The reason most women leave their husbands

[TheAdvocate]

I wrote something very long up for this thread but unfortunately my browser ate my lunch so I’ll have to summarize.

The top reason women leave their husbands, break up with their boyfriends, etc. is not because they aren’t sensitive enough or whatever, it’s because they’re too sensitive. Women feel emotionally fulfilled when they feel safe and secure with their men and in the knowledge that they are with the best man they could possibly get. It’s hypergamy pure and simple. It’s an instinctual feeling that is a huge part of the survival mechanism. Women only get “one chance”; that is they can only have a child by one man at a time so it better be the best man they can get out there.

Men of course are naturally polygamous but their instincts change a bit once they have children or even start thinking of offspring and how to best raise them. Nevertheless, that polygamous mechanism is always ticking in there until late middle age but can satiated by a) self-control b) sexual availability of the wife and c) maintaining physical, emotional and spiritual attractiveness on the part of the wife.

Back to the women though. Advocate, you’ve made it clear that you either enjoy getting flat out run over by your wife or you don’t know what to do. Frankly I’m bad at advice, especially in this circumstance. But the best I can give you is for you to show a steely spine. Don’t be cruel, don’t be mean and ESPECIALLY don’t be petty. But stand up for yourself and make it clear that she’s the one at fault here. Reverse the heat but do it in a way that doesn’t make you sound pathetic, instead do it in a way that demonstrates that while you’re hurt, you can find a better woman and you will. An amused chuckle, even if forced, can go a long way in this situation.

Stop with the flowers. Stop with the romantic gestures. This woman is shredding your heart and her contract with God and you’re coming to HER? No. That will only serve to cement the idea that you’re not the best man she can find and if she can bully you, she can’t be safe with you. Find a way to be dismissive of her complaints, reverse the heat and tell her that you’ll pray for her. Then calmly close the door on her. If there’s anything that can “win her back” it’s showing that you don’t need her… even if that’s something you have to fake.

Believe it or not, I have read many relationship “win her back” articles that say the same thing you have: show her that you’re just fine without her, that you don’t need her to be happy, give her her space, etc.

Believe me, after I cut her from the money, she’s really been feeling the pinch. Bucket, I’d really appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut for my thread regarding cutting her from the money.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=468440

Thanks for your “take no prisoners” advice. Whether you’re right or wrong, you seem like a straight shooter.

 

[gretahope]

I wrote something very long up for this thread but unfortunately my browser ate my lunch so I’ll have to summarize.

The top reason women leave their husbands, break up with their boyfriends, etc. is not because they aren’t sensitive enough or whatever, it’s because they’re too sensitive. Women feel emotionally fulfilled when they feel safe and secure with their men and in the knowledge that they are with the best man they could possibly get. It’s hypergamy pure and simple. It’s an instinctual feeling that is a huge part of the survival mechanism. Women only get “one chance”; that is they can only have a child by one man at a time so it better be the best man they can get out there.

Men of course are naturally polygamous but their instincts change a bit once they have children or even start thinking of offspring and how to best raise them. Nevertheless, that polygamous mechanism is always ticking in there until late middle age but can satiated by a) self-control b) sexual availability of the wife and c) maintaining physical, emotional and spiritual attractiveness on the part of the wife.

Back to the women though. Advocate, you’ve made it clear that you either enjoy getting flat out run over by your wife or you don’t know what to do. Frankly I’m bad at advice, especially in this circumstance. But the best I can give you is for you to show a steely spine. Don’t be cruel, don’t be mean and ESPECIALLY don’t be petty. But stand up for yourself and make it clear that she’s the one at fault here. Reverse the heat but do it in a way that doesn’t make you sound pathetic, instead do it in a way that demonstrates that while you’re hurt, you can find a better woman and you will. An amused chuckle, even if forced, can go a long way in this situation.

Stop with the flowers. Stop with the romantic gestures. This woman is shredding your heart and her contract with God and you’re coming to HER? No. That will only serve to cement the idea that you’re not the best man she can find and if she can bully you, she can’t be safe with you. Find a way to be dismissive of her complaints, reverse the heat and tell her that you’ll pray for her. Then calmly close the door on her. If there’s anything that can “win her back” it’s showing that you don’t need her… even if that’s something you have to fake.

