The real truth about my sex life - HELP

[BlueEyedLady]

I am fully prepared to believe that what the OP is describing falls under ‘normal’. But I also think that given the pain that it’s causing her husband, it’s time to stop breastfeeding and start working with doctors and/or a counselor to get things back on track. The OP is not wrong for her postpartum hormonal response. But she is responsible for believing that her husband needs to “fix” his desires rather than trying to work to move forward.

 

[fpt]

Dear Readers,

I have lurked here a long time, and I feel so frustrated that I finally feel like I need to post. I really appreciate people’s reading my “story” and offering suggestions or even frank observations. I am at my wit’s end!

Have been married nine years, and in that time I have had four great kids. My youngest is 9 months old and my oldest is almost 8. That’s a lot of kids in a short amount of time. I am a stay-home mom and my husband works really hard to support us. He is a great guy! I made a really wise decision to marry him. We are alike in so many ways, we almost never argue.

Except about one thing.

Our sex life.

Ugh. I just don’t want to have sex. I haven’t really “wanted” to since after my first baby was born. I have been nursing and breeding since that time, and I just don’t feel like my hormones are screaming for me to “get pregnant again!” I am pretty overwhelmed at home (it’s not my husband’s fault, he does half the housework and tons of childcare, I am just… you know… kinda burned out.) I feel this is purely biological, my body just knows a pregnancy is not a good idea right now so obviously I don’t have the chemicals surging that I need to to WANT sex. I honestly feel like I would be happy NEVER to have sex again. My husband touching me makes my skin crawl. Not because he is a gross person, but because I know what he wants.

His sex drive is pretty high and he believes that sex is absolutely integral to a healthy marriage. He does not like feeling that he is “raping” me when I am not enjoying the sex. He wants me to like it. I can’t. I try. I do try to act and pretend for his sake. But he sees right through the falseness, and then feels like he is using my body to masturbate himself. How can I make myself want something that seems so off-putting? I just want to go to bed. Or read a magazine. Or take a bath. For years. Seriously, I do not ever, ever want sex. I don’t want to be pregnant (neither does he), and I just want my body left alone for a while.

I try to tell him that all day I have kids all over me, nursing, needing their butts wiped, needing to be carried and fed and cleaned - I am not a touchy person by nature so at the end of the day when my husband wants a piece of my body I just CRINGE. I want to scream at him to stop needing me to give even more of myself when I feel I have zero to give. He says I am cold and that my turning him down hurts him. He does not understand how a person does not want sex…ever.

I don’t know what to do, but I don’t want to ruin my marriage. I want my husband to be happy, but I also wish he understood what it feels like to really, really not want to have sex. He has no idea and can’t even imagine it. He says I need to fix my sex drive, but I say he should fix his! His ideal frequency is about 3 times per week (okay, it’s every day, but he says he would be really satisfied with 3 days a week), and mine is absolutely NEVER.

Sometimes when I know I have to have sex with my husband I drink a few glasses of wine so that it’s easier to get it over with. Isn’t that awful!?

Any advice?

**The etiological seeking **is very important: that is a duty, obligation and a right for you, for your husband and thus for your couple.

You need to talk to a catholic priest, to a catholic philosopher, to a catholic theologian and a catholic lawyer for understanding what are your conjugal rights, your conjugal obligations, your conjugal duties and what are his conjugal rights, his conjugal obligations and his conjugal duties. The marriage is a sexed and sexual contract and an sexed and sexual institution. The day of the wedding, the conjugal vow means a mutual, reciprocal, bilateral, equal and equitable donation of persons (body, soul and heart), and a reception of persons (body, soul and heart). The right to the body, the right on the body, the right on the body, the conjugal sexual rights on the body of the other is one of the hard cores of the mariage. What are the list of your essential obligations, your essential duties and your essential debts toward your husband, sexually speaking? What are your primary obligations and your secondary obligations about the conjugal sexuality? What are the list of his essential obligations, his essential duties and his essential debts toward his wife, sexually speaking? What are his primary obligations and his secondary obligations about the conjugal sexuality?
And
You need to visit a catholic psychologist, a catholic midwife, a catholic psychiatrist, a catholic nurse, a catholic psychoanalyst, a catholic general doctor, a catholic gynecologist, a catholic adviser of marriage in order to identify the reasons of your difficulties. Also, you need to realize some tests and exams for helping to understand what happens.

What are the physical issues, the mental issues, the moral issues, the psychological issues, the psychical issues, the sensible issues, the physiological issues, the cultural issues, the sentimental issues, the affective issues, the spiritual issues, the love issues, the educational issues, the sensual issues, the sexual issues, the erotic issues, the job issues, the motherhood issues, the fatherhood issues, the issues of N.F.P…etc???

 

[phillylawyer]

**The etiological seeking **is very important: that is a duty, obligation and a right for you, for your husband and thus for your couple.

You need to talk to a catholic priest, to a catholic philosopher, to a catholic theologian and a catholic lawyer for understanding what are your conjugal rights, your conjugal obligations, your conjugal duties and what are his conjugal rights, his conjugal obligations and his conjugal duties. The marriage is a sexed and sexual contract and an sexed and sexual institution. The day of the wedding, the conjugal vow means a mutual, reciprocal, bilateral, equal and equitable donation of persons (body, soul and heart), and a reception of persons (body, soul and heart). The right to the body, the right on the body, the right on the body, the conjugal sexual rights on the body of the other is one of the hard cores of the mariage. What are the list of your essential obligations, your essential duties and your essential debts toward your husband, sexually speaking? What are your primary obligations and your secondary obligations about the conjugal sexuality? What are the list of his essential obligations, his essential duties and his essential debts toward his wife, sexually speaking? What are his primary obligations and his secondary obligations about the conjugal sexuality?
And
You need to visit a catholic psychologist, a catholic midwife, a catholic psychiatrist, a catholic nurse, a catholic psychoanalyst, a catholic general doctor, a catholic gynecologist, a catholic adviser of marriage in order to identify the reasons of your difficulties. Also, you need to realize some tests and exams for helping to understand what happens.

What are the physical issues, the mental issues, the moral issues, the psychological issues, the psychical issues, the sensible issues, the physiological issues, the cultural issues, the sentimental issues, the affective issues, the spiritual issues, the love issues, the educational issues, the sensual issues, the sexual issues, the erotic issues, the job issues, the motherhood issues, the fatherhood issues, the issues of N.F.P…etc???

No. As a husband (or a wife) you don’t have the right to demand conjugal relations. The sacrament of marriage is not contractual obligation for sex.

It is certainly true that in marriage both parties promise to give themselves fully to their spouses. And, spouse have an obligation to try to love their spouse (including physically) as best as possible, even when it is difficult. However, marriage is not mutually agreed to set of contractually obligations that one can (or should enforce) in a court of law. It’s a covenant.

As with our wonderful Catholic faith, it’s not a question of “Either Or” but “Both And.” It is perfectly understandable for a husband to feel hurt and upset when his wife feels an aversion to intimacy, but he should make every effort to exercise heroic virtue and model after St. Joseph and be patient and understanding with his wife and the mother of his children. It is also natural and understandable for a woman (and a man at times) to be effected by hormonal and physical changes to have these feelings. Feelings are not sinful. However, it is also important for the wife to make every effort to understand where the husband is coming from, understand her feelings, and work to love her husband as best as she can.

Just my two cents.

Blessing and prayers to the original poster and her family. Sounds like a very sweet lady and her (and her husband’s) heart is in the right place.

 

[fpt]

No. As a husband (or a wife) you don’t have the right to demand conjugal relations. The sacrament of marriage is not contractual obligation for sex.

It is certainly true that in marriage both parties promise to give themselves fully to their spouses. And, spouse have an obligation to try to love their spouse (including physically) as best as possible, even when it is difficult. However, marriage is not mutually agreed to set of contractually obligations that one can (or should enforce) in a court of law. It’s a covenant.

As with our wonderful Catholic faith, it’s not a question of “Either Or” but “Both And.” It is perfectly understandable for a husband to feel hurt and upset when his wife feels an aversion to intimacy, but he should make every effort to exercise heroic virtue and model after St. Joseph and be patient and understanding with his wife and the mother of his children. It is also natural and understandable for a woman (and a man at times) to be effected by hormonal and physical changes to have these feelings. Feelings are not sinful. However, it is also important for the wife to make every effort to understand where the husband is coming from, understand her feelings, and work to love her husband as best as she can.

