed, you could say I’m closed-minded, but in that case it’s good!

I wasn’t trying to imply that there is no right or wrong or that all actions should be tolerated. I do think that morality is important and sin should be avoided at all costs. I’m not accusing you of being in this category, but guess what I was more meaning was by listening without making snap judgments or trying to see where the other side is coming from and expressing reasons behind beliefs without having an attitude that comes across as “holier-than-thou”.

 

[Nepenthe]

Yeah, kaws is a pretty cool dude, among many others here (I wholly approve of his taste in art, if that nick is taken from KAWS the street/pop artist! )

But nah, you don’t come across as hostile or condescending to religion from where I am sitting - only in response to those who’ve been rather hostile and condescending to you, just turnabout being fair play, and though I try not to play those games myself - it happens. But now we seem to be getting back on track, people are opening up again, so yeah, on with the show!

 

[Stevo_87]

Steve,

Do you have a problem with her parents religion, or Catholicism in general (not their negative attitude towards you, but their religion?) I could be misreading you (sometimes it is easy to misread emotion in an online forum), but you come across as a little condescending and hostile toward religion or at least Catholicism. Seeking an answer here does perhaps show some good faith. It seems like you have as much of a problem with them practicing their religion as they do with your side job.

I am a Catholic. My Dad is Catholic and my mom is Presbyterian. I fell away from the Catholic Church in college because I felt driven out by the actions of a few people who I thought were narrow minded and judgmental. Through the grace of God I came back to the Catholic Church. There may be closed minded people on this forum and out in the world, but most Catholics are not.

I had a longer reply here but it didnt go through the first time I sent it sigh

quick version of what I wrote earlier (its well past my bedtime)
-Yes I have an issue with the parents (although not with catholicism itself)

-The mother is very strict Catholic
-The father is not very religous at all, but understandably sides with the wife (he was concerned but understanding about working at adultshop, it was ok with him)
-My girlfriend is much less religious than my initial post made it out to be, she becomes aggravated that her mother is constantly trying to force her to fall in line with her views… whilst she does attend mass regularly with her family she is certainly not committed to her religion and its beliefs at this point in time (it has been this way for a number of years now)

So I suppose the main issue isnt the religion but the parents desire to control their child’s every movement and decision as she passes beyond her teenage years… there are certainly times when it is needed, however I think it is getting a little unhealthy (in my opinion)

anyway I’m off to bed, got to get up nice and early in 5 hours to head out on site… hopefully things don’t derail too much before I check this again

thanks again guys

 

[phil8888]

I wasn’t trying to imply that there is no right or wrong or that all actions should be tolerated. I do think that morality is important and sin should be avoided at all costs. I’m not accusing you of being in this category, but guess what I was more meaning was by listening without making snap judgments or trying to see where the other side is coming from and expressing reasons behind beliefs without having an attitude that comes across as “holier-than-thou”.

yeh you’re definitely right kaws. I know from experience actually. I think people need to understand where someone is coming from. Humility is very important. I think it’s bad if someone tells their problem or issue and all other people do is see who can be more extreme in condemning it.

I seriously thought about that before and find that happens pretty frequently on this board. I’m not saying anyone in particular is bad or anything, I’m just saying, people will try to explain a situation and I see a lack of compassion. People are just like, I think you should just stop doing that now, without trying to understand the situation at all.

It’s like if someone said they go to Mass every day except oen day because they play poker, then it’s like some people would get very angry at that person and say they are doing something wrong and they should just go to Mass instead and all that, without trying to understand them.

 

[kaws]

Yeah, kaws is a pretty cool dude, among many others here (I wholly approve of his taste in art, if that nick is taken from KAWS the street/pop artist! )

Thanks Although it would be closer to call me a “gal” than a “dude”

I am interested in art and actually an artist myself, but the name came from other sources. I wasn’t familiar with the street/pop artist KAWS, but now I will definitely have to do some googling/wiki and check him out!

 

[withwind]

Hello all,

They say this is against their family morals and that they do not want their daughter dating me.
Steve

Hi Steve, they are right about protecting their daughter in raising her to become good Catholic. What you do and believe are just not what they are agreed with. It doesn’t matter how nice or how much money you make, those moral issues are more important to many devout Catholics.

They probably don’t hate you, but they want their daughter to date someone who is of the same faith and sharing the same value on such moral issues.