Actually, Bucket, I think you’re GREAT with advice. (…and I chuckle at your user name!)
I used to have a car I called “the Bucket.”

Anyway, are you male? I don’t mean to hijack Advocate’s thread, but I must say I know that as a female it drives me crazy when I can’t get a sure, true, clear answer or perspective from my H. He is so passive in so many areas, and says that it works better for him to wait til things are critical for him to deal w/ anything. Hence, our chaotic marriage and me feeling completely buried in responsibility, with 3 kids–2 special needs, and now him with a chronic illness and not working. It’s just so overwhelming as to be funny.
You hit the nail on the head in regards to women (me anyway) wanting safety, clear-cut messages from H’s, instead of H’s bending over backwards trying so hard to be romantic and accomodating…especially when there’s so much to do everyday, and the wife is left with all the decisions to make b/c the H wants to do what the wife wants to do! Arghh! I would give my right arm for him to just take things on and do them! I have double work b/c without him taking the initiative I have to then think of things to tell him to do! It’s simply too much…so much easier to be alone. Yet I believe in marriage as a sacrament as well…but things are falling all around me, my health as well!

There’s a song out now (Christian) from the H’s perspective about what the wife has asked for called “Lead Me”— “Lead me with strong hands, stand up when I can’t, show them you’re willing to fight…” The world wants a man to be emotionally sort of sappy and almost like a woman. I want my H to stand up and take some stands on things, to lead my boys into what it’s important for men to be: to be strong, willing to make hard choices, to be clear, to be a spiritual leader. Yes, it’s great that changed diapers…but when it meant that he didn’t care that the bills weren’t paid or that he blew off his boss’s request, it wasn’t that great. No, I’m not saying that I want a robot…but I am exhausted by trying to be both Mom and Dad.
help?

 

[The_Bucket]

Actually, Bucket, I think you’re GREAT with advice. (…and I chuckle at your user name!)
I used to have a car I called “the Bucket.”

Thanks. It’s an old college nickname that doesn’t really have a great backstory except that I had a buddy who loved to give his friends about 20 nicknames so he could use a new one everyday. Whatever.

Anyway, are you male?

Yes.

I don’t mean to hijack Advocate’s thread, but I must say I know that as a female it drives me crazy when I can’t get a sure, true, clear answer or perspective from my H. He is so passive in so many areas, and says that it works better for him to wait til things are critical for him to deal w/ anything. Hence, our chaotic marriage and me feeling completely buried in responsibility, with 3 kids–2 special needs, and now him with a chronic illness and not working. It’s just so overwhelming as to be funny.
You hit the nail on the head in regards to women (me anyway) wanting safety, clear-cut messages from H’s, instead of H’s bending over backwards trying so hard to be romantic and accomodating…especially when there’s so much to do everyday, and the wife is left with all the decisions to make b/c the H wants to do what the wife wants to do! Arghh! I would give my right arm for him to just take things on and do them!

I’ve learned this from my wife. It’s weird though, she was a fiercely independent person as a young woman but I think her experiences on her own led her to desire that security even more. What’s really tough for us men is to walk that line of being in charge but not patronizing, you know? Women want that first officer/CEO role and are plenty capable of that position but at the same time they want to know that their men are behind them and ultimately responsible for everything. Couple that natural desire with a woman who at 18 tried to be as totally independent from her parents as possible (while still being respectful) and it’s a tough road to hoe for us guys!

I have double work b/c without him taking the initiative I have to then think of things to tell him to do! It’s simply too much…so much easier to be alone. Yet I believe in marriage as a sacrament as well…but things are falling all around me, my health as well!

This is where you have to gently nudge him and dangle the possibility of earning respect and admiration if he does it. Outright challenging his manhood is never good, not to say you do that, but you have to give him a hint that you want him to take the lead and that he will earn your praise and respect if he does so.

There’s a song out now (Christian) from the H’s perspective about what the wife has asked for called “Lead Me”— “Lead me with strong hands, stand up when I can’t, show them you’re willing to fight…” The world wants a man to be emotionally sort of sappy and almost like a woman. I want my H to stand up and take some stands on things, to lead my boys into what it’s important for men to be: to be strong, willing to make hard choices, to be clear, to be a spiritual leader. Yes, it’s great that changed diapers…but when it meant that he didn’t care that the bills weren’t paid or that he blew off his boss’s request, it wasn’t that great. No, I’m not saying that I want a robot…but I am exhausted by trying to be both Mom and Dad.
help?

I can’t help you with that one. I can say that it’s very nerve wracking to be the guy in charge when you’re not even sure of yourself. I’m just a guy in his mid-20s but I’m already married and have two little ones. My wife stays at home and while I agree with that mentality it can be tough to make the budget. Now we’re faced with a decision to move and while the new job would pay 20% more the area is slightly more expensive and the hassle of moving makes me very nervous. I try my best to hide that from my wife but I’m not very good and it makes HER uncomfortable that I’m nervous, especially about something like this.

I think your husband might benefit from you sitting down and saying “Honey, I want you to take the lead and if it can only be at one area of life, that’s fine. That would be great in fact.” If he can’t work, well that’s not really his fault. But he should then take up the role of day to day caring for the kids and the house and really ensure he’s in the lead with the spiritual side. Not being able to work to give your kids food is really hard on a man, but if you make it clear that he’s just as much a man as he’s ever been if he can find a way to lead the family in ways besides making money I think that might help.

 

[Elizabeth502]

I have not read through the whole thread, but the OP’s situation illustrates what is diffiuclt about marriage in general: communication styles between men and women. I doubt that his wife left him for trivial reasons – but if she did, I agree with others that she is immature. If she did not articulate “concrete” reasons (reasons that can be explained, with examples) about why she left, than she is also at fault.

For the vast majority of couples, the most difficult thing about marriage is the communication: how they communicate, what they communicate, and when/how often they communicate. There is, can be, a “translation” problem between men and women. For example, a very, very typical female perception that if the man says nothing, it means he’s unhappy, or if the man doesn’t specifically compliment, he’s internally criiticizing. (Often it’s the opposite!) Men do (sometimes) need “training” in how women receive their silence, and how to bridge that, but women equally need training in how men communicate nonverbally, and in how they perceive.

Rather than filing divorce papers, what’s wrong with marriage counseling? Good couples- counseling can help illustrate how communicaiton is at an impasse, and where the mixed signals or opposing signals are. When a wife “just walks away” from a marriage, she has also failed in her responsiblity as an equal partner, if she has not expressed what’s eating her, and has not suggested specific ways to repair that. When we enter into marriage, we also enter into a promise to try everything to stay together. Silent departure is a passive-aggressive way to deal with frustration and disappointment.

 

[onmyknees]

Thank you for the candor—nothing else will do. I don’t know what else to do—prayer is all I’ve got, but I fear I am beginning to lose faith a bit.

I think you are correct about her feminist/secular schooling of marriage.

Gosh, my parents easily could have gotten a divorce. My dad was an addicted gambler and we went bankrupt twice. My mom, in order to get his attention, turned to drinking. There was no romance in those old-fashioned marriages, or at least it played a smaller role. My parents never went to date night—ever.

But what they did have was commitment. Good or bad, they were married and they stuck together, and they are better for it today. And so am I.

I am not saying that romance isn’t important in today’s day and age, but first there has to be a commitment to the notion of marriage, namely that it’s a union by and in Christ that is indissoluble. As much as possible, if it isn’t working, you make it work. But these days people just give up so soon.

I have serious doubts regarding the sacramentality of our marriage and am sorely tempted to initiate the divorce myself. We’ve been living apart for 6 months now, she already filed the papers, but it’s taking her lawyers forever to serve me—I don’t know if they’re too busy or what. I just want to put the “marriage” out of its misery and move on with my life.

Anyway, thanks for listening…

Hi Advocate,

I am going to pray for your marriage also. I think you could just keep praying for her like my friend did for her dh, He went off with another woman and after she got over her anger she prayed for him for 30 years because she knew that in the eyes of God they were still married. And guess what he came back after 30 years of praying and they are happily married now. I think my friend is already a saint!

Anyways, I agree with you that the old fashion marriages worked best. My mom and dad had six kids and sacrificed for each other all the time. They didn’t even think of the word divorce. They had lots couple friends at their parish and none of them got a divorce. Commitment to each other was following Christ’s will for them and you are right they are better people for it. They were not spoiled like the next generations. They made due with what little they had.

Now in my marriage it is quite different. I married at 18 and to a non-Catholilc which I know was a bit mistake. He did not want a big family like I did and so we both got kind of spoiled. We can’t have Christ as the center of our marriage together so it makes it even harder. I try hard every day to sacrifice and not get into it with him but I keep falling. I, like your wife long for communication with him. I have lovingly told him that I would love it if he would just talk to me more. He listens when the T.V. is off but he never will open up to me. I have tried all kinds of things so that I can know what is in his heart but he just doesn’t like to talk about things. He has never said that he loves me or complimented me in our 32 years of marriage. Although, I would never leave him for these little complaints. I just get so lonely. When I am in so much pain from my spinal disease he doesn’t want to show any empathy. He said that people should just do for themselves and not expect anything. He broke his heel once and after surgery and he would not the doctor send him to physical therapy or let me help him out at all. And I guess I am a hopeless romantic too because my dad was so romantic to my mom. They would dance together in the kitchen before dinner, he always knew her favorite candy and perfume and would never forget to buy it for her on the special occasions, and he would tell her how much he loved her. I know it is not fair to compare my dh to my dad but when he will never dance with me or hug me for no reason and I feel sad. I go and pray and think how he works hard, fixes things, loves me, has relations with me, and is faithful. Then I feel ashamed for ever even complaining to him.

 

[Tracyms1974]

Hey there.

I read your story. If I saw that you were trying to change things for the better towards the end like you were, then I personally would have given you another chance. She should have forgiven you for your previous neglect if you were trying to turn things around as you say and being nothing but sincere about it. That’s really a shame.

FYI - I left my husband due to verbal and emotional abuse.

Tracy

 

[Corinne3]

Hi Tracy:

I want desperately to get out of my horrible marriage of 20 years at this point, but I have no job, no money, no car, no options, no one to live with, etc. I have nothing right now of my own. I am so trapped. It is hard to even get myself on my feet with him still living here, and doing what he’s doing. He lies about it right and left too. He tells me “if I don’t like it I can get out”. This is real loving…

My h has been a porn addict our whole marriage which I didn’t find out about until 6 months into it. Now he is addicted to nude strippers. He lusts after women every where we go, is still carrying on in an affair with one now for the past 3 years. I HATE him, yet you have to have a job, and someplace to live for you to even move. THIS is total emotionally abusive.

In our last counseling session, I said if I ever found out about any more strip club going, he would be thrown out again. Well, I found out, and now he refuses to leave. (He left 4 times in the past 2 years, at my insistence).

I feel I ruined my chances God gave me to get out of my marriage 4 times in the past 2 years because I was not strong enough. I have totally reached my limit now!!! To the point of not being able to stand him, barely looking at him. I have 0 love, 0 respect for him left. He doesn’t seem to care as he treats me like dirt.

I really need your prayers. I need a way out. WHY is God keeping me chained to this horrible situation??? I’m beginning to feel abandoned by God too.

Back to the OP’s original thread. If a spouse is fooling around with someone else, this is mistreatment, and obviously the other spouse doesn’t feel loved. Do you blame them?

He disrespects me in front of our teenaged son all the time, raises his voice at me. It’s horrible. I am battered and abused.

 

[Tracyms1974]

Hi Tracy:

I want desperately to get out of my horrible marriage of 20 years at this point, but I have no job, no money, no car, no options, no one to live with, etc. I have nothing right now of my own. I am so trapped. It is hard to even get myself on my feet with him still living here, and doing what he’s doing. He lies about it right and left too. He tells me “if I don’t like it I can get out”. This is real loving…

My h has been a porn addict our whole marriage which I didn’t find out about until 6 months into it. Now he is addicted to nude strippers. He lusts after women every where we go, is still carrying on in an affair with one now for the past 3 years. I HATE him, yet you have to have a job, and someplace to live for you to even move. THIS is total emotionally abusive.

In our last counseling session, I said if I ever found out about any more strip club going, he would be thrown out again. Well, I found out, and now he refuses to leave. (He left 4 times in the past 2 years, at my insistence).

I feel I ruined my chances God gave me to get out of my marriage 4 times in the past 2 years because I was not strong enough. I have totally reached my limit now!!! To the point of not being able to stand him, barely looking at him. I have 0 love, 0 respect for him left. He doesn’t seem to care as he treats me like dirt.

I really need your prayers. I need a way out. WHY is God keeping me chained to this horrible situation??? I’m beginning to feel abandoned by God too.

Back to the OP’s original thread. If a spouse is fooling around with someone else, this is mistreatment, and obviously the other spouse doesn’t feel loved. Do you blame them?

He disrespects me in front of our teenaged son all the time, raises his voice at me. It’s horrible. I am battered and abused.

What you are going through sounds like a carbon-copy of what I went through. It really sucks that there are not more resources for this kind of situation.

From what I’ve read in various brochures it is best to leave when your man is not around. Of course, this implies that you have somewhere to go. Toward the end of my marriage and into my separation I was looking into homeless shelters, DV shelters, not necessarily to go there, but just to know where they were if I had to. Just knowing this info makes you feel empowered. Have the local police on your speed dial if you have a cell phone.

The brochures tell you to gather all your important documents - birth certificate, insurance papers, lease agreement. I don’t know if you have ever applied for DSS benefits like food stamps, but if you have, then get together the kinds of documents that you are pretty sure they would ask for and you will be good to go.

Place to stay - family, Craig’s List (roommates), DV shelter as mentioned, homeless shelter if you have to.

Job - Get this - for those who are out of work in NC, they have this program called Work First. If you cannot find a job, what you do is work somewhere where people NORMALLY volunteer like the Salvation Army. But - YOU get paid to work there by the government. Something to think about if you cannot find a job. Maybe they have a similar program in your state.

Section 8 = housing/rent assistance. Hard to get, but get on a waiting list at least.

Food Stamps = You get an EBT card (Electronic Benefits Transfer, I think it means.) Pretty easy to get. You can use this card for any uncooked food/drink item at almost any grocery store, Target, and Wal-Mart.

Child care vouchers = hard to get like Section 8. Get on a waiting list, though.

If you are on the title of the house you live in, if you move out, he has to buy you out, even if he has to get a loan. If you can get this money, use it to pay for a divorce.

You are worth every suffering that you must endure to get away from this man who treats you so badly. If you want my yahoo userid let me know if this post is not enough help.

Tracy

I would write more, but I’m writing my bills. Grrr.

 

[Corinne3]

Hi Tracy:

Thank you.

YES, I would love your e-mail.

Many on here know my saga, and have so nicely offered (name removed by moderator)ut in what I should do. You can see my threads if you care to read them.

Thankfully, I do now have an EBT card and minimal food stamps-----enough for one week a month of groceries. I also have a few irons on the fire as far as work, but nothing yet. I am busting my B trying to find a job.

I am just debating whether to file an RO, having him thrown out, now or wait until I have a job. I cannot take this. It is killing me, and not good for my kids, (teens but still in the home and witnessing his total disrespect of me)…
If I never say one word to him, it’s better. If I say anything, he’ll respond in anger, mean-ness, disrespect, etc. He’s still seeing his stripper gal, I know. At least I am protecting myself—and he’s sleeping on the couch. I want nothing to do with him ever again. It is so hard though to think what kind of life will I have alone now? with 2 teens?

I will wait for your e-mail, and write you there.

Thank you.

 

[Tracyms1974]

Hello Corrine.

Just in case you are looking here I sent you all my info in a PM to you. I hope you get it okay.

Peace, girl.

Tracy.