Marriage is not easy. Young couples aren’t taught coping skills and about “how to talk it out.” Even in regular friendships, being honest and reconciling after a misunderstanding helps the relationship. And then there are expectations. Couples should talk about what they expect from marriage before the ceremony. I asked one young lady what she expected from marriage. She said: “I want money for clothes, jewelry and trips. And a big house by the water.” That was unrealistic, but I knew another very nice woman who got married, honeymooned in Hawaii and was disappointed. She told me: “Nothing’s changed.” I thought, ‘Like what?’ but didn’t say it. A year later, she was divorced.
At least she was honest.
I’m fine with that, just so long as she commits to her own obligations as wife, and she’s not divorcing him in ten years time for “not meeting my emotional needs”, or for “abuse” according to some contrived definition.
I have no problem with the various selfish reasons for marrying (we all have them), so long as they come with reciprocal commitment - “for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, while we both live”.
This relates to the
very serious problems highlighted in the OP article.
Question: Which types of victim do you think are the least recognized, even among those critical of today’s sexual culture?
Dr Morse: The victims of the divorce culture are almost completely invisible. I include the abandoned spouses, or reluctantly divorced persons, who would have liked to remain married, but were divorced against their will. Few people realize that under U.S. no-fault divorce law, the government always takes sides with the person who wants the marriage the least.
We do not even ask the questions that would allow us to answer the question: “how many divorces have a reluctant partner?” Since the book went to press, I have found evidence that suggests as many as 70% of divorces may have a “reluctant” partner. But the person who found this was not looking for it. He stumbled over it in the course of looking for something else.
The children of divorce are also socially invisible. They are supposedly “resilient,” but in fact they suffer for a lifetime.
The person who wants the marriage the least (after several years) is usually the one who has benefited from it but has come to demand more, and can also exit at no cost. Eg. she wanted a house and kids, but now wants an intense relationship, or he wanted a wife and home maker, but now wants a gorgeous companion. But, statistically, this is much more often the woman, and in this she is fiercely supported by feminism, the divorce laws and even Christianity.
(“even Christianity”. It is worth noting that Protestantism, with its enabling and encouragement of divorce, is more complicit in spousal desertion than Catholicism is. I have issues with the Catholic church being too sympathetic with feminism, but at least her firm anti-divorce dogma is a bulwark against feminism’s debasement of marriage. A Catholic wife can’t presume on an annulment when she is thinking of leaving.)