Just my two cents.

Blessing and prayers to the original poster and her family. Sounds like a very sweet lady and her (and her husband’s) heart is in the right place.

Sorry, but for the catholicism the marriage is a natural contract and a natural institution, and the persons are the objects of this particular contract. It is a donation and a reception of persons (body, soul and heart). The donation of persons means the donation of souls, the donation of hearts and the donation of bodies. This donation has to be mutual, reciprocal, total and bilateral. **The body of wife becomes the body of husband, the body of husband becomes the body of wife: it is the donation of bodies, for making one flesh, in the human fashion, with sexual cooperation.**The exchange of vows of marriage implies the donation of nudities: the wife offers / gives her own nudity to her husband, the husband offers / gives his own nudity to her wife: the right to see, to look at, to stare the nudity of the other, the obligation and the duty to show the nudity to the other, the right to receive and to take the nudity of the other, the marital debt, the conjugal sexual obligations, the conjugal sexual duties, the conjugal sexual rights, the obligation, the duty and the right to the sexual cooperation, in the human fashion. The terms of “human fashion” means in the respect of the human nature.

For information:

“In the human manner” is coming from the Canon Law, what means the respect of the natural moral order of the marital act, in three moments (before, during and after).

In the canon law:

Can. 1061 §1 A valid marriage between baptised persons is said to be merely ratified, if it is not consummated; ratified and consummated, if the spouses have in a human manner engaged together in a conjugal act in itself apt for the generation of offspring. To this act marriage is by its nature ordered and by it the spouses become one flesh.

If the spouses have in a human manner engaged together in a conjugal act in itself apt for the generation of offspring. To this act marriage is by its nature ordered and by it the spouses become one flesh???

Can. 1095 The following are incapable of contracting marriage:

1° those who lack sufficient use of reason;

2° those who suffer from a grave lack of discretionary judgement concerning the essential matrimonial rights and obligations to be mutually given and accepted;
*
The essential matrimonial rights and obligations to be mutually given and accepted, conjugally sexually speaking???*

3° those who, because of causes of a psychological nature, are unable to assume the essential obligations of marriage.
*
The essential obligations of marriage, conjugally sexually speaking???
*
Can. 1096 §1 For matrimonial consent to exist, it is necessary that the contracting parties be at least not ignorant of the fact that marriage is a permanent partnership between a man and a woman, ordered to the procreation of children through some form of sexual cooperation.

Through some form of sexual cooperation, conjugally sexually speaking???

The triptych (right / obligation / duty) stays, even if that can be seen like a odd thing. The right of the body, the right on the body and the right to the body are catholic notions, it is like that, I am sorry.

 

[BusyMom30]

**The etiological seeking **is very important: that is a duty, obligation and a right for you, for your husband and thus for your couple.

You need to talk to a catholic priest, to a catholic philosopher, to a catholic theologian and a catholic lawyer for understanding what are your conjugal rights, your conjugal obligations, your conjugal duties and what are his conjugal rights, his conjugal obligations and his conjugal duties. The marriage is a sexed and sexual contract and an sexed and sexual institution. The day of the wedding, the conjugal vow means a mutual, reciprocal, bilateral, equal and equitable donation of persons (body, soul and heart), and a reception of persons (body, soul and heart). The right to the body, the right on the body, the right on the body, the conjugal sexual rights on the body of the other is one of the hard cores of the mariage. What are the list of your essential obligations, your essential duties and your essential debts toward your husband, sexually speaking? What are your primary obligations and your secondary obligations about the conjugal sexuality? What are the list of his essential obligations, his essential duties and his essential debts toward his wife, sexually speaking? What are his primary obligations and his secondary obligations about the conjugal sexuality?
And
You need to visit a catholic psychologist, a catholic midwife, a catholic psychiatrist, a catholic nurse, a catholic psychoanalyst, a catholic general doctor, a catholic gynecologist, a catholic adviser of marriage in order to identify the reasons of your difficulties. Also, you need to realize some tests and exams for helping to understand what happens.

What are the physical issues, the mental issues, the moral issues, the psychological issues, the psychical issues, the sensible issues, the physiological issues, the cultural issues, the sentimental issues, the affective issues, the spiritual issues, the love issues, the educational issues, the sensual issues, the sexual issues, the erotic issues, the job issues, the motherhood issues, the fatherhood issues, the issues of N.F.P…etc???

I’m sorry, I don’t really understand anything you’ve said. So many lists!

 

[fpt]

I’m sorry, I don’t really understand anything you’ve said. So many lists!

You need to try to understand the “why” and the reasons of your sexual difficulties. You should to be helped by catholic professionals for understanding what happens: priests, theologians, philosophers, medical doctors, nurses, midwives, canon lawyers, psychologists and psychoanalysts are here for trying to solve the several issues of the marriage.

 

[fpt]

No. As a husband (or a wife) you don’t have the right to demand conjugal relations. The sacrament of marriage is not contractual obligation for sex.

It is certainly true that in marriage both parties promise to give themselves fully to their spouses. And, spouse have an obligation to try to love their spouse (including physically) as best as possible, even when it is difficult. However, marriage is not mutually agreed to set of contractually obligations that one can (or should enforce) in a court of law. It’s a covenant.

As with our wonderful Catholic faith, it’s not a question of “Either Or” but “Both And.” It is perfectly understandable for a husband to feel hurt and upset when his wife feels an aversion to intimacy, but he should make every effort to exercise heroic virtue and model after St. Joseph and be patient and understanding with his wife and the mother of his children. It is also natural and understandable for a woman (and a man at times) to be effected by hormonal and physical changes to have these feelings. Feelings are not sinful. However, it is also important for the wife to make every effort to understand where the husband is coming from, understand her feelings, and work to love her husband as best as she can.

Just my two cents.

Blessing and prayers to the original poster and her family. Sounds like a very sweet lady and her (and her husband’s) heart is in the right place.

The regime of the natural moral order of the conjugal sexuality is: the rights, the obligations and the duties of each one (the active rights, the passive rights, the active obligations, the passive obligations, the active duties, the passive duties). The regime of the unilateral refusal of practicing of the marital act and the regime of the bilateral refusal of practicing of the marital act is.

Each spouse has to justify, morally speaking, a refusal of the practice of the marital act.
In catholicism, the practice of the marital act is the rule and the principle, the non practice is the exception.

Each spouse has obligations of means concerning the conjugal sexuality. Each has to make efforts and sacrifices, in positive and in negative.

 

[phillylawyer]

The regime of the natural moral order of the conjugal sexuality is: the rights, the obligations and the duties of each one (the active rights, the passive rights, the active obligations, the passive obligations, the active duties, the passive duties). The regime of the unilateral refusal of practicing of the marital act and the regime of the bilateral refusal of practicing of the marital act is.

Each spouse has to justify, morally speaking, a refusal of the practice of the marital act.
In catholicism, the practice of the marital act is the rule and the principle, the non practice is the exception.

Each spouse has obligations of means concerning the conjugal sexuality. Each has to make efforts and sacrifices, in positive and in negative.

I don’t want to sidetrack this thread by getting into a theological/philosophical debate about your etymology.

I will just say, I can imagine what would happen if I came home and shouted out “Honey, I am now enforcing my contractual and marital rights to your nudity and sexuality that you legally and morally agreed to at that legal closing we had a few years ago that you might casually refer to as our “wedding day.” If you aren’t prepared to immediately satisfy your contractual end of this sexual agreement, you will need to clearly justify, morally speaking, your refusal to succumb to the requested enforcement of my right to the marital act.”

I can tell you, it wouldn’t be pretty!

 

[fpt]

The regime of the natural moral order of the conjugal sexuality is: the rights, the obligations and the duties of each one (the active rights, the passive rights, the active obligations, the passive obligations, the active duties, the passive duties). The regime of the unilateral refusal of practicing of the marital act and the regime of the bilateral refusal of practicing of the marital act are catholic.

Each spouse has to justify, morally speaking, a refusal of the practice of the marital act.
In catholicism, the practice of the marital act is the rule and the principle, the non practice is the exception.

Each spouse has obligations of means concerning the conjugal sexuality. Each has to make efforts and sacrifices, in positive and in negative.

The marriage is for one part **a physical donation and a physical reception. **The right to the body, the right of the body, the right on the body, the sexual debt, the sexual privileges are elements of this institutional contract / covenant. The fact of saying the contrary is not linked to the catholic tradition.

Of course, the execution of the marital act by the force is, always, morally wrong, but a refusal of the marital act, without a just, objective and real reason, can be immoral.

 

[fpt]

I don’t want to sidetrack this thread by getting into a theological/philosophical debate about your etymology.

I will just say, I can imagine what would happen if I came home and shouted out “Honey, I am now enforcing my contractual and marital rights to your nudity and sexuality that you legally and morally agreed to at that legal closing we had a few years ago that you might casually refer to as our “wedding day.” If you aren’t prepared to immediately satisfy your contractual end of this sexual agreement, you will need to clearly justify, morally speaking, your refusal to succumb to the requested enforcement of my right to the marital act.”

I can tell you, it wouldn’t be pretty!

Your words are funny!!! Of course, each spouse has to be soft, lovable, patient, quiet, charitable and tender, but the catholic doctrine is here for helping to solve the real issues. The moral doctrine is for the discernment and for permitting to give help. The feminism and the masculism are too powerful, even in the catholic couple.

 

[jlc2k2]

The marriage is for one part **a physical donation and a physical reception. **The right to the body, the right of the body, the right on the body, the sexual debt, the sexual privileges are elements of this institutional contract / covenant. The fact of saying the contrary is not linked to the catholic tradition.

Of course, the execution of the marital act by the force is, always, morally wrong, but a refusal of the marital act, without a just, objective and real reason, can be immoral.

But the OP isn’t refusing the marital debt. She’s just not enjoying it and that is causing the friction. Can you speak to that instead?

 

[BusyMom30]

You need to try to understand the “why” and the reasons of your sexual difficulties. You should to be helped by catholic professionals for understanding what happens: priests, theologians, philosophers, medical doctors, nurses, midwives, canon lawyers, psychologists and psychoanalysts are here for trying to solve the several issues of the marriage.

Okay, I totally get I need to figure out why I don’t want to have sex with my husband, who is by and large a very good, helpful and hardworking man. Believe me, I am trying to figure it out.

I am just not sure I need a theologian, philosopher, or a canon lawyer! I don’t even know what I would tell any of those people?

I’ve been to my OB for my annual, and mentioned to her that my sex drive is very low. She said, “Well, you have all those kids, you’re tired, you’re busy, you’re run ragged.” She said that there was nothing physically wrong with me, but that during breastfeeding estrogen is very low, the vaginal tissues atrophy, and the libido decreases. Add that to the normal stress and drudgery of raising a bunch of little kids… She did not think there was anything profoundly “wrong.” She said once my littlest is 3 or 4, and more self-sufficient and less trouble, I would feel better.

And while I do enjoy a massage, a dinner out, a manicure - I’m not sure what I need is an hour or two of relaxation. I feel like I need a couple of weeks to relax on a beach without ANY obligations!

 

[BusyMom30]

But the OP isn’t refusing the marital debt. She’s just not enjoying it and that is causing the friction. Can you speak to that instead?

Right. I am still having sex with my husband once or twice a week. It’s just pretty bad for me. My husband can tell I’m not enjoying anything, and feels badly about it. He says part of the fun is pleasing me, but I don’t want to be pleased, I just want him to get it over with.

Sometimes I wonder if “making” myself have sex is causing serious damage where none previously existed. For example, I started out not wanting sex just because of kids/hormones/exhaustion (which will pass and is fixable), and now there’s this whole other component of feeling repeatedly obligated to do something that I find very, very unpleasant. Kind of like a mother “forcing” tomatoes on an unwilling child, instead of letting the aversion pass naturally.

 

[phillylawyer]

Okay, I totally get I need to figure out why I don’t want to have sex with my husband, who is by and large a very good, helpful and hardworking man. Believe me, I am trying to figure it out.

I am just not sure I need a theologian, philosopher, or a canon lawyer! I don’t even know what I would tell any of those people?

You don’t. It’s a bunch of nonsense. Whenever this topic comes up people feel the need to jump in with some theological commentary about the proper role of sexuality and it’s theological and moral implications. Whether the comments are theologically correct or not, it’s not helpful advice.

And while I do enjoy a massage, a dinner out, a manicure - I’m not sure what I need is an hour or two of relaxation. I feel like I need a couple of weeks to relax on a beach without ANY obligations!

I’m sure you do! I’m sure you deserve one too.

 

[fpt]

Days off and holidays are very important, it is a very good idea. Relaxing days with your friends, personal leisure, personal moments and Co are useful and helpful. But, the knowledge of the moral doctrine of marriage, of the marital act and of the conjugal sexuality is at the spring of all the solutions because each spouse knows what each one has to do for the other, for him and the couple.

For instance: the obligation to know ‘why’ there are difficulties, the tries of treatments, the obligations of be patient, of be tender and of be charitable in positive and in negative, the efforts and sacrifices in positive and negative. **Each one has to be honest and to be good faith toward the other. **

How to be honest toward the other spouse, if the seeking of reasons is not done??? Each one has to make something.

 

[LongingSoul]

Okay, I totally get I need to figure out why I don’t want to have sex with my husband, who is by and large a very good, helpful and hardworking man. Believe me, I am trying to figure it out.

I am just not sure I need a theologian, philosopher, or a canon lawyer! I don’t even know what I would tell any of those people?

I’ve been to my OB for my annual, and mentioned to her that my sex drive is very low. She said, “Well, you have all those kids, you’re tired, you’re busy, you’re run ragged.” She said that there was nothing physically wrong with me, but that during breastfeeding estrogen is very low, the vaginal tissues atrophy, and the libido decreases. Add that to the normal stress and drudgery of raising a bunch of little kids… She did not think there was anything profoundly “wrong.” She said once my littlest is 3 or 4, and more self-sufficient and less trouble, I would feel better.

And while I do enjoy a massage, a dinner out, a manicure - I’m not sure what I need is an hour or two of relaxation. I feel like I need a couple of weeks to relax on a beach without ANY obligations!

If you haven’t already, just explain exactly that to your husband. He has to understand that nature works in this way and that it won’t be forever. I’m nearing menopause and only using the last phase of the cycle which means being available every second day for a week give or take. No way am I in to it for all those days but I’m happy to be ‘available’ and my husband has never seemed to feel that constitutes ‘rape’.

Perhaps if he could come to terms with that aspect for your sake? Someone earlier in the thread made a beautiful post about recognising that ‘availability’ as being true generosity and it could help him weather your postpartum lack of libido. Also, feel assured that men don’t die from not having sex. I know some of the most wonderful men on the planet who practice Catholic marriage and abstinence and have the most loving and strong marriages around. They are the best.

 

[mommamaree]

Right. I am still having sex with my husband once or twice a week. It’s just pretty bad for me. My husband can tell I’m not enjoying anything, and feels badly about it. He says part of the fun is pleasing me, but I don’t want to be pleased, I just want him to get it over with.

Sometimes I wonder if “making” myself have sex is causing serious damage where none previously existed. For example, I started out not wanting sex just because of kids/hormones/exhaustion (which will pass and is fixable), and now there’s this whole other component of feeling repeatedly obligated to do something that I find very, very unpleasant. Kind of like a mother “forcing” tomatoes on an unwilling child, instead of letting the aversion pass naturally.

BusyMom30,
You are already being so generous. I think you are right that forcing yourself to do something that is uncomfortable and unpleasant is harming your emotional well-being and your marriage, and is likely to do years worth of damage to your conjugal life that is very very hard to repair. There have been various times in my marriage, due to constant pregnancies and breastfeeding, that I have had to approach my husband and discuss purposeful abstinence for a period of time. Not for NFP, but for sleep and recovery. This is a biblical thing to do. St. Paul speaks of abstinence for the sake of prayer, but a faithful Catholic wife and mother’s life IS a prayer, in my opinion. When I get to a crisis point, which in the last five years or so, happens every few months, I need a couple of weeks to reset myself, with extra sleep, better nutrition and hydration, and loads of prayer. My husband understands and gives me the space I need. Because we do this regularly (several times a year) he knows it is not forever and is not hurt. I am upfront about it from the beginning for that reason.
So, my specific advice to you, based upon your latest post, is sit down with your husband (as soon as possible) and discuss your need for a time of abstinence. Since you are in such a crisis right now, your length of abstinence may need to be longer. Propose a length of time to him, and then discuss what you both feel you can manage, given your different perspectives. Tell him your intention to pray regarding this, and your focus upon restoring your mind and body so that you can get back to your normal self again. Ask him to please pray hard for you and with you, that God will restore what has been lost in this aspect of your marriage. You might want to go on a TV/media fast. I know that always helps me in my crisis moments. Spend time exploring the Word of God, and find a good Catholic wife/mother devotional book (please do not use a Protestant one because they are so often full of errors with regards to married sexuality). Go for walks or do stretching or other gentle exercises to take care of the needs of your body to move and feel good again.
I know you are unable to go on retreat with the demands of your life right now, so try to make a spiritual and physical retreat at home. This does work! I have used these mini-sabbaticals for years and they never fail to help me. But you need to help your husband understands the turmoil and the trials you are going through. You need his support and encouragement in this process. With my husband, sometimes I will try to communicate something difficult and he might get his feelings hurt because he is not understanding. So I keep talking and trying to explain better, until all of a sudden he gets it. Sometimes it might be one long conversation, whereas other times, it might be lots of shorter conversations. But we keep talking until he gets it. It is sometimes very hard for husbands to understand their wives, without getting defensive or angry or hurt, but it is the work of marriage for a husband to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. And it all begins with believing their wives when they say that they are experiencing something, even if it doesn’t make sense at first.
I really think forcing yourself before you are ready is a recipe for disaster. I think it is far better to take the time to rest and pray and communicate with love and understanding and concern, and wait until your body and mind are able to recover some internal stability, so that when you do come together again as husband and wife in the marital act, you are giving freely out of love and not out of a sense of obligation or fear of offending your husband.
I will continue to pray for you, and I hope that you and your husband are able to strategize soon to start you on the path to being refreshed and joyful again.

 

[phillylawyer]

BusyMom30,
You are already being so generous. I think you are right that forcing yourself to do something that is uncomfortable and unpleasant is harming your emotional well-being and your marriage, and is likely to do years worth of damage to your conjugal life that is very very hard to repair. There have been various times in my marriage, due to constant pregnancies and breastfeeding, that I have had to approach my husband and discuss purposeful abstinence for a period of time. Not for NFP, but for sleep and recovery. This is a biblical thing to do. St. Paul speaks of abstinence for the sake of prayer, but a faithful Catholic wife and mother’s life IS a prayer, in my opinion. When I get to a crisis point, which in the last five years or so, happens every few months, I need a couple of weeks to reset myself, with extra sleep, better nutrition and hydration, and loads of prayer. My husband understands and gives me the space I need. Because we do this regularly (several times a year) he knows it is not forever and is not hurt. I am upfront about it from the beginning for that reason.
So, my specific advice to you, based upon your latest post, is sit down with your husband (as soon as possible) and discuss your need for a time of abstinence. Since you are in such a crisis right now, your length of abstinence may need to be longer. Propose a length of time to him, and then discuss what you both feel you can manage, given your different perspectives. Tell him your intention to pray regarding this, and your focus upon restoring your mind and body so that you can get back to your normal self again. Ask him to please pray hard for you and with you, that God will restore what has been lost in this aspect of your marriage. You might want to go on a TV/media fast. I know that always helps me in my crisis moments. Spend time exploring the Word of God, and find a good Catholic wife/mother devotional book (please do not use a Protestant one because they are so often full of errors with regards to married sexuality). Go for walks or do stretching or other gentle exercises to take care of the needs of your body to move and feel good again.
I know you are unable to go on retreat with the demands of your life right now, so try to make a spiritual and physical retreat at home. This does work! I have used these mini-sabbaticals for years and they never fail to help me. But you need to help your husband understands the turmoil and the trials you are going through. You need his support and encouragement in this process. With my husband, sometimes I will try to communicate something difficult and he might get his feelings hurt because he is not understanding. So I keep talking and trying to explain better, until all of a sudden he gets it. Sometimes it might be one long conversation, whereas other times, it might be lots of shorter conversations. But we keep talking until he gets it. It is sometimes very hard for husbands to understand their wives, without getting defensive or angry or hurt, but it is the work of marriage for a husband to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. And it all begins with believing their wives when they say that they are experiencing something, even if it doesn’t make sense at first.
I really think forcing yourself before you are ready is a recipe for disaster. I think it is far better to take the time to rest and pray and communicate with love and understanding and concern, and wait until your body and mind are able to recover some internal stability, so that when you do come together again as husband and wife in the marital act, you are giving freely out of love and not out of a sense of obligation or fear of offending your husband.
I will continue to pray for you, and I hope that you and your husband are able to strategize soon to start you on the path to being refreshed and joyful again.

This is excellent advice. The discussion of the husband’s perspective is right on the money!

 

[Xantippe]

Well, I’m a married childless man. And trust me, I know darn well that married life isn’t an “endless sexapalooza” as you put it. I also understand that should my wife suffer some unusual disability in the future, that sex would not be a part of our lives at all.

That said, yes, the thought that my wife will find me sexually revolting and get creeped out whenever I try to touch her in such a way for an entire year does worry me. Frankly, it would worry me more if I didn’t feel that way. What the heck kind of husband would I be if that didn’t worry me?

Also, while I have no doubt that the OP’s feelings are genuine and deserve to be taken into full account, I’m not going to discount the husband’s feelings either. You talk about how normal this is—I’ll remind you that it’s also normal for a husband to feel hurt by 9 months of physical rejection, whether there’s a good reason for that or not.

Your wife being temporarily disgusted by sex isn’t inevitable postpartum, but it’s a definite possibility. (Remember, in most other animal species, the female is ONLY receptive to sexual contact when in heat, so the human female willingness to engage in sexual activity when infertile is a pretty big bonus.)

You’ll know in advance to manage your expectations if this happens to your wife. As I’ve mentioned upthread, Vicki Iovine has some very good advice on managing the disappearance of female libido.

Everybody’s feelings are normal, but the trick is not to accidentally turn a blip into a crisis or a tragedy.

Also, remember that postpartum NFP is very difficult, and there is a high chance of a rapid accidental repeat pregnancy, which might further tank the wife’s libido. The payoff for extensive postpartum abstinence is that one can get past the dicey kinda fertile kinda not fertile months into regular cycles and then practice normal NFP with minimal worries, which would presumably do a lot for the wife’s sexual desire. It’s kind of a pay now, benefit later deal–there’s a lot to be gained from being patient and loving and not rushing.

Good luck!

 

[Xantippe]

Okay, I totally get I need to figure out why I don’t want to have sex with my husband, who is by and large a very good, helpful and hardworking man. Believe me, I am trying to figure it out.

I am just not sure I need a theologian, philosopher, or a canon lawyer! I don’t even know what I would tell any of those people?

I’ve been to my OB for my annual, and mentioned to her that my sex drive is very low. She said, “Well, you have all those kids, you’re tired, you’re busy, you’re run ragged.” She said that there was nothing physically wrong with me, but that during breastfeeding estrogen is very low, the vaginal tissues atrophy, and the libido decreases. Add that to the normal stress and drudgery of raising a bunch of little kids… She did not think there was anything profoundly “wrong.” She said once my littlest is 3 or 4, and more self-sufficient and less trouble, I would feel better.

Yep.

And while I do enjoy a massage, a dinner out, a manicure - I’m not sure what I need is an hour or two of relaxation. I feel like I need a couple of weeks to relax on a beach without ANY obligations!

Start with an hour or two when you can get it and see how far you get.

My youngest is bigger than yours (almost 2), but I’ve recently started claiming the slot of time between dinner and bedtime snack as mommy time, which (when I can get it), I devote to such activities as a bath with a book or magazine, some solitary grocery shopping, or checking emails all by myself